Chapter Forty-Seven #2
At the restaurant, the two of them attracted the eyes of most of the diners.
It had recently acquired a Michelin star, so its clientele was certainly the type to own beautiful outfits, but Saskia could feel how much she stood out.
It wasn’t an unfamiliar sensation to her, but she could almost sense Kivi’s self-consciousness.
With that in mind, she ushered Kivi in front of her with the tips of her fingers at her waist, in what she hoped was both a possessive and reassuring gesture.
She didn’t remove her hand until they were both seated in a candle-lit table tucked away in a corner, where she immediately put her hand on Kivi’s knee instead.
They perused the menu, and while Saskia felt a faint flicker of anxiety at the listing of the calories next to each item, she forced herself to rationalise.
You are allowed to consume calories. Your body needs food to live, and you deserve to take pleasure in it.
Both were statements that Geoff, her therapist, had made her write down, and now she was glad she did, because it allowed her to order a Sicilian red prawn risotto with a minimum of guilt.
Kivi, meanwhile, went for halibut with brown butter and saffron, and they both agreed on a glass of Franciacorta to wash it down, recommended by the waitress.
When they were left to enjoy the complimentary olives and focaccia, they finally met each other’s gaze and smiled.
Kivi’s eyes skimmed down Saskia’s top half now – all that was visible over the table – and Saskia moved her hand further up Kivi’s leg until she was able to rub the fabric of her dress between her fingers.
“Satin,” she commented appreciatively.
“I think I bought it for a wedding some years ago,” Kivi said. “One I was attending, not organising.”
“Weddings keep cropping up, don’t they?”
“I’m not complaining. It’s what brought us together.” Kivi pursed her lips. “I can’t believe you weren’t there.”
“I’m sorry.” Saskia looked suitably regretful.
“I… had many reasons. I was too busy whipping my life into shape to get here any sooner. And I didn’t want to be a distraction.
I knew that if I turned up too close to the wedding, you wouldn’t be able to focus.
Which was why I left it until just after. Literally just after.”
Kivi still didn’t look convinced, but Saskia sensed that this was a topic to be revisited after the initial shock had worn off. Hopefully, long after.
“Anyway, Cass and Heather looked happy.” Saskia smiled at the memory of the two brides getting into a cab a couple of hours ago, both of them veritable puddles of gleeful mush. “They’ve got a long journey ahead of them.”
“Do you mean to New Zealand? Or in their marriage?” Kivi chuckled.
“Both,” Saskia laughed. “Although from what they’ve said, it sounds like they’ve had one hell of a journey already, just to get here. They didn’t spell it out, but they’ve been through the mill. Both of them.”
“I know.” Kivi looked pensive. “Been through shit that neither of them deserved.”
For a moment, they were silent, but then Saskia gave herself a mental poke. She hadn’t just invited Kivi out to talk about Cass and Felicia. There was something else she needed to say.
But now she was here, the words deserted her. Her pre-prepared speech died on her tongue. Come on, Saskia. You’re a writer, words are your forte. Come on. Just speak. Tell her. Or get the ring out. Just do SOMETHING!
Kivi didn’t seem to be in any hurry to break the silence.
The wine arrived, and they sipped it, but still the silence continued.
Saskia looked down at the ring on her finger, the one Kivi had presented to her when she’d left Cornwall back in July.
To do that, not knowing what was going to happen back then, would have taken far more guts than what Saskia was planning to do now.
And Saskia had courage in spades – it was what had gotten her this far in her career, and in her life.
But there was a big difference between taking a fashion risk and… and…
The food arrived, and the silence between them was broken by their exclamations of delight.
Perfectly seasoned, the risotto was consumed surprisingly easily, and Kivi’s fish melted in the mouth.
The portions weren’t overly large – well, it was a Michelin-starred restaurant after all – and so they both agreed that dessert was necessary afterwards.
“And I don’t mean you,” Kivi added with a wink.
Saskia could scarcely believe the direction her life had taken over the last few years.
Leaving Chica, striking out on her own, seeking therapy, and now pinning her homophobia down in order to strike it out and find real happiness.
She wasn’t religious in the slightest, but if she was, she’d have sent up a little prayer of gratitude.
By the time the flourless chocolate cake (Kivi’s) and Amalfi lemon tart (Saskia’s) arrived, they were chatting shyly about subjects of not much consequence.
Saskia told Kivi about how pleased British Living had been with her articles, and Kivi told her about Eva’s new Cavapoo puppy, Bruno.
He was a foster for now, but Eva was rapidly falling in love, so he had the potential to turn into a ‘foster fail’…
“Speaking of love,” Saskia said before her brain could check her mouth, “have I ever told you how much I love you?”
Kivi looked surprised for a moment, swallowing her mouthful of dessert. “Not recently,” she all but whispered, and Saskia saw a flicker of vulnerability in her eyes. Instantly, she felt like the shittiest girlfriend earlier.
“Oh, God,” she said, and grabbed Kivi’s hand.
“I know. I’m sorry. I’ve neglected you. I just…
I needed some time to wrap my head around everything.
And then my dad kicked off, and it set me right back…
but I never meant to make you feel anything less than perfect.
I love you. I love you so much. More than I ever thought possible. ” Say it. Say it…
“It scared you, didn’t it?” Kivi’s eyes filled with tears. “How you suddenly ‘turned gay’. It unlocked a part of you that you didn’t know about. And you pride yourself on knowing everything, especially about yourself.”
“Yes,” Saskia said honestly. “You’ve got it spot on there. I didn’t know how to feel. I had so much internalised homophobia to break down, and the universe gave me the perfect way to do so. That just… didn’t make it easy.” She let out a shaky breath, and smiled. “Worth it, though.”
“Am I?” Kivi’s smile was tremulous.
“Always,” Saskia whispered, and Kivi gave a soft sob. Just one, because she covered her mouth with her hand, almost as if forcing her emotions back.
“I can’t cry,” she muttered. “Not here. Not where people might know me.”
“We’re half an hour away from Miltree,” Saskia protested mildly, but didn’t press the point. Kivi sat for a moment, now with her hands over her eyes, and Saskia let her compose herself.
On the way home, Saskia flicked the radio on low, but Kivi took over and hooked up her phone so that she could play her own music.
Saskia didn’t recognise the artist she picked, but the sultry vocals toned down the atmosphere, taking the razor-edge off their emotions and softening the air between them.
Can I do it in the car? Before she gets out at home? No, not very romantic.
Toto was at Eva’s, helping to socialise Bruno, so there was no wagging welcome wagon at the door. Instead, Kivi closed it and drew the blind, then turned on Saskia with fire in her eyes.
“My God, Saskia.” Her eyes raked up and down Saskia’s body now, in an undisguised expression of desire. “A world without you in that dress…” she swallowed, as if her mouth were watering, “…is not a world I want to be in.”
“Guess I’m keeping it on forever, then,” Saskia said. “Because I want you to be a part of my life forever.”
And there it was. The perfect segue. Kivi paused, as if absorbing what she’d said, and Saskia took the opportunity to reach into her clutch bag and pull out the little pouch she had been secreting.
Then, out of the pouch, came the ring. Gold, with seven tiny stones set in a neat row, each one a different colour.
The colours of the rainbow. She pinched it between her thumb and forefinger, then proffered it to Kivi, whose mouth opened and closed like a goldfish.
“Is that- Are you-?”
“Am I what?”
“Proposing?”
Oh. Jesus. That hadn’t been what Saskia had had in mind, but now the idea was in there…
“Would you like me to?”
Time stood still, while Kivi gazed first at the ring, then at Saskia. Saskia’s body burned. This was worse than when she’d told Kivi about her eating disorder. Worse than the time she’d fainted. Because this could alter the course of her life – and even more radical, she actually wanted it to-
“Yes,” Kivi breathed, her eyes bright with tears.
“Yes?” Saskia squeaked. It was supposed to sound natural, steady, but her voice betrayed her.
“Yes.” Now Kivi was nodding hard, the tears streaming down her cheeks. “Yes, I’ll marry you.” And she launched herself into Saskia’s arms.
“I haven’t asked yet,” Saskia laughed, catching Kivi and almost lifting her with the fierceness of her embrace.
“You don’t need to,” Kivi said into her neck. “Oh my God. Saskia!”
“Well, let me put the ring on you, then,” Saskia protested, still laughing. “I spent long enough picking it out.”
“Let me see! Let me see!” Kivi almost bounced up and down, then examined it. She put it in her palm, then stroked it with the tip of her finger, peering at each little stone in turn. “A rainbow,” she remarked.
“Indeed,” Saskia said, then bit her lip, before slipping the ring onto Kivi’s finger.
It fit perfectly. “I know I said that this place – Miltree, with you – is a place akin to that fairy land that Judy Garland sings about, beyond rainbow’s end…
but this rainbow doesn’t have to end any more. It’s a circle. Eternal.”
“I know. Our rainbow.”
THE END