Chapter 21
Kai
The house was dark and Janet had long gone to bed. The adrenaline had worn off and it was just the two of us. Her head on my chest, my arm around her and her absentmindedly tracing patterns on my ribs with her fingers.
If I could have, I would have purred under her touch. It felt too intimate, too perfect, for someone I wasn’t supposed to keep.
Tori broke the silence first.
“How are you feeling about tomorrow?”
Unconsciously, I tensed for a fraction of a second before relaxing again and exhaling. “Dunno. Nervous, I reckon? Feels like I’m so close to actually getting my shit together but…” I sucked my teeth. “Yeah, nah. Still feel nervous as hell.”
“I get that. I feel the same way before every single fight … like no matter how well I train and prepare, there’s always this little nagging feeling of insecurity in the background.”
A feeling akin to relief spread through my chest, sticky and warm like molasses. Tori had a knack for making me feel understood and seen without even trying.
Did she know she was undoing me? I bit back an amused huff. Knowing her, probably not.
She traced the patterns inked into my skin with her fingers.
“What do they mean?”
“My tattoos?”
A shiver of pleasure raced down my spine when her fingertips ever so slightly brushed across my skin, and I closed my eyes.
“Yeah. They are traditional, right?”
“Sure are. My dad’s side of the family is Māori and from New Zealand. These tattoos are a way for me to feel more connected to that part of my heritage and my family’s culture.”
“I love that.” Her words carried a palpable sense of wonder. “When did you get them?”
“Sixteen.”
Tori’s head jerked up and she stared at me, her eyes wide with shock.
“What? Really?”
I chuckled. “Yeah. Believe it or not, that’s not that unusual.”
“It isn’t?” Her eyes grew wider still.
I grinned, delighted by her shocked, unguarded expression. “It’s really common to get them at significant milestones, so once I turned sixteen, I couldn’t wait to get mine. It was important to me to feel connected to my tīpuna.”
“That is so interesting!” She slowly lowered her head back onto my chest. “It always amazes me how different cultures across the world are.”
“Too right. Growing up in Australia was brilliant but I also love honoring my dad’s culture and being part of something so much bigger than myself.”
I grabbed Tori’s hand, which was lying flat on my chest, and guided it back to trace the black lines once more. She caught on quickly and resumed the slow movements.
“It sounds pretty impressive. I understand the wanting to be a part of something bigger than yourself.”
I hummed in agreement.
Silence fell once more but her fingers never stopped moving. I’d almost thought she’d fallen asleep when she spoke again, her breath ghosting over my skin.
“I feel stuck.”
I tightened my arm around her. “How?”
“Like everyone else is … moving. Choosing things. Majors, careers, lives. And I’m just—” She exhaled, frustrated. “—watching it all from the backseat. Like I’m not steering anything. Like I’m wasting time I can’t afford to waste.”
“Tori…” I whispered. “You’re only wasting time if you’re not with the people you love or doing something worthwhile. And from what I’ve seen so far, you’re doing both.”
“You don’t know that.
“I do.” I made sure to keep my voice steady and even.
Tori stared at the ceiling. “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be doing. What I want. What I’m good at. I’ve switched my major multiple times already.” She took a deep, shuddering breath. “Every time, it feels like choosing the wrong answer I’m going to pay for the rest of my fucking life.”
I fought the urge to pull her fully on top of me.
“You don’t have to know yet.” I watched goosebumps spread over her skin where my breath had touched it. “You just need to give yourself permission to figure it out.”
She swallowed. “I don’t have the money to figure it out. My goddamn indecisiveness has already landed me in this situation. It’s why I have to work two jobs, and at this rate I’ll never catch a break.”
There it was — her real fear. The one she had been hiding behind sarcasm and stubbornness all this time.
“You’ll figure everything out. If you … if you ever need help, I’ll be here. You don’t have to do everything alone, you know?”
Her breath hitched.
“What about you?” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “What do you want? Besides tackling humongous men … or lifting them, or whatever it is you usually do.”
I huffed a laugh. “That is a priority.”
She nudged me. “It kind of seems like you’ve got it all figured out.”
“I want to go pro,” I admitted. “It’s my dream. Always has been.”
“And if it doesn’t work out?”
“My mum made me pick a backup plan.” I brushed my thumb along her hip. “So I chose something … easy. Sports science. Something I can use back home, something that won’t fry my brain.”
“Do you like it?”
“No idea,” I replied honestly. “Compared to rugby, though? Nothing stacks up.”
She gave me one of her rare, genuine smiles. I turned so she had to look at me.
After hesitating for a moment, I quietly brought up the question.
“Tori … can I ask something? You don't have to answer if you don't want to.”
Her hand flexed on my chest, but she didn’t pull away.
“Why do you live with your gran?”
She sighed. “Because she needed someone to. Even though she never would've asked me to.”
I stayed silent, letting her decide how much to give me.
“My sperm donor left when I was a kid. Ran off with a woman ten years younger than my mom.”
The hint of bitterness in her words made my chest ache.
“Mom worked so fucking hard to give me a good childhood. She sacrificed everything for me. And when I graduated, she got this fantastic nursing job in Atlanta. Better pay, better hours, better everything. She deserved living her own life after doing all the heavy lifting while raising me.”
Her fingers traced slower circles now, lost in thought.
“But Gran didn’t want to leave town, and …
honestly? I didn’t want to leave her either.
She’s been here forever. We’ve always been locals.
So I stayed. I was already working at the gym, and Gran goes to church with the owner of the Neon Possum's mom … so she kind of forced him to give me the bartending gig, I guess. Then I just enrolled at brU.”
She exhaled. “It just made sense, in many ways.”
We both remained silent, each lost in our own thoughts. I just held her because it felt like the only right way to respond.
“You did right by both of them,” I finally said. “Anyone can see that.”
Tori didn’t offer a response, but her body softened against mine and the tension eased slightly.
“I don’t know what my future looks like.” I held her gaze. “And you don’t know yours. But I know this.” I slid my hand up her back, cupped the base of her skull, and tugged her closer until her breath mingled with mine.
“Fear isn't going to determine our fate.”