Chapter 6
Breathe.
I think the word repeatedly as I try to calm myself down. On the outside, I'm blank, but on the inside, I feel like all my organs are twisting together to create a solid brick of panic.
Linden's frantic pacing proves he's not in much better shape. Sitting down on the couch, I shove my head between my legs as my mind spirals. I'm bouncing from one horrible thought to the next.
We are barely making it as is. Barely getting our family what we need. No amount of gambling would bring in the amount of coin we would need to make it work.
Once I can catch my breath, fighting off my inevitable panic attack, I turn to my brother and ask him to explain.
"Ok, so they made an announcement at school today.
They're not seeing enough movement in the greeneries; magic is still non-existent, and the land is still almost completely barren.
The few spots they've been growing what little they can won't sustain our country for much longer.
" He winces through every other word, like it hurts him physically to tell me.
"Ok, but what about the underground greeneries? Why are they still not utilizing those?!" I ask, massaging my temples.
Nothing makes sense. What does this have to do with Willow's medication?
"They addressed that in their speech. They claim that the underground grow bunkers are dangerous.
They use too much power, the produce ends up being toxic half the time because of the amount they have to use, and every time they get a big one up and running, the wells dry up.
They claim the magic recedes more. The only way forward, according to officials, is by being more meticulous, using less tech and power, and being more respectful to the land so that it will bless us. " He looks at me, eyebrows raised.
"And they are cutting back medical care because it isn't produced 'naturally', tripling the price to weed out the people who can't afford it, lowering production... " I trail off and lock eyes with Linden.
"They can't do this. They can't. So now only the wealthy can afford to be sick? Everyone else dies?"
I feel frozen. My head floating above my body.
Linden stares back at me, unable to answer my questions. We sit in silence for a while, both of us running through different scenarios.
"Even if I sold myself, it wouldn't be enough," I whisper more to myself than to my brother.
"I'll pull out of school tomorrow. If I can get a couple of jobs.
.. maybe Willow can get a job too. I'm sure she could do a lot of her schooling from home, anyway.
She can get good grades in her sleep. This should never have been on just you anyway, Maple.
It's time we all met in the middle." Lindens bobbing his head like he's found the answer.
"It won't be enough," I explain. "There are no jobs. None around here that pay anything above survival. Why do you think I go to the Games so often? The diner doesn't even cover basic costs most weeks, Lind."
Looking over at my little brother; he seems suddenly so young. The despair on his face stripping away the years, reminding me of when things got bad when we were little. He's hunched over the table with his head in his hands now, like he's trying to solve the world's most intense math equation.
I go and sit across from him at the dinette, taking his hand and squeezing it.
"We have to figure something out Maple, we can't lose her too. She won't make it long without treatments. I've learned little bits here and there to keep her comfortable, but she won't last long before she ends up exactly like Mom." His voice cracks.
Tears build in Linden's eyes and slowly slip down his face. I know he's probably reliving the same horrifying memories that play on repeat for me some days. My heart fractures, knowing so intimately that helpless ache.
Staring at my little brother, and I know then what I've always known. I would move mountains. I would make sure they were okay, even if it ruined me. They would both live full lives. I would make sure of it.
"I know what I have to do," I say quietly, looking at him with such conviction it snaps his head up and our eyes meet. "I have to enlist."
Linden immediately stands back up, his instinct to pace taking over again.
"Maple, you can't. That's not an option."
I look at him, my eyebrows bunched, and I attempt to smile. The way he says it, I know he sees what I see. That it's our only hope. Our only way out.
The soldiers, even during training, are about the only people across the country who have access to proper medical care and consistent food. Their families have benefits, and even death pay. Which is often necessary because of how dangerous it is.
"You have absolutely no training Maple, no special skills that are transferrable. None that would keep you off the front lines."
He's trying to rein in his dread, and doing a poor job.
"Well, I don't really have any skills, transferrable or not." I snort.
Linden starts getting frustrated with my self-deprecation.
"Stop doing that. You know what I mean. You'd make a decent engineer, if they still allowed the inventing you'd be good at. If anyone should go, it should be me. They would take me in with the medics, even if I'm only a little practically trained."
Now it's my turn to get frustrated.
"You are absolutely not going. This is on me."
I say it a more firmly than I mean to. But I need him not to fight me on this.
Linden would never make it. He struggles with people, and in the past he's gotten himself in trouble by reading social situations poorly.
Throw him in with a bunch of burly unit crews and he'd drown, no matter how smart he is.
He's sweet and soft and everything good in him would die out there. It isn't an option.
"Lind, most medics are right there on the front lines, anyway. You'd be no safer than if you were a grunt. You can stay here, take care of Willow, finish school, and as soon as you do and your Doc benefits kick in for us, I'll come home. It will be a couple of years at most."
I say this softly, hoping he understands. Linden shakes his head, a vacant look in his eyes.
I know a part of him is relieved, and he probably feels guilty for that, too. As much as I'm sure he would love to step up, he's not meant for that kind of life.
I walk around to where my brother sits and take his face into my hands. I purposely squish his cheeks a little.
"Everything will be ok. This will work. I heard it takes forever before cadets see action. Besides, I'm very tough. I bet they'll see how very tough I am, and I'll just start training people."
I grin a little at this. It's half-hearted, but it pulls a crooked laugh from him. I tug him towards me for a tired hug.
"Come on. Let's go to bed. We can deal with telling Willow tomorrow. I need sleep."
I watch as Linden gets up, hesitating at his bedroom door.
"This is just going to be temporary, right?"
I look away because lying to his face is not something I can live with.
"Of course," I say, before locking myself in the bathroom and letting the full unbearable weight of my anxiety finally consume me.
The next morning I wake up to clanging in the kitchen.
I stretch and look over at Willow's bed.
It's not made, and her books are strewn all over the place, like she had fallen asleep on top of a random pile of them.
I smile. Willow is a hurricane. Sometimes it stresses me out to share a room with her, but considering last night's news, all I feel is a tug of sentimental affection in my chest.
How many more mornings would I get to wake up to this?
I hear Linden and Willow arguing about something and then a thud.
I resign to getting up and mediating whatever disaster was going on in the kitchen before our precious few items are destroyed.
I pull on my warmer clothes. It's always chilly in the morning.
The climate is a desert here, more so than it was when I was younger, warm during the day but the nights become freezing.
I finally stumble into the kitchen to find my sister attempting to make us breakfast. She must have taken a few pointers from Marta when she was doing homework at the diner, because it actually doesn't smell half bad in here.
"What's going on?" I say, eyeing my sister as she scurries around the kitchen.
"I'm trying to be helpful," Willow replies without making eye contact with me.
Linden brings over a cup of tea, giving me a sympathetic look. I realize what's happened instantly.
"You told her?" I bark.
"You know I can't keep a secret," he grits back.
"I can't believe you. I wanted to get organized first. Make sure we had a plan."
"It's not like it would have made a difference," Linden huffs, throwing his hands up.
"You two know I am literally right here, right?" Willow says, folding her slender arms as she glares at her older siblings.
She's staring at me like she is the adult here. Like she's disappointed. Angry. When I make full eye contact with my little sister, her chin wobbles. Anger always comes first with Willow. It's easier than feeling hurt. It's honestly probably something she learned from me.
I walk over to her and pull her into my arms. She melts into me, tears falling over her freckled face.
"Linden told me everything. There has to be another way... I can work." She says this through gasps of air.
"Aww bug, is that why you're trying to make breakfast? To prove something?" I pull her little head back so I can see her face, the sobs muffling her responses, and her face shoves back into my shirt, using it for a napkin. Finally, Willow looks back up and nods.
"I... I... I can help. And I don't even need the medication really that much anymore anyway, we can spread it out more.
I swear. You. can't. go." She says the last bit wiping her nose with her sleeve, which would be really gross under any other circumstance, but seeing her so distraught counteracts any emotion other than concern right now.