13. Tanya
13
TANYA
I woke up this morning after having another one of those dreams that I’m not entirely sure are just dreams. I’ve had one almost every night this week. Some include Chandler, and others have people that I think I’m supposed to know but can’t place. The dreams the last two nights have been more flashes of moments than actual dreams.
Chandler and I were at some cabin, not my cabin, but one by a lake. Both dreams have started the same way. Chandler and I are out on a deck, having a nice dinner with candles and wine, and then the dream turns into flashes of Chandler and I all over each other inside the cabin. Flash after flash of us deep in the throes of passion. Him kissing my neck and lifting me into his arms. Flashes of me unbuttoning his shirt and kissing down his chest. Pictures of him over me, sliding into me as I arch up to meet him.
It’s proven to be a distracting week. Ms. Poppy has called me out on my daydreaming multiple times at the café. I keep drifting off and thinking about all the things we did in my dreams. It makes me want to see him; I’m almost desperate to see him.
It’s Friday, and he is supposed to be coming here this weekend to spend time with us. Ever since our conversation over the phone about his work, he has made it a goal to call us at least once a day. He talks to Sophia and lets her check over the stuffies she left with him, and once it’s time for her shower, I get the chance to speak with him. He’s been telling me about things from my past and filling in a lot of blanks that I had about who I was. Things like why I’m afraid of heights—I had a fall as a child from a rock I was climbing at the beach and broke my arm. Apparently, ever since then I’ve had issues begin up high.
It’s interesting to see how the things I can’t remember are still affecting my everyday life. Like my body still remembers things, even though my mind can’t.
Along with the dreams, there have been things that I know about Chandler that I’m not sure how I know them. I don’t even realize that it’s something I probably shouldn’t know until later on when I think back on our conversations.
I’m starting to think that some of my memories are resurfacing. I haven’t said anything to anyone about the dreams or things I’m remembering because I’m scared of getting my hopes up. I don’t want them to tell me that I’m not remembering things correctly and that these things never happened.
What if my dreams are just dream? What if the things I remember about Chandler, like his hatred of mushrooms, are just things that I’ve picked up unconsciously over the last few weeks?
I want to be hopeful that my memories are finally coming back some, but after nine years of nothing, I feel like I need to resign myself to the fact that it could just be a fluke.
“Tanya, it’s time for you to go pick up Sophia.”
Ms. Poppy’s voice pulls me from the trance I was in, and when I turn to face her, she has a concerned look on her face.
“You okay, hun? You’ve been pretty out of it lately.”
I give her a reassuring smile and move to get my things.
“I’m fine, just tired. It’s been a crazy few weeks.”
She nods, but I don’t think my answer makes her feel any better. Seeing her concern makes me want to spill my guts about my theory. I have the sudden urge to blurt out that I think I’m getting my memories back, but I’m afraid to speak it out loud.
I take a deep breath, and as I exhale, I tell her, “I think I’m starting to remember things.”
Her eyes widen some, and I can tell she’s trying to hold back her excitement.
“Isn’t that a good thing?”
I groan and lean back against the counter, dropping my head in my hands.
“Yes, but what if I’m wrong? Or what if I am remembering things but this is all I get?”
I feel her arm wrap around my shoulders before she squeezes me to her.
“You’ve gone nine years not remembering anything about your life and you’ve been just fine. If you aren’t remembering things, then it will be no different, but if you are, you have a man that would do anything to fill in the gaps for you.”
I lower my hands and look to her.
“Do you think we’re moving too fast? Technically, I just met him.”
Her smile is maternal and knowing at the same time.
“Your mind has just met him, but your soul remembers him. Tell me there isn’t a pull you feel toward him.”
I can’t tell her that; I’ve felt it since that first day.
“It’s been nine years, and I don’t know anything about him.”
“So get to know him. You fell for him once; don’t you owe it to yourself to see if you will again? Don’t let fear stop you from getting back to the man you’re meant to be with.”
But how do I know I’m meant to be with Chandler?
She pats my arm and lets me go.
“Don’t stress yourself out over the what-ifs. Take it day by day. Now, go get your sweet girl; I know she doesn’t like it when you’re late.”
I push off the counter and walk into the back to put my apron up and grab my things. She’s right, I need to focus on the here and now and not worry over the things I can’t control. It’s much easier said than done though.
I make it to Sophia’s school just as the bell rings, and I watch as she walks out the doors chatting away with her friends. Seeing her laughing and smiling makes me realize that we haven’t had her friends over in a while; I need to arrange a playdate for her. She’s so social and loves to have her friends around. She hasn’t looked up yet to see me, so I just wait for her to be done and let her have her time with her friends.
“She really loves to talk, doesn’t she?”
I jump at the sound of Chandler’s voice, and when I turn around, he is standing a couple of feet behind me, smiling at Sophia. My heart races at the sight of him. My dreams don’t do him justice. He’s dressed in a black pair of slacks and a dark blue button up with the sleeves rolled up.
“Hey, I didn’t know you were going to be here already.”
He looks down at me and walks over until he is only an inch away.
“I was going crazy not seeing you two. I only had one meeting that ended earlier than I had planned, so I left straight from the office.”
I can smell his cologne now that he is closer, and I can’t stop my mind from picturing the things we did in my dream.
“Oh.” The word is a breathy whisper, my mind too full of images of me and him in bed to think of a better reply.
He raises an eyebrow at me, and I shudder as his eyes trail down the length of my body and back up.
“What are you thinking right now?”
I can feel my face flush at his question, so I look around to avoid his eyes.
His chuckle is low, and it makes my stomach clench.
“I think I can tell.”
I lift my eyes back up to his, and he takes another step closer to me, just barely touching me. His eyes are dark, his lips are pulled into a smirk, and all I want is for him to kiss me.
“Daddy!”
We jerk apart at the sound of Sophia’s voice, and he groans and says, “Hold that thought.”
He squats down to scoop her into his arms, and I look around again at all the parents and kids, making sure no one saw us. There is a group of moms to the side of us; they are all watching Chandler, and I recognize the look in their eyes.
Back off , ladies ; he’s mine.
I surprise myself with that thought and turn away from the women to point my hand toward the road home.
“Alright, Soph, lead the way home. You can tell Daddy about your day on the way.”
I just want to get out of here and away from all the women giving Chandler bedroom eyes. I don’t like being jealous. I follow behind them and watch as they walk hand in hand on the way home. I take a quick picture and send it to Chandler. He takes his phone out, and when he sees what I sent him, he turns to me and smiles.
Him being here right now makes the worries and stress I had earlier fade. No matter what happens between him and me, at least I know that he loves Sophia as much as I do. She deserves to have the love of both parents, and he can provide her with things that I can’t. He has enough money that I know she will want for nothing in her life, and I can’t risk messing that up for her.
We make it home, and the two of them set up at the kitchen table to do her homework while I figure out what to make for dinner tonight. While I walk around the kitchen looking to see what all we have, I am fully aware of Chandler’s presence.
I need to tell him about my dreams and ask him if the things I’m remembering are real. I need to know if my memories are truly coming back or not. If he tells me that none of it happened, then I will know that they are never coming back. But if he says these things did happen and the little things I’m remembering are true, then there is some hope.
Please let these be real memories.
After dinner, I get Sophia in the shower, and after she’s in her pj’s, the three of us gather on the couch and watch a movie. Sophia sits in Chandler’s lap and pulls me close so that I’m pressed into Chandler’s side and she can put her feet in my lap. She covers us with a blanket that I keep on the couch for movie nights and cuddles in with one of her stuffies held to her chest.
Chandler looks over at me when she’s settled, and we both have to work at not laughing.
My girl is just too cute.
I start the movie, and about ten minutes in, I feel Chandler shift; he has one arm wrapped around Sophia and lifts the one I’m leaning on to settle it on the back of the couch behind me, his hand resting on my shoulder. I turn my head to look at him and raise a questioning eyebrow at him. He just smiles at me, his eyes glinting with how happy he is in this moment.
Can we really get past everything and be a family?
Even though I was once part of his world at one point, it feels as if we are from two different places. I can’t help but wonder if we are just getting caught up in it all. Is he just holding on to someone from his past that no longer exists? Am I holding on to someone that connects me to a past I don’t remember? It’s hard to tell what is real and what is just us trying to make real. There is still a little voice in the back of my head that questions why I left him in the first place. If we were so in love, then what would cause me to flee?
I don’t pay much attention to the movie, too lost in thought to care about what’s going on, but at one point Chandler and Sophia laugh at something, and I’m hit with a picture of another time.
Chandler and I are sitting on a bench swing on someone’s porch. His arm is around me as he rocks us back and forth gently. He’s laughing at something someone said , and I look up at him as he turns to me.
“If we have kids someday, remind me to never let Josh watch them.”
I shake my head and laugh, standing up from the swing and collecting the bottles of beer from the table.
It’s like a slide show of images in my head, each moment a freeze frame from a movie. I look to Chandler, and when he looks at me, he cocks his head to the side as if to ask me what’s going on. I don’t want to disturb Sophia and ruin the bonding moment we are having, so I shake my head at him and turn back to the movie, trying to figure out if what I just saw was a memory.
It felt like a memory.
We put on a second movie after Sophia practically begs us to, and about halfway through, I look over to see that she has fallen asleep on Chandler’s chest.
Quietly, so I don’t wake her, I whisper, “Do you want me to take her to bed?”
He shakes his head and tightens his arm around her.
“Not yet, let’s just sit here until the movie is over and enjoy the moment.”
Smiling, I lean back under his arm and cuddle in close to the two of them. I push all thoughts of my memories coming back to the back of my mind and do what he says and just enjoy this moment.
Moments like this are still so new to me. For nine years, it’s just been Soph and me. I haven’t dated anyone seriously, and there has never been another person involved in her and my times together. It’s nice to have a pair of strong arms to lay in and feel safe.
Once the end credits start running on the screen, Chandler lifts his arm from around me and moves so he can lift Soph and stand from the couch.
“Stay there while I put her to bed. We still have unfinished business from earlier to attend to.”
Heat floods my body at his words, and I watch him carefully walk up the stairs to put our daughter to bed. I’m suddenly nervous for him to come back down. We’ve already slept together, but I’m nervous about doing it again. My desire for him, though, is stronger than my nerves. I listen to his footsteps creaking above me as he walks to her room, then listen as he heads back to the stairs and walks down. Each sound of the wood squeaking makes my heart beat faster and my breathing accelerate. As soon as he hits the bottom step, his eyes are on me, and they are dark with desire.
As he walks over to me, my nerves make me blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.
“Who’s Josh?”
He stops short and stares down at me with a confused expression.
“Where did you hear that name? Did I mention him to you?”
He finishes walking over to me and sits down on the couch next to me.
“No, while we were watching the movie I think I remembered something.”
His head snaps over to look at me, and he scoops me up and moves me so that I’m straddling his lap, facing him. He cups my face and looks deeply into my eyes.
“Are you getting your memories back?”
I shrug, not really knowing how to answer him.
“I’m not sure. I’ve been having these dreams, and every once in a while, like tonight, I get these pictures in my head, but I don’t know if any of it has happened.”
He lets out a long breath, lets go of my face, and leans back against the back of the couch.
“Well, Josh is my best friend, and if I haven’t mentioned him before, I think you may be remembering some things. Tell me about your dreams.”
He shifts deeper into the couch and places his hands on my hips. I’m distracted for a moment by our position, and he smirks up at me.
“Tell me about the dreams, and then we will get to that.”
I blush and roll my eyes at him. I tell him about the first dream I had. The one where I was wearing a red dress and we slept together after some kind of night out. I told him about the lakeside cabin and about sitting on the porch swing and him talking about Josh. I stare at his chest while I tell him everything, and when I’m done, I look up to find that he has tears in his eyes.
“Those are memories, baby. All those things happened.”
His voice is tight with emotion, and I’m enthralled by his reaction. He sniffles and blow out a breath before he sits up suddenly and kisses me.
I gasp in surprise, and he takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss, sliding his tongue into my mouth and making me moan. I slide my hands into his hair and tug on the strands. He groans and grips my hips in his hands, grinding me down onto his rapidly hardening length. I pull back to whisper.
“Upstairs. Now.”
He stands with me still in his arms, and I wrap my legs around his waist as he carefully makes his way upstairs and to my bedroom. He quietly closes the door and locks it before walking over to my bed and sitting down on the edge. He yanks my shirt over my head and lowers his mouth to suck and nip at my cleavage. I squirm on his lap and reach between us to cup his erection constricted by his slacks. The material is thin enough that I can feel his heat.
“I need to be inside of you right now. This isn’t going to be sweet and slow, baby. I need to feel you come apart around me. A week is too long.”
His words are frantic, and I quickly climb off his lap to undress. He stands and does the same, and for a moment, it’s a frenzy of flying clothes until we are both naked. I place my hands on his chest and push him until he sits back down on the edge of the bed, then I climb back over him and grab his length to line him up with my entrance. I slowly slide down onto him, and we both moan at the sensation.
“You always feel so amazing.”
Chandler wraps his arms around my back, placing one hand on my butt and the other threading through my hair. He lowers his head to lick and kiss as much of my breasts as he can, and I can’t help but start rocking my hips. The feel of him inside of me too good to keep still.
“That’s it, baby. Ride me.”
I’m already panting, and as I place my hands on his shoulders and lift up, I know that he was right about this being quick. After sleeping with him once and constantly dreaming about us having sex this whole week, I need a release fast.
I don’t know if it’s from the years being apart, but each time we’ve been together has been frantic and fast, with each of us racing to the finish line as quickly as we can.
I start to set a quick rhythm, lifting up slowly before quickly slamming back down. The moans and groans that are coming from him just make me hotter and hotter. I want to keep making him make those sounds. It drives me closer and closer to my orgasm.
Every sensation feels like it’s been amped up to the extreme. I let my head fall back as I wrap my arms around Chandler’s neck. His hands keep me up and provide just the right amount of support for me to lean back and move my hips faster against him.
“You look so sexy right now, fuck. I love watching you ride me.”
I can’t catch my breath as I push us both closer to our release. Chandler releases his grip on my butt and slides his hand around to my front, pressing his thumb on my clit and making me yell out.
“Come for me, Tanya. Let go and fall apart for me.”
His thumb circling my clit and his words are all it takes to push me over the edge. He takes over thrusting up inside of me, and as I reach that pinnacle point, he thrusts into me one more time; using the grip on my hips to pull me down on him, he shouts as he too reaches his release.
We stay like that while we catch our breaths. Chandler’s head resting on my chest while I run my fingers through his hair.
“I want to take you somewhere.”
He sits up to look at me.
“What do you mean?”
“I booked us a trip to the Maldives for a week. Just the two of us. I think we need some time alone to get reacquainted with each other. Especially if we are going to go ahead with the marriage.”
The Maldives for a week?
“What about Sophia?”
He looks nervous about my reaction.
“I talked to Kayla before I came to the school, and she said she’s okay with watching over her for us while we get away. You have time to decide; I booked it for the week of your birthday. I figured we can celebrate all the ones I missed at once.”
I hear Ms. Poppy’s voice in my head and her words from earlier today.
Don’t let fear stop you from getting back to the man you’re meant to be with.
“Do you want to think about it before giving me your answer?”
Don’t hold yourself back, Tanya.
Shaking my head no, I say, “No, I would love to go away with you for a week.”
His smile is blinding as he kisses me.
If we can make it to my birthday without any issues, then I’ll know that we have a chance. We’ve been doing so well and getting along so nicely, what could possibly go wrong now?