Chapter Thirty-Four #2
person in my life. He’s such a dick. I feel so stupid for even . . . I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that about the kids. I love
those guys, you know that.”
“Of course I do. Forget it, really. And I’m sorry I called you ungrateful. Today has been a shit show, tempers were high. Okay, one thing at a time. We make sure we don’t die in this forest, then we go home, and I beat the living crap out of your soon-to-be former husband.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“Watch me, I’d like to—”
“Wait, shush! Oh my God, don’t move.”
“Again, with the shushing?”
“Right there.” She points. “Across the water.”
I turn my head slowly, fear rising in my throat, knowing that I can’t outrun another wild animal today, and there across the
creek, standing by a tree, and staring at us with gold eyes, is Merlin, my fox. He’s blinking at us, no doubt wondering, What have you fools gotten yourselves into now?
I could have used you this morning, I think to myself as tears of gratitude for this visit fill my eyes, before we started this disaster of an adventure.
I’m simply an advisor, not a miracle worker, Merlin says. He flicks his tail and dashes off, gone before I can argue with him. He’s made his point; the rest is up to us.
“That fox is telling us we are going to have to find another way out,” I say. “He was at the creek. We need to follow the
water. It flows down, doesn’t it? And that’s where camp is.”
“The fox is telling us? Did you hit your head in the fall?”
“No. I don’t think so. Here’s the thing. The universe puts a fox on your path to lead you in the right direction. Luna taught
me that. She gave me this ring to remind me.” I hold my shaking hand out to my sister.
“I kinda love that. Well, shit.” Lily stands up slowly, groaning. “If the fox says we gotta go, we gotta go.”
“I need a sec, my ankle is—”
“Come on, Big.” She offers me her uninjured hand, but when I grab it, she moans and doubles over, holding her ribs.
“Lily, we can’t.” I feel whatever energy I have left draining out of me. I can see my ankle swelling up. “The fox was wrong. We should wait until Brick figures out we’re gone.”
“No, let’s go. Stand up and then lean on me. You can do it.”
I roll back onto my hands and knees and manage to stand on one leg. Lily comes up close, and I put my arm around her. She
grabs my waist. “I like your idea of following the creek,” she says.
I glance at Lily. “You like my idea? No argument? That’s a first.”
“Shut the fuck up and walk.”
Inch by inch, we shuffle alongside the creek like a beat-up and decrepit pair of three-legged racers. I hop on one foot until
my lungs burn and I need to stop, which is frequently. There is very little conversation between us, just a series of grunts
and groans and cursing.
Then Lily speaks up. “I regret telling you that,” she says with labored breathing. “About what Eric said. I was in shock when
he did. It was almost as bad as when I found out about the condoms. And that was bad. He was basically saying that everything
we were working for, that we dreamed of—well, I thought we dreamed of—a family, a future, was a lie.”
“I’m sorry, hon. It’s unforgiveable. Not to mention, it didn’t exactly cast me and Tim in the best light, did it?” I try to
smile through the pain in my ankle to show I can take it in stride, but Lily doesn’t see it. She’s watching the ground for
landmines like rocks and tangled overgrowth that could take us down.
“That’s the thing, Big. It casts you in the best light.”
“Being called mediocre is a compliment?”
“There is nothing mediocre about you. Just the opposite. You have an enviable life. You have the life I want. I’ve always
wanted it.”
I know this about my sister. And it kills me every time I think about it. Now included. She deserves to get what she wants.
“The fact that Eric sees your life as a punishment is on him,” she says, stopping to catch her breath.
She lets go of me to run her hand through her ratty hair.
I wobble, trying to maintain my balance.
“And on me for picking a guy who thinks that way.” She scans the forest floor.
“The ground slopes up over there, but it’s not as steep. I think we should try going that way.”
I am not used to my sister taking charge and solving a problem. Usually, she sits back, waits for me to decide, and then argues
with me over it. Right now, I’m more than happy to hand over the reins, although even with resting most of my weight on Lily,
I can’t go far. “This is ridiculous,” I say. “Just go on and leave me here.”
“Such a martyr. Come on, we can stop here. We’ll rest and go again.” Lily helps me lower myself to the ground. Above us, the
sun is higher in the sky. I wanted my sister to leave Alaska with her own fox, something to strengthen her resolve and help
find her right path. With the blood and mud streaked down her face, her hair wild and filled with leaves, and the determination
to find a way out of here set in her jaw, Lily looks fierce. Maybe she doesn’t need a spiritual awakening. I’m starting to
think she’s got all she needs inside her, and I never gave her enough credit. Or the space to prove it.
“I think might be time for the master to step aside, young Padawan.”
“You did hit your head, didn’t you?”
“Well, maybe, but no. I just think sometimes I don’t give you enough credit to figure things out on your own. I hang on too
tight.”
“I think I hold onto you tighter than you hold onto me.”
“It’s not a competition, Lil. We both get the codependence prize.”
“You mean consolation prize?”
I laugh even though it hurts. “More like a participation trophy, like Cam used to get for peewee baseball. Only, ours says,
World’s Most Enmeshed Sisters. But seriously, I never let anyone skin their knee. I’m always there with Bactine and a Band-Aid before they even realize they were hurt.”
“It’s not bad to want to take care of the people you love, Big. And we do need you. All of us. But maybe you have to stop
for a second, give yourself the chance to take a breath. You could find out what more you want out of this life.”
“Oh, that old chestnut.” Have Lily and Brick Malone, Earth Walker, Soul Searcher, been conspiring?
“It’s true, though. We can handle it, although I’m not sure about Ruth. That’ll be tough, I’m not gonna lie, she’s not one
for new tricks. But the rest of us can manage a bump or a bruise or a scab on our knee, at least for a while. Just don’t go
too far.”
We sit side by side watching the creek. In lieu of a hug, I lick my thumb and try to wipe some of the dried blood off Lily’s
cheek.
“Gross, get off,” she says, elbowing my hand away and then groaning at the pain that causes her ribs.
“I love you too,” I say, grabbing a handful of earth and tossing it, which for some reason hurts my ankle. “Fine mess we’ve
gotten ourselves into,” I add when the pain subsides.
“I blame Eric.”
“And, apparently, Eric blames me.”
Lily snort-laughs, then winces. “Well, he wasn’t wrong. Like I said, you were my goal.”
“So, what you’re saying is I did you a favor. Big to the rescue again.” I stop and stare at her. Have I taken it too far,
too soon?
“Don’t start patting yourself on the back just yet.” She laughs then gets quiet. “It doesn’t matter. Bottom line, I’m not
going to have any kids. Husband or not. It’s kind of laughable that Eric bailed now. He was going to get what he wanted. I’m
nothing like you and never will be.”
“Is that a medical opinion or are you playing Dr. WebMD?”
“It’s obvious.”
“I thought it was me.”
“I just told you it was you. Eric blames you.”
“No, I mean the reason you haven’t gotten pregnant. I thought it was my fault. I guess I still do.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“The accident.”
“What accident?”
“The one you were laughing it up over in the bar the other night. When you begged me to take you to the mall for the Beanie
Babies.”
“What does that have to do with me getting pregnant now?”
“Mom was pissed at me. You had those bruises from the seat belt. She said—”
“Wait a second? You’ve been carrying this around all these years? You think a seat belt made me infertile?”
“I don’t. Not logically, I guess. But maybe it was possible. There was no way to know at the time. And she was so mad. I could
never shake it.”
“Mom probably didn’t even mean it. She was always saying weird random shit off the top of her head. I can’t believe you believed
her.”
“I guess I was in shock, and the guilt was killing me, and it got embedded in my brain. Sometimes things don’t have to make
sense to stick in your head and become a fact. Thinking about it now, it might be why I doubled down on taking responsibility
for you. And then you guys had all that trouble getting pregnant. I mean, you’ve been trying for so long. What if Mom was
right?”
“Hold on, Big. You are not responsible for me not being able to have kids. You are absolved of whatever penance you think
you’ve been serving. And I know you thought it was your job or your calling or whatever, but you can’t protect me from everything.”
“I just didn’t want you to get hurt again.”
“Well, you did a shitty job of that.” Lily holds out her injured wrist as an example and laughs, as I feel a tear rolling down my cheek. “Seriously, like I said before, sometimes I need to stand on my own two feet.”
Wiping my eyes yields a streak of tears and dirt on the back of my hand. “Well, you don’t always do the best job of showing
that. Why do I feel like I’m always coming to save you?”
Lily is quiet for a moment. She dabs at the cut on her forehead and grimaces. “Well,” she finally says, “I guess I kinda like
having you as my guardian angel.” She stands up. We’ve still got a ravine to climb out of. “The truth is, I got what’s coming
next. But I still need my angel on my shoulder.” She brushes herself off and pulls some debris from my hair. “Okay, let’s
go. Today, I’m going to save you.”