Chapter 3
CONNOR
The moment I open the door to the McBride Timber office, Gizmo leaps from Liam's lap, barking wildly as he charges at me like the massive guard dog he seems to think he is.
I stare down the little Frenchie with the bad attitude, refusing to budge or retreat an inch from the tiny terror. After being gone a week, he seems especially annoyed at my reappearance today, flashing his teeth and emitting a low growl from deep in his chest.
A tense stare down continues for a few seconds, neither of us willing to back down. We've mastered this game over the last several months since Lucky came into our lives, bringing Gizmo with her. The dog hates just about everyone, including me, and he isn’t afraid to show it.
But he always caves eventually.
And it doesn’t take long for him to slink back toward his favorite person rather than continuing to stand in my way.
The look that Liam gives me from his chair tells me he may be as annoyed with me as the dog is, at least at the moment.
Shit.
I close the door behind me and release a sigh, already anticipating what's coming and attempting to brace myself for the inevitable impact. There was no way I was going to be able to just “reappear” and not face this look from my brothers or the questions they’ll have.
But that doesn’t mean I’m mentally prepared for it…
Especially after the morning I’ve already had, I would have preferred a welcome-home hug and silence from Liam. I’m still itching from my confrontation with Raven, and getting into it with him is only going to make it worse.
Liam watches me silently as I stalk across the office and settle into my desk chair, glancing at Killian's empty one.
I didn't see him out on the yard when I parked and walked into the office, which means he probably went up onto the mountain for something, perhaps to check on one of the timber sites.
At least there’s only one McBride brother to face today.
It’s far better than them teaming up on me, which undoubtedly would have happened if I had stopped on the homestead for breakfast or found both of them in here this morning. So, I guess I should count my blessings in that regard.
Of the two other McBride brothers, Liam is the lesser of two evils in many respects. He’s less aggressive, less likely to tear into me, far more likely to tread lightly, but he’s also the one who gets disappointed, which is far worse than Killian’s anger.
I scan the papers scattered on my desk to see if there's anything important rather than meet his judgmental gaze. If there were anything that couldn’t have waited, I'm sure Liam and Killian would've handled it while I was gone.
They’re always on top of everything where the business is concerned.
Even when Killian was spending all his time trying to help Willow unravel what happened to her during her missing year, or when Liam pulled away after learning about his father and dealing with his own emotional baggage, the business kept running smoothly because we all stepped up to carry the extra load.
Which makes me feel like even more shit at the moment.
Killian is busy being a father and husband, and Liam now has Lucky and Gizmo. They both have lives outside this office, so I should be here. I should be the one stepping up and taking on more responsibility. I should be focused here instead of on what happened up there.
But no matter how hard I try, I can’t get a grip on those demons.
I can’t keep them at bay…
And right now, I can feel Liam's gaze from across the room. He leans back in his chair, petting Gizmo, seemingly relaxed, but I know my little brother well enough to understand how wrong that assumption would be.
He’s vibrating to say something.
Biding his time for the perfect moment to let it rip.
Peeking up, I catch his hand moving smoothly over Giz’s little head, and the dog’s eyes close as he relaxes in his hold.
If only it were so easy for me to find that kind of calm, that kind of relaxation, comfort at a simple touch from another human being instead of instantly flinching away from it.
Liam drums the fingers of his free hand on his desk loudly, forcing me to look up fully and finally meet his gaze. He raises a reddish brow in that way that says a thousand words without uttering even one. "An entire week? Really?"
I cringe, fisting my hands on the top of my desk as the last week spent on the mountain alone flashes through my head.
The drinking.
The physical pain and emotional turmoil.
The nightmares.
The tears and frustration.
All of it rushes back with agonizing clarity.
None of it is anything I want the people in my life to witness, least of all my brothers.
My chest tightens violently, and I struggle to draw in enough air to respond. The only time I seem to be able to catch my breath is up there, and now that I’m back down here, I remember why I left. "I don't know what you want me to say…"
"I don't know.” Liam shrugs. “How about I'm sorry that I made you guys worry and think I was dead on the mountain? Or I know I should have told you guys where I was going? Or I should have taken the satellite phone with me?” His brows rise.
“Do you want me to keep going? Because there are a lot of things I could say right now. "
I grit my teeth, trying not to lash out at Liam when I know he means well. When not that long ago, we were in the opposite positions, and he was the one we were all desperately trying to get through to, to no avail.
It was only when the blue-haired girl and that damn dog showed up that Liam finally had a breakthrough in dealing with the storm of feelings he was trapped in regarding what he learned about his parents.
He doesn’t want me to go down that same road. He doesn’t want me to pass the point of no return, which I have been dangerously close to lately. I shouldn’t be mad at him for that, annoyed that he cares.
It’s what Mom raised us to do—always protect each other and the mountain.
I squeeze my eyes closed and lean back in the chair, dropping my head against the headrest. "I'm sorry, okay? It was never my intention to make anyone worry. I just needed…”
To be able to breathe.
To be able to think.
To get away from the place where it all happened.
To get away from all the people who looked at me differently now.
“Time and space."
Liam’s statement makes me lift my head and open my eyes, and all I see shimmering in his gaze is empathy.
I nod.
"I get it, Connor. Really." He releases a sardonic laugh. "I, of all people, get it more than anyone, but that's exactly why I'm worried more than anyone else is, too, because I was exactly where you're at and I know what a dangerous place it is to be."
The only thing dangerous is me.
My inability to get a grip on my own emotions makes me explosive in a way that even I can see isn’t healthy for anyone else to be around.
All I can see every time I look at Liam is the blood pouring out of his gunshot wound, how pale his face was that night, how close he was to dying if I had arrived even seconds later.
Goosebumps break out over my skin and a shiver rolls through me as I see Lorell on top of him with that knife to his throat, as I remember the feel of the axe in my hand as I drove it down into his back…
I try to fight the shudder, but it comes anyway.
"Connor, please…something has to change.” His voice wavers, any ability he might have had to keep his distress contained becoming harder and harder the longer this goes on. “We had Tony ready to send out a search party. He even got his brothers involved."
His brothers?
I raise a brow. "They're back?"
Though Tony's two younger brothers grew up with us on the mountain, they both left for military service the same way the oldest Briggs brother did as soon as they hit eighteen. And while Tony has been back in town for over five years already, they haven’t been here for anything for quite some time.
And I welcome the change of topic…
Liam nods. "From what I understand, Tripp was medically discharged and has been in some sort of rehab."
"What about Barrett?"
I catch the flash of unease in his eyes as he shakes his head. "I don't know what's up with him."
Does anyone?
Barrett has always been the loose cannon of the Briggs family, and I was equally surprised, and not, that he ended up special ops. He's just the kind of intense, regimented, and slightly unhinged they look for.
The brothers being back will certainly make McBride Mountain more interesting and maybe take a bit of the spotlight off me. Give the town something else to gossip about for the first time in months.
"Huh. Well, I'm glad they’re back, and that you didn't send out the search party."
Shit.
Before the words even leave my mouth, I know I shouldn’t have tacked on that last part because it just reopens the door I had hoped we closed.
“Maybe we should have.” Liam’s eyes narrow on me again, and Giz lifts his head and looks at me as if he, too, needs to examine me more closely and judge. “You don't look good, bro."
"Gee, thanks."
He shrugs. "You want me to lie about it?”
“Wouldn’t fucking hurt…”
Liam releases a sigh, returning to petting Gizmo who has snuggled back on his lap, still eyeing me warily. "You need to talk to someone."
"What, like a fucking shrink?" I shake my head, the annoyance I’ve tried so hard to keep at bay where he’s concerned now returning. "No.”
Hell no.
The last thing I need is someone rattling around in my head and trying to rationalize thoughts and feelings they can’t possibly understand because they weren’t there. They weren’t the one who pulled the trigger over and over. They didn’t drive an axe into a man’s head.
“I don't care if it's a goddamn doctor or if it's Elaine or Claire or some tourist you meet at the bar and bring home to your cabin for a one-night stand, but you have to talk to someone."
"What good is that going to do?"