16. Chandler
16
CHANDLER
Tanya stares up at me, her eyebrows furrowed low over her eyes, her forehead crinkled. I have no idea what she could possibly have to tell me that has her looking so anxious. I pull her closer to my body, wrapping my arms around her hips, needing her close for both my comfort and to give her some.
This look has crossed her face many times since I found her. It’s like she waiting for something to happen. Like she was preparing to run. If I’m being honest, the look scares me. I believe it when she looks like she is going to run, and I don’t know how to make sure that she doesn’t.
“You can tell me anything. I’ll be right here.”
She looks down at her hands on my chest and starts rubbing her fingers back and forth across my skin. It’s very distracting, and I have to work at focusing on her face. Having her naked form pressed into me and her hands touching me is not really a good time for a serious conversation.
She doesn’t say anything for a while, and now I’m starting to really worry.
“Tanya, what is it?”
She inhales a slow breath, holds it a second, then lets it out just as slowly.
“I’m pregnant.”
I hear the words that she says. I understand each word, but my brain doesn’t absorb them.
“I’m sorry, what?”
I stare at her in shock. This isn’t what I thought she was going to tell me at all. I think over the last few days and how she’s been trying to hide that she’s been nauseous. I thought maybe she was just embarrassed about being sick, so I didn’t want to make it worse.
“You’re pregnant?”
She finally looks up at me and nods.
“I’ve been feeling sick, so I went into the store to get something to settle my stomach; when I saw the tests, it hit me. I don’t remember how I felt when I first got pregnant with Sophia, so I didn’t know, but when I saw them, I instantly knew. So I bought two tests and just got finished taking them; they both say I’m pregnant.”
She’s rambling, and when she stops to breathe, I cup her face in my hands, my thumbs rubbing her cheeks.
“Sophia is going to be the best big sister.”
Her eyes well with tears.
“She is, but I’m scared. This is not the right time to be having another child.”
I can admit that there are better times for this kind of thing, but it doesn’t make me any less excited.
“Is that the only reason you’re scared? Because you think the timing isn’t right?”
She avoids my eyes again and that nagging feeling I have that she’s going to bolt grows stronger.
Her next words come out in a whisper. “We don’t know each other, Chandler.”
“I know you are worried about not knowing me, but you did at one point, enough to have a child with me, doesn’t that tell you something? I know you better than anyone in the world, I know everything I need to.”
“You used to know me. It’s been nine years, even without the amnesia, I’m a completely different person.”
My heart breaks at her doubt. I had thought we were making progress. That we were moving forward in the right direction, but now I find out it was just me.
I need to do damage control.
“If you think we need to slow down, we can. I know I said that we should get married for Soph and for my business, but we can just stay engaged for a while if marrying me makes you uncomfortable.”
I cringe saying the words. I would do anything to marry her, but I understand that all of this is overwhelming for her. No matter how desperate I am to have her be mine officially, I need to slow down.
She looks up at me and her eyes dart back and forth between mine, looking for some kind of answer.
“I don’t know what I want to do. Everything is so confusing.”
I move my hands from her face and put them back on her hips. I don’t want her to feel crowded by me.
“So why don’t we slow down? We stay engaged, we celebrate our daughter and new baby, and we take the rest day by day?”
Her shoulders drop away from her ears, and I can tell that this plan makes her feel a bit better.
“I know that feeling like we don’t know each other is causing you stress, and I know that you are concerned about my workload, but I can promise you that I’m going to do better. I am going to be better. I’m going to scale back on my work, hire more people, and I’m going to be present in our kids’ lives and be there for you as well. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you don’t regret this.”
The tears that have been filing her eyes as we speak finally spill over, and I wipe them away with my knuckle.
“Everything that you are worried about now will work out. We will figure everything out and give our kids the best life possible.”
I don’t let her look away from me this time; I want her to see that I mean every word. I want her to look into my eyes and know that I’m telling the truth without a doubt.
“Do you think that it’s a problem that we are having this very serious conversation while we are standing completely naked in the Indian Ocean?”
A roar of laughter bursts out of me at her words.
“I do think we could have chosen a better place for it, but what better way to bare our souls, right?”
She smiles and sniffles. I hate to see her so upset.
“Come on; it’s your birthday. You aren’t supposed to be upset and crying.”
I take one step back and take her hands in mine, leading her a little further out into the water until it’s up to our chests. A shame to cover up her amazing body, but I want her to enjoy the moment. To laugh and have fun.
She wraps her arms around my neck, and because of our height difference, she ends up just floating in the water, her feet kicking to keep her above water.
“Are you happy about the baby?”
I know she’s only asking because she’s worried about how everything is going turn out. I smile reassuringly at her and bring my face closer to hers, kissing her nose, then eyes, then forehead.
“I am thrilled. We are going to have two beautiful children, but I think we should definitely have a boy this time.”
She snorts at me.
“Why? Wanna even the odds?” Her question makes me chuckle.
“Definitely. Plus, a little boy with your deep emerald green eyes and my blonde hair? He’d be fucking adorable.”
She smiles, and I can tell that she’s picturing us having a baby boy. I get caught up in a daydream of what our future could look like too. The four of us together, Tanya, Sophia, the new baby, and me. A happy little family living in New York City. It would be a dream come true for a future I didn’t even think I wanted.
Tanya pulls me from my thoughts when she pushes away from me and starts swimming around. I watch her enjoy the feel of the water; it’s warmer than I thought it’d be.
That feeling clutches at my gut again. She’s pregnant with my child, and I still get the feeling that she’s going to slip through my fingers. I don’t know if it’s because the last time she was pregnant she disappeared from my life for nearly a decade, or if it’s the look in her eyes. The one that looks like she’s preparing to say goodbye to me. I don’t know what more I can do to prove to her that this is where she belongs.
It kills me that she doesn’t remember the year we were together, but even if she never regains her memories, it won’t matter to me. I will tell her everything she wants to know, and if she doesn’t want to know any of it, that’s fine too. We can have a beautiful life with our children and never think about it again.
She swims closer to me, and I gently take her arm and pull her to me, sinking into the water so we are face to face.
“What are you thinking about?”
She shrugs and a smile pulls at my lips. I love whenever I can see Sophia in her. They are so similar.
“I know you want Soph and I to move in to your penthouse, but I don’t know if I can give up my cabin. It’s where I raised Sophia for all of her life. We’ve made a life in Willow Creek. It’s our home, and we have people we love there. They have been our family for the last nine years; I can’t just leave them behind.”
“Then don’t give up your cabin.”
She turns her face to me and gives me an incredulous look.
“We can’t keep the cabin and have two penthouse apartments, Chandler. That’s not only crazy, but it’s also greedy.”
I smile at her adorable outrage and pull her even closer to my body; I need to distract her from her thoughts.
“Well, then you and Soph are just going to have to give up your apartment and move in with me. That or sell the cabin.”
I wink at her to let her know I’m teasing, and she rolls her eyes at me.
“You know, you’ve taught our daughter that nasty habit. I think I’m going to have to break it out of you.”
Her eyes darken and my groin tightens.
“And how exactly do you think you’re going to do that?”
I slide my hands down her sides and grip her thighs in my hands, pulling her up so that her legs are on either side of me, but I don’t let her wrap them around me. Her breathing picks up and her look tells me that I have her right where I want her. Before she can do anything, I stand quickly and toss her further out into the water. She lets out a squeal before going under, and I’m laughing when she surfaces.
“You ass!”
This only makes me laugh harder, and I can see her trying to hide her smile. I swim to her, my smile not fading, and cup her face in my hands.
“We will figure everything out. Right now, it’s your birthday, and I want to make you feel special.”
I kiss her softly, letting her feel how precious she is to me.
We are going to have a wonderful life, Tanya, please trust me.
We spend hours on the beach, going back and forth between the water to swim and laying out on chairs, the nice, warm night breeze brushing over us. It reminds me of before the accident, like the old times, but even better. Everything is perfect between us, and nothing can ruin it.