Chapter 17
Victoria stood there, dumbstruck for some minutes. Wild thoughts crossed her mind—first and foremost, tearing apart Elias’s room in a heated rage. But she thought better of it and finally gathered her senses enough to dress and slip down the hall to her own room.
Once there, she dropped into a chair to think. She was tense, unable to relax into her seat. So she sat on the edge, her spine straight and her hands trembling. Had they made love? She wasn’t sure if what they had done counted. Certainly in some circles it would. And what would that mean, if anything, in regard to her arrangement with Lord Reginald?
Victoria cursed herself in anger. What had she done? Why had she allowed herself to feel so safe with Elias? This could destroy everything. She and her mother were on the precipice of financial ruin once more. It was so very unlike her…wasn’t it? Or had she always been governed by her heart?
Victoria ran her fingers through her hair. She did live her life by her heart’s guidance, but this was an era of logic. She had resigned herself to a long wait as Lord Reginald’s wife. She would have books and free rein of the forest. Those were to be her solace as she waited for freedom and her return to the sea.
But then there was Elias and she opened her horizons to the possibility of more. What happened there? Usually she was such a good judge of character. Had she been wrong about the young Harrington? Was she blinded by her fondness for the man, only seeing what she wanted to see? She just could not understand his behavior. Everything pointed to Elias wanting her too, why did he work so hard to fight it? Didn’t he understand that there was nothing between herself and his uncle? Didn’t he feel this deep intuitive knowing that she was his and he was hers?
Victoria groaned, her mind traveling to her mother. Charlotte was counting on her. Her father would have been counting on her. George Fairfax loved his wife deeply, even if he couldn’t give up the sea for her. He never strayed in the long months that he was away, and he kept a drawing of Charlotte in his compass, saying she was his way home. Now that George was gone, Victoria knew he’d have expected her to do everything in her power to protect Charlotte. But in this, she had endangered her.
What was there to do now? Couldn’t she go back in time? She tried to remember what it felt like to be content with a library and a forest. But Elias had erased such simple pleasures from her consciousness. She couldn’t remember how to want anything besides him. But that was not Victoria’s way.
She jumped out of her seat and shook herself. She slapped her cheeks and paced the room. She was uncontrollable, a force of nature, a wild woman. No man was going to ruin her so completely. She didn’t need to understand Elias’s actions. That is what she told herself. She told herself she would lay down in her bed, and when the light of day filled her window, she would wake to find herself in her right mind once more.
Hurriedly, she changed into her night clothes, her ears prickling for any sounds of signs of Elias. But the house was silent. Victoria convinced herself that there would be magic in a good night’s sleep. So, she blew out the candles and shut off the lamps, hunkering down beneath the blankets.
Sleep,she willed. Sleep, sleep, sleep. It went on like that for many hours, and finally, she drifted into a light and restless slumber. When morning came, no magic had transformed her into her previous self, but her determination persevered.
Dressing, she made her way to the dining room where only one place setting had been prepared.
“Where is Lord Reginald this morning?” she asked Mary.
“He took his morning meal in his study, miss. He’s been busy writing letters.”
Victoria smiled. At least one thing was right in the world. “And…young Mister Harrington?”
“He must have gone out early this morning,” Mary said. “He likes to get a good walk in before breakfast.”
Victoria fought the urge to grumble. It was more likely that Elias hadn’t come back home last night at all. He had slept out there in the woods, free from the choke hold of these confusing feelings, and Victoria resented him for it.
She’d had enough. Elias had been trying to control her from the moment she set foot on the Edenbridge estate, and she had let him dictate her movements—like a fool. But no more. She would enjoy the pleasures that brought her to this house in the first place. The library and the forest were hers. A fresh sense of optimism filled her breast and she ate her breakfast with gusto. She would need the energy for a nice long trek through the woods.
Later that day, Victoria slipped out of the front doors, unseen by the house servants. No one would stop her. No one would comment today on what she could or couldn’t do. And if she came upon Elias, she would not pause for any of his admonishing words. Let him take it up with his uncle. Let him take all of it up with his uncle. He’d behaved like a criminal, and if a gentleman like Lord Reginald found out what had happened between them, surely Elias would be out on his ass.
Victoria assured herself of this, but in her heart, she was frightened. Her future was hanging in the balance. Victoria wouldn’t mind being poor. She really wouldn’t. She was used to a humble life. But Charlotte…poor Charlotte. She knew no other life, and poverty would devastate her. Victoria’s thoughts were dark as she made for the tree line. No hulking figure impeded her path. Finally, she was free to explore.