Chapter 31 #2
He tilts his head, waiting for my response.
I think of all the little rules I've broken since I arrived.
I think of the family I set free, that's hopefully somewhere safe.
I think of Sibyella, and Macklin and Briggs, and all the people I've spoken to, and the information I've gathered that he might want, but that I won't give.
I bring my hands under the desk now, holding them still.
"I'm sorry, sir, I'm not sure I can be helpful. I haven't heard anything among the cadets I've been interacting with, nor the permanent staff. Do you want me to spy on someone specific?" I ask innocently.
"Not specifically. I'm simply asking you to befriend people outside of your current social circle. People seem to gravitate towards you, Ms. Treow. Your professors say that your peers confide in you quickly and easily, and I'd like you to use those skills to flush out any... bad seeds."
I nod, worrying about what exactly I'm agreeing to.
"You may take leave to see your siblings, but I do expect you to report back soon with valuable information.
That is the cost. What do you say?" he asks with a smile.
I'm sure he means it to look kind. Under any other circumstance, Zander might be attractive.
But there's something off about him, cold.
The way his pointed nose is just a little too straight, his eyebrows too even.
Everything looks perfectly curated and overly polished against the harshness of our world. He feels out of place.
"That shouldn't be a problem," I lie politely. "I'm not sure how valuable the information will be. People don't tend to announce their illegal activities, no matter how approachable I am."
"You're a smart girl, Maple. I'm sure you'll get creative. Just like you did with the tower. You know, the other Council members were quite impressed by your... ingenuity."
Clearly, I need to figure out how to give him something of value, or I will pay the price.
"Yes, sir. Thank you."
He walks me to the door.
"I hope everything is well with your siblings. I know how much they must mean to you. Good luck," he says that sharp smile plastered on his face, but somehow never reaching his eyes.
I make my way back to the dorms with an uneasy feeling sitting heavy in my gut. I tell myself it doesn't matter. It won't matter if he demands information, because I don't plan on being here to give him anything.
The uneasy feeling turns into bile creeping up my throat.
I hate that I've caught the other Council members' attention.
And if that's the case, will everyone I care about here be okay when I leave––or will they be targets?
I don't know how to ensure their safety once I'm gone.
Tarius would probably leave with us. We haven't told him anything yet, but I suspect we're as close to family as he's got. But Berkley? Not a chance.
Speaking of Berkley, I see a sullen-looking figure sulking out in the courtyard by a rickety, old picnic table. I head over; we haven't had much time to talk since we've been back, and his mood hasn't improved.
"Hey, what are you doing out here?"
He grunts, not looking up from his book.
"Berk, are you reading romance books again? Can I borrow it when you're done?" I caught him once, reading a book about a maiden who was in love with a fire sprite, and teased him endlessly about it.
He turns and gives me a scowl, but his eyes look vacant. I frown.
"Is this about the assignment again? I already told you I know you didn't mean to hit me that hard. I made a choice. I got us into a messy situation, and you got us out." I grab his arm, forcing him to look at me, but he still says nothing.
"Berkley, seriously, what is going on? You've been off since before our assignment. I'm worried about you. Tell me what's going on... Please?"
He shakes his head and closes his book a little more forcefully than necessary.
"Did you have memories come back with those herbs, Maple?" he asks, his voice taking on emotion I've never heard from him.
"Yes, you know I did. We all did," I say gently. I search his face, for something, but I barely recognize my friend right now.
"Well, maybe some of those memories were better off buried. I... I can't..." He's still shaking his head as he slumps forward.
I can feel the anger and pain radiating off him like thick clouds of smoke. Another person might leave him in peace to work through this privately, but he deserves to know that someone cares enough to help him figure it out.
"Tell me." It's a demand, not a request.
He shakes his head again.
"Get it out, Berkley. You can't keep going like this." My voice doesn't waver—gentle, but firm.
He looks up at me, and anguish twists his features.
"They're gone, Maple… and it's my fault.
They are all gone. And what's worse, I forgot.
I fucking forgot that my own children and wife had died.
Whatever they gave me was a blessing. I knew it as soon as my memories started to clear.
Whatever you're messing with, count me out.
.. I just need to forget, again." His voice cracks.
I feel his guilt like a punch to my heart, the wind knocked out of me more completely than when I fell from the tower.
I caused him this agony. Are we all better off forgetting the hardship and pain we've endured?
I'm quiet as I listen to Berkley's ragged breaths.
I scoot closer to him, entwining our arms as I lean my head on his shoulder.
"What were their names?"
Tears slowly falling down his weathered face now, dripping onto the table.
"Dawson and Mavis," he says, wiping his nose as he lets out a bitter laugh. "Mavis was a lot like you. She was clever and fierce, and she could wrap just about anyone around her finger. Dawson... he was more like his mother. Gentle... kind."
He palms his eyes like it's impossible to say more, and I wrap myself around him, willing some of his pain to ebb off onto me. I'd take it, if I could. I can't imagine. If I lost either of my siblings, I think I would die.
"You're not weak because you forgot. I think our brains have funny ways of protecting us. Whatever they've been slipping into our food aids that process." Between the trauma, and the drugs they dose us with, it's not a surprise some of our brains race to forget.
He shakes his head again, staring off into the distance, utterly haunted.
"I must be a coward, because I'd do anything to forget.
Even before they were gone, I was awful.
I don't deserve to keep breathing while they're not.
There's nothing to make right because they are gone.
" He heaves, and it's the kind of empty cry that cracks your heart in half.
It's the kind of grief that slithers and seeps into your bones from just being near it.
"I'm so sorry, Berk," I whisper.
"But..." I hesitate, my hands tense and ball into fists as I search for the right words.
"But, I'm not sorry you're still here. You can still honour them in this life.
Make this world better, so that when you meet them in the beyond, you have something you're proud to tell them about," I whisper, hoping he understands.
He shakes his head, but there's less resistance in his eyes. He finally leans into my embrace. We stay quiet for a little while, until he flips open the book he was reading.
"Now go plan whatever nefarious thing you're scheming and tell me later what I need to know. The maiden is about to get hot and heavy with her ghost boyfriend."
I snort, giving him another hug, and hoping he can feel the love I try to pour into it, before reluctantly leaving him alone with his grief.