Chapter 13 – Shay
Chapter Thirteen
Shay
Cody wants to take me on a date tonight.
Kylie agreed to babysit Caleb, which is the only way I would agree to a date.
When you’re a mom, you can’t just drop everything and run out on dates, even if they’re with your husband, whose feelings confuse you more each day.
Cody wants us to go out for dinner and line dancing, which are two things that I have never done.
I’m serious. I have never eaten at a fancy restaurant and I have never gone dancing.
He seems to think this is some big tragedy.
I can’t miss what I’ve never known. Kylie looks after Caleb downstairs while I get ready.
My son is totally entranced by her and her red hair.
She grew up with brothers I guess, so she totally gets him and I don’t feel any concern from watching them interact.
I’m more worried about what to wear in this closet of pretty things Cody got me.
This was part of the marriage contract. He knew what he was getting into when it came to my height, weight, and figure.
I didn’t think about my looks much hanging around the house except to be clean and presentable – no food stains on my clothing and clean clothes, that kind of thing.
Fashion is hardly my thing. The dresses Cody bought for me are cute.
I don’t know who picked them out, but whoever it was had more of a country girl aesthetic than I do.
There’s a burnt orange dress with tiny white daisies printed on it that I finally settle for.
I look very… feminine in the dress. For shoes, I wear a pair of roasted coffee colored leather boots with a heel about 1. 5 inches off the ground.
I separate my hair into two parts and braid both sides down so I can fit one of Cody’s wide-brimmed Stetson hats on my head.
I look nothing like myself. I turn around a couple times to really get a good look because this dress makes me feel and look…
beautiful. I have never felt this way before.
Never had a pretty dress that hugged the right curves.
This one is modest too, so I don’t feel like I’m jumping out of my sweatpants into something that Cardi B would wear onstage.
The shoes give me a little elevation and make my butt look bubbly and cute instead of lumpy and sad.
There’s a spark of self-esteem when I dress up and total impatience to spend the night with Cody doing new things…
We take Cody’s Ford F-250 instead of his bike, although he still dresses like a biker for our night out.
My husband looks incredible. I feel like I’m getting to live out my wildest romantic fantasy just going out on a date with a guy who looks like him.
Cody crops his strawberry blond beard in a neat trim for our night out.
He smells like cologne and his eyes sparkle with excitement when I walk down the stairs. Kylie and Caleb clap for me.
“You look beautiful, Shay,” Cody says, immediately rushing to me and kissing me in a way that feels like he couldn’t stop himself. It’s not just fulfilling a need, but a more pure desire for me. After this morning, I feel a stronger pull towards him.
Like this could work.
I feel overwhelmed my first time in a restaurant.
We have to go to the biggest city near our house.
I’ve never heard of the town and it doesn’t have a memorable name.
What counts as a city out here is a town with over ten thousand people and the fancy restaurant is always Italian, but not a pizza place.
Cody doesn’t seem to notice that I feel out of place.
But I feel like people are staring at us.
Maybe it’s the fact that Cody is over 6’3” tall.
Maybe it’s his denim jacket. Or the way his chest muscles bulge out of the black shirt beneath it.
He has a big shiny belt buckle on too, that might be a distraction.
I don’t want to think that all those people are staring because he’s a white man with a black woman like me and we’re in a rural part of America, with very little diversity from what I’ve seen since coming here.
(And from Oske’s multiple warnings.)
I don’t get comfortable until the complimentary bread comes out and I have a few pieces dipped in olive oil and balsamic vinegar.
Cody shows me the entire process and I feel like he’s letting me in on a piece of his culture, even if I’m sure this is something everybody else knows.
The bread is the best I’ve ever had. I wonder if I could make rolls like this… Yum.
Cody drinks wine, but since I am contractually obligated to get pregnant, I avoid alcohol.
I finish one and a half glasses of Diet Coke quickly.
It’s a little embarrassing but if I don’t have something to sip on as a distraction, my anxiety over doing the wrong thing in this restaurant or being too awkward for words overwhelms me.
It’s fun and exhilarating to be here but so…
strange and new. Cody just seems… happy.
“Is this too much?” he says. “I don’t want you to think I’m keeping you at home for fucked up reasons. But if it’s too much, we can leave after dinner.”
Cody sees through me more than half the time I think I’m doing a good job of hiding my feelings. I’ve never been with a guy who notices or cares how I feel. My cheeks darken with heat. It’s hard to be vulnerable.
“No. It’s just… a lot. I feel like I don’t belong in this world.
” The words slip out. I don’t mean to be vulnerable with my husband, it just happens.
Cody reaches across the table for my hand.
I look over and meet his gaze as his firm hand crosses over mine.
His thumb rubs the top of my hand. Comfort. Protection. He’s so gentle.
“You belong wherever I am, Shay,” he says. “In my country. In my world. I know we didn’t come into each other’s lives through traditional means but… I hope you understand why.”
How could I forget? My body ached for days after my first and so far only night with Cody. I assumed he didn’t want to try anymore after that.
Our order arrives and Cody’s energy shifts. A dark, looming expression crosses his face. I can’t help but feel as if it's directed towards me. What happened?
“Is there something wrong with your lasagna?” I ask, after Cody’s jaw shifts uncomfortably.
“No,” he says. “Come. Sit on this side of the table.”
“Next to you?” What is going on?
“Yes, Shay,” Cody says calmly. “Don’t make a fuss, just listen. Okay?”
My heart pounds. Everything is definitely not okay… But I listen to Cody and move my seat next to his.