Chapter Fourteen #3
Autumn was quiet for a moment, calculating how to handle him.
“No one picks up a guitar and simply knows how to play it. You get good at it through practice over time. Being in a relationship is the same. But people develop coping mechanisms. Sometimes they’re healthy.
Sometimes detrimental to the growth that’s necessary.
I’ve long suspected yours is suppressing emotion.
Seeking distance from others to protect yourself from potential hurt. ”
Sighing, he lifted his head. “It’s to protect her. Not myself.”
“You believe bad luck tied to you somehow makes you responsible for the danger that she’s in?”
“Yes. I do.” Then he shared what happened to his wife as proof. Something he never discussed with the team. Heat crept up his neck at sharing something so deeply personal.
He might not have told Olivia about his feelings for her that he’d been fighting, but he was neck-deep in emotional attachment. And she was paying for it nonetheless.
“I understand it can feel like the bad things that have happened to those you care about is your fault,” Autumn said. “But I want you to consider something. This mission isn’t yours. You didn’t bring Olivia into it. She brought you in.”
“And she’s nearly died several times as a result.”
“She has, even though you haven’t shared your feelings. Keeping her at a distance isn’t keeping her safe.”
“Maybe it is. Maybe it’s the reason she’s only been hurt and kidnapped, but is still alive,” he said, his voice a low, gravelly rasp, betraying the pain he usually kept locked away.
If he dared to tell Olivia how deeply he felt for her, it would leave her unprotected, exposed to the worst.
“You’re not the reason she’s in harm’s way.
Her job is,” Autumn said. “But you are the reason she’s still alive.
You saved her several times on this assignment.
She would be dead if not for you, Eli. You rescued her from the fire at the hotel, and you disarmed the bomb at the carbon capture facility.
I doubt if she had brought in some other Aegis agent as her backup, they would’ve been capable of doing either.
I’d call that good luck. Not bad. Certainly not a curse. But a gift.”
“In the forest. I lost her.” He let Shepherd win another round. The guilt was eating him alive.
“You didn’t lose her.” Autumn held his gaze. “Olivia chose to leave. It was something she wanted to do, no, needed to do. We have to figure out why.”
He put a fist on the table. “Shepherd probably threatened me or the rest of the team if she didn’t agree to go meet him.” A vein throbbed in his temple as the possibility took root, fueling a fresh surge of anger.
“She didn’t sound scared. She almost sounded resolved.
Like she wanted to give you hope that it would be okay.
Not as though she was making a great sacrifice.
Think of how she talked about you going to visit her after this was finished.
What was so special about your final day on your last trip that she wanted to do again? ”
“Nothing.” That wasn’t the day they’d had unprotected sex, so it couldn’t have been about making the baby.
“We made love. Ate. Checked out the Raptor Refuge, where they rehabilitated wild birds, then she took me to the airport. It doesn’t make any sense.
We had more fun at the concert and something significant happened but on a different day. ”
Frustration pounded through him. The effort to maintain control was a struggle.
Autumn covered his hand with hers and he realized his fist was shaking. “We’re hungry,” she said, lightly. “I think we need to eat.”
The statement threw his chaotic thoughts for a loop he didn’t need. “I guess we can order something.”
“There’s a fully stocked pantry and a few things in the fridge.
You should whip up something for us to eat.
” Autumn smiled, pearly whites against her brown complexion.
Before he could formulate an objection, she said, “Cooking isn’t just cooking for you.
I’ve noticed that on several cases we’ve handled together. ”
Autumn was too observant.
“I’m not in the mood,” he muttered.
“We have a lot of pieces that aren’t adding up,” she said. “Why the parley? Why not kill you both? Was it just a means to get the NOC list? Or some other ulterior motive?”
“Wish I knew.”
“I’m confident about two things. You were set up to fail in those woods. Shepherd expected you to break the rules. That typed note wasn’t in Tristan’s back pocket just in case. And Olivia is shrewd. If she could have given you some kind of signal or clue, she would’ve. Maybe she did.”
“She shouted something to me before she reached the bottom of the canyon. I couldn’t make out the whole thing, but I caught the last bit. Ree.”
“Like free? Or something to do with the number three?”
“I don’t know.” He slammed a fist on the table.
“Get up.” Autumn gestured for him to move, and he stood. “Go cook or bake something. You need to calm down, so you can think clearly and figure this out. You might be the only one who can. Olivia is counting on you. We all are.”