Chapter 7
Before
‘They’re amazing,’ I had said of the lava lizards on screen.
Kasie didn’t respond, too busy staring at her phone.
‘Watch, watch,’ I tried. ‘The way they move is fascinating.’
It was our cold weather Sunday evening routine, cosied up in our living room, watching wildlife documentaries while eating biscuits. We even had matching socks, slippers and blankets, like a couple approaching their fifth decade of marriage.
On the TV, Attenborough pointed at an orange-headed creature as it scurried across the sand.
‘You’re not watching,’ I said, slightly irritated at Kasie’s lack of attention.
‘I can watch and play at the same time,’ she mumbled, her eyes not leaving her phone.
Word games, Kasie was obsessed with them. She also seemed to be quite bad at them, for she was always pressing me for answers.
‘Is aeronautical a real word?’ she asked.
‘Yes. It’s something to do with how high planes are from the ocean.’
‘Mate, we need to be pimping you out on quiz shows. How’d you know that? Aeronautical,’ she repeated in a funny voice. Kasie then gasped as if breaking the surface of water. ‘That’s it.’ She turned to face me. ‘Ikenna. You’re going to love Ikenna.’
Fed up, I paused the TV. ‘What are you talking about?’
She dropped her phone to clasp her hands together. ‘I need to set you up with someone.’
Here we go again. ‘No. No thank you.’
Kasie loved love and was convinced everyone had a soulmate out there they had to find; she also had the misguided notion that it was her job to lead the search. ‘This,’ she said while slapping the arm of the sofa for emphasis, ‘is a good one.’
While Kasie had some success in match-making others, when it came to me, nothing ever worked out.
It wasn’t because she didn’t know what I liked – she knew me better than anyone – it was more that she seemed to set me up with sensible men who, at best, wanted to make home, and at worst, wanted to tame me.
She did a little dance with her shoulders and said, ‘Ikenna is one of my brother’s oldest friends.’
Already I could see so many issues. ‘No offence to your brother, but he’s a pharmacist who spends all his free time doing triathlons and going to church. I can only guess his friends are the same. Also, Ikenna? Sounds Nigerian. Is he from your church?’
‘Yes, he’s Nigerian, no, he’s not from church.’ Kasie tutted at me, as if offended. ‘Him and Alex went to school together, before we moved. Ikenna’s an internet guy, so he’s in your world.’ She made a circular gesture with her hands as if to indicate said world.
‘What exactly does he do in my world?’
‘Something with . . .’ She faltered. ‘Email?’
‘Okay, you don’t know.’
‘No, I don’t, but he’s great. He’s like you in that he’s smart and ambitious, but not too much like you. He likes to go out but he’s not a pisshead,’ she baited. ‘He’s sen-si-ble.’
‘Why are you saying it like that?’
‘Because it’s what you need.’
I stared at the peculiar way Attenborough had been paused mid-sentence. ‘Why are you always trying to set me up with men who are sensible?’
Kasie dropped her voice and said, ‘Sensible guys tone you down.’ She tapped my hand as she pulled Ikenna up on socials.
My face must have given away too much because she started bouncing around like a baby lamb.
‘I knew it. You like him. He’s good-looking in that nerdy way you like.
Very tall, too. Also successful, attentive, emotionally intelligent. ’
‘How d’you know he’s emotionally intelligent? Did you make him take that quiz?’ Kasie had recently made me take an online quiz on emotional intelligence and, apparently, I had a lot to work on.
‘Why are you still going on about the quiz?’
‘It was offensive and incorrect. I do know how to handle my emotions.’
Kasie sniggered.
‘Should I be worried that you bring up this man when I was talking about lizards?’ I joked.
‘It was because of aeronautical.’
Reaching for my hot chocolate, I was disappointed to find only the skin left at the bottom of the mug. ‘Do you want another drink?’ I tried to stand and Kasie pulled me back down.
‘Ikenna loves planes,’ she said, grinning. ‘Like, he’s fascinated by them. He loves travelling, too.’
‘Why are you trying to set me up with someone who loves planes? Kasie.’ She burst out laughing, then stopped to swipe through more of his photos.
‘And he’s got a great smile. Hold on, let me find one of him smiling.
’ Her swiping was unsuccessful. ‘Actually, I can’t find any smiley photos.
This is cute.’ She held up one of him looking pensive and wearing a T-shirt with the slogan Never Give Up.
‘Zoe, look at this man and think of the babies.’
‘No babies,’ I protested while taking the phone and flicking to the next photo, which was of Ikenna sitting next to an older woman; the caption read ‘My First Queen #mothersday’.
Men referring to women with no royal lineage as queens was a red flag.
‘Hmm. Not sure. He seems quite serious, not very jokey.’
‘He volunteers with the “yoof”.’ She bunny-eared the last word. ‘And you’re worried he’s not very jokey. Stop finding excuses.’
‘I’m not.’
‘You are. You always do this.’ Kasie grabbed the phone back. ‘One day, you’re going to meet someone you won’t be able to reason your way out of falling for, and when it happens, I’m going to gloat so hard.’
‘Maybe. Though I don’t think it’ll be this too-serious, too-impressive plane-spotter.’
‘I’ve sent him your profile. Let’s see if he likes you too.’ And with that she gestured for me to switch Attenborough back on.
A week later I found myself sitting across from Ikenna at a bar that specialised in ‘natural wines and organic Vietnamese bites’.
Ikenna was attractive, yes, definitely my type.
He was also ambitious, enthusiastic and – Kasie was right – when he smiled, it was great.
However, the banter was limited, and I got the feeling he would have liked me more if I’d been a bit more invested in his opinions, of which he had many.
It was two more dates before we concluded things weren’t very sparky for me, and not deep enough for him, yet we slept together that night and carried on the arrangement for months.
‘I knew it,’ Kasie would crow each time I got ready to go over to Ikenna’s place. ‘I can’t wait for this wedding.’
I didn’t have the heart to tell her there was more chance of me dating Attenborough than of my relationship with Ikenna leading to a wedding.