30. Juniper
30
Juniper
T he night of Fern’s party, Juniper went to bed at eight o’clock and slept like a rock. Even so, she felt tired when her alarm went off the next morning at five-thirty.
First trimester exhaustion was like nothing she had ever experienced, and it scared her.
If she could hardly cope now, how much more tired would she be when her belly was big and round? How would she get up for work after a newborn kept her up all night long?
I’m as capable as anybody else , she reminded herself again and again.
If other women survived it, she could too.
Except that her mother hadn’t.
Juniper shoved her dark thoughts away and dragged herself out of bed, swimming against the exhaustion that threatened to drown her. She went down the stairs in the dark, comfortable enough in the funny old house that she didn’t need light to manage it anymore.
Once she’d forced herself to eat some breakfast and had a couple of cups of tea with honey, she felt a bit more like herself. She could manage, if she could just stay fed and hydrated and get enough rest. She was as strong as anybody.
Sometimes she felt like a little steam engine powering her way up the mountain.
I think I can, I think I can.
She could still hear her mom’s voice.
I think I can, I think I can.
They must have read that book together a hundred times when she was little.
It hadn’t been all bad, with her mom and her. There were so many good memories. Sunshine days in the redwoods, painting together, books and beach days and other lovely things.
But then the first overdose. The second, the third. Hospitals that reeked of disinfectant and rehab centers with an aching atmosphere of pain. The bad memories were like a creeping decay that infected the earlier, happier times.
Juniper flicked on the kitchen light, letting the glare of it drive away the dark thoughts.
She put all of her giant glass jars on the kitchen table and filled them one by one, straining out the teas that she had made the day before. They were dark as dye, concentrated shades of red and navy and royal purple that lightened as she added fresh water from the catchment tank outside, rainwater that had been caught by the roof and filtered on its way into the house. Red hibiscus, blue butterfly pea, golden mamaki. The homegrown colors soothed her soul.
She startled at a knock on the kitchen door – even though it was a quiet, gentle sound. She only knew one person who knocked like that, as if he were afraid that he might injure the door. Even so, her heart leapt when she opened the door and saw his face.
His amber eyes were bright and soft at the same time, and his smile warmed her heart. He had cropped his sandy hair short the week before, and the new haircut still startled her. It was brown now, with all of the sun-bleached golden hair gone, and it made him look older.
He was seventeen, same as her, but he could easily pass for twenty-something. They both could. They had both carried more than their share of grown-up worries already, though the legal adults in their lives seemed to forget that and fly into a frenzy of worry as soon as they learned about the baby.
Even her Aunt Toni. Juniper had thought that, out of everyone in their family, Toni knew her the best. She thought that her aunt respected her, trusted her. But even she had looked at Jun with worry and something very close to pity. She had tried to hide it, but she couldn’t really. Their whole relationship had changed. Juniper had disappointed her, and that in turn had disappointed Jun. When Toni flew home to California, Jun felt nothing but relief… which then brought its own sense of grief.
Cody stood quietly in the doorway, his eyes on her face. He was so tall that her forehead was level with his collarbones – but he had a habit of slouching, like he still wasn’t used to being head and shoulders taller than everyone around him.
Sometimes, when they were alone on the trail, he forgot to stoop. He stood straight and walked tall, and in those moments she thought that she could follow him anywhere.
She didn’t see as much of him as she would like. He was the hardest worker she knew, and she respected the heck out of that, but she missed him… and lately she had started to wonder if all of those extra hours of work weren’t just his way of avoiding her.
He was a good man, though some people still thought of him as a boy. She knew that he would show up for her and for their baby. But the less she saw of him, the more she began to worry if his providing for the baby had more to do with a sense of obligation than love.
He would love the baby, she felt sure of that. That was just the sort of person he was. But did he love her anymore? Sometimes she wondered.
“You look tired,” he said softly.
“So do you.”
“I haven’t been sleeping much,” he admitted. “I stay up late catching up on schoolwork, and then I get up early to pick lychee.”
“Isn’t lychee season over yet?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty much done. We’re just cleaning up the last of it now, a few bunches left on each tree. Once that’s done, I’ll be able to come to morning markets with you again. I don’t like you setting up on your own.”
“It’s easy. I just pull the truck right up to my spot.” She finally had a driver’s license – one of the benefits of her dad moving to the island. There had been too much red tape to get one without him. What a relief it would be to finally turn eighteen.
“Still.” Cody cast a worried look at the teas on the table. “You shouldn’t be lifting anything that heavy.”
His worry made her smile. “I only have to move them a few feet.”
Her smile seemed to do something to him. The lines of worry between his eyebrows eased, and he bent to kiss her. Warmth and wellbeing rushed through her body as she melted into him, and she forgot everything else.
That was how they had gotten into this situation to begin with, of course. Songs and movies had tried to warn her about falling in love, but she had never really believed it – never fully understood. Those were fictional characters, or people more foolish than her.
She had never even had a crush on the boys she went to school with in Santa Cruz. She had scoffed at Romeo and Juliet.
Then she’d met Cody, and suddenly all of the love songs made sense. Just being near him made her happy. When she was with him, all of the dark memories lost their hold on her. It was intoxicating.
But being away from him hurt. Sometimes she wondered if love wasn’t as dangerous as the addictions that had taken her mother from her.
“I missed you,” she said when he stood straight again, taking his lips out of reach.
She hadn’t meant to say that – hadn’t meant to admit her weakness or to put that on him. He had enough on his mind. Too much to carry already. She didn’t want to be just another obligation.
But his eyes softened, and he touched the side of her face.
“I missed you too.” He sighed and bent down, resting his forehead lightly against hers. “I’m picking up as many hours as I can to save up before the baby comes. Liam’s been giving me work at the farm - overpaying me for it too, but I’m not too proud to accept it.”
He lifted his head and looked her in the eyes.
“My mom decided to sell the house. She and the twins are moving up to Summers Ranch.”
Juniper’s teeth pressed together, and her hand tightened on the fabric of Cody’s shirt. They hardly saw each other now, and he lived right next door. What would they do when he was all the way up at the ranch?
“I want to rent something for us,” he said quietly. “Here in Pualena, if we can. Or maybe some cabin on a quiet farm somewhere nearby. Something.”
“Just you and me?” she breathed.
“You and me and the baby.” His expression was serious. “If that’s what you want.”
She swallowed past a lump in her throat and nodded. “I want to be together.”
The tension fell from his shoulders, and he kissed her again.
“Are you sure?” he asked. “When you stopped coming over, I didn’t– I wasn’t sure what you wanted. I didn’t know if we–”
Juniper gasped. “You thought I was avoiding you?”
“Weren’t you?” The worry lines between his eyebrows were back, and she smoothed them out with her thumb.
“No. Never.” She blinked back tears of relief. “I thought you were avoiding me.”
“What do you mean? I’ve been here nearly every morning.”
“Yeah, you’ve been helping with work, but that’s just the sort of person you are. We haven’t seen much of each other, aside from that.”
“You stopped coming over.” There was no blame in his tone, but she could see the hurt and confusion in his eyes. “You barely even texted me back. I thought you were angry at me.”
Juniper shook her head, and the tears she had been holding back escaped. “I was just so sick.”
“And I haven’t been here.” He held her closer, and then he sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“You’ve been working.”
“I’ve been working,” he agreed. “But I could have shown up more. I just… I didn’t know if you wanted to see me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” His expression was solemn as he wiped the tears from her face.
“I didn’t feel like I could come to your house anymore,” she admitted, still crying. Pregnancy hormones were the worst.
Cody’s eyes went wide. “Why?”
“Your mom hates me.”
“No she doesn’t!” He held her close, one arm cradling her back and the other brushing strands of hair away from her face. “She doesn’t hate you, Jun. Don’t cry.”
“She doesn’t want me there.” Juniper put her face into his shirt and sobbed.
For a moment, Tara had been a mother figure in Jun’s life. Sometimes she wondered if she collected them deliberately. Things could get complicated between her and her aunts, and her grandma was a bit of a nightmare, but things between her and Tara had felt so easy.
Tara’s kitchen was such a warm, homey place. It was clean and organized, but then the living room just on the other side of the counter was a happy mess of art and books and board games. Juniper had thought that if she had a family someday, she would want a house just like that one. It was all warm smells and good food, so full of life that it spilled over from one room to the next.
She used to go over to help Tara cook, and for a short while she felt more at home there with Cody’s family than she ever had anywhere else.
Then she’d told them about the baby. And Tara had changed. And Jun didn’t feel welcome there anymore.
“She’s been struggling lately,” Cody admitted. “Not just because of this. She’s been working so much for so long that she’s just exhausted. That’s why she’s selling the house.”
“Where are we going to live?” Juniper asked, looking up at him. Cody was far too big for the little tower room that she lived in now. He was taller than her bed was long, and his head hit the sloped ceiling unless he stood right in the middle of the room.
“I’ll figure it out,” he said, kissing her forehead. “We have time.”
“Okay.” She leaned into him, letting the solidity of him soothe her. “I trust you.”
They stood like that for a while. Then, with visible reluctance, he stepped away.
“If we don’t load the truck now, you’ll be late for the market.”
Juniper nodded in agreement, but she felt like she might cry again. Cody must have seen it in her face, because those worry lines sprang back.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She shook her head and pressed her hands to her eyes. “Pregnancy hormones.”
“I’ll come with you.”
“Really?” Juniper dropped her hands and bit back a sob of relief.
“Yeah. I’ll tell Nate I can’t make it today. He won’t mind.”
Now she did cry. He put his arms around her, and she sobbed into his shirt. With anyone else she would have felt miserably embarrassed, but with him she felt safe enough to let her guard down.
“It’s okay.” His voice was soft in her ear. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“I know,” she said between sobs. “It’s not me. It’s just the baby making me cry.”
“Okay,” he said, almost laughing.
“I’m not sad,” she insisted, still crying. “I’m just happy you’re here with me.”
His arms tightened possessively around her. “Okay.”
When her sobs finally quieted, she washed her face with cool water while Cody loaded the truck. He was ready to go when she walked outside. But instead of climbing into the truck, he held his arms out to her. She walked into them and they stood there for a while, just holding each other. Above them, the sky was pink and gold with the dawn.
“We can do this.” Cody spoke into her hair, his voice so quiet that she could hardly hear him above the sounds of the birds.
“I know we can.” She tilted her face up and looked him in the eyes, feeling more like herself. “But do you want to? Like really want to?”
“I want to be with you,” he said with quiet conviction. “I want to be a family.”
The last of the worry clinging to her heart fell away. “Me too.”
“Whatever happens, we can figure it out together.”
The sun rose higher, the first of the morning light beaming through the trees to warm their faces. A peace settled into Juniper’s heart like nothing she had ever known. For the first time in a long time – maybe the first time in her life – she felt truly and completely happy.
Because whatever came next, they had each other.
Thanks for reading!
The story continues in Big Island Moonlight .