Chapter 21
Asher
Breathe, Remington.
Just. Fucking. Breathe.
It wasn’t easy because raw fury was coursing through my body so hard and fast that it was difficult to do anything.
I closed my eyes from the excruciating pain in my chest, a pain that felt like somebody had plunged a dagger into my heart and twisted it about a hundred times.
Scenes of Sierra in trouble and in pain were clouding my vision.
I was damn glad the bastard was dead.
If he was still alive, I would have wanted to find a way to remove the asshole from the face of the earth.
Fucking hell!
What kind of monster could do what he’d done to Sierra?
What kind of monster could kill his unborn child and his wife?
In my mind, nothing could ever justify touching a woman or a child in anger.
“He wasn’t always as sick as he was during that last year of our marriage,” Sierra said in a sad voice.
“He was always a mean narcissist, but he started flirting with insanity that final year. I think me getting pregnant tipped him over the edge. He felt like he was losing control. He didn’t want anything to take my attention, especially not a child.
The pregnancy was an accident on my part.
He beat me so badly once that I couldn’t get out of bed for a few days.
I missed my pills, but Jordan didn’t let me refuse sex when he wanted it. ”
Fuck! The bastard had raped his wife, too?
She’d had a very good reason why she’d asked to never be restrained.
She’d probably had enough of that shit during her marriage.
No wonder she was so inexperienced with sexual pleasure.
If that asshole had been the only man in her history, it definitely made sense to me now.
My gut rolled from all that Sierra had been through, but I couldn’t lose it right now.
She needed me more than I needed to lose my shit, and she was my priority.
The situation that had brought on her PTSD was so much worse than I’d imagined.
Probably the worst thing that I could possibly imagine happening to a woman.
Sierra was so damn strong.
I was going to have to keep remembering that she’d gotten through it because I’d lose my mind if I didn’t.
She was okay.
She was alive.
She was healthy now.
Get a grip and take care of your woman, Remington.
“I’m sorry, Sierra,” I said hoarsely. “I’m so fucking sorry you had to go through all that. I’m sorry you lost your baby boy, and I’m sorry for every damn time he hurt you.” I hesitated before I asked, “How did you manage to live through it physically if he shot you twice?”
“We lived in Houston,” she explained. “The neighbors heard the gunshots. If they hadn’t called the police, I would have bled to death pretty quickly.
He missed my heart, but the wounds were serious.
I lost my child. He was buried before I regained consciousness.
My mom took care of it because I was in a medically induced coma for a few weeks.
” She hesitated for a few moments before she said, “I’m sure you’re wondering how I could be gaslighted into staying for so long. ”
Nope. I wasn’t wondering about that at all.
“I’m not,” I said firmly. “I completely understand gaslighting and how it alters your head. My father was a master at it. It doesn’t matter how smart or rational you are.
Years of brainwashing can change the way you think, Sierra.
It never stopped for me until he was dead, and as irrational as it may seem, I took the blame for a lot of things because of that damn gaslighting for so many years.
So no, I don’t have to imagine what it’s like to have someone mindfuck you.
None of it was your fault. You must know that now. ”
“I do,” she said with a sigh. “But I still have some knee-jerk insecurities at times before I can catch and correct them. I probably always will. My mom thinks I need to finish healing my soul. Maybe she’s right, but I have moved on with my life. For the most part, I’ve left it in the past.”
“This was probably hard on her,” I guessed.
“Really hard,” she said in a remorseful voice.
“I tried to hide what was happening, but I think she was starting to suspect before my husband tried to kill me. I lived in Houston, so I didn’t see her every day, but we were close.
Once the physical abuse started, it was harder to hide those physical injuries.
She knew something wasn’t right. She blames herself sometimes because she didn’t know, and I hate that.
I did everything I could to keep her from finding out the truth until I couldn’t anymore.
When I needed to get out, I finally told her.
She had to know because I was leaving him.
My career was going well at that point. She wanted me to come home, but I knew that was going to be the first place that Jordan looked.
I kept the location of my new place a secret out of necessity.
I didn’t want to put my mother in the middle of my chaos with Jordan. ”
“So you had your escape all planned?” I asked.
“I did,” she shared. “I was just going to take a few things from the house. I didn’t quite make it out before he came home unexpectedly.”
I closed my eyes and tightened my arms around her waist.
She’d been so damn close to escape…
But I had to wonder if it mattered.
If her husband had been that crazy, he still might have found her somehow.
“I never thought he’d try to kill me,” she said in a whisper.
“I knew he was crazy and that he wanted to hurt me. I even believed that he could kill me with one of his beatings, but I never thought he’d get a gun and murder me.
When I first found out I was pregnant, he actually stopped hitting me.
I think he wanted to make sure I was going to stay.
But it wasn’t long before he started to accuse me of sleeping with someone else.
I wasn’t, but I think he wanted to try to justify what he had planned for the future.
He had the gun. He’d obviously planned on killing me and my baby, but he was beyond reason that day.
He completely lost touch with reality when he realized I was leaving.
Maybe I didn’t plan on getting pregnant, but he knew that I loved my child.
I think I did from the moment I knew he existed.
I was going to name him Nathaniel Joseph.
It’s the name that’s on his headstone. My mom gave him the last name of Ellis because she knew I wasn’t going to want him to take his father’s last name. Ellis is my maiden name.”
Some primal part of me was damn happy that she didn’t carry that asshole’s name anymore.
“How long did it take you recover?” I asked.
“Physically? Almost a year. Emotionally? It took two more years. The PTSD started during my physical recovery. The nightmares started almost immediately after I got out of the hospital. That was a really dark time for me, Asher. I mourned hard for the baby I never got to see, and I blamed myself for him dying even though Jordan killed him. I felt like I should have protected him. I kept telling myself that I should have left sooner. My head was a mess. I honestly didn’t care whether I lived or died.
One day drifted into another like that until I finally started to recover emotionally.
When I felt like I had myself together, I desperately wanted a new start.
That’s why I moved to a place I’d never been before. ”
I understood that. Cole and I had done the same thing when we were younger. We’d wanted to escape the memories here in Crystal Fork, so we’d moved to Austin to start over.
“Why Billings?” I questioned.
I felt her shrug. “I wanted a slower pace and somewhere peaceful. I thought Montana would do. I’m not sure why I was drawn here, but it was close enough that I could get home in a reasonable amount of time if Mom needed me.
I didn’t know if I was going to stay here forever, but it seemed like a good place to try to get my career back together again.
The cost of living isn’t outrageous, and I thought I could survive here until I could reestablish my career. I just couldn’t stay in Texas anymore.”
I wasn’t sure what had brought her to Montana, either, but I couldn’t shake the thought that she was meant to be here.
With me.
No one needed her more than I did.
I might not be the guy she deserved, but there probably wasn’t another guy on the planet who wanted to take care of her and make her happy as much as I did.
Now that I knew the truth about what had happened to her, the desire to keep her safe was completely swamping me.
It was going to fucking haunt me for a very long time that she’d come so close to dying.
“You’re quiet,” she said softly. “That was a lot.”
“I wanted to know,” I reassured her. “But I hate all of the hell you’ve been through, Sierra. I hate the physical and emotional pain he put you through. I hate all of it.”
“It’s over,” she whispered. “It’s been over for a while now. I’ve dealt with most of it. I’m not sure why I had a random nightmare.”
“Because you’re involved with a man for the first time since it happened?” I asked.
“Possibly,” she mused. “I should have told you about my past when I moved in with you. I think I put off talking about it for too long.”
“You can always talk to me,” I told her. “None of this was your fault, Sierra. You were the victim of a man who was sick in the head.”
“I knew that I could talk to you,” she answered. “I trust you, Asher. I think I just dreaded that discussion because I’m happy right now. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy, and I guess I didn’t want to spoil my little happiness bubble.”
“You’re happy?” I asked in a husky voice. “Why?”
“Why do you think?” she said in a teasing voice.
“You make me happy, Asher. I was content with my life until you kissed me and made me realize what I was missing. What woman doesn’t want to be with a man who gives her multiple orgasms every night?
But it’s not just the physical pleasure, although I have to admit that it’s nice.
I know you care about me, Asher. You want me to be happy.
You encourage me to reach for my goals. You treat me like my needs are just as important as yours.
That’s something I’ve never had in a relationship before.
There’s something about you that soothes my soul.
I don’t know how to explain that, so please don’t ask me exactly what I mean. ”
I wouldn’t ask her because I understood exactly how she felt.
I felt the same way when she was with me.
Always had.
Probably always would.
“Are you telling me that being with me eases the pain of your past?” I asked gruffly.
Christ! I hoped she said yes because I really didn’t want to know what it would be like to live without her anymore.
For the first time in my life, I actually felt alive.
I wasn’t just existing.
Hell, this was probably what happiness felt like, and I was getting addicted to feeling this way.
“Yes,” she said softly. “You make me very happy, Asher.”
My chest tightened as I replied. “I have no idea why. I’m kind of an asshole.”
“You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever known,” she said solemnly.
What was I supposed to say to that?
I was grateful that she thought so, but in my mind, I still needed to prove myself to be the man she deserved.
I’d spent my entire life being selfish and solo.
For the first time in my life, I wanted that solitude to end.
“I’m going to make you want to stay with me,” I told her roughly.
She turned between my legs so she could wrap her arms around my neck. “I’m not planning on going anywhere,” she said lightly. “But you need to know that I can never get pregnant and have a child, Asher. Too much damage was done for that.”
“I’m good with that,” I answered immediately. “I’ve never wanted a child.”
I felt her warm breath on my face as she moved closer. “Can we forget about the past and focus on right now?” she asked.
I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her into my lap until she was straddling me.
Hearing about her past had nearly killed me.
I was definitely okay with focusing on right now.