Chapter 33
Callum
There have been few occasions in my life where I’ve felt wholly out of control.
The first was when Rafe’s mother died from illness.
I would have done anything at that time to have Rafe avoid that grief, but there was nothing I could do to save her.
Then it was the helplessness I’d felt when Rafe never returned, and I had no way to contact him.
On my worst days, I had nightmares that he fell into some tragic accident which is why he never came back.
And again, there was nothing I could do.
Even with those two memories of my past, I still never felt as out of control as I did in that moment on the cottage porch. I felt as if I was stripped bare and whipped in front of all of them, each strike revealing a truth down to my bones.
Hours ago I was envisioning a life with Elia and possibly even Rafe again; a future I’d only ever dreamed about.
Now, I doubted either would talk to me again.
Why are you still a Hunter?
Elia had asked me that after she saw me brutalizing the pirates, and I had admitted to her that I didn’t enjoy violence, and I don’t. But violence and cruelty have been a part of my life since I was old enough to raise a sword. I don’t know a world that exists without them.
“I owe the King my life.” That had been my answer to Elia’s question then, and I state it aloud now because it is still true.
“I know, Cal.”
Ginna is the only one still with me. We are sitting on the bottom steps of the porch, Elia and Rafe long since gone in the woods and Adrienne having retreated back inside the cottage.
“He’s the King. I’m his Lead Hunter. Of course I follow his orders. That’s my job.”
“And if you weren’t a Hunter, what would be left? Who would you be?”
It’s a rhetorical question. Both she and I very clearly know that I am no one without being a Hunter. It’s the only life I’d ever known and wanted.
“Why didn’t you tell me that you’re going to be named as heir? Or tell Elia of your involvement in the Hunt?”
I’ve always appreciated Ginna’s candor, her willingness to jump into the issue right away and set me straight when I needed it.
I stare out into the surrounding forest, hoping there would be answers written on the trees that would make sense to anyone other than myself.
Sharing information led to people close to me getting hurt, and I never wanted to afflict any pain.
But what harm would have come if I told Ginna that I was to be heir?
“I don’t know.”
And I didn’t. I hid behind the walls I built, I thought, for other people’s protection. Or was it for mine? And even with the walls up, I apparently still hurt people.
“I don’t know what to do, Gin.” I hate how scared my voice sounds.
Ginna blows out a breath. “I can’t tell you what the right answer is.
I understand your mindset that you owe the King this complete devotion and dedication, I do.
But you’ve paid whatever debt you think you owe, and then some.
You don’t owe him your life, and you especially don’t owe him your soul.
You need to decide if this is the path you want to continue down.
If the King is the person you want to become, because that’s the way it’s heading. ”
I remember the King’s cruelty, all the punishments and inhumane lessons he gave me. Then I think about Elia’s smile and kindness to strangers. Rafe tucking me into bed and tending to my injuries.
And lastly, I come to the same realization that Rafe must have had all those years ago. That I don’t deserve him or Elia.
“We should leave,” I tell Ginna abruptly.
“What? Right now? We don’t even have Rafe’s ring.”
I think back on how furious Rafe was earlier with me. “He doesn’t have it. Why would he have kept it?”
Ginna glances towards the direction where Elia had gone and Rafe had followed, her face stern.
“Now you’re the one who’s going to leave without a word? No, we’re done with that, Cal. We can leave as soon as they come back, ring or not, but I’m not leaving without a goodbye from Rafe this time. Plus, we need to wait for Elia.”
Ginna’s right. As much as I want to leave Sevrin behind and this mess of a trip, I won’t strand Elia here.
I promised her I would help her business and help her settle into a new life, and I would keep that promise.
I need more time on the Midas with her to beg for forgiveness, to try and salvage any possible hope I have with her.
I lost any hope Elia had given me about reconciling with Rafe.
It isn’t long until we hear footsteps walking our way and see Elia and Rafe emerge from behind the cottage.
They both have their jaws set, as if an important decision was made between them.
I stand immediately when they come over, hiding my spasming fingers behind my back.
Surprisingly, it is Rafe who speaks first. “Here. As promised.” He holds out his fist, turning it over and opening it to reveal the ring.
My eyebrows shoot to the sky. “You kept it.”
“Of course I did.” His eyes bare straight into mine, and for a second we are the only people here. Back when it was only the two of us meeting up for a secret rendezvous.
Our hands brush when I pick up the ring and a shiver runs through my body. It’s the first touch we’ve shared in five years, and it is over too soon.
“Thanks,” I mumble, trying to ignore the buzzing sensation lingering from only the lightest touch.
I slide the band on my ring finger on the same hand with Rafe’s simple band he gave me. I’m expecting to feel different, somehow, wearing the relic. But I feel the same, if not worse.
“Your hands still shake?” Rafe asks, and I quickly drop them out of sight.
“Sometimes.”
“What happened?” Rafe’s eyes drill into me, and I’m transported back to that same night, one of the few we’d shared before he left where he had asked me the same question.
Despite everything that has transpired between us, he is giving me one last chance.
One last chance to prove to him that I can take down my walls, open myself up to him.
The King punished me for touching you. He threatened your life if I took any step out of line.
The words are so close to the surface, bubbling up like a geyser close to erupting. I open my mouth to vocalize exactly that, but what comes out is, “An accident.”
Rafe clicks his tongue. “Right. An accident.”
I watch his face fall, and with it I see any hope of us rekindling things fall with it. A door slamming shut between us.
“We’d better get going before it becomes dark out.”
Rafe nods curtly before Ginna pulls him into a tight hug.
“Don’t be a stranger, Rafe. Please.”
“I won’t. I’ll write to you and Hanson more. Ex-prince’s honor.” He raises one hand in a mock salute.
Ginna laughs. “I’ll miss you.”
“You know where to find me.”
“No chance you’ll come visit Ashven?”
“Not even in the slightest."
“Fair enough. Give my love to Adrienne.” Ginna nods towards the cottage.
“Will do.”
Ginna nudges me with her elbow.
“Right. Thanks for the ring. I can send it back to you –”
“Keep it,” Rafe responds curtly.
Those two little words hurt me worse than any others he’s thrown at me. It’s the final key in the lock of that slammed door. Proof that the ring no longer holds any significance to him.
Ginna leads the horses over to us. I’m about to pull myself up, but turn towards Rafe at the last second.
“For what it’s worth, I am sorry. About what happened to Adrienne and everything else.”
Rafe licks his lips. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think you are yet. But you will be.”
I don’t know how to respond to that so I stay quiet and grab the saddle to heave myself up on the horse.
I hold out a hand to Elia to help her up, but realize she’s taken a few steps back to stand right besides Rafe.
Elia slowly shakes her head as tears fall down her face.
“You’re not coming with us.” It isn’t a question, but a statement that I read clearly on her face.
“I can’t, Callum. I need time to myself. To live a life I’ve never had before.”
A life that she could have had if it wasn’t for me.
They must have talked about this in their trip to the woods. This was the decision that I saw etched on their face when they returned.
Ginna takes the opportunity to pull Elia in a quick embrace. “I hope we see each other again sometime, Elia.”
I wonder if Ginna had seen this coming or if she is as blindsided as me.
I want to jump off the horse and run to Elia, drop to my knees and plead for her forgiveness. But I don’t. She is better off without me. They both are.
“I’m sorry for everything, Elia. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the Hunt. You deserve more than I can offer.” Tears prickle in the corner of my eyes and I will them not to fall.
“Stay with us, Callum.” Elia pleads. “Forget the King and Ashven. Start over here, with us. Please.”
I bite my tongue hard in my mouth. I allow myself to imagine her scenario for a few seconds, of Rafe, Elia, and me staying in Sevrin.
Maybe we’d live in a cottage similar to this one, homely and quaint, stocked full with Elia’s lavender wares and Rafe’s sketchbooks.
I could see Rafe and I playing chess in front of the fire late at night, Elia sleeping on the couch because she refused to go to bed without us.
It’s a nice fantasy, one I have to drag myself out of and back to reality. The King is dying and is relying on me to find the Stone. No matter what the others believe, I still owe the King. And I know now that Elia deserves better.
“Take care of her, Rafe.” If I can’t be in her life, at least I know she is safe with him.
“I promise. Goodbye, Cal.”
Now, for the second time in my life, I am saying goodbye to the man I love. Only this time, I’m also saying goodbye to the woman I love, too.
I turn my horse away, following Ginna onto the path we had arrived on. I crane my neck around for one last look, capturing the image of Rafe and Elia standing next to each other, both burning as bright as suns.
Later that night I sleep outside, unable to pull myself away from the three constellations in the sky that Elia had shown me: the Queen, the Hunter, and the King.
Elia was my queen that I, the Hunter, thought I was protecting.
But I was wrong. The Queen didn’t need my protection, didn’t need the infatuation of an undeserving Hunter.
No, instead, Elia deserved the King, the hero in her story, standing by her side.
And when I recall that final image I memorized, of her and Rafe surrounded by the serenity of the forest, I’m at peace knowing that she had finally found her missing piece, her King, even if it wasn’t me.
Afterall, a storm cloud shouldn’t exist in between two suns.