Chapter 14 #3
Still I feel confused because he was so hot and cold. And the more I think about it, the more I've realized that it wasn’t just that night he was like that. I keep reliving other interactions that don’t really make sense, now that I have the space to think.
Like the way he'd scold me for being intimate with someone, but then do the same thing. I always liked when he'd act possessive or overbearing with me. At the time, it had felt like it was a proclamation; I wasn’t the only one feeling what I was feeling, but now I’m not so sure.
Is possession the same as affection? Or was I just desperate?
Ultimately, I’m always left with more questions than answers, and I decide to lock away all the feelings of uncertainty where I keep everything else that feels too heavy to keep carrying.
The library is huge, even though it's slightly sunken into the ground. Older brick and wood that seems more worn than the training facility. I can’t put my finger on it, but there's a different feeling in the older parts of the buildings. The air is charged with something other.
The head clerk, Agatha, is sitting at her desk, silently judging the other clerks as she gives them tasks for the afternoon. I walk down the uneven cobbled steps, listening to the quiet rustle of paper and creak of book carts moving through aisles.
She gives me my tasks, filing and more filing. I give her a sincere grin and thanks. She eyes me suspiciously for a moment and then waves a hand, shooing me away.
They were very thorough in my orientation for this place. Intense even. I am not here to read or explore, I’m here to work. Few people seem to have access, besides the higher-ups and academics.
I’ve been too nervous to venture off my direct path, but every book I return, every aisle I pass, I keep my eyes scanning the books. For what? I’m not even sure. I just want to find something. Anything to help make sense of these lingering feelings I have.
I turn to head back to my cart again, when my face smacks into a hard chest and I stumble backwards.
Sturdy, calloused fingers wrap around my arms, catching me before I topple backwards. My eyes trace the muscled arms, perusing the thick veins that seem to pulse as they move.
I look up into deep green eyes.
I curse, loudly and without hesitation, causing Tane Valo's mouth to uptick into the faintest smirk. Which is rude. It's rude to be this good-looking.
He’s so close I can smell him. It’s a warm, woody aroma, musky with something underneath that's almost sweet. I can’t put my finger on it, but it smells familiar.
I'm temporarily blinded by how different he looks here. How close he is. How he hasn’t let go of my arms, or stepped back.
He seems to revel in my momentary paralysis, and I can’t seem to snap out of it.
I look up at his hair, it's more tousled than I've ever seen, gentle messy curls making him look softer.
He slicks it back during training. Between his hair and the scent lulling me into a false sense of security, I'm reminded of those sea creatures in the fairy tales we used to read, water dragons that look beautiful, before they open their mouths to devour their prey whole.
I notice again the small grey patch at the front, offset by the inky waves, and I ball my fist to stop myself from reaching out and tracing the scar that peeks out below the white. I want to see if his hair is soft. For science, I tell myself.
His smooth voice cuts through my thoughts like a slap, "I was just looking for a book."
I observe him as I step back, just slightly. I tell myself I don’t move back more because I don’t want to be the one backing down, but a part of me knows it’s more to do with that alluring smell and wanting to take him in close-up.
"You can read?" I shoot back before thinking, clamping my mouth shut after the words are out.
I’m not even sure I mean it as an insult. More an observation. Someone that looks like him should be ripping people apart on the battlefields, not prowling across libraries.
He barks a quick laugh, trying and failing to hold it in, and my entire body fills with an embarrassing satisfaction at the sound. It feels a little like I've won a prize, and it must show on my face because he smiles.
He smiles, and not a faint smile or a sarcastic smirk, but a genuine, devastating grin. His pearly white teeth and full lips are offset by dimples. I wish he wouldn’t do that.
"Yes, I can read," he replies, and although he sounds blunt, I catch the humor glinting in his eyes.
I try to act casual as I walk back towards my cart.
"I just didn’t think you were the type to be lurking in libraries, is all," I say with a shrug. He shakes his head, looking more exhausted than he did a moment ago.
He hesitates, but then quickly shoots around me, spinning to face me while walking backwards. He seems to think something over before replying, "I better get out of your hair. I have a lot to do anyway––like learning how to read." He gives me a deadly smirk with a wink, turning to leave the aisle.
When he turns, he obviously does so too quickly and forgets I’ve placed my cart right at the side of the entrance, because I hear a thud and a grunt.
The cart smacks against the shelf after Tane walks into it.
My hand flies up to my mouth to muffle my laugh as I hear a brief whispered curse, followed by heavy steps.
I stand there for a moment, mulling over my interaction, feeling heat scorch my cheeks as I remember how shamelessly I was gawking at him. Again.
I remind myself that he's the Council's right-hand man. That he has a reputation for a reason, although I have seen little evidence of that, yet. My mind wanders to the church in town, the bodies. The girl. I shudder, wondering if Tane was the one who hung them. Everyone’s always talking about how he’s the Council's enforcer. My stomach churns at the thought.
As I push my cart to the next aisle, I lean to grab the right stack of books, and a title at the top catches my eye. Odd, I don’t remember seeing this one. Old Acardyan Lineages. It’s the perfect size, so on my way out it accidentally finds its way into my rolled-up jacket.