Chapter 29
Tori
Ididn’t sleep. Well, not really.
After last night and my talk with Gran, it seemed like we had reached an impasse. It was time for me to make a decision, and I was terrified. I knew what my heart wanted, but giving in to those desires wasn't easy when you've spent years doing the opposite.
I woke up before sunrise, feeling anxious and scared of saying the wrong thing — or rather, the right thing, knowing it would change everything.
Kai was still asleep behind me, one massive arm draped over my waist like he’d locked me into place on purpose. I lay there, listening to his slow, steady breathing, until the pressure in my chest became unbearable.
I needed to move.
To do something.
I eased myself out from under his arm, tiptoed to the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Shivering in the chilly morning air, I checked the time on my phone and groaned. Uncertainly, I let my gaze wander around the room.
Should I just shower? That would only serve to make me overthink more. I needed something to keep me busy, a task.
As I brushed my teeth furiously, I eyed my hair in the mirror. I guess my streaks could do with a touch-up … the red was starting to look slightly dull. Nodding at my reflection, I dug out all my supplies and started mixing the dye as if it were a coping mechanism.
The sight of me stirring bright red dye in a little bowl must’ve acted like some kind of ritual summoning, because suddenly Kai’s huge frame filled the bathroom doorway. With his messy hair and bare chest, he looked entirely too good for someone who’d just woken up.
“What are you doing?” His voice was husky with sleep as he blinked at me.
Oh, you know, just brewing a little potion at the ass-crack of dawn like some deranged bathroom witch. Totally normal behavior.
“Dyeing my hair.” I stirred with more force than technically necessary. “What does it look like?”
“Is it … supposed to look like—” he stepped inside cautiously, “well, like that?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yup.”
“How are you so sure?”
“Well, considering I’ve mixed this dye every four weeks for pretty much two years now, I daresay I've got the formula down by now,” I deadpanned.
His brows drew together. “Every four weeks? Why?”
“Because my hair happens to grow out of the top of my head. And no matter how hard I try, it just won’t come out dyed bright red already. So … I gotta do some maintenance.”
“Ohhh.”
The logical part of me wanted to be annoyed at him for barging in, but something inside me — something scared, jittery, and overwhelmed — eased.
Kai always did that.
He came and stood next to me and grabbed his toothbrush as though it were the most normal thing in the world. It was like we were an old married couple, just getting ready for the day.
“Let’s get going then,” he said, after rinsing his mouth. “I’ll help.”
“Have you ever dyed hair before?” I asked skeptically.
“Yeah nah, but I’m very talented with my hands.”
I choked on thin fucking air and his grin told me he knew exactly what he’d done.
For some unfathomable reason, I found myself handing him the brush anyway.
Kai tugged on gloves like he was preparing for surgery, then guided me to sit on a stool in front of the bathroom mirror. He parted my hair with those huge, shockingly gentle fingers and combed through the strands which had lost their vibrancy.
“Run me through what I’m doing here.” He lifted a lock to the light.
“It’s just the streaks,” I instructed him. “They fade faster than I’d like.”
“We can’t have that. Not if they make you happy.”
“I … suppose they do.” My throat tightened stupidly and I looked down so he couldn’t see me going all mushy.
Why did it feel like he knew me too well?
“Enough of a reason for me,” he said gently. “I’d do anything to give you a hand with something that makes you happy.”
Then he just got to work without commenting on why I’d got up or why I’d decided to dye my hair at this hour. A warmth spread through my chest, slowly but surely strengthening my resolve.
Carefully parting my hair, Kai selected the strand colored in a now faded red and painted on the vibrant dye. He touched me like I was something important while I tried not to lose my mind about … him.
The smell of dye mixed with his skin and the woodsy, warm soap he used. I could feel his body heat pressing close behind me and his breath occasionally brushing the back of my neck. Each time it happened, something deep inside me seemed to fracture.
“There,” he murmured after a while, smoothing foiled strands so they laid flush. “I reckon now we wait?”
I nodded, but my chest felt too tight. It was too full, bursting with emotions swirling around unbidden.
Kai took the gloves off and crouched down in front of me, locking eyes with me as he rested his hands gently on my knees. The sun finally crept through the blinds, the warm light playing on his hair, and his handsome face wore an open and patient expression.
“You okay?”
That was it — the thing splitting me straight down the middle. Nobody ever asked me if I was okay. Not like this, not like they really meant it.
I swallowed but it didn’t go anywhere.
“Tori,” he said again, softer this time. “Talk to me.”
“I’m—” My voice cracked. “I’m scared.”
His features softened in a way that made the floor sway.
“Of what?” His fingertips lightly ghosted over the bare skin of my arm.
“Everything,” I whispered hoarsely, blinking rapidly as I looked up at the ceiling. “School. Money. My future. Losing Gran. Losing myself. Losing you.”
His face changed at the last one, but not with pity; it was something deeper.
“Tori,” he murmured, sliding his hand up to cradle the back of my neck. “You’re not losing me.”
“I’m trying to be practical. And realistic.
And smart. But…” I sighed and lowered my gaze to my fingers, which were clenched into fists in my lap.
“Every version of the future I picture without you feels like I’m …
amputating something.” I sucked in a shaky breath and let out a breathy laugh.
“You’re it for me, Kai. You’re … you’re my person. ”
He moved instantly, kneeling fully in front of me on the bathroom floor and grounding me with his massive palms on my thighs.
“You think you can get rid of me?” His eyebrows were drawn together so severely they formed a deep line. “Love … I’m yours in every way I can possibly come up with. There’s no undoing this, no turning back from us because we’re endgame.”
I shattered into a million tiny pieces, finally succumbing to the emotions that had been welling up inside me for months. Then he kissed my thigh slowly and decisively, almost reverently, and all those tiny fragments glued themselves back together again.
Kai rested his forehead against my knee and I slid a trembling hand into his hair.
“I’ve been living my life like everything was temporary,” I admitted in a low voice, my fingers playing with the slightly wavy strands. “Like I always had to choose survival over joy. Responsibility over myself. Like wanting anything too much meant I’d lose it.”
Kai didn’t move or interrupt, as if he was afraid of breaking the spell if he did.
“But last night…” My throat tightened, but not from fear.
From clarity. “Last night I realized I’m tired of just surviving.
I want more. I want my life. And—” I swallowed, heart pounding, “—I want you in it. I-I think … I want to … I just want to be with you. No matter where. If it means giving Australia a try, I will. I’ll — we’ll figure it out.
School, visas, whatever it takes. I’ll do it.
For us … if that’s something you want, too. ”
Kai’s breath whooshed out of him as though I’d knocked the wind from his lungs.
“You sure?” he whispered. “Because I need you to mean it, Tori. Not just for today. Not just until I leave. I need to know you’re choosing me for real.” His hand was shaking as he gripped mine.
“I want you. I choose you,” I affirmed more resolutely.
Kai’s brow furrowed. “What about Janet?”
“Gran … she sees that. She knows what we have isn’t just something fleeting.” I let out a breathy laugh. “To be honest, she’s the one who kicked my ass and made me own up to my feelings. She wants me to go with you, to live my life for me. And that’s what I want … I want forever with you.”
He gazed up at me, his dark eyes impossibly bright, and a gorgeous, breathtaking smile rapidly spread across his face as he rose to his feet.
“You’re really all in?” His voice was tinged with barely restrained urgency.
“Yes. I’m all in.”
“Come here,” he growled softly.
I slid off the stool and into his arms, feeling his warm, solid chest against mine.
His kiss felt more significant than any we’d shared before. It felt like a promise. Like a vow. Maybe even like a beginning.
He pulled back, cupping my face in his hands and staring right into my fucking soul. “I love you.”
My heart did that painful, expanding thing — like it was too big for my ribcage now. “I love you too,” I said softly. “And I’m sorry it took me so long.”
Bang!
There was a loud knock on the bathroom door.
“Victoria?!” Gran shrieked. “Are you alive in there? I heard emotional noises! Did your hair fall out? Did the boy propose? Should I start practicing my aisle walk?!”
I groaned into Kai’s shoulder as he laughed so hard, his whole body shook.
“Gran.” I scrubbed a hand down my face. “We talked about this. Please stop calling me that and just go back downstairs, we’ll be with you soon.”
“I can’t.”
I was almost afraid to ask. Kai was mouthing 'Victoria?!' in my peripheral vision, but I chose to ignore him. He should know best about people not fucking with their given name.
“Why?”
“I need to discuss my funeral.”
“I disagree. We spend entirely too much time discussing your funeral.”
“There are logistics to be considered now, darling!”
“Logistics?” I shared a bewildered look with Kai, who had stuffed his knuckles into his mouth to tamp down his laughter.
“Yes, dear, logistics. If you move to Australia, will I be buried there, or will you sneak my ashes through customs? They’re very particular about soil content, you know. What if this extends to ash content? Are they fine with grandmother dust?”
Kai broke. He rested his forehead on my shoulder and laughed so hard he nearly slid down the wall.
“GRAN!” I yelled. “Go downstairs. I’m begging you!”
“Fine. But I’ll be waiting so we can finish our discussion!” she sang, the sound of her shuffling footsteps growing fainter as she made her way down the hallway.
We looked at each other and burst into real, loud, unrestrained laughter. Every time our gazes met, we cracked up all over again. By the time Kai pulled me in close and buried his face in the crook of my neck, my stomach was hurting and I was wheezing.
“This is what you have to look forward to if we do this. You know that, right?” I half-joked, stroking his arm clamped around my front.
“Couldn’t imagine anything better.” He nipped at my pulse point. “Because I’ve never wanted anything the way I want you.”
And in this messy, ridiculous, perfect moment, I realized something: Gran had been right. I’d been hiding behind fear, behind duty, behind everyone else’s needs.
Well, not anymore. I was choosing something for myself, choosing someone for myself, and he was choosing me right back.
Kai was holding me like he already knew what it meant and wasn’t at all afraid of it. This — us, our future — wasn’t certain. But, for the first time, I wanted it anyway, and that felt like its own kind of freedom.