Chapter 17
Zane looked up, pulse thundering with suppressed emotion as Jillian approached him.
“We better get Casey to bed,” she murmured.
He turned aside and surreptitiously wiped his face on his shoulder. All he needed was for Jillian to catch him being a crybaby. Damn, he hadn’t cried since he was six, when he figured out Stoneheart’s punishments and mocking worsened at any sign of weakness.
Even when Trev died, Zane hadn’t shed tears. During the funeral, he’d kept his face expressionless, his feelings buried … while chewing the inside of his cheek into hamburger.
Tightening his muscles to disguise their trembling, he reluctantly raised the arm encircling Casey, and Jillian scooped up the child.
Letting go of his sleeping son tore his guts out. And soon, he was going to have to let go for good.
Holding Casey close, Jillian rocked him with the natural sway women seemed to instinctively use with children. No one had ever held Zane so safely. So closely. So comfortingly. He’d never known the feeling of being held securely in someone’s arms.
His chest ached with longing for Jillian’s loving embrace.
Terrified by the ambush of unsettling vulnerability, he looked away and stared at the stars with fierce concentration. Reality check.
“Zane, want to help me play Tooth Fairy?”
Every bittersweet moment had become precious. An opportunity to stash away memories to sustain him when he returned to his solitary existence. “What do you want me to do?”
“Carry him to bed for me while I get the money.”
Zane rose from the chaise and she transferred Casey back into his arms. He smelled clean from his recent bath, the innocent, powdery scent of babies and young children. “I can’t believe the way he zonks out.”
“He plays hard and sleeps equally as hard. And he missed his nap today, which contributed to some of the misbehavior at dinner.”
“Aw crap, I forgot his nap, too.”
“Don’t worry about it, you’re doing very well.” She winked at him. “For a rookie.”
He carried the child upstairs and tucked him into bed. Jillian tiptoed into the room and placed a glittering coin on the nightstand. He stared at the shimmery silver. “What’s that?”
She grinned. “Magic fairy money. It’s a dollar coin coated with fine craft glitter. I’ve had it ready for a couple weeks.”
Magic currency. Now he’d seen everything. But he wasn’t surprised. Jillian created magic wherever she went. His son was blessed to have her for a mother.
And although Jillian was Zane’s spouse in name, she could never fully be his wife.
Pain and grief graveled his voice. “When I was a kid, my pals got a quarter.”
She slipped the note from beneath Casey’s pillow, glancing at Zane as they walked out into the hallway. “He gets a dollar for the first tooth, because it’s special. He’ll get a quarter for the rest. Glittery, of course.” She carefully shut the door. “Your pals got quarters? What about you?”
He’d received warnings from Stoneheart about wasting his time on useless fantasies. “My parents weren’t believers.”
The compassion in her eyes made him turn aside. He couldn’t afford to let her soothe his aching soul. He had to stay tough. Manage on his own. Like always.
She touched his shoulder and he couldn’t keep from tensing. She patted him. “You’ve had a really rough day.”
The understatement of the millennium. He’d been trapped on a rollercoaster of emotional hell since he’d seen his son for the first time.
She grabbed his hand. “C’mon. I’ve got just the cure.”
Wearily, he followed her downstairs. “Where are we going?”
“My exercise/dance studio.”
“Oh no. No way are you gonna talk me into doing the hustle.”
She laughed. “You’ll love this, trust me.”
He let her lead him into the cozy darkness of the mirrored room. She instructed him to take off his sneakers and socks and sit cross-legged on the padded mat while she opened the windows. The full moon glowed through the sheer curtains as they billowed hypnotically in the salty summer breeze.
“This is how I unwind.” She lit the row of candles on the console table, then crossed to the opposite wall and lit more candles on a shelf. Dozens of shimmering pinpoints of light reflected in the mirrored walls. She flipped a switch and slow, sensual flutes and drums thrummed in the background.
“Take a nice deep breath, Zane.”
He frowned. “You’re not gonna make me shave my head, sip herbal tea and chant, are you?”
She laughed again, the husky contralto weaving around his heart. “I’m going to teach you how to relax.” She kicked off her sandals and knelt behind him. “Close your eyes and rest your hands on your knees, palms up.”
Well, hell, why not? He could use relaxation lessons. He did as instructed.
“Good. Now, like I said, take a deep, cleansing breath.”
He inhaled and exhaled.
“No, breathe from your diaphragm, not your chest. Take in air so deeply it makes your stomach rise.” She moved closer and reached around him to place her hands on his abdomen. First her pearls, then her breasts pressed against his back, and heat shot straight to his dick.
His eyes popped open. Dammit, if she wanted him to relax, she was going about it all wrong.
“You’re so tense. Your muscles are like steel bands.”
Yeah, and if she moved her hand a few inches lower, she’d discover something even harder.
“Imitate me. Breathe in the white light of tranquility, let it cleanse you, then exhale gray anxiety.” Warm, moist breath feathered across his nape, raising goose bumps all over.
“Uh, I don’t—” His voice emerged low and strangled.
“You are one uptight man. Be quiet and breathe.”
“This isn’t working.”
“Well of course not.” She sounded exasperated. “You’re breathing much too fast and shallow.” Determined hands settled on his shoulders and kneaded his neck. Though her hands were small, they were warm and strong. And very agile. Under her ministrations, his taut muscles began to loosen.
“That’s better. Close your eyes and imagine yourself somewhere peaceful, somewhere perfect.”
Her fingers kneaded his muscles in a sensuous, soothing rhythm. Her breasts rubbed against his shoulder blades, the pearls teased his lower back, and her heady scent filled his nostrils. Behind his closed lids, an enticing vision floated into focus. Jillian, naked beneath him, violet irises flaring with passion as he thrust himself into her again and again. He groaned.
“Good,” she murmured. “Go with it.” Her palms skated down his chest and she began to unbutton his shirt.
His eyelids again shot open, and he grabbed her wrists. “What are you doing?”
“Taking off your shirt so I can massage your back.”
“No.”
“But I can’t do a decent job with—” Her glance snagged on his in the mirror. Hot, erotic current pulsed between them. Her glance dropped to his lap, and she blinked. “Oh! Hello. I didn’t mean to— I honestly wasn’t trying to turn you on, Zane. My attempt to relax you obviously had the opposite effect.” Grimacing, she eased away. “Sorry.”
At the loss of contact, he felt adrift. Alone. Being close to her restored the ragged edges of his soul. Pushed back the cold, fathomless darkness inside. The yearning to fully immerse himself in her light surged through him, leaving him shaken.
Surrendering to the insane longing, he tugged her into his lap. “Relax me?” He stared into her startled eyes, inches from his own. “You know what would relax me, sweetheart? Doing the horizontal hustle with you until neither of us can walk.”
Her pupils dilated. “Well then,” she whispered. Her breathing quickened. “Let’s dance.”
His heart crashed into his ribcage. Was he being selfish? Maybe.
Stupid? Definitely.
But he was so cold. And it had been forever since he’d felt warm.
As he bent to kiss her, reality slapped him upside the head and he jerked back. “ Dammit, ” he whispered.
Disappointment clouded her face. “You’re backing out on me again?”
“No. Not for— Shit. I don’t have any condoms.”
“Me either. But … you’ve had a vasectomy.”
“That only covers one responsibility.”
“Ah. Right. I’m not exactly thinking straight here. Knowing you like I do, I can safely assume you don’t take chances.”
“Never.”
Neither do I. But it’s been a really long time for me, and I’m perfectly healthy.”
He inhaled. Exhaled. “Me too.”
“Zane.” Her soft voice feathered over him like a caress. “Make love to me.”
Her tender acceptance, the sweet expectation in her eyes threatened his hard-won control. No woman had ever looked at him like that in his life.
Like he was the center of her universe.
Ravenous impulses rioted through him. He tensed every muscle against the urge to jump her like a randy teenager. This time, he’d hold back if it killed him. This time, he’d go slow, give her unforgettable pleasure.
But first, he had to make sure she had her head on straight. “This won’t change anything, I still have to leave.” He held her gaze. “Happily ever after isn’t in the cards.”
Small, soft hands tenderly cupped his cheek. To a man who’d lived a lifetime without gentleness, Jillian’s touch was rare and precious. She smiled. “I still want you … and only you.”
She was everything he’d ever needed, ever longed for. The rightness of her touch made him want to linger in her arms forever.
Sorrow ricocheted through him. He wished he could have forever.
But he had here.
Had now.
He lifted her upright so she was straddling his lap facing him, and kissed her, finding paradise in her sweet mouth. She absorbed his pain. Absorbed his guilt. Absorbed his grief. And gave back tenderness.
Yeah, he was pulling the pin on a live grenade. But he didn’t give a damn.
He’d lock the dangerous, painful feelings deep in his heart and let his body take over. For a short, cherished interval, he would allow his actions to show Jillian what he didn’t dare speak aloud.
* * *
The look in Zane’s eyes, a bewildered combination of need and terror, tugged at Jillian’s heart. She wanted to reach inside him and heal his grief. Ease his pain. She slid her arms around his neck, clinging to him.
His beautiful, talented mouth started out wild and hungry. Then he settled into a deliberate, thorough, tantalizing exploration that made the drumbeat of her blood thick and heavy in her veins.
The kiss lengthened. Deepened. Until she was dizzy and awash in desire.
The connection arced from him into her and back. She tasted his passion, his desire, and something more. A deep, elemental link shimmered between them, binding them in lustrous golden strands.
Wanting, needing the ultimate intimacy, she burrowed her hands between them and unbuttoned his shirt. Without breaking the kiss, he shrugged it off, and she ran her palms across his wide chest. Smooth hot skin and sculpted muscles flexed under her touch. He groaned, then his lips left hers to nibble the tender spot beneath her ear.
Her turn to groan as his sensual lips played along her jawline. Quivers rippled up her spine. He laved her earlobe and she shivered, her nipples peaking. His hot tongue swirled inside her ear, and she gasped at the electrifying sensation.
She felt his smile. “Like that, do you?”
Though the ocean breeze wafted in through the window, there didn’t seem to be enough air in the room. “Very much.”
He blew softly, his breath warm and moist in her ear. “Hmm.” His smoky timbre resonated deep inside her, provoking another shiver. “I’ve noticed how sensitive your ears and neck are.”
“You’re excellent at noticing details.”
“Uh huh.” His hands cupped her aching breasts through the top of her sundress. “Like the fact you’re not wearing a bra.”
Drowning in pleasure, she struggled to keep her head above the waves long enough to reply. “How perceptive of you.”
He gently squeezed while agile thumbs teased her nipples through the fabric, and she moaned again, arching her back.
“You’re so responsive,” he murmured in her ear. “Do you know what that does to me, sweetheart?”
“Since I’m sitting in your lap, I have a pretty good idea.” She squirmed, reveling in the big, hard ridge pulsing against her mound. “Mmmm. Another minute of this and I could—”
Strong hands clamped on her hips, immobilizing her. He chuckled, but it sounded strained. “Oh no you don’t.”
She smiled into his expressive eyes, those melted chocolate irises dilated to smoldering black embers. “Well, hurry up then.”
“I told you, we’re not going to rush this time.” He caressed her cheek, his expression tender. “You deserve so much more. I wish—” He broke off, staring into her eyes with an intensity that stole her breath.
Her heart stumbled. He looked at her with such reverence, such tender longing. Like she was a rare and valuable painting he wasn’t worthy to possess.
But Zane could have her. He already did, though he didn’t realize it. “Oh, Zane. I lo—”
His mouth again commanded hers. Had he cut off her declaration on purpose?
The thought evaporated in a flood of sensation. Zane’s hot satin tongue flirted with hers, advancing and retreating until she nearly went wild from craving his sinfully dark taste.
Long nimble fingers wandered down her back, unbuttoning her dress, dipping inside to tease her spine … button by slow, maddening button. He eased her slightly away from him and she watched his features tighten, the pulse in his throat throb rapidly as he slowly raised the dress, drew it over her head and tossed it on the floor.
His gaze drank her in, golden embers in the smoky umber pools brighter than the shimmering candlelight. A callused fingertip traced the dip of the pearls down her chest to her navel. “If I live to be a hundred, I’ll never forget how you look right now. His gaze cruised lower, snagged on the coral thong and his breath hitched. “ Whoa! Miss Jillian, I heartily approve of your taste in lingerie.”
She grinned. “I bought them to wear just for you, Zane.”
“You have my eternal gratitude.”
She trembled as soft lips again explored her jawline on each side, kissing and nibbling from her ears to her collarbone. He dallied along the column of her throat, his lean-muscled chest rubbing her breasts, the crisp hair tantalizing her nipples … leaving her mindless and panting.
Just when she thought he couldn’t build her desire any higher, he arched her over his supporting arm and began to kiss the curves of her breasts. Her nipples contracted painfully tight, the sweet sting begging for his mouth. “Zane,” she whimpered. Her fingers snarled in his silky hair, trying in vain to direct him.
“Nope.” A teasing love bite nipped her breast, followed by a satin tongue licking the sensitized skin … and coiling desire deep in her center. “I’m leading this dance, sweetheart.”
She groaned. “You’re making me crazy!”
He chuckled huskily, guiding her hand to his bulging fly. “You’re not the only one who’s discoing to that number.”
He’d flung her into a tsunami of desire, but even more than the physical compatibility, she loved the mind connection between them. Loved the rapport, the easy, familiar affection.
She gently scraped her fingernails over the impressive, denim-covered bulge under her palm, thrilled at his guttural moan. She wanted to make him as insanely hot as he was making her.
He bent his head, careful teeth scraping first one and then the other nipple. Her body jerked as her feminine muscles clenched at the shocking intensity.
“Yeah, so responsive,” he murmured. Cupping her breast, he laved her nipple, making her writhe. Then finally, finally, his lips closed over her and sucked … lightly at first, then harder, wringing a choked gasp from her.
As he turned his thorough attention to the other nipple, glittering anticipation pooled low and heavy between her thighs. “Oh!” she panted, her hips bucking into him. “That ... feels … amazing!”
He raised his head to smile into her eyes and lifted her off his lap. “Stand up, honey.”
Standing in front of him, her knees wobbled when his fingers hooked in the waistband of her thong. He eased it down, his palms gliding in a tingling caress down her legs. Then she was naked, except for her pearls.
His chest rose and fell on a jagged sigh. “I’ve imagined this a thousand times. But reality is a thousand times better.”
“Thank you.” She gave him a mock pout. “However, I can’t help but notice I’m the only one getting naked here.”
A laugh rumbled from his wide chest. “Is that a complaint I’m hearing?”
“Damned straight.”
Chuckling, he rose to his feet. His hands shook slightly as he unzipped his Levi’s, the betraying gesture telling her he wasn’t nearly as in control as he wanted her to believe.
Smiling, she watched him slowly remove his pants. “Taking your sweet time about it, aren’t you? Are you shy, Champ?”
He laughed again. “Good things come to those who wait.”
Inch by frustrating inch, he peeled down his boxer briefs, tossed them aside, then stood facing her.
His regal features were taut with leashed passion, those high cheekbones flushed, his eyes scorching. Her gaze lingered on his sensual mouth, even more sensual now that she’d experienced his talented lips on her body. She licked her own lips in unconscious longing. He snatched in another breath, drawing her attention to his broad chest. Smooth copper skin gleamed like polished teak, each hard-ridged muscle intriguingly shadowed by the tiny teasing flames reflected in the mirrored walls. He exuded power and masculine grace from every pore of his magnificent body.
Drawn by the intriguing trail of dusky hair, her perusal wandered down his chest, over ridged abs to his navel, then lower. Her mouth went dry. She swallowed. “My, my, Mr. Wolfe, what a big treat you have there.”
A glossy black brow arched and his low laugh was deliciously evil as he bent forward to whisper in her ear, “All the better to make you come, screaming.”
Blazing desire surged straight down the center of her body, and she swayed into him, hot, damp skin sliding against hot, damp skin. His arms swept around her, holding her close. He kissed her, delving deep, and his erection pulsed against her stomach.
She tangled her fingers in his hair, her hips rocking into him.
Zane broke the kiss, stepped back. Then he sank to his knees in front of her. His gaze lifted, worshiping her naked body. “You’re exquisite, Jillian,” he said hoarsely. “And not only on the surface. You’re a beautiful woman in every way.”
She melted to the core. “And you are one incredible man, Zane.”
Warm callused hands spanned her waist, leisurely stroked down the outside of her legs in a slow, devastating path, and then stroked back up the inside. He stopped with long fingers splayed on the inside of her thighs. “I’m going to kiss you the way you kissed me, sweetheart.”
She gulped. “I’ve never allowed … never wanted … But you … it’s …”
Watching her, he blew a soft, teasing breath across her moist curls.
She quivered. Seeking an anchor, her fingers tangled in his hair, and his eyes flared. “You want me to.”
Biting her lip, she nodded.
“Tell me.”
“Yes,” she whispered. “Please. I want your mouth on me, Zane.”
His palms pressed against her thighs, urging her legs to straddle the mat. “Then open for me, baby.”
He leaned forward, his tongue dipped in and curled around her swollen, aching clit. Searing lightning streaked through her, a gasp burst out of her and she jerked, her pelvis arching forward.
He cupped her bottom in his hands and his mouth covered her. He slowly feasted, each hot, blissful sweep and swirl of his silky tongue sending thrilling tremors rippling through every nerve ending she possessed.
As her breathing quickened to short, sharp gasps, light teeth grazed her clit with erotic friction and his bold tongue stroked faster.
Her body was trembling out of control, legs wobbly, knees loose. “I’m … going … to … fall.”
His grip tightened on her bottom, and he paused just long enough to growl against her wet cleft, “Let go. I’ll catch you.”
Then his wicked tongue speared deep inside, plunging her into ecstasy.
Zane’s powerful arms held her securely in place while she shuddered and shook in the avalanche of pleasure. Before the undulating waves had fully subsided, he carefully lowered her to her knees.
Swaying, kneeling upright on the mat, she hazily watched in the mirror as he knelt upright behind her, supporting her with her spine pressed to the hard wall of his chest. “Z-Zane?”
His hands gripped her hips, his thighs sliding between hers spreading her wide, and his blunt heat pressed for entrance. Slowly, inexorably, his thick shaft pushed into her still-pulsing channel, the exquisite burn stretching her beyond fullness.
“ Oh …” She dropped her head back to let it rest on his shoulder. “Oh. My. God. ”
“Okay?” he rasped in her ear.
“Y-yes.”
He stayed still, his hand sliding around to her belly. “Look at us, sweetheart.”
She lifted her head. Their glances collided in the mirror and clung, then as one fell to where his big dark hand splayed across her pale skin. Where darkness and moonlight joined to create intriguing shadows.
“Jillian,” he whispered. “My moonlit pearl goddess.”
Poignant tears pressed behind her eyes as she smiled tremulously at him. She’d been made just for this moment.
Just for this man.
He pulled back, thrust forward, and her pearls swung across her sensitized nipples, the cool, tingly stimulation making her inner muscles clench on the hot, silky steel deep in her body.
Zane’s guttural groan vibrated from his chest into her. “ Damn! ”
His hand cupped her where they were joined, knowing fingertips playing a sinful dance on her clit. Moaning, she undulated against him.
Those talented fingers worked black magic, his mouth licked and nipped the sensitive cord at the side of her neck while their bodies pumped and grasped, and the rolling pearls swung wantonly across her nipples.
More.
And more.
Too much. Too much unbearable pleasure to survive .
But at the same time, not enough.
Zane had changed the rhythm of their dance and all she could do was follow.
The room whirled, pinpoints of light spinning around her in a dizzy arc.
“ Jillian, ” Zane panted. “I need you. So damn much.”
Shimmers brighter, hotter than the candlelight blazed through her, and she cried out, eager to give herself to this man who so desperately needed her.
Rapidly hurtling past all known boundaries, she dug her nails into his forearms. He was the mooring that kept her from being swept away by the storm. “Zane!”
“I’m right here, baby,” he gritted. “Come for me. Hard. ”
He plunged deep, and she willingly tumbled headlong into the maelstrom. Offered him her heart and soul as she’d never given another.
She screamed his name as he spun her to the edge of the universe, into blinding sunbursts.
He drew out her climax, aftershock upon aftershock of ecstasy.
Awareness began to return to her sated system. Zane’s sweat-soaked torso branded her spine. His heartbeat raged against her shoulder blades. His rapid breaths, warm and jagged, fanned over her neck. He was shaking like a man possessed.
“Mine,” he breathed, the agonized whisper so low she barely heard.
Her heart tripped, turned over, and she opened her eyes, sought his face in the mirror.
His regal features were pulled taut in the starry candlelight, his lids tightly closed, his quaking body rigid. His neck was arched, his lower lip clamped between his teeth in a carnal vision of barely restrained control.
“I am yours, Zane,” she whispered raggedly. “All yours.”
He groaned. “Jillian!” His spine bowed and he flung his head back, the cords in his neck taut, sinewed ropes as his body shuddered in the throes of brutal release.
She watched him in awe, his big body quaking, his expression savagely primal as his essence jetted into her. She took everything he gave, fiercely glad she could offer him this.
Finally he relaxed against her. Still shaking violently, he buried his face in the crook of her neck, gasping for breath.
She hadn’t known, hadn’t guessed. Hadn’t even come close to imagining how full, how complete in every way, she’d feel with him inside her.
Tears spilled over and streamed down her face.
Zane stiffened. “ Shit! ”
She looked up again, caught his horrified glance in the mirror.
“I made you cry.”
“Yes, but—”
“ Goddamn me to hell .” He gently withdrew from her, snatched up his clothes, shoved unsteadily to his feet. “I swore I’d never make a woman cry, like he … I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jillian. I won’t ever touch you again.”