Chapter 3
ON AIR AND OFF GUARD
DAVINA
“And we're back with Big Girl Panties, the podcast where we put on our big girl panties and face the dating world, even when it makes us want to burn said panties and become a nun.” I leaned into my microphone, catching Brooke's eye across the studio table.
“I'm Davina Lawson, and with me, as always, is my co-host and best friend, Brooke, soon to be Brooke Strickland.”
“Hey, everyone!” Brooke waved at the camera. “And today we have a very special guest joining us, someone whose content has had me laughing, crying, and screenshotting her posts to send to Davina at three in the morning.”
“It's true,” I confirmed. “I've received no fewer than a hundred and fifty TikToks from this woman in the past month alone.”
“Joining us today is Kelsie Elizabeth, curvy influencer extraordinaire and the queen of calling out dating app red flags.” I gestured toward our guest, who was set up on a chair across from us with her own microphone, looking great in a rust-colored wrap dress.
Kelsie grinned, her signature red lipstick perfectly applied. “Thanks for having me, and honestly, a hundred and fifty TikToks in a month is restrained for me. I respect your boundaries, Brooke.”
“She's lying,” Brooke stage-whispered into her mic. “I send her way more than that.”
“Before we dive in,” I said, pulling up my tablet, “we got an email this week that I think perfectly sets the stage for today's episode.
This one's from Ashley in Ashford.” I cleared my throat.
“Dear Big Girl Panties team, I've been listening to your podcast for about six months now, and I have to say, I initially thought the show wouldn't apply to me. Boy, was I wrong.”
Kelsie nodded. “I love where this is going already.”
“She continues: The dating world is brutal for everyone.
I'm a size six, and I've been ghosted, stood up, negged, and told I was too intimidating more times than I can count.
My best friend, who is a size twenty, and I compare notes, and honestly?
The audacity of men is a universal experience.
Thank you for creating a space where we can all commiserate together.
Also, please tell Brooke that Matt is the exception, not the rule, and the rest of us are suffering out here. '“
Brooke’s smile widened. “Thanks, Ashley. I know how lucky I am.”
“The bar is literally on the floor,” Kelsie added, “and men are still bringing shovels.”
I snorted. “Speaking of which, let me tell you about my most recent dating adventure.” I leaned back in my chair. “So, last Saturday, I got stood up. Again.”
“No!” Kelsie said.
“By a guy named Landon,” Brooke added. “Landon from Lovable.”
“Landon from Lovable,” I repeated. “I sat at that restaurant for over thirty minutes. The waiter offered me pity wine.”
“On the house?” Kelsie asked.
“On the house.”
“That's how you know it's bad.” She shook her head. “When the waitstaff starts comping your drinks out of secondhand embarrassment.”
“But wait,” I said, dropping my face into my palms. “That's not even the worst part of the night.” I groaned, lifting my head. “So there I am, making my walk of shame toward the exit, when I literally crash into the most arrogantly annoying man on the planet.”
Kelsie leaned forward. “Who?”
“Dallas Dodger.”
Kelsie blinked. “Wait. Dallas Dodger? The professional wrestler?”
“That’s the one.” I could feel my blood pressure rising just thinking about it. “He's Matt's best friend, which means I'm stuck seeing him all the freaking time.”
Kelsie’s brows furrowed. “Okay, what's the deal with you and Dallas?”
“There is no deal,” I said, shrugging. “There is the opposite of a deal.”
“She hates him,” Brooke translated.
“Hate is a strong word.” I paused. “But yes. That would be accurate.”
“Why?” Kelsie asked.
“The man is the walking embodiment of every red flag we've ever discussed on this podcast. He's arrogant and cocky. He cannot remember my name to save his life, and he has this policy where he doesn't date women over the age of twenty-three.”
Kelsie stared at me with wide eyes. “You're joking.”
“I wish.” I shook my head. “He treats the dating pool like a carton of milk. Gotta check that expiration date.”
“In his defense...” Brooke started.
“There is no defense.” I cut her off. “He showed up to your engagement party and asked if the model he ghosted for turning twenty-four was there.” I wasn't going to bring up the bet he made with Matt, since that wasn't exactly public knowledge and it wasn’t my story to tell.
“Okay, yeah, that was bad,” Brooke admitted.
“And then, last Saturday, when I'm trying to get out of the restaurant with whatever dignity I have left, he plants himself in my way and starts making comments about my nonexistent date. Who does that?”
“What did he say?” Kelsie asked, shifting in her seat like she was completely invested in the story now.
“He asked if I had a hot date. When I said yes, he pointed out that he'd been watching me sit alone for half an hour.”
“He was watching you?” Kelsie glanced at Brooke.
“Not in a flattering way. In an I'm going to use this against you way. And then he said...” I dropped my voice a little. “'You have no idea what happens in my dreams.'“
Silence.
Then Kelsie burst out laughing. “I'm sorry, what?”
“You heard me.”
“He said that? To you?” Kelsie asked. “What does that even mean?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, but he definitely said it.” I crossed my arms. “Like he's some kind of romantic hero instead of a man-bunned menace who probably practices that line in the mirror.”
Kelsie and Brooke exchanged a look.
“What?” My brows furrowed.
Kelsie held up her hands. “Nothing. It's just... that's a pretty bold thing to say to someone you supposedly can't stand.”
“It's psychological warfare. He's trying to throw me off.”
“Is it working?” she asked.
“Absolutely not.”
“Uh-huh.”
“I am completely fine. I am the finest person in this room.”
“Davina,” Brooke said, in that tone she used when she's about to say something I wouldn’t like. “Can I make an observation?”
“No.” I gave her another look that she continued to ignore.
“For someone who hates Dallas so much, you spend a lot of time talking about him.”
I stared at her, my lip curling into a snarl. “I'm sorry?”
“I'm just saying.” She shrugged. “You've been talking about him for ten minutes. You remember exactly what he said. Exactly what he was wearing. How he smelled...”
“I did not mention how he smelled!”
“You told me on the phone that night.”
My face went warm. “That wasn’t a complaint. I was complaining about him invading my personal space.”
Kelsie nodded slowly. “You know what this reminds me of?”
“Don't,” I said.
“It's giving enemies-to-lovers vibes.”
“It is not...”
“It's giving, I hate you so much I can't stop thinking about you.”
“That is not...”
“It's giving the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife.”
“There is no tension,” I practically growled. I took a breath. “Dallas Dodger is arrogant and self-absorbed and thinks the world revolves around him. The only tension between us is me trying not to say something I'll regret.”
“That's a lot of energy for someone you hate,” Kelsie said.
She didn't know the full story. She didn't know that the whole reason Brooke and Matt met in the first place was because of some stupid bet Dallas made, thinking it'd be funny to send his friend after the fat girl.
My jaw tightened just thinking about it.
Not that it ended up mattering, because Matt fell for Brooke, which said everything about the difference between them.
I looked at Brooke for backup. “Can you please tell her she's misreading the situation?”
Brooke held up her hands. “I'm staying out of this one, and I'm letting it play out. For the content.” She gestured at the recording equipment. “Our listeners love this stuff.”
I sighed. “I cannot believe I'm being psychoanalyzed on my own podcast.”
“To be fair,” Kelsie said, “you brought up Dallas yourself. We were talking about Landon.”
“Landon is boring, and he ghosted me. There's nothing to say about Landon.”
“But Dallas,” Kelsie said, “is clearly very interesting to you.”
“Dallas is a headache.”
“A headache you can describe in great detail,” Brooke added.
I opened my mouth. Closed it.
“The defense rests,” Kelsie said.
“And hey, at least you're not thinking about Landon anymore.”
She had a point.
“Fine,” I said. “Can we please talk about literally anything else? Kelsie, tell us about your worst dating app experience. Please.”
Kelsie laughed. “Okay, okay. So, picture this: I matched with a guy who said he was into curvy women in his bio...”
As she talked, I tried to focus, but I kept coming back to that moment at the restaurant. Dallas in my way, hands on my shoulders to steady me when we collided.
It meant nothing. He meant nothing. I did not need Dallas Dodger living rent-free in my head.
“Okay, before we wrap up,” Brooke said, checking the clock, “I have some exciting news.”
“Go ahead, future Mrs. Strickland,” I said. “Brag away.”
Brooke smiled. “As most of you know, Matt and I are getting married in a few days. We're flying to Vegas, and I could not be more excited.”
“She's been sending me Pinterest boards for six months,” I told Kelsie. “I have seen more floral arrangements than any person should.”
“They're calla lilies, Davina. Calla lilies matter.”
“They're flowers. They're all flowers.”
Kelsie laughed. “This is the maid of honor content I love.”
“Oh, speaking of the wedding,” Brooke said. “I should remind you that Dallas is Matt's best man.”
I let my head fall back on a groan.
“Which means you two will be spending a lot of time together. Walking down the aisle. Sitting at the head table. Dancing at the reception...”
“I'm sorry, dancing?”
“It's tradition. The best man and maid of honor dance together.”
“That’s definitely not a thing.”
Kelsie was laughing now. “Please tell me there's a videographer.”
“There will be,” Brooke confirmed.
“I want a copy.”
Brooke leaned into her mic. “So, Davina. Do you think you can handle a whole weekend with Dallas?”
I thought about it. “I've survived three-hour board meetings with investors who wanted to explain my own company to me. I can handle Dallas Dodger.”
“That's the spirit,” Brooke said.
Kelsie wiped her eyes. “I'm genuinely sad I won't be there.”
Brooke shifted into her wrap-up voice. “Alright everyone, that's all the time we have today. Thank you so much to Kelsie Elizabeth for joining us...”
“Thanks for having me. This was so fun.”
“Follow her on all the socials,” I added. “Links in the show notes. Her stories make mine look mild.”
“High praise,” Kelsie said.
“And thank you to our listeners,” I continued. “The dating world might be rough, but you're not alone in it. We're all out here, one terrible Lovable date at a time.”
“Put on your big girl panties,” Brooke said, “and face the world with your head up. Even when that world includes men named Landon who ghost you and wrestlers who can't remember your name.”
“We're taking next week off for the wedding,” I added, “but I'll be back after with a full recap. Brooke will be in Italy on her honeymoon, so it'll just be me.”
“Until then, stay away from men with expiration date policies.”
“Words to live by,” Kelsie agreed.
“Bye, everyone!” we said, and I reached over and stopped the recording.
The light blinked off. I slumped in my chair.
“Four days,” I said. “Four days of Dallas Dodger.”
Brooke patted my hand. “Think of it as material for the podcast.”
“I'm going to need so much wine.”
“The resort has an open bar.”
“Then I might survive.”
Kelsie grabbed her bag, still smiling. “For what it's worth, I think this wedding is going to be way more interesting than you're expecting.”
I looked at her. “What's that supposed to mean?”
She just waved and walked out.
I sat there for a second, some uneasy feeling I couldn't quite name settling in my chest.
Four days. Dallas Dodger. An open bar.
What could possibly go wrong?