Chapter 32
Sierra
Things started to change quickly as soon as we returned from Houston.
My book that I’d published did incredibly well. So well that it hit some of the bestseller lists.
I was in the process of finishing up projects I’d committed to for other authors so I could focus on writing and illustrating my own stories.
Once the money had started to come in for my projects, I felt a lot more financially independent.
I was able to buy the things that I needed on my own, and I was going to be able to send more cash to my mom for her own needs and wants.
It helped a lot that Asher had seen to everything my mother needed to make her home comfortable again.
The repairs were all finished, and Mom had done nothing but rave about how great things were at home.
Yes, I still let Asher buy me things even though I was going to have plenty of money of my own, but they were more personal and romantic gifts.
He bought me things because he wanted to and not because I needed them.
I bought him things, too, just to tell him that I cared about him.
Granted, I couldn’t afford some of the extravagant gifts he gave, but he seemed to appreciate the little things I bought him just to let him know I was thinking about him.
He treated my gifts with the same enthusiasm he’d gotten from me over the diamond earrings he’d gifted to me recently.
I’d stopped scolding him for buying me gifts.
I tried not to let it get out of hand, but now that I could provide for myself and my mom, it didn’t seem to matter that his gifts were more expensive than mine.
He’d told me before that it was all about perspective, and he was right.
It was just taking me a while to realize that my man was filthy rich and that his expensive gifts were nothing to him.
My personal life was changing, too.
We’d started to spend a lot of time with his family.
Cole and Lauren had recently returned from their honeymoon, which meant that we saw a lot of them.
I adored both of them, and I was happy every time I saw them.
Lauren and I had gotten close, and Asher seemed really happy that Cole was home.
We also spent time with the cousins and Millie.
The Remington women were becoming my tribe, and having friends like them meant everything to me.
I’d been so isolated during my marriage, and I hadn’t really been able to establish friendships during my recovery.
I left Asher at home during shopping trips and girl activities, which suited him fine because he was beginning to like hanging out with the guys.
Lately, I’d seen very few signs of Asher’s PTSD.
Was he cured?
Definitely not yet.
It was going to take him some time to tolerate large crowds and to be in really close quarters with strangers.
Honestly, that might always be something that made him slightly uncomfortable.
However, he enjoyed spending time with family, and he didn’t blink an eye at visiting public places in Crystal Fork and in Billings anymore.
I knew I was starting to slowly change, too.
I was more confident and happier than I’d ever been.
Now that I had good income, I was able to do things with my tribe of Remington women, and I was slowly adding new items of clothing to my wardrobe.
The one thing I didn’t have to buy was lingerie.
Asher had decided that he’d needed to replace the panties he’d destroyed, and he’d gone overboard in his usual Asher sort of way.
He didn’t buy me a single pair of panties.
He’d bought me boxes of panties and bras from some of the most expensive brands in the world.
My drawers were full of fine lingerie, and it was something I probably wouldn’t need to buy for a very long time.
“Thanks for the signed book,” Lauren said as she sat in one of the two recliners in my office. “How is this office working out for you?”
“Like a dream,” I told her as I handed her one of the bottles of water I was holding and flopped into the chair next to hers.
Asher had gotten my office done as a surprise while we were visiting my mother.
It was on the main floor just like his, but at the opposite end of the house.
The large space was decorated perfectly with whimsical art and an artist’s desk that I could only dream about not long ago.
There was also this nice sitting area to use when I needed a break.
“It appeals to my creative mind,” I added. “And you really don’t have to thank me for a copy of my book. I have plenty of them.”
I’d given copies of my book to everyone who would take one, including Millie and all of the Remington women.
It boggled my mind that I was creating my art in a run-down apartment not long ago.
Now, here I was, in this spectacular office.
Asher had offered to change anything I didn’t like in the office, but there wasn’t a thing I would have changed.
It was perfect.
It was afternoon, and Lauren and Cole had just stopped by to visit.
As usual, the guys had stepped out to the barn to see the horses.
“It looks like you’re working on something,” Lauren said as she nodded toward the desk. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”
I shook my head. “Never. One nice thing about working for myself is my ability to be flexible.”
I could always make up time after Cole and Lauren had headed back home.
“That’s one nice thing about being self-employed,” she agreed. “I have a project to work on, but I can do it when I get back home. I kind of needed a break. I’ve been working a lot to catch up after my very long honeymoon.”
“I’m glad you came over,” I told her. “I’m almost done. I’m putting out a short holiday book. It’s been so fun to work on.”
The pre-orders for my book were more than encouraging, and I loved illustrating holiday stories.
“I’m going to expect a copy of that one, too,” Lauren said excitedly. “Cole and I aren’t actively trying to have a child right now, but I’m hoping we will someday. I’d like to have every book you produce. If we don’t have children, I’d still like to have them.”
I couldn’t see Cole and Lauren not having a child in the future.
They’d both be amazing parents.
“Absolutely,” I assured her as my cat jumped up and into my lap.
Lucky came to visit me in my office whenever she decided that she wanted my affection.
She’d become one spoiled kitty because Asher insisted on keeping treats for her in his office.
I was fairly certain that she visited him in his office more than she visited me, but I was okay with that.
Asher seemed to enjoy her company, and Lucky deserved to be spoiled. She’d been through a lot of lean years and chaos during my marriage and afterward.
Lauren sighed as she took the top off her water. “Asher seems so different that it’s almost unreal to me how quickly things have improved for him.”
“He’s been trying really hard,” I shared with her. “Tons of exposure, and I think his treatment just started to kick in. It’s like that sometimes. Nothing happens, and then you realize that you’re making quite a bit of progress all at once.”
There wasn’t a thing that the Remington women didn’t know about me or my past anymore.
I’d gone through the agonizing process of filling them all in on life before Asher.
The amount of support and caring I’d gotten had been almost overwhelming.
Maybe that was one of the reasons that I finally felt like I could forgive myself for my past.
I thought I had, but through my relationship with Asher, I’d realized that I’d never quite taken that final step of letting go of the guilt and shame.
That fact had hit me hard when I’d visited my unborn son’s grave in Hollister with Asher.
As I’d put flowers on Nathaniel’s grave, all of that guilt had swamped me, the blame that I’d never quite put on the person who had killed him instead of myself.
I’d ended up a sobbing mess that Asher had simply held and comforted until I finally got my head together.
Grief was one thing.
Blame and shame was another.
I’d decided right then and there that I was going to start putting the blame where it belonged.
On the man who had murdered my child and tried to kill me.
I was always going to be sad that my son had never gotten the chance to live, but I wasn’t going to take the blame for that anymore.
I’d done the best I could with the brain that I’d had at the time.
I’d tried to get out of my marriage for the good of my child.
I’d wanted something better for Nathaniel so damn much.
I’d planned my escape carefully.
I just hadn’t counted on Jordan coming home before he was due to arrive.
There was really nothing I would have done differently if I could.
I’d thought I was going to be safe.
I was finally stopping the blame game and simply allowing myself to feel the normal regret of a mother who had lost a child.
I’d grieved deeply after Nathaniel’s death, but I’d probably never quite get over that loss.
I accepted that, and I’d finally started to move on.
“Is that how it happened for you?” Lauren asked softly. “Did you suddenly realize that you were getting better?”
I nodded. It had gotten a lot easier to talk about my past with my friends.
“Sometimes I felt like I was never going to escape from that dark place, but one day I woke up and things were a little lighter. Little by little, things started to get better. I decided I wasn’t going to just lay down and die, because that was exactly what my husband wanted.
For a while, I think I lived to spite him.
And then I realized I was alive because I wanted to be. ”
“I definitely think that Asher wants a normal life now,” Lauren observed. “You two are so happy together. Cole keeps telling me that Asher isn’t going to be able to wait long before he puts a ring on your finger. I think he’s right. How do you feel about that?”
I wasn’t so sure that Asher was actually thinking about marriage, and it really hadn’t crossed my mind, either.
“I love him,” I told her honestly as I continued to pet Lucky.
“I can’t imagine my life without him anymore.
We’re starting to discuss the future in small ways, like doing some traveling together in the future, and he talks to me about future changes he’d like to make here at the ranch.
Mom is coming to visit in a few days, and she’ll probably stay through the New Year.
But we really aren’t planning our future together yet.
I’m hoping we will at some point, but I’m just grateful for what we have right now.
Asher talks about how much I’ve helped him, but he has no idea how much he’s helped me, too. ”
I was a different woman than I’d been just a few months ago, and not just financially.
Asher had helped me heal in ways I couldn’t even explain to him.
I was learning what it was like to be in a healthier relationship, and it was night and day from what I’d had when I was married.
I felt supported.
I felt seen.
I felt adored.
I felt beautiful and sexy.
I felt like a woman should feel in an amazingly good relationship, and that was everything to me.
My guy might be a little bit of a caveman at times, but that just reminded me that sometimes, no matter how stoic and strong Asher seemed, he needed reassurance, too.
“He loves you,” Lauren said adamantly. “It shows in every look he gives you and every action he takes. I think you’d better think about how you’re going to handle it when he suddenly proposes. It’s going to happen, Sierra.”
I shrugged. “I’d say yes in a heartbeat, but I wouldn’t count on us getting engaged quite yet. I think we both needed to get our heads on straight. I’m okay with the way things are right now.”
“I’m looking forward to seeing your ring and helping you plan your wedding,” Lauren teased.
“Don’t hold your breath,” I said jokingly.
“We’ll see,” Lauren answered lightly.
I sighed and stroked my cat one last time before she hopped off my lap.
I didn’t think Asher was just going to suddenly propose.
He’d probably ease into a more committed relationship with me.
Honestly, I wanted a beautiful future with the man I loved.
But something like that was definitely going to be worth the wait.