8. Juniper
Juniper
By the time the market was done, Juniper’s whole body ached.
Taking only the bag with that day’s earnings, she walked along the sea cliffs until she reached the shade of the ironwood forest. There, she sat down on the soft carpet of fallen pine needles and rested her back against the trunk of a tree.
The eastern edge of the island was only a few yards away, close enough that she could feel the shock of each crashing wave and the gentle caress of the saltwater mist on her cheeks.
Deep in her belly, the baby did a somersault in an ocean all his own.
Juniper had never seen his face, but she loved him more deeply than anyone she had ever known. She had never doubted whether or not she wanted to keep her baby. Even now, without ever setting eyes on him, his life was as precious to her as her own.
Her own capacity to provide for another human being, on the other hand, her ability to prepare him for the world… that was something that she questioned every single day.
She tried comforting herself with the knowledge that she didn’t have to know how to parent a teenager or a kindergartener. Not yet. She only had to figure out how to care for a newborn, which billions of women before her had managed.
The other more complicated stages that came later, she had time to study for.
Already, she was inhaling parenting books the same way she had once devoured books on herbalism. But no matter how much information she absorbed, she couldn’t quite vanquish the seed of doubt that had taken root in the depths of her mind.
Was she strong enough? Her heart, her spirit… Would she be a good mother?
Or was she just deluding herself?
“Packed and ready to go!” Cody announced. He strode along the black rock of the sea cliffs, dark golden hair glowing in the afternoon sunlight.
“Sit with me for a while?” she asked, holding out a hand.
He paused and glanced at his watch.
“Please?”
“Sure.” He lowered himself onto the forest floor, close enough that they sat shoulder to shoulder. “I can still make it to work on time if we leave in about ten minutes.”
Juniper nodded, keeping her eyes on the ocean.
Rolling waves glinted silver-gold against the dark blue water.
It grieved her, how little time they spent together anymore, but it wasn’t like he was off drinking or playing video games.
He was carrying a full course load at the University of Hawaii while working multiple jobs, including helping Jun run her business without accepting any of the profit.
He was doing more than anyone else would under the circumstances; she knew that.
She just… missed him.
With a heavy sigh, Juniper tried to let her thoughts go and enjoy the little bit of time that they did have.
As he often did when she had the temerity to sit still for a few minutes, the baby started to kick. Quickly, Jun snatched up Cody’s hand and put it to her belly. Their baby moved again, rolling beneath his father’s hand.
“Feel that?” she asked.
He was silent, and she looked up at his face. He stared awestruck at the flower-printed cotton that covered her bulging belly.
The baby kicked again, right against Cody’s palm.
“There’s a whole person in there,” he breathed.
Juniper beamed, gratified by his reaction.
“We made a person.”
“He’s making himself,” she reasoned. “We just got him started.”
Cody looked up, meeting her eye. “Are we having a boy?”
Juniper shrugged. “I don’t know.”
She had submitted to an ultrasound at Emma’s insistence and hated every minute of it. Bouncing soundwaves off of her unborn baby had felt wrong, somehow.
The sterile environment of hospitals and clinics reminded her of the times her mother had overdosed and of the rehab centers that she’d cycled through after. She loathed them, all of them, on a cellular level.
The thought of returning to a hospital to give birth made her shudder, and she was scraping together every dollar she could save in hope of being able to afford a homebirth midwife.
Fern had introduced her to a fantastic one, a kindly older woman who attended her yoga classes.
Juniper had adored her immediately… but she didn’t come cheap.
“I didn’t let them tell me,” she said, “at the ultrasound. I just have a feeling it’s a boy.”
“A baby,” he breathed, looking down at her belly again. “It feels surreal.”
“A woman becomes a mother when she gets pregnant,” she said, quoting some parenting book or other. Her tower of library books had grown so high that she could hardly keep track anymore. “A man becomes a father when he holds his baby for the first time. That’s what they say, at least.”
He hummed thoughtfully and kissed the top of her head. “Well, this father has to get going, or he’ll be late for work.”
“Okay,” she conceded with a sigh.
“Are you alright?”
“I love it here, that’s all.” She looked up at the thick curtain of pine boughs that grew overhead, then out at the ocean. “Where else can you be in the middle of a forest and still feel the crashing waves? It’s the most magical place in the world.”
“We’ll come back when we have more time,” he promised.
She forced a smile and nodded. “Okay.”
He stood first, then took her hands in his and hauled her to her feet.
“I have to be careful where I sit down,” she said with a laugh. “I’m not sure I could have gotten up without your help. I’m like a beached whale.”
Cody gave her a frank, appraising look, his gaze intense. “You’re beautiful.”
Juniper’s cheeks warmed, and she smiled as she turned away.
They walked hand in hand back across the cliffs, and then he drove her home. He unloaded the van before he left, and she washed all of her market supplies before going inside. By the time she was done, her feet and shoulders ached right down to her bones.
Emma was in the kitchen, assembling some sort of chopped salad in a giant plastic bowl.
“There you are!” she said brightly. “We leave for the potluck in about ten minutes.”
“I forgot that was today.” A fierce and sudden exhaustion overtook her, and she rubbed her eyes. Emma turned to face her.
“Do you still want to come?”
She shook her head. “No. Sorry. I’m beat.”
Emma looked at her with concern. “Are you feeling alright?”
Jun summoned up a wan smile. “I’m fine. Just tired.”
The concern on her face didn’t shift. “Can I get you anything?”
“No, thank you. I just need to lay down for a while.”
“Have you eaten?”
“Yep, I had huli huli chicken at the market. Veggies and rice too. I’m good.”
“Okay. Go get some rest.”
Juniper nodded and started up the stairs.
It was a serious workout just hauling her belly up to her room, and her muscles ached with exhaustion.
She didn’t know how much longer she could keep going like this…
but if she wanted to be able to afford the midwife who made her feel safe, she couldn’t afford not to.
She made it up the stairs and staggered to her bed, where she pressed her back to the wall so that her whole belly would fit on the narrow mattress. Seconds later, she was asleep.