Chapter 40
The next breath gets stuck in my throat, then the one after that and after that, until I feel genuinely lightheaded.
‘This wasn’t on purpose,’ Nicole says as we backtrack out of sight. ‘I wasn’t aware. I mean, I was aware he was in London; I’ve seen him.’
‘You’ve seen him. When?’
Her face creases into an apologetic wince. ‘He came to the Soy Much Fun lunch last Friday.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me this?’
‘Why would I have told you? We don’t talk about him, remember?’
She’s right. We don’t talk about him.
‘Should we go?’ she asks. ‘Let’s go. To another pub. Or for more ice cream. Or even, back to mine. Slumber party! Yeah!’
As usual, I’m aware of how much she’s said and how many options she’s thrown at me, yet I can only process the knowledge of him being here. Close by. Close enough to make my skin irrationally warm and my heart erratically fast.
‘Yeah, baby, the sexy ones are here,’ Billy shouts as he comes over and mimes a dance in front of me. ‘Zoe, you look gorge. Great to see you again. Even though you left us.’
‘Hey, Billy.’ You most unwelcome distraction.
He flings his sweaty arms over us both. ‘We’re sitting over there, but the little boys’ room is calling me.’
‘Billy, we might not stay,’ Nicole says. ‘It’s kind of packed and I don’t think we’ll get seated.’
‘Don’t be silly, there’s always a space on my lap for you.’ He pulls away with a wink and Nicole stares at me till I nod and say, ‘It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s not a big deal.’
Though the side view of Cian, in a pink T-shirt of all things, knocks the air out of me. Oh God, all he’s doing is stacking glasses and smiling at something Dev is telling him and already I’m melting down.
‘Do I look sober to you?’ I ask Nicole.
She peers at me carefully. ‘About sixty-four per cent, yes.’
‘I’m not sure that’s enough,’ I protest as we move closer, then after a few steps, she jabs me towards the table.
There are way more people than I expected, and having not seen them all in a while, minutes are taken up with hugs and hellos.
I brave another glance and for a split second catch eyes with Cian.
His hair is long, though scraped back off his forehead and I feel like I’m seeing too much of him at once.
I smile, or at least I think I do; I don’t feel fully aware of anything right now, anything other than him.
Danni launches herself at me with open arms. ‘Zoe, I’ve missed you.
Hugs, hugs.’ While in Danni’s heavily perfumed clinch, I see Cian stand up to reach for Nicole.
‘Here’s my favourite cloud engineer,’ she hoots and Cian laughs.
His laugh. I used to pursue his laughs all the time when it was just the two of us; they used to fuel me.
Danni stands too close and chats away, in that semi-confessional way she always has, and I battle to focus my attention on her, rather than over her shoulder.
‘Zo, hon,’ Nicole says as she effortlessly drops into her mum routine, which is extraordinary considering the amount of sambuca she had over dinner. ‘Sit. I’m going to get you that pint of water.’ With a gentle guide of her hand, I end up sitting on a bench, rather ironically, diagonal to Cian.
More drinks arrive, along with two plates of nachos, which everyone scrambles upon as if starved.
They talk mostly of work, and when they gossip about new people I don’t know, it’s easy to zone out and obsess about whether Cian’s eyes are on me or not.
I’m asked about my new job and respond with easy answers while taking huge pains to appear sober.
Nicole slides in next to me and nods encouragingly.
Cian gets up at one point, with Dev, and I panic watching his back disappear inside the bar. What happens if he leaves? If he takes off to go somewhere else? I’ll regret not talking to him. I keep watch while reminding myself to breathe until he finally comes back out, with another drink.
‘You’re staring,’ Nicole says quietly as she pushes the glass of water closer.
‘This is torture,’ I whisper.
‘Are you going to talk to him?’
‘Only if I decide I really want to throw up tonight.’
‘Drink your water.’
After a few tepid sips, I stop. ‘I think going the other thirty-six per cent to drunk would be a better bet right now.’
Nicole leans in and says, ‘What you’ve got to remember is, he’s just a man, and there are millions of them.’
Cian looks at me again, then he’s making his way over. It takes forever, and all I can do is observe as he gets closer, his presence taking up more and more of my consciousness until it’s just him.
‘I’m going to the bar,’ Nicole says.
‘Now? Are you sure?’ I try to pull her back to sitting, but she’s already standing up and then Cian’s sitting down in the spot she left. His body heat hits me and immediately brings it all back. Brings everything back.
‘Hi,’ I say.
He puts his drink down on the table in front. ‘Hi.’
‘I didn’t know you were back.’
He gives me a small smile then we watch as Nicole walks backwards and fires a double thumbs up at me as if I’m a big girl on my first day of school. Cian snorts and asks, ‘Is it okay that I sit here?’
‘Yes.’
For the next few moments, we simply exist next to each other, neither of us speaking. Desperately, I try to concentrate on the group conversation, something about Jimmy’s penchant for tartan trousers, yet I’m on fire. My eyes close and I exhale. ‘Should have got a coffee.’
When I open them, Cian is smiling at me. ‘I’m a little drunk,’ I admit.
He says something I miss under the sudden outburst of everyone else. ‘Sorry, what?’ I ask, noticing how his cheeks are fuller, and his skin has more colour than when I last saw him in the winter before last. Apart from that, he’s the same, the exact same and it’s like no time has passed.
‘I said your hair is nice.’
‘Ah.’ I touch the back of my neck. ‘It’s short.’
‘It suits you.’ He focuses on his drink, and I watch his hands as they rotate the glass pointlessly.
‘It was cold over the winter. I wore a lot of scarves. Now everyone thinks I love scarves. All winter it was woolly ones, now silk ones. A girl only needs so many silk scarves. I do like them, just not that much,’ I stop in response to Cian’s half-smile, left side only, then his eyes dip.
I slouch forward, surprised I have any control over my body at all. This evening, I dressed for myself, and now I’m all mixed up with wanting Cian to look at me, combined with being mortified that he’s looking at me.
‘How have you been?’ I manage.
‘Good.’ He nods. ‘You?’
‘Good. How’s Singapore?’
‘It’s amazing,’ he says automatically. ‘It’s so clean and uh, there’s a lot of stuff to see and do. Yeah. Amazing.’
There’s a lull, because where else can we go?
The group are now taking turns to do impressions of Jimmy. Cian turns in marginally, putting his thigh against my own, and neither of us move. If his bare arm brushes against me, I will self-combust.
‘I heard you left Chat,’ he says.
‘Yes. Still in marketing, but for an edtech company so a bit more in line with what I’m interested in.’ I don’t add, at least on paper. ‘I’ve been there about eight months.’
‘That’s great.’ He nods and I nod back, wondering about all the other things that have happened in our lives that the other doesn’t know about.
Based on the way he bleated about dating and hookups, and how quickly he went straight into a relationship, of sorts, with me, I’ve concluded he’s a serial monogamist. One of those men who roll from one girlfriend to another.
I assume he’s seeing a sporty, ambitious woman who knows exactly what she wants and encourages him to wear pink T-shirts.
‘I saw your parents were in Sweden recently,’ he says.
‘How did you know that?’
‘Off with the Es.’
‘Oh no, Cian, seriously. Why are you watching those?’
‘I’m a subscriber.’ He smiles bashfully. ‘I can’t believe they hated Sweden so much. It’s meant to be beautiful.’ He laughs, we both do, then just as quickly, he stares down at the bubbles in his Stella as if it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen.
‘Are you still in the same job you went out there for?’
‘Yeah. It’s good. Challenging, in a good way. Though my hours are long. Sometimes I’m not sure how much of a life I’m having there.’
Tell me you hate it, I think. Tell me you’re coming back. Tell me you’re ready to go somewhere else, anywhere else, and ask me to go with you.
‘I uh . . .’
‘Yes?’ I say.
‘I keep seeing this cat by my apartment who is the double of Stormzy.’
‘The British rapper, singer and songwriter?’
Cian smiles at me and, as much as I’ve longed for it, getting it now feels like being punched in the stomach.
‘I have photographic evidence.’ He takes his phone from a pocket and flicks through the photo reel. ‘I didn’t send them, because it didn’t feel right to message you after everything.’
My heart sinks.
‘I kept them all.’
‘Photos of fake Wuffy?’ I ask.
‘Photos of things I know you’d enjoy. Like this group of old people who meet every morning in the park to hang out.
My Mandarin is still awful, but I swear they’re talking about electricity bills and Jesus.
Or photos of things I want to moan to you about.
Like these giant keyrings all the kids have on their rucksacks.
’ He shakes his head judgementally. ‘They’re kids, they don’t have keys.
Or the way they serve sandwiches there, in this really soft, sweet bread. Disgusting.’
His screen is a blur of colour and images, and I look away in case I see something I shouldn’t, something I would certainly cry over later.
‘I remember you said how frustrating it was to not be able to tell or show someone something, so you always wrote out messages to your friend.’ He switches off his phone and casts his eyes down. ‘I’m sorry. That was insensitive. I shouldn’t have said it.’
‘No, it’s okay.’ I don’t want him to stop talking or apologise for anything.
‘I’m a bit thrown to see you.’
Dev puts his hands on Cian’s shoulders. ‘My man,’ he says, ‘few of us are moving on to somewhere else.’
‘Yeah?’
‘Yes,’ Dev says, distincly ignoring me.
Cian points to his glass. ‘I’ve still got a drink.’
‘Soon.’ Dev pulls away and I want to make a comment about why he’s acting like some jealous girlfriend.
‘How long are you back for?’
‘Two weeks.’
Two weeks, it feels like space. Space I could fit into somehow. ‘Is this the first time you’ve come home?’
‘No,’ he says, as if guilty. ‘I’m only back now because I’m signing on to stay for another two years.’
And here my breath is audible. Another two years. He definitely has someone out there. ‘How’s Brendan?’
‘Seeing someone.’
‘That’s great.’
‘She’s a bit of a pain. Constantly wanting to chat and befriend me. And you?’
‘Am I seeing someone?’ Why the hell would he ask me this?
‘No, no,’ he says quickly. ‘Are you still living with Eric?’
‘Oh, of course. Yes. I am. Crazy. Though it’s helped me save and I’m buying my own place, or at least, I’m trying to.’
‘Ah, wow, that’s cool. That’s—’
‘Let’s go,’ someone yells. Within seconds everyone begins to move; some talk of their journeys home, others discuss where to next, and Dev, who clearly hates me, beckons Cian over. Nicole gives me a sympathetic smile, because evidently I didn’t make friends on my first day of big school.
Danni threads her arm through mine. ‘Zoe, we’re going somewhere else; it’s too busy here. Let the boys go do whatever they have planned.’
Cian stands and tries to drink quickly, and I wonder what the long vertical scar on his knee looks like now.
Everyone splits into smaller groups while I stall.
I stall for as long as I can, until it’s just us, standing, faced into each other.
We’re interrupted by someone wanting the table for their own group, then again by a member of staff coming to clear away glasses.
There’s too much noise to think through what I should be saying, and this moment weirdly reminds me of the time we sat at a bus stop in a rainy retail park, when he told me he missed me even though we still worked in the same place and lived forty-five minutes apart.
‘I should catch up with them,’ he says, while not moving.
Is it appropriate to tell him how much I miss him? ‘I’m glad I got to see you tonight. Though I do wish I was a bit more sober for it.’ Perhaps if I was sober, I wouldn’t be having such a visceral reaction to him, or at least I would know what to do with it.
‘You’re hardly drunk. It’s not like you’re dancing on a table with your arse out.’ He waits for my reaction then comments, ‘That laugh.’
‘I’m sure you’ve missed it,’ I blurt out, not thinking.
‘Yeah,’ he says. ‘I’ve missed it.’
I wish I knew what to say, because someone needs to say something.
‘Okay,’ he says.
‘Okay.’
‘Okay.’ Cian stares down at the ground and does that half-nod thing, then, ‘My dad, he’s uh, having a barbecue this Saturday.
If you want to come and—’ He stops. ‘Sorry, in my head I thought you were still across the gardens. Of course you’re still welcome, he’d love to see you.
However, I appreciate hanging out with a bunch of ex-body-builders is maybe not what you want to do with your weekend. Ignore me, it was just an idea.’
Dev walks back over and shouts, ‘You still here? Come, let’s go.’
‘I’m coming.’
It’s the drink, I tell myself; the drink is making me feel like this, not him. I’m over him. I hardly think of him at all, I’ve trained myself not to.
‘Anyway,’ Cian says, pushing back his hair. ‘I better go.’
‘Yes. Sorry. Go. Dev’s losing it.’
Another half-nod, then he turns around and walks off to join the others.