Chapter 17 #2
I give a nod, and turn, not wanting to hear more with so many ears around. I grab his arm, aggressively hauling him along.
"Let's go for a stroll," I spit out.
"Gods, what have I done now?" he huffs. "I feel like you're always mad at me."
I narrow my eyes, trying to see through the red haze that's taking over. As soon as we turn round a quiet corner, I turn to face him.
"That's because I kind of am, Deacon. I feel like every time I turn around, I'm learning new and exciting facts about you.
Tell me something, do you not see the wild indifference you seem to have?
Does it not bother you that your new buddy was probably the one who helped legislate Willow's medication cost increasing?
Does it not strike you as odd that our home is in shambles, and this place seems to be thriving?
Or is your life so riddled with privilege, you can't even see the disparity?
I'm curious. Just how chummy are you with Zander, knowing he could very well cause my sister's death without a second thought? " I cross my arms.
Deacon sucks in a breath, shocked. My gut turns over itself, some of my gusto leaving me as I see the anguish written all over his face.
"I'm only going to say this once." He steps closer.
"You do not have a monopoly on hardship.
You are not the only one who gets to survive by any means.
You don't get to break the rules whenever you want to, and then ridicule me when I do what I need to do to protect the people that I love, which, yes, includes you and your entire family.
If I have to play nice with people who aren't so good, or cross lines to keep you all safe, that is a price I'll gladly pay.
So, if we're done with this interrogation, I'll talk to you later. "
He blows past me. No joke, no softening of his words. I'm left standing there, swaying in my turmoil.
Parts of what he said are true. Of course they are. But there's a big part of me that wonders if we're ever going to see things the same way again.
I'm reading in bed. After a long day, getting lost in a book is the only thing that will quiet my busy brain.
Farra is writing to her mother, but I haven't seen her get a letter back so far.
Willow and Linden write regularly. Nothing of great importance, though.
Sometimes Willow complains aggressively about Linden's less than flexible rules.
Linden has mentioned twice that he wishes I never asked Marta to check in on them, that she's been bossy and I laugh, thinking of her scolding him and how flustered he probably gets.
My seemingly peaceful evening is cut short when we hear a loud crash in the hallway. Our door is wrenched open without a knock, and Leo comes barreling through like he's on fire.
"What is wrong with you!" I scold, quickly getting to my feet.
Leo stumbles, completely out of breath, and I manage to catch him before he falls over. Farra shoots up, confused and groggy, and I realize she'd fallen asleep writing her letter and now has ink smeared on her face.
Yet, she still somehow manages to look more put together than anyone else. My attention snaps back to Leo, who still can't catch his breath.
"Man, what is going on with you? How far did you run to get that winded?" I look at him with concern.
"I… I was on watch. I ran here when they dumped me back at the entrance," he says, using one hand on my shoulder for support.
"Ok... and why the hell did you run all the way here and barge into our room? We could've been changing," Farra barks impatiently.
"It’s better if I just show you," Leo says, ignoring Farra's comment, which has my head tilting in confusion.
He pulls out something from the inside of his jacket pocket. Leo uncurls his fist, and in his palm is a small plant, with roots in a crumbling patch of soil.
I scrunch up my face, trying to register what I'm seeing. The small green leaves are somewhat wilted, but otherwise what I think I'm seeing is a healthy plant. In soil. That was growing.
I balk.
"What. Is. That?" Farra is wide eyed, and her hands go to the top of her head.
Reaching I run the leaves between my fingers as gently as I can. I've never seen a plant like this. "Leo, what is this? Where did you get it?" I'm fighting between awe and panic.
"I was patrolling the wall. Near the end of my shift, I saw something out of the corner of my eye.
When I went to bend down, there it was. A strong, healthy, very much alive plant.
" He sits on the end of the bed, and we crouch beside him, all staring at the plant like it's the most amazing thing we've ever seen.
"So, you plucked it," Farra mumbles.
"So, I plucked it," he repeats.
"And now we have it. In our room." My turns to Leo. "Did anyone see you take this?"
Leo shakes his head enthusiastically. "No, I was paired with that buffoon, Sean. He either falls asleep or leaves early on every single shift. He was already packing up when I went around and grabbed it, and it was at the other end of the concrete slab."
I nod, appreciating that he'd at least not put us in immediate danger.
Farra grabs the clump from Leo, still in awe.
"We should report this. I mean, right?" She's holding the tiny half-crushed plant like it's a newborn. Like it's the most precious thing in the world.
I know I've seen a live plant at some point.
The world wasn't this completely desolate when I was a small child, but even if I had seen them when I was young, I don't remember.
I vaguely remember stories about my mother picking wildflowers, or my grandparents growing beautiful gardens.
About my dad playing games with friends in fields of grass.
But I've never experienced a single one of those things. None of us have.
"Well, it's definitely going to die now that Leo's stolen it from its home," I mutter.
Leo frowns at me. "What was I supposed to do, leave it? We've been looking for answers and proof that something is weird here, and then I find this? It seemed too good to pass up."
We all just continue to stare at the plant, brows furrowed.
"It's true. We actually had a report yesterday that said there's been no new progress with agriculture. But I can't believe that's true if Leo just stumbled on this... weed, randomly, without someone even bothering to water it." Farra shakes her head as she talks.
I run my fingers through my unruly hair. "We can't report it now. I don't trust that they won't try to discipline Leo, or ship him off. We have no idea which way it would go, and it's not worth it. Fallon seems to love to dole out punishments." I cringe.
"Maybe we take it to Sibs? We haven't made it back there yet, but we need to. We hide it in here until this weekend, and then I take it and either dispose of it, or leave it with her." I eye my friends waiting for argument.
"And trust the old lady with something that could screw us over?" Farra scoffs.
"She won't turn us in. Look at her house. Everything in there could send her straight to the depths of Aether," Leo responds before I have a chance to.
"Ok, I guess that’s kind of the best option," Farra concludes.
"I know we had said we were all going together, but this changes things a little. I really need you two to hang back here, or in town, so people see you. An alibi is our best option right now." I shrug hoping they understand.
Leo agrees without hesitation. Farra agrees on the condition they stay close.
We sit there for a minute, passing around the plant and study it thoughtfully, talking about what kind of plant it could be, until a knock sounds. We all freeze. It opens slowly when no one responds, and my eyes widen in horror as I realize what's about to happen.
Farra reacts quickest, tackling Leo, who has the plant in open view of the door and places her body over his as the door swings open.
"Oh, shit, sorry... I knocked, but I heard your voices, so I didn't think I'd be interrupting. Wait, what am I interrupting?" Deacon stares at our strange positions.
I'm on the floor, trying and failing to look casual. Farra has her whole body covering Leo, in what can only be described as the most awkwardly platonic form of smothering one has ever seen.
"We were preparing for group sex. Yes, you may join. Yes, you will have to be intimate with all of us. No, y–"
Leo stops talking when Farra slaps her hand over his mouth, threatening to end his insignificant life, among various curses.
"He is such an idiot sometimes that we have to do this, ya know?" I say, standing, trying to block out the view of Farra smothering Leo behind me, and pray to the Gods Deacon doesn't catch a glimpse at what is inevitably a smushed plant between the two on the bed. I usher him towards the door.
"Did you want to go for a walk and talk for a bit while these two work out their marital dispute?" I put my boots on quickly as Deacon nods, watching them, confused.
"Yeah, that's why I came by." We both ignore Leo's yelps for help as I shut the door behind me.
We walk down the stairs out and into the courtyard in heavy silence.
Deacon breaks it first, sighing, "I'm sorry we've been fighting so much lately. Even before you left, things felt off." His hands run through his auburn locks, and I see the worry on his face. I smile at him.
"I know. I'm sorry too."
I think about what to say next, because while I'm sorry we've been fighting, I'm not really sorry about what I said. For once, I don't want to try to make him feel better by taking it back.
"You were right, of course, about most of it. I've never fully understood where you were coming from. Even if our lives were always unfolding right beside each other, I'm not blind Maple. I know we've had very different experiences." He swallows.
I keep my eyes trained on my feet, unwilling to look at him, so I don't start crying. I bob my head, hoping he'll keep talking so I won't have to.
"Also... we never hashed things out. At home you were always so determined, distracted by all your responsibilities, it felt impossible. And I know I've handled certain things... poorly. Especially, um… that night before you left."
I look up at him now as he stumbles through his words. His cheeks go slightly pink, and I laugh, "Oh boy, do I see a blush? Are you embarrassed?" I tease.
"Yes, I am embarrassed. I'm embarrassed because I'm not sure when the lines got so blurry between us, or why that made me act like an idiot. But I did, and I'm not sure where to go from here." He sighs again, a slight frown on his face.
My chest tightens, so I turn and keep walking. It's easier to be honest when we aren't facing each other.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Of course," he replies softly.
My next words come out in a flurried exhale. "Why did you kiss me that night? And then just... stop?" I see his face strain.
"Straight for the kill, I see." He smiles, looking up at the sky like he's trying to find the right words.
"I need to know. You've had all the time in the world to kiss me. You're not blind. You know how I feel about you... Why there haven't been many others. So, answer my question. Why would you go there only to do a complete turnaround in a matter of minutes?"
I try to keep the hostility out of my voice, to sound unbothered. But truthfully, it had hurt my feelings. I tried to convince myself it was just a goodbye, a way to express ourselves when words didn't seem enough. But time away had only clouded that, and it bugged me.
I wait and wait, and just as I'm about to get fed up, he lets out a breath.
"You're not the only one who feels that way, Maple. I have wanted to kiss you since... well, since I can remember." He hesitates and seems like he's about to say more, but doesn't.
Frustration gets the better of me.
"That's not really answering my question." I look over and catch something fleeting across his face. Guilt, maybe?
"Look, you're not the only one that has people relying on them. I care about you. In more ways than I'll ever admit. I'm just not sure we should cross that line. You are my best friend, and honestly, that's more important to me than anything else. I can't risk us."
I bite my lip, trying to hide my face as the pang of his words ring through me hollowly.
The thinly veiled rejection. Looking over at him, I catch it again, that indistinguishable emotion passing across his face.
And it makes me pause. Why does it feel like he's leaving out vital parts of this equation?
"Understood," is all I can muster back. Even though nothing is understood at all.
"You understand? You're not mad?" he pleads.
I nod, kicking my feet lightly in the dust on the path; and although I'm actually not sure about either, I decide to let it be. I'm not about to convince someone to be with me. If he wants to leave our relationship as it is, I'll respect that.
He bumps into me playfully, pulling me from my thoughts.
"So, what exactly did I walk in on back there? I didn't think Leo and Farra were actually together."
I can't help it, I laugh. "Oh, they definitely aren't."
"So, what then? It was weird, right?" He looks at me hopefully, wanting in on our inside jokes. I hesitate and for just a fraction of a second, think of telling Deacon what's really going on. About the plant, about our little investigation.
But something deep in my gut says to stay quiet. Maybe part of protecting Deacon is keeping him at arm’s reach for this stuff. He's clearly kept stuff from me, and maybe that is okay. Maybe that's just how our relationship has evolved with age.
"No, Leo just actually drives Farra to insanity. You'd be surprised at how many interactions result in him being injured." I laugh again, and it's true. And that's the best kind of lie, isn't it? One laced with bitter half-truths?