Chapter 22
CHAPTER 22
G illian rummaged through the crowded assortment of coats hanging in the porch. Locating her own at the back, along with her scarf, she wrapped it around her neck. As she pulled the long, black wool coat over her heavy arms, the weight reminded her of how tired she was. Her whole body ached, exhausted from a day of preparations, the culmination of a month of organisation.
Although tempted to slip away to bed, she knew it would be bad form to leave her own New Year’s Eve party before midnight. A quick check of her watch revealed one more hour of loud music to endure. That was assuming everyone departed once the clock struck twelve, which was never guaranteed. It also meant one final hour in which Viola might still arrive — if she was coming.
With a deep sigh, Gillian pushed open the front door and stepped out into the darkness, making her way around to the back. The cold air bit against her cheeks and nipped at her stockinged legs, exposed by her knee-length dress. She didn’t care; it was refreshing to feel something other than the numbness and emptiness.
Reaching Hen’s bench, Gillian sat and gazed up at the stars in the clear, moonlit sky. They twinkled, as though watching over the world below, where everything shifted and moved in an endless dance. Her breath puffed out in small clouds, vanishing into the cold air — much like the passage of time — ushering in a new year, whether she was ready or not. What would it hold for her this time? Only one thing was important to her now, like she would suffocate without it.
A light in the distance caught Gillian’s breath. She stared at it, hesitant to hope, but it was too low to be a star and unmistakably moving. The familiar deep, rhythmic thumping — a sound unheard at Kingsford in months — echoed through the air, growing louder and louder as it neared. It wasn’t until the lawn was flooded with light and the helicopter began to descend, that she finally dared to believe Viola was here.
She watched, entranced, as the helicopter lowered itself to the ground in the distance. Silence followed as the blades stopped and the lights went out. Her ears pricked, listening for changes that would signal Viola was heading into the manor. She would give her some time to greet everyone before making an appearance — not wanting to compete for Viola’s attention in a crowd. Footsteps coming down the path told her she wouldn’t need to vie for Viola’s attention.
“I knew I’d find you here.” Viola’s voice broke through the shadows, making Gillian’s heart race.
“How?” Gillian asked, her lips pressing together in a faint smile.
Viola sat beside her, her face lit by the glow of the moonlight. “I first thought something was off when I saw flashing coloured lights coming from within the manor. It was when I stepped from the helicopter and heard ‘Come On, Eileen’ blaring that I knew you’d be outside. If you were outside, where else would you be other than here?”
A warm sense of belonging spread through Gillian, catching her off guard. Viola didn’t just see her, she understood her to her core — understood her patterns, her habits. She let out a quiet sigh, leaning into the comfort of Viola’s presence.
“It’s not your usual repertoire,” Viola continued. “What happened to Mozart?”
“It was Bridget’s suggestion. I thought it might be good to try something different,” Gillian said, her voice barely masking the uncertainty within her.
“I can hear enough to tell me that everyone inside is having a great time.”
“They are, and that’s what matters,” Gillian replied with a smile, adding casually. “A lot has changed since you left.”
“Looks like it,” Viola said, shifting herself around to face Gillian. “Speaking of which, I forgot to leave this for the landing lights.” She held out a small remote control.
“It just proved useful, so keep it — just in case you need it again.” Gillian couldn’t help but notice the smile on Viola’s face as she put it into her pocket. It pulled a similar smile to her own lips. “How was Australia?”
“Warmer than here.”
“That’s not difficult.” Gillian tightened her coat around her. “Otherwise, a success?”
“Yes. Very successful. A sellout tour. No falling onstage. Couldn’t have been better.”
Gillian nodded, knowing it would be. She took a silent deep breath, aware that more needed to be said than simple pleasantries, and it needed to come from her. “I’m glad you came.” Her voice was little more than a whisper. “I wasn’t sure you would.”
“I wasn’t sure either,” Viola replied.
Gillian fidgeting with the sleeve of her coat. “I missed you.” She met Viola’s eyes, noticing an unmistakable smile on her face that brought hope to her heart.
“I missed you too.”
They shared a lingering look, smiling as the unspoken was finally beginning to surface.
Viola shifted, her eyes searching Gillian’s face. “So… what else has changed apart from the music?”
Gillian could hear the unspoken question beneath Viola’s words. She knew exactly what Viola wanted to know. Why was she invited? Her throat tightened, and she feared the words might refuse to come. The fluttering in her stomach threatened to consume her as unformed words tumbled through her mind. Closing her eyes she pushed everything away and spoke from the heart.
“I find myself missing something that I can’t seem to live without,” she started, her voice trembling slightly. “When you left, you took a part of me with you. I tried to convince myself I could go on, that I didn’t need you. I tried to bury everything, to forget, and I can’t. No matter how hard I’ve tried, I keep coming back to you. It’s like there’s this emptiness inside me nothing else can fill — not even this place.” She looked down, twisting her fingers together. “I don’t expect anything from you, but I can’t keep pretending. I needed you to know the truth.”
Gillian’s heart pounded in her chest, her pulse resounding in her ears as she waited for Viola’s response.
“I didn’t think you noticed when I left,” Viola replied, her tone flat and emotionless.
Gillian turned to her. “I heard the helicopter leave. I didn’t know it was the last time until they came to collect your car.” A feeling of loss rose inside her again until she realised Viola was beside her. She had come. But how did she feel? That was her burning question. She looked at Viola, eyes searching for any hope. “I knew the moment you left I would regret it, but I wasn’t ready. Plus, I knew I could never be with you whilst you owned Kingsford. People would think I was only after one thing. I didn’t want that. Then I got it back and hoped it would fill the void you left… and it didn’t. How could it?”
“Fair point.” Viola grinned.
“I realised I’d lost more than woodworm, stone, and mortar. I lost you. As much as I wanted Kingsford, I realised I wanted you in it more than I wanted it back for myself.”
Viola raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yes. You know, I don’t even live there anymore,” Gillian remarked, with a hint of amusement.
“What?”
“Turns out I prefer the lodge. I might have been able to afford to buy Kingsford, but it doesn’t run itself. Do you know how much I can charge for exclusive use for a weekend or a wedding? We have five bookings for the coming year. We have events, residential weekends, and retreats lined up.”
“We?” Viola probed.
“Yes, myself and Bridget. Finally, I can pay her for all the work she does.”
“Wow, things have changed.” Viola paused before continuing, her voice pensive. “I never expected anything from you either, you know. I just needed you to be living your best life. That’s all I wanted for you. I thought I could help with that. I can’t imagine how you’ve felt hiding yourself away for so long, and I get it. I do. I would probably still be hiding if I hadn’t been outed, though I assume it’s easier when you have someone by your side, holding your hand.”
“Will you be by my side… and hold my hand?” Gillian asked cautiously. Her heart raced as she immediately regretted posing the question, fearing the possibility of an unfavourable answer. Until she heard a definitive “no” there was always hope, however faint.
“Of course,” Viola answered with a smile. “Did you ever doubt it?”
“Yes. I thought I may have pushed you away too far.”
“I didn’t go far.”
“You went to the other side of the world!” Gillian exclaimed.
“In body, yes.” Viola chuckled. “In my mind and soul, I was here with you — sitting here, passing the time of day as we once did.”
It was everything Gillian wanted to hear until she realised Viola’s assurance was vague. Seeking clarification, she asked, “What does this mean, precisely?”
“It means I want to be with you, Gillian.” Viola’s chuckle turned to full-blown laughter. “I want to navigate this strange and sometimes cruel world with you. I want to sit on this bench with you and pass more time, though ideally not in the middle of the night in the freezing cold.”
Gillian felt Viola’s hand slip into hers. It was warm, sending a gentle surge of comfort through her, easing a lingering tension inside her as if thawing something within. The softness of her skin was soothing, and it filled Gillian with strength.
“That’s if you’re sure you’re ready,” Viola said, her brown eyes searching Gillian’s face. “Because these last months…” She paused, swallowing hard, as if the words themselves were too heavy to bear. “They haven’t been easy. They’ve been hell. I couldn’t just turn off my feelings for you. Believe me, I tried. I threw myself into work, thinking that if I could just keep moving, keep busy, maybe I’d find some kind of relief. But work didn’t help. It just reminded me of Mum. I thought about her, about how much I miss her, and then…” She let out a shaky breath. “Then I thought about you. About us. And it was like grieving all over again, only this time it was for something I thought I might still have but couldn’t touch.”
Viola’s voice cracked, her composure breaking under the weight of her confession. “I ached, Gillian. For you. Every single day, I ached. And I still do. I ache like part of me is missing, like I’m constantly reaching for something that isn’t there.”
She hesitated, and then her next words came out quieter, almost pleading. “I don’t want to feel like that anymore. But I need to know, before I let myself hope again — are you ready? Can you let me in this time?”
Gillian squeezed her hand, not having fully appreciated the turmoil Viola would feel. She’d underestimated the strength of her feelings, just as she had underestimated her own. She recognised what Viola said; she’d been feeling it, too, these past months.
“I ached for you too. I know I can’t fight myself any longer and that I can’t bear to be without you a moment longer,” Gillian answered, looking down as she added, “As for the rest, I’ll need some help to navigate it.”
“I’m here.” Viola squeezed back, her touch grounding yet gentle. “You don’t have to put on a brave face for me. I want to see the real you — the vulnerable, beautiful parts that you hide away from everyone else. You’ve shown me pieces of you, and now I want to see the rest.”
A newfound courage welled up inside Gillian. “I want that too. I want you to see all of me. No masks. No pretence. I want to see all of you too.”
“Sounds like we have a deal,” Viola said, shuffling closer until their legs touched.
“A deal?” Gillian raised an eyebrow, a hint of amusement in her voice. “Is that what we’re calling it?”
“Absolutely. An unbreakable pact to be our truest selves with each other. To be honest, raw, and open, no matter what.”
Gillian nodded, a smile spreading across her face as Viola’s leg pressed against hers. “I think I can manage that. Be warned — it might not always be pretty.”
“I’m counting on it,” Viola replied, her voice steady and her gaze unwavering. “Because I know that with you, every part of it will be real. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Someone real in this superficial world.”
“And how do we seal this ‘deal’ of ours?” Gillian replied, her lips curving into a mischievous smile.
“I can think of one way,” Viola said, closing the gap between them.
As Viola leaned in, Gillian closed her eyes, her heart pounding. She’d pictured this so many times since the last time they’d been this close, no matter how hard she’d tried not to.
Viola’s lips were tentative at first, their coolness barely brushing against Gillian’s, yet it was enough to send a ripple of heat through her. Her breath caught, and instinctively, her mouth parted. She needed more of Viola.
As their lips met again, this time with certainty, a rush of emotions made her moan. It seemed to encourage Viola as Gillian felt her hands on her waist, tugging their bodies closer together. She slid her fingers into Viola’s hair, savouring what softness she could feel between her cool, numb fingertips.
As their kiss deepened, she allowed herself to relax into it, focusing on the feel of Viola’s mouth and her inquisitive tongue. Even though there would be other moments like this, at least she hoped there would, this one she was going to savour. She may have been anxious about all the other aspects of being physical with Viola, but kissing wasn’t one of them. It felt safe kissing; it was what she and Hen had done, but that was all.
Her stomach tingled with nervousness as she realised there was no going back. She couldn’t allow herself to hide again; as much as the future scared her, there was no closing the lid on these feelings. She would need to find a way to let them breathe, to let them define and shape her. Meeting someone in life was hard enough; to have those feelings reciprocated was even more unlikely. For two worlds to collide at that same time felt like an impossibility, yet it had happened, on this very bench.
Feeling Viola’s hands move from her waist, Gillian found them cradling her face, where her cool fingers grazed her cheeks, and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Her touch was gentle yet possessive, anchoring them as their lips met again, this time with a raw, undeniable urgency. Gillian leaned in, wrapping her arms tightly around Viola’s back, pulling her closer, as if the space between them was too much to bear.
The sound of counting down echoed in the distance. “Five… four… three… two… one…” was followed by cheering.
“Happy New Year!” Viola said, pulling back from their embrace.
“Happy New Year!” Gillian replied, looking at the horizon as it lit up with fireworks launching into the sky.
They leaned back against the bench, Viola resting against Gillian’s shoulder as they held hands. “I’m so happy you could get Kingsford back,” she said. “It always suited you more.”
“It did.” She knew it suited her even more now than it ever had done. Turning it into an events business had given her some direction when she felt lost. The manor now fulfilled a purpose, and so did she.
“What do we do now?” she asked slowly.
“I’m hoping you might have a room for me.”
“You can have your old one upstairs,” Gillian offered.
“Great, thanks.”
The flat response from Viola told her that it might not have been exactly what she was hoping for.
“Although it doesn’t sound like you’ll get much peace,” Gillian said, hearing the music start up again. “I’m not sure what time they will keep partying until. You could join them… I’m a little tired myself.”
“I think we both know I didn’t come here for a party.”
“Oh?” Gillian said, keeping her tone casual.
“No.” Viola looked up at Gillian. “I came for you… all of you.”
Gillian’s heart quickened at the intensity in Viola’s eyes. There was something about the way she looked at her, as if she could see straight through all the carefully constructed walls, right into her core.
For so long, Gillian had kept everyone at arm’s length, convinced that no one could truly see or understand her, but here was Viola, looking at her with a sincerity that stirred something deep within. The noise of the distant party faded into the background, leaving Gillian feeling like they were the only two people in the world, and that was all she needed.
“Why don’t you come to the lodge for a nightcap?” The widening of Viola’s eyes suggested to Gillian she’d hit the right mark. “Until it quietens down. We could talk some more.”
“Of course.” Viola nodded.
Gillian shivered, the cold air finally penetrating through to her skin.
Viola rubbed at her arm. “Get yourself inside. I’ll grab my bag from the helicopter and meet you at the lodge.”
“Don’t be long,” Gillian said as she stood, grateful she would have a few moments to regroup. She was unsure what Viola was expecting from her invitation and even more unsure of what exactly she was offering.
Viola had no intention of being long. She was practically running to the helicopter to retrieve her bag. A nightcap with Gillian Carmichael was not something you strolled towards, especially not after a kiss like the one they just shared.
Their dressing room kiss had ignited a fire within her, and its fleeting nature left her hungry for more. She didn’t only want the taste of Gillian — she wanted all of her. Every wonderful part of her. Yes, Gillian could be frustrating, with her rigid, old-fashioned ways, but those had grown on Viola, becoming part of what she now found so endearing.
It was Gillian’s insistence on keeping things exactly as they always were that gave her a sense of stability, a sense of home. That passion for order, for the familiar, was so distinctly Gillian — and Viola wouldn’t have it any other way.
It was something she herself had never experienced growing up, even in adulthood, so she could understand Gillian defending it. The quirks that once exasperated her were now the very things that made her heart ache for more. That made her long to uncover every part of the woman behind the guarded exterior. She expected there was even more that lay hidden away, more vulnerability that Gillian hadn’t let her see yet, and she couldn’t wait to unwrap it.
Grabbing her bag from the co-pilot seat, she headed around the side of the manor house, where its windows glowed with a warm, golden light. Making her way onto the drive, she stopped and looked back. The flickering of the fire in the great hall cast a cosy, orange light that embraced the entire house. Shadows danced across the glass as figures moved inside, their laughter and voices creating a welcoming hum. Even the walls seemed to vibrate with energy.
She smiled to see it alive, imagining this liveliness to be the house’s natural state over the last few decades, with Gillian at the helm, orchestrating gatherings, presiding over lively soirées, making sure everything was precisely as it should be. A light caught her eye and pulled her from her thoughts. Realising it was the front door opening, she strained to see who it was as a voice came through the darkness.
“You came!”
“Bridget, hi. Yes. Here I am,” she replied, approaching her.
“And? Was it worthwhile coming as I told you it would be? I heard you land some time ago. I’m assuming you found who you were looking for.”
“Yes, I did,” Viola replied with a contented smile. “Thanks for the encouragement and keeping me posted.”
“She was very down after you left. I hoped getting this place back would at least put a spring in her step. It did the opposite. So I took the opportunity to sow some seeds of thought.”
“It helped. Thank you.”
“Are you coming in?”
“No.” Viola looked towards the lodge. “Gillian’s tired, and apparently we have more to talk about.”
“Gillian, talk? That’s a new one.”
Viola smirked, although her eyes carried a hint of seriousness. “Bridget, can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Could you run this place on your own? If Gillian wasn’t here.”
“I could run it better if she wasn’t.” Her hand shot to her mouth as if trying to stuff the words back in.
Viola laughed; she’d missed Bridget. “It’s okay. I won’t say anything.”
Bridget smiled and lowered her hand. “I’ve been her right-hand woman for thirty-odd years. I’ve got used to my place in Gillian’s shadow. We make a good team.”
“Isn’t it time to step out of her shadow?
“Oh, I’m happy with my position as second-in-command,” Bridget said coyly.
“But you’re a flower waiting to bloom, Bridget.” Viola reached forward and squeezed her arm. “It’s time you bloomed. Can you? For her sake as much as your own.”
After a pause, Bridget replied, “I think I can.” She pulled herself up straight and nodded. “Yes, I can.”
“Then you know what to do. I’d best not keep her waiting.”
Bridget laughed. “No.” Her voice turned more serious. “Thank you for coming. For her sake as much as your own.”
Viola flashed Bridget a smile, acknowledging her throwing her own words back, and walked at double pace towards the lodge. Slipping her freezing hands into her pockets, she couldn’t help wishing for the climate she’d left behind in Australia.
A text from Gillian had made it easier to leave the country when her tour finished. Albeit on the formal side, Gillian’s request ‘for your presence should you have availability to attend a New Year’s Eve’s party at Kingsford Manor,’ made her smile and filled her with hope.
It was her first time hearing from Gillian since she had left for Australia. She’d seen her from a distance, though, having returned from Australia in the middle of her tour to attend the auction of the Gentileschi. She wanted to make sure the painting reached its estimated value, allowing Gillian to proceed with buying the estate. Truthfully, it wasn’t simply about the sale. She couldn’t help herself. It was an opportunity to catch a glimpse of the woman she missed and for whom she ached, whose company she craved to her core.
In the end, the final bid far exceeded the estimated value. Gillian’s face as the gavel went down showed pure elation and relief. She could relax a little knowing Gillian would have more than enough money to follow any dreams she envisaged for Kingsford. The pain that hit her as she snuck out of the auction house knowing any dreams Gillian might have didn’t include her was more than she could bear. By the evening, she was on a flight back to Australia to finish her tour, all alone and regretting ever returning to London.
Now there was only sheer joy in her heart. She was back at Kingsford, with the familiar sound of gravel crunching under her feet as it had done many times before. It was a place that was dear to her, even more so now she didn’t have the responsibility for it, and to top it off, she had just kissed Gillian Carmichael — properly.
Lurking in the back of her mind was a fear of the future and whether they could make it work, but as she reached the lodge, she spotted Gillian through the sitting room window and set those worries aside. Love always found a way. Her being here proved that.
Noticing the door was ajar, she let herself into the warm hall as her heart thudded in her chest. She was full of hope that the night may still be young, and she might be able to kiss Gillian Carmichael again — improperly.