Chapter 43
Before
Kasie was a late sleeper, someone who’d hit snooze, forgo breakfast or get a cab to work if it meant she could stay in bed longer. So it didn’t make sense to me why on that Thursday morning, as I got out of bed before six, she was already up.
She was in the living room, perched on the edge of the sofa, her knees pressed together, arms wrapped around her sides.
‘Why are you awake?’ I whispered, as if anyone else would hear. ‘Are you okay?’ Though I could tell from her face that she wasn’t, and that pain was rising through her body.
Despite our years of friendship, I’d only begun witnessing this since we’d moved in together.
Before that, Kasie having a sickle cell crisis was something that had happened behind the closed doors of her family home.
Something I would only be aware of if she didn’t show up for school, or, once we were older, if I’d tried to contact her and Alex answered.
A sharp burst of light came in as I opened the curtain halfway. ‘What do you need?’
She ran her hands down her thighs and squeezed at her knees.
‘Kasie, tell me what to do.’
‘I’m cold, that’s all.’ Our fleece blankets were folded on the edge of the sofa, and she grabbed for one, her hands appearing awkward and clumsy as she tried to shake it out. ‘It might not be anything,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to believe every twinge in my body is a crisis beginning.’
This was more than a twinge, I recognised that. The same way I recognised her mood, avoidant and irritable.
She wriggled herself down onto the carpet to lie on her side, the same way she did when she had period pains. ‘I’m also due on.’
‘You don’t get period pains like this.’
Once she settled, I indicated for her to move so I could put one cushion under her head, another between her knees and the two blankets on top. With my legs crossed I sat in front of her, unsure of what to say.
‘Don’t you need to get ready for work?’ she asked, and I shook my head. Her heat pad was by the coffee table, so I crawled over to pick it up.
‘I don’t need it yet.’
‘You sure?’
‘I’m sure.’
Hopefully she wouldn’t need it at all, hopefully the pain would dissipate, and she’d be able to have a normal day, rather than a day twisted up in suffering.
‘I need to stay in this position for a bit.’ She blew out a breath. ‘I’m good.’
Good, yet the crease between her eyebrows and the tension around her mouth said otherwise.
‘Talk to me about something fun,’ she said.
‘Do you want to hear how I got a one-star Uber rating the other night?’
Her small body shook under the blankets. ‘Not if the story features bodily fluids. Zoe, will you lose any money if you have to cancel something?’
I shrugged my shoulders in an over-the-top way, as if I didn’t know what she was referring to.
‘Zoe,’ she tried again.
‘Is this all an elaborate ruse to find out what I’ve plotted for your birthday?’
Kasie was increasingly apprehensive about what I’d planned for her thirtieth birthday celebrations.
‘If you’ve ordered me a penis cake, I will never talk to you again.’
‘Of course not, what do you take me for.’ I tutted. ‘It’s a boobie cake.’
Kasie closed her eyes and giggled.
‘My boobies,’ I added. ‘It’s a very tiny cake.’
It felt good to make her laugh but, also, I could feel my anger at the possibility she might spend her birthday in hospital being poked and prodded, reminded that the very thing she vowed couldn’t stop her was doing just that.
The blankets partially fell off as she rolled onto her back and drove out another breath.
‘Ah, Kasie, I wish I could take it away.’
After a few seconds she said, ‘Mate, you cry when you bump your elbow.’
‘Okay, I wish I could take half of it, at least.’
It was warm in the room, yet I shuffled myself under the blankets to share body heat.
‘Cosy,’ she said, putting her cold fingers against my arm.
‘It’s not and I’ll never understand why you always need to be touching me.’
‘When are you getting over your intimacy issues?’
‘Or why you think the floor is more comfortable than the sofa.’
We lay like that for a while, my back sweating and Kasie’s breath deepening. I wondered if she was falling asleep, then she took a sharp breath.
‘Have you had some water?’ I asked.
‘Yes.’
‘Do you need to eat something?’
‘I had some bread before I took my painkillers.’
‘Did you take a proper dose?’
Kasie was over-diligent about doses, terrified of building tolerance too fast.
‘Yes, I did,’ she said.
There wasn’t much I could do, except lie there while she tried to block her pain.
‘Where is it?’ I asked.
‘My lower back. My hips. Zoe, stop asking me questions.’
There were a few ground rules about how I was to act during Kasie having a crisis: I wasn’t to interrogate her, panic, cry or make a big deal out of things, and I wasn’t to contact her family until she said I could.
‘I wish I didn’t have this,’ she said. ‘I wish I didn’t have any of it. I know it’s how it’s meant to be, but sometimes it’s—’
‘Shit.’
‘What did you just say?’
‘I said, it’s shit.’ I almost shouted it this time.
‘You swore.’ She laughed. ‘You never swear.’
‘Sometimes you have to.’
‘I’m going to move.’ Slowly she raised herself up and went to the bathroom. This was good, that she was able to move around; it meant the pain wasn’t that bad yet, or that she was still at the stage where she was able to mask it.
Clearly exhausted, she returned and lay straight down on the sofa. A few of her long plaits dangled over the side and I picked one and twirled it around my thumb.
‘Every time this happens,’ she said, ‘my plans come to a stop.’
‘I’m sure you’ll still get to carry out all your plans; just maybe slower than you want.’
Kasie smiled. ‘Tell me what your plans are?’
‘I don’t have plans. I’m here for vibes.’
She nodded against the cushion. ‘I’m here for vibes too.’
‘Of course.’ I smiled. ‘That’s the whole point of our friendship.’
As I put the blankets back over her, I caught how tightly she was bunching the hem of her T-shirt in her hand. ‘Kasie,’ I said, my tone moving away from jokey, ‘I’m going to call your mum now.’
Her eyes squeezed shut and when she opened them, they were damp in the corners, yet she managed, as always, to hold the tears back. ‘Not yet. I don’t want to be a sick person yet. I want to be me. Here with you, chatting rubbish like we always do.’
‘Fine.’
‘You always have so much to say, Zoe. Now’s the time. Talk. Please.’
Quickly, I swiped the tears from my cheeks and swallowed away any cracks in my voice. I then proceeded to investigate and tell her which couples from every series of Married at First Sight were still together. I did this until I had to call Amara to take Kasie to hospital.