17. Fern
17
Fern
F ern went through the next couple of days in a haze of misery.
Ethan’s footsteps overhead were a constant reminder of their last interaction, and she couldn’t bear to be inside. She left the house first thing in the morning and only came back to teach classes — but at night, she could hear poor Theo wailing overhead. He must have another tooth coming in.
Being so close to Theodore without holding him or even seeing his dear little face was pure torture. It was like missing a lung; she couldn’t seem to get a full breath in.
What was worse, she missed Ethan.
She didn’t want to miss him. She should dismiss him entirely after the way he had spoken to her.
Except that she didn’t believe in cutting people out of her life so easily. He was human, and he was hurting. His ups and downs were understandable, given all that he was grieving and all that he carried. She just wished that he would let her in.
She would carry all of it with him if he’d let her.
It was around that point, going round and round in her own head in the middle of the night while Theo’s cries and Ethan’s pacing sounded overhead, when Fern realized that she was well and truly doomed.
She was in love with him.
It wasn’t just a passing inclination or an attachment centered on Theo. She loved Ethan, whether she wanted to or not… whether he was willing to let her be a part of his life or not.
There was something between them that she had never found anywhere else. It was fragile, but it was real, and it was true. She wasn’t willing to let it go, but she was too proud to beg.
The uncertainty of it all made her sick to her stomach.
When she thought of Ethan and Theo moving back to California, of the possibility that she might never see them again, she felt a physical pain in her chest. It went beyond any separation or any breakup she had ever experienced… and she had been through plenty of goodbyes. Too many, really, in her four decades. She had thought that she was used to them, had even wondered if she was capable of an attachment deep enough that separation would cause her true grief… and now this. Mourning two people who were only a few yards away.
She hadn’t even known that it was possible to fall in love so quickly, and she felt like a fool for falling for Ethan when the timing was so terrible.
The man was emotionally unavailable. He was grieving.
And yet, even as he struggled beneath a mountain of grief and guilt, his heart was in the right place. He cared so deeply about both of his children. And even when he was barely treading water, he was capable. He had completely renovated the upstairs apartment all while raising Theo on his own and running a business in California.
The thought of what he could be once he healed from his grief took her breath away.
Her rational mind knew that entering into a relationship expecting a man to change was one of the stupidest things a person could do… and yet her heart refused to let him go.
In short, she was a mess.
Fern rose early the next morning — she had been awake since three, so rising before the sun was no difficulty — and got herself ready to disappear again.
She had time for a good long hike before her first class — or better yet, a run. If she fully exhausted herself during the day, she might have a shot at sleeping through the night. Quickly, she pulled on leggings and a sports bra. Then she went outside to get her running shoes.
Ethan was there already, pacing back and forth beneath the roof.
A fine mist fell just beyond the sheltered area where she taught her yoga classes, and Theo slept on Ethan’s shoulder. It was a fitful sleep, with a furrowed brow and little gasps that came from crying all night. Even in his sleep, his new tooth was hurting him.
“Poor little man,” she murmured.
Ethan turned and held out his other hand, offering her a bunch of flowers. They looked a bit worse for wear, and she wondered how long he had been pacing outside her door. She stared at him in surprise for a moment before accepting the flowers and setting them down just inside. Then she stepped back out her front door and waited for him to speak.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…” He trailed off and looked away, his brow pulled together like he was searching desperately for the right words. “You surprised me, and I was in a bad way. I didn’t mean to take it out on you, and I’m sorry.”
She was quiet for a moment, chewing her lip. Then she said, “I can’t do this if you have one foot out the door.”
“I don’t.”
“You told me you were going back to the mainland.”
“I didn’t mean it. Well, maybe I did. In the moment. But I didn’t really. The work stuff… it was just a misunderstanding. A hiccup. I got it sorted.”
“That’s not good enough,” she said, forcing the words past the ache in her chest. “You can’t keep flip flopping.”
“I’m not flip flopping,” he said desperately. “Or… I don’t mean to. I was just… spiraling.”
She crossed her arms, fighting the urge to put them around Ethan and Theo both.
“If you don’t want to be involved with me, I’ll understand.”
“I do want to be with you,” she admitted. “That’s what makes it so hard.”
“Right.” He blinked rapidly and nodded. “I’m sorry I pulled out into this. If you think it’s best for us to… I won’t keep you from Theo. You can see him as much – or as little – as you want. If you want me to move out–”
“That’s not what I want,” she interrupted. Tears sprang to her eyes, surprising her. But the thought of losing them tore a hole in her chest. “I want you here.”
He met her eyes with a look of utter vulnerability. “Why?”
She just sighed, too tired to find the words. Too tired to convince a grown man of his worth. In spite of that, a smile pulled at her lips.
“Stick around and find out,” she said.
He took a ragged breath. “I’m driving everyone away.”
“Not me,” she said softly, and then her head overtook her heart again. “But you might if things don’t change.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“I think that you need help.”
“What sort of help?” he asked cautiously.
“Maybe you should find a psychotherapist.”
“You think I’m psycho?” he joked weakly.
She let out a single huff of a laugh. “No.”
“I don’t think that talking to a stranger will help.”
“You’re grieving, Ethan. And I want to support you, but I can’t be your therapist. There’s work that you have to do, and the right person can help you.”
“A therapist,” he said thoughtfully.
“I went to therapy for a long time after losing my babies. I’m not sure I could have gotten through that period of my life without help.”
He nodded slowly. “Okay.”
“Okay?” she repeated, not quite believing him.
“I’ll find someone. I need to do better. The people I care about deserve better. And if the right therapist can help me… I’m willing to try.”
She nodded and fully took in his appearance for the first time. There were dark circles under his eyes and several days’ worth of stubble on his chin. He looked exhausted.
“Did you sleep at all last night?” she asked.
Ethan shook his head.
“Leave Theo with me.” She stepped forward and held out her arms. “You go get some sleep.”
“Are you sure?”
She gave him a hard look, and he handed Theo over. The baby arched and grumbled, then settled into her. One of his chubby hands found the pendant at her neck and gripped it tight, and something in her soul settled.
“Go sleep,” she said. “We’ll be here when you wake up.”