12. Chapter 12 #3
It’s times like this, when I see my brother rocking back and forth without a word, that I really feel sorry for him.
Sorry that I didn’t share the same trauma as him, and sorry that I had no idea what it felt like to lose my dad the way he did.
I think deep down, that’s why I have this need to help children, because I’ve never been able to help him.
Being the younger sibling, I’ve been burdened by protection.
Even after years of therapy, relationships, and even getting married, my brother still struggled with all of it.
But his therapist told me something a few years ago when he invited me to attend a session with him: that comfort was the best solution.
There were times when he needed time-outs because he had strayed too far, and any uncomfortable situation that drove him to immediate stress caused him to shut down and relive the trauma he faced.
I push away my urge to cry, seeing him like this and climb into the tub behind him, clutching my arms around his chest as tightly as I can.
Even at the age of thirty-one, my big brother still needed my help from time to time, and even if I have to spend the next hour sitting here with him, I’ll do it.
Being there for LJ is something I’d be willing to give up the world for, and I’d do it without question.
As I would for everyone I love.
I sit there, squeezing him between my legs and remind him of three things.
One that I was right here, two that he was okay and three that it was normal to freak out in a situation like this.
Our Gran was far from the normal kind, yet she still baked us cookies or made our favourite meals if we asked.
But LJ and I are still adjusting to this new side of her; she only shared with Ji-ji when he was still alive.
It’s moments like this where I missed him; he usually knew exactly how to keep Gran in check, and would spend hours sitting with LJ and singing him old trot songs like ‘You, My Beloved’ by Kim Young-Im or Love Battery by Hong Jin-young to help soothe him.
I didn’t know the words since the memory of hearing those songs, but I had heard Ji-ji hum them so often that I could hum them.
A few minutes later, LJ is feeling better. Still a bit queasy when there’s a knock on the door. I climb out of the bath to answer it, already knowing who it is.
Unlocking the door to see Macy standing there, one hand on her stomach and her face flushed from all the laughter, as we switch places. Her, entering the bathroom while I step out into the hallway. As I turn to close the door, I see Macy rest on the side of the bath and pull LJ’s head into her lap.
“I’m sorry, babe, we got a little too intense for you, didn’t we?” she apologises, stroking his hair as the door clicks shut.
There were many reasons why Macy and my brother’s relationship really didn’t make sense, but then again, there were times like this when it did.
LJ knew how far to push before Macy got mad, and Macy knew exactly how to comfort LJ when he needed it the most. I left the two of them and headed back towards the dining table to help Gran clean up.
“How is he?” Gran asks, feeling guilty now that the laughter had died down. I find her in the kitchen, making a start on the dishes as I place the last of them in the sink and wrap my arms around her.
“He’s better now. Got a bit of a stomach-ache but he’ll live.” I reveal, assuring her, resting my head on her shoulder. We don’t say anything for a while; we just stand there, her looking ahead and me with my arms still wrapped around her.
“Your Grandfather was so much better at this than I am.” Gran sighs, still gazing at the wall in front of her.
Her voice was still laced with guilt and was laced with the fact that in times like these, she secretly wished God had taken her instead of Ji-ji, a fact I only know because she voiced it once.
When she was in the hospital after breaking her hip.
“You and Ji-ji both have your strengths and weaknesses, Gran, and LJ loves both of you regardless of that,” I reassure her, hoping it soothes her as she reaches up to pat my hand resting on her stomach with her soapy fingers.
Both of us fell silent again. I knew she still felt so much guilt.
Growing up, LJ and I were a lot closer to Ji-ji; he was the one who had a softer approach to things.
With LJ’s mental state and my abandonment issues, Ji-ji always knew exactly what to do and say, whereas Gran never understood the concept of such things and how to cope with them other than to accept them and let it go.
This past year has been so tough on all of us, but Gran the most. She not only lost the love of her life without warning, but she was left with two grown grandchildren, whom, even after years of raising them, she wasn’t able to bond with the same way Ji-ji did.
She worked hard to give us everything she could, and she never missed a single milestone, no matter what it cost her, but she has always been a tightly closed book.
One she wouldn’t let anyone read but Ji-ji, and with him gone, I think her exploring that questionable side of her was her adjusting to her new life without him.
Something I started to figure out after I moved in the week she came home from the hospital. She was a little drowsy from the medication, but suddenly started asking me about my past relationships, how my part-time jobs were going or if I’d made any progress with my dream.
At first, I was so taken aback by it that I only told her small things at first, but eventually every conversation we had after that was either about how important it was to strive towards what you want in life, or it was about wanting to know the ins and outs of my love life.
Including my disturbingly small yet eventful list of ex-boyfriends who Gran luckily couldn’t lay her hands on, being stuck in bed or because Macy had got there first.