4. Fern
4
Fern
“ T heo!” Fern bent and grabbed his hat off the ground for the tenth time. “You have to keep this on!”
Up above her in the hiking pack that Ethan wore, Theodore giggled.
“You’re going to get a sunburn,” she scolded him, pulling the hat back onto his head.
He just grinned and grabbed the brim of his hat with one chubby little hand.
“No,” she warned, holding up one finger.
He cackled and tossed the hat to the ground.
Fern bit back a smile. How was she supposed to be stern with a laughing baby?
His face was painted with thick white nontoxic sunscreen, but the red-gold fluff on his head didn’t do much to protect his scalp from the harsh Hawaiian sun.
He had gotten his first sunburn the week before, which had turned his skin pink and made him cry all night and into the next day until he finally fell into an exhausted sleep. The memory made Fern’s stomach twist with guilt.
“Let’s cut back to the forest trail for some shade,” Ethan suggested.
“There’s a shortcut up ahead, I think.”
They walked along the cliffs of black volcanic rock that undulated beneath their feet, waves of frozen lava standing above the endless waves of saltwater that crashed and receded below. When one particularly big wave sent a cooling mist of salt spray across the cliffs to speckle their faces, Theo waved his hands in the air and laughed.
Fern jogged ahead, leaping from rock to rock and scanning the trees for the path that she had found on a solo hike months before, when the noonday sun beating down on the black rock had driven her back into the shade of the jungle.
“Here it is!” she called back when she finally found the narrow path. It was just a few meters from the cliffs to the main trail, but the jungle was too thick to get through in most places.
“I take back everything I said about the coastal route being shorter,” Ethan said. He climbed up a rise and paused to catch his breath. “The sun adds five miles.”
Fern grinned at him and reached up to secure Theo’s mosquito netting. The structured pack formed a sort of tent above him that was insufficient protection from the sun but adequate support for a bug screen that protected him from getting bit.
“Just another day in paradise,” she teased as she reapplied her homemade bug spray to her arms and legs.
“Give me some of that, would you?” Ethan asked. She sprayed the backs of his legs while he stood straight, encumbered by the heavy pack and ever-growing baby.
Adequately protected, they dove back into the cool shade where the buzzing insects thrived.
“Can you even imagine what it must have been like here before ships brought mosquitoes?” Fern asked as she swatted a buzzing pest away from her ear. “Heaven.”
“My idea of heaven is… drier,” Ethan muttered as he squelched through a mud puddle.
Fern’s mouth pulled into a troubled frown as she turned to look at him, walking backwards up the trail.
“Don’t trip,” he scolded. She ignored the warning.
“Do you like it here?”
“Here in Hawai’i?”
She nodded. “Do you really want to be here?”
His brow furrowed slightly. “I’m here, aren’t I?”
“That’s not much of an answer.” The path widened and she faced forward again, falling back to walk beside him.
“I miss the redwoods,” he admitted. “I was looking forward to raising my son in my hometown, close to his grandparents and his cousins.”
“He has a cousin here.”
“One,” he acknowledged, nodding. “And two there. Wherever we live, the family’s split up.”
“Will you move when Juniper does?” Fern asked. She knew that he had only moved to the island to be closer to his teenage daughter, and she wouldn’t fault him for moving back to California if she decided to head home… but on a deeper level, she dreaded it. Any time he talked about Redwood Grove or complained about some small hassle of life in Hawai’i, her fears and insecurities wormed their way down a bit deeper.
She loved Theo beyond all reason, and she was swiftly falling in love with Ethan too… but it felt as though her fears of him leaving were holding her back from truly giving him her heart.
Which was fine, she told herself. No sense in falling head over heels for a man she was still getting to know… except that it seemed she had already.
They spent hours together every day. Falling in love with a neighbor who was always there was a whole lot different than dating someone who could only get together once a week. Their relationship was speeding forward like a bullet train, and she had never experienced anything like it. As much as she might try to convince herself otherwise, her heart was all in already.
Maybe her real fear was that he didn’t feel the same way.
“Juniper’s happy here,” he said after a while. “I don’t think that she’ll leave anytime soon.”
“But?” Fern prompted, hearing the hesitation in his voice.
“But I don’t know if I want to keep Theodore here forever. Not once he’s school aged. And my parents aren’t getting any younger. They’re strong and independent now, but they won’t always be. I don’t want to be an ocean away when they need me.”
“I respect that,” she said, though the fear in her gut twisted a bit deeper.
There was true vulnerability in his eyes when they met hers… and something that looked a whole lot like fear. For some reason, it surprised her to see her uncertainty mirrored in his eyes. She was shocked to realize that he was unsure of what she wanted, rather than unsure of whether or not he wanted her around – but in that moment, she saw it so clearly that she stumbled to a stop.
“Would you ever consider moving to California?” he asked.
For a moment, all she could do was grin.
“I know that you’re building a business here,” he said uncertainly, “putting down roots. But if you wanted to open a yoga studio in the redwoods, your classes would be overflowing in no time.”
“I like the redwoods,” she said, suddenly feeling shy.
“Yeah?” He reached out and took her hand.
“Yeah.”
Ethan sighed with relief. “Good.”
“Good?”
“I’m not planning to move back anytime soon. Just the opposite – I’ve started studying to get my contractor’s license here in Hawai’i. I don’t have one foot out the door. I’m just… glad that California’s an option for you.”
They had been standing still long enough that the mosquitoes started to swarm, so she pulled his hand to get them walking again.
“No mosquitoes in the redwoods,” he said.
“You don’t have to convince me,” she replied, half laughing. “I love it there.”
“But you chose Hawai’i.”
“I thought that if there was anywhere I could be content to stay in one place, it would be an island that’s constantly changing.”
“You’re a rolling stone, huh?”
“Didn’t you know that already?”
“I knew that you had moved around a lot,” he said, his tone suddenly serious again. “I thought that you were tired of that. Ready to put down roots.”
“Not tired of it, exactly.” She thought for a moment, trying to find the words for something that she had never said out loud. “It was more that I got to the point where staying in one place – building my own business, creating real community – felt like more of a change – and more of a challenge – than any new place would.”
“And? How do you like it?”
“I like it alright, but it hasn’t been very long. If the island kicks you out, I doubt you’ll have to work too hard to convince me to try someplace new.”
“If the island kicks me out, huh? Don’t you mean, if I run screaming from the mosquitoes?”
“People say you get used to them. After a while, your body stops reacting to the bites.”
Ethan snorted. “I’ll believe that when it happens.”
“Tired of life in paradise already?”
“Hawai’i was never my idea of paradise…” He trailed off and brought her hand up to his mouth, brushing a kiss across her knuckles. “But I like it here.”
“Good,” she said. “I like it here too.”
Theo was fussing by the time they made it back to the parking lot. A fresh diaper cheered him up… until Ethan tried to put him into his car seat. Then he arched his back and wailed .
“Come on,” Ethan coaxed. “It’s a five-minute drive.”
Theo screamed louder.
“It’s tough going straight from the backpack to the car seat,” Fern sympathized. “Anyway, it’s boiling in there.”
Ethan sighed and pulled Theo back out of the cab of his truck. As soon as the baby was out in the fresh air, he was all smiles again. He babbled happily as his dad opened all four doors, letting the space air out, and then they joined Fern in the shade.
“You just needed a minute, huh?” She held her hands out to Theo, and he launched himself into her arms.
She laughed as she caught him, marveling at how much he had grown in the short time that she’d known him.
“You’re getting so heavy!” She dipped dramatically, giving him the feeling of falling while keeping her arms safely around his body, and he burst into peals of laughter.
Ethan smiled at them and then looked away, scanning the parking lot in search of something. He walked off, leaving them to play in the shade at the edge of the jungle.
Fern crouched down and set Theo on a clear patch of dirt, holding his hands to help him balance. He had started pulling himself up to standing the week before, and it made him so happy.
“Look at you,” Fern cooed energetically as Theo bent and straightened his legs, bouncing himself up and down. “You’re standing!”
Theo beamed. His gummy smile was studded with six pearl-like teeth, and there was a dimple in one of his cheeks.
Fern had always known that she could love any baby like they were her own. She had felt sure of it when she tried to coax her ex into considering adoption. Even so, the love that she felt for Theo took her breath away. He wasn’t even hers – he had just appeared at her house one day as if by magic – but she loved him as if he was.
Ethan came striding back across the parking lot with two huge green coconuts, one in each hand. They were open at the top, and each one had a straw sticking out.
“The coconut guy was just getting set up for the day,” he said, handing one down to Fern. She sat down and pulled Theo into her lap.
“Thank you! I didn’t realize how thirsty I was.” She took a long pull from the straw, relishing the thirst-quenching power of the fresh coconut water. There was a sharp taste to it that could never be boxed or bottled. “Yum. That’s my favorite drink on Earth.”
“Noted,” Ethan said seriously. He had gulped his down so quickly that he was already dragging up the last drops with a noisy rasp of his straw.
Fern took a few more gulps, then paused when Theo tried to grab her straw.
“You want some?” she asked.
“Mamama,” he babbled, drumming on the coconut.
“Here.” She put her fingertip over the top of the straw, lifted it up, and dribbled some into Theo’s mouth.
“Mamama!” he demanded.
“More?”
“Ma!” he repeated earnestly, hazel-gold eyes wide.
“Do you want to try drinking from the straw?” She put it back into the coconut and held the top of the straw still so that he could drink from it. After a couple of false starts, he figured it out.
“Is that good?” she asked when he paused for breath.
“Guh!” he said, and drank more.
“I think he’s got a few words already,” she said, smiling at Ethan.
“He’s getting there,” Ethan said. There was a shadow of grief behind his smile that made her heart ache; he must be thinking of all the milestones that Theo’s mother would never see.
Fern wasn’t sure how best to love someone through their grief, especially a loss as fresh and life-altering as the one that Ethan had endured just a few months prior. She didn’t know how to balance his need for space with her desire to support him, or how to honor her own needs within a partnership without putting too much pressure on him.
She only knew that she wanted to try.
It would take a lot of patience; she knew that much. But she was in no rush.
They were on island time, after all.
Finally, once the seats were cooler and Theo had been given enough time to stretch and move, they got him back into the truck and drove the short distance home. He was sound asleep in the five minutes it took to drive to their street.
“Your only class today is at six, right?” Ethan asked as he parked in front of the house.
“That’s right.”
“I can finish your bookcase today, if you want to hang out with Theo upstairs.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“And I can make dinner while you teach, if you’d like to eat with us.”
“Lasagna again?” she teased. It was just about the only thing he knew how to cook.
“A curry tonight, actually.”
“Trying something new?”
“I’ll have you know that I’m an old pro when it comes to curry.”
“Are you really? I never would have guessed.”
“There’s a lot you still don’t know about me.” His voice held a promise, and he leaned in for a kiss. Then his phone rang, and he leaned back with a sigh. “Sorry, it’s Jun. She’s been dodging my calls for days – I haven’t even seen her since the camping trip.”
“Pick up,” she said quickly.
“Hey Junebug,” he answered in a sunny voice. His smile faded to a frown as he listened.
Fern couldn’t hear what Jun was saying – just the low murmur of her voice on the other end of the line.
“Sure,” he said after a moment. “I’ll be there in a few.”
He disconnected the call and put the phone back in his pocket.
“Is everything okay?” Fern asked.
“I don’t know.” He looked worried. “She didn’t say much, just asked if I could come by today. But there was something in her voice… she didn’t sound like herself.”
“Go ahead,” she encouraged him. “I’ll get Theo out of his seat, and you can go check on Jun.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course.” She opened the door to get out, but he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.
“Thank you.” He leaned in for a kiss – a real one, the kind that had her forgetting where she was and anything that existed beyond the two of them. Then he pulled away, and reality rushed back in. She gave him a dazed smile and slipped down from the truck.
She managed to lift Theo out of his carseat without waking him, and she stood with him cradled in her arms as Ethan drove away. Small worries niggled at her mind, but the weight of Theo sleeping in her arms filled her heart with peace.
Peace wasn’t a sensation she knew well. It was something she had chased through the years, through endless yoga classes and silent meditation retreats, something that she had fought for and grappled with.
But with Theo in her arms, tranquility felt effortless.
She looked down into his peaceful little face and smiled.
“Maybe you’re the one I was looking for all along.”