Chapter 6 – Shay
Chapter Six
Shay
Ifeel nothing about sex. It happens sometimes.
Men want it. Aside from that, there’s nothing there for me.
I know some women really enjoy sex – at least I’ve heard about women who do.
It’s nothing I want to talk to Cody or anyone else about, but my experience isn’t totally unique.
A lot of women with a past like mine just feel…
numb about the whole ordeal. I doubt Cody finds my numbness attractive.
Judging by the whiskey he polished off tonight, he might not even find me attractive.
Frankly, I can’t read him in the slightest. He barely speaks.
He just looms over me with a somewhat menacing presence.
He stares a lot. Whenever he talks to me or interacts with me, he’s kind enough.
He gives the impression of a man who spends most of his time alone and likes it that way.
I don’t know why he really wants a wife at all.
“Bedroom, Mrs. Hollingsworth,” Cody says, keeping those pale blue-grey eyes glued to my body.
Or just me in general. I’ve never had a man look at me like that.
My throat constricts slightly, but I comfort myself with the thought that Cody is the most attractive man I’ve ever seen – and a lot of women would be happy to have a husband so easy on the eyes.
I’m mature enough now to realize that it’s not enough to make a marriage or a relationship happy.
He could be a monster in the bedroom for all I know.
I hear Cody’s glass touch the wooden coffee table and the couch squeak as he rises to his feet and follows me towards his bedroom.
It didn’t take me long to learn my way around his house, at least.
When I push the bedroom door open, Cody’s body is so close to mine that I can feel the heat coming off of him. I turn to face him and he’s flushed. Embarrassed. Definitely a little drunk.
“Sorry,” he says. “I’m very nervous. And I want to kiss you. Very badly.”
I freeze. I’m surprised that he wants to kiss me.
I expected him to get close to me so he could roughly drag me to his bed or bend me over.
Instead, Cody’s hands drop to my hips and my heart races a million miles a minute as our eyes meet.
My gaze flickers down to his lips right after that.
I don’t feel any less nervous staring at his lips.
He leans forward. I close my eyes and I don’t know what I expect, but it’s not what happens next.
Cody kisses me, and it feels good. It doesn’t feel overly wet.
Or like he’s biting me. Or like he’s poking me with his teeth and tongue.
His lips press softly against mine. I meet his kiss instinctively.
Instead of getting worse or painful, Cody’s kissing gets softer.
And better. He senses the rhythm of the movement between us and our lips move together as we taste each other slowly, and each moment between us gets better.
He parts my lips with his tongue and ignites something wild in me.
What is this feeling? My hands reach out instinctively for Cody’s chest as he holds my hips and pulls me closer to him.
“Good,” he whispers. “I like when you touch me. I’m yours to touch, Mrs. Hollingsworth.”
It doesn’t feel like who I am yet…
But the kissing feels good. So when Cody kisses me again, I let him, and I try not to think about what happens next, until Cody surprises me by dropping slowly to his knees, breaking apart from touching me everywhere except for his hands on my hips.
I have no idea what he’s doing down there and just stare at him. Cody’s eyes are filled with unrecognizable mischief.
“I want to,” he whispers. “You don’t have to be scared of it. I know what I’m doing.”
He might know what he’s doing, but that does nothing to enlighten me.
“Okay.”
“This wasn’t in our contract,” Cody says with his Southern twang. His accent is sexy. His voice is so deep and easy to listen to. But I have no idea what he’s talking about.
“Kneeling?”
“Eating your pussy,” Cody says, making flat, unrelenting eye contact.
I feel like an idiot. I know what eating pussy is…
I’m not stupid. But… I’ve never been in a situation where that was on the table.
Ever. My thighs clench together unconsciously and I can feel my nostrils flaring with some mixture of nervous panic and a rush to find the right words to tell Cody that he can’t do that.
“You don’t have to do that.”
There. That sounds respectful. And it doesn’t stop the strange warm gush between my thighs, but maybe those six words will stop Cody from putting his face between my legs.
It’s not that I’m a prude, but… I’m not sexually liberated.
I don’t know what to do with myself or how to feel about sex or the right way to be with Cody.
I can let him do what he wants to me, but the thought of even considering my own desires…
Cody’s expression steels. “I know that I don’t have to do that. I want you to cum tonight, Shay.”
More words that I’ve never heard before.
I’m deeply ashamed of what I’m about to admit to Cody, but maybe it will shed some light on why I was so willing to marry him and agree to this in the first place.
I don’t treasure my sexuality. I don’t feel this great big attachment to sex and love.
Like I said before – it’s just something that happens.
It’s nice of Cody to think of me, but I won’t cum. I never have during sex. Touching myself always felt wrong, stupid and… misguided. I know I’m too old to think like this, but it’s who I am – and I’m broken. Which is a reality that I have totally adjusted to.
Except my voice catches a little bit when I answer Cody. “I can’t.”
Why do I sound so vulnerable with him? I meant those words to come out of my mouth more forcefully. Instead of pushing roughly or forcing me, Cody’s face softens.
“Why not?”
“I never have.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, his hands gripping me more possessively. “You’ve never had an orgasm?”
I shake my head. It’s too hard to speak.
He kisses my stomach, making it even more difficult than it was before.
I don’t know why I suddenly feel like the butt of a cruel joke.
Shame and heat rush to my face, even if Cody hasn’t said anything else in response.
He pulls away from kissing my stomach and looks up at me again with the most devastatingly soulful eyes.
“That’s just plain wrong, Shay,” he says. “I can change that tonight.”
“You don’t –
“I know I don’t have to,” he says. “I want to. I’m going to hurt you a hell of a lot later, so I might as well take it slow with you now.”