22. Chapter 22 #5
I’m not proud of how poorly it was executed, but a fake phone call, which is what allowed me to slip out of the flat mostly unnoticed as I made my way down to my car. Once I was safely inside, I clutched the steering wheel and allowed myself to breathe.
Slipping into a brief panic attack now that I was alone, letting the voice inside my head recall all the mistakes I’ve made today alone, agreeing to come here, not escaping when I had the chance, learning what it’s like to have a new sense of family I’ll never experience myself and worst of all, if this particular family find out who my mother is…
It truly could be the end of me, in more ways than one.
For Theo’s sake, I can’t let that happen. After a few shaking breaths, I reached for my phone. I threw it into the passenger seat when I climbed in to contact Nigel for help, when I sensed a figure standing outside.
The windows are tinted black, so thankfully, they hadn’t witnessed me fall apart. I pull myself back together with a hand raking through my hair, place my phone to my ear and wind the window down, revealing just who I assumed it would be.
“I hope I’m not interrupting your call. I just wanted to check up on you.
I know you’d probably prefer working to sitting around watching some travelling show,” Luna says with a small smile, awakening something inside me that makes me want to pull her in through the window and hold her so tight that everything I just suppressed evaporates, but I fight the urge, channelling it into the fist wrapped around the steering wheel instead.
“I have no issue with travelling; I did quite a lot as a child, but as you said, I have work to do,” I reply almost too quickly, wanting her to take the hint I’d like to be alone, but she doesn’t seem to budge.
“I’m finishing up a call, so please head back up and enjoy time with your family,” I add, only allowing the words to make me shiver on the inside as she leans into the car to get a better look at me.
“Are you sure? I mean, I’ve seen that show so many times I’ve lost count, My Gran is obsessed with Joan Walters,” she laughs, and my biggest regret is the grimace I make at the mention of that name, if she notices it, she doesn’t let me know instead, she pauses for a few seconds, then walks round to put Theo’s backpack, I didn’t realise she was holding on the floor of the passenger seat.
“You’re busy; let’s make our way home. I’m sure Gran won’t complain too much if we leave now. Let me just say my goodbyes and grab Theo,” she recites with a small smile, turning her back towards me.
“And if you don’t want to come back up, it’s okay,” she adds, looking at me over her shoulder, then disappears into the building when a feeling that doesn’t surface very often washes over me.
Guilt.
My pathetic use of an escape has made me feel guilty for breaking the routine of her family dinner, guilty that a normal person would at least pretend she wasn’t the cause of my discomfort and encourage her to stay longer if that’s what she wanted, but at the same time, I wasn’t normal and couldn’t be grateful to be going home.
As much as I want to take her up on her offer, and not want to go back up there. I can think of someone who’d taken no shame in yanking me by the ear for being so disrespectful that I put my big boy pants back on for the second time tonight and make my way back upstairs.
I take sleeping Theo from Luna as we say our goodbyes and allow Luna to take the heat as Gran tries to express how much she’d like it if we did this again next week, then we make our way home.
The drive was silent, much like it was last week, only this time, no jokes were cracked, no questions were asked or avoided; I just basked in the silence that Luna offered.
Not that I had much left in me to force conversation; I was overwhelmed in a way I didn’t know how to come back from, apart from ignoring it, so that’s what I did.
The same way I ignored how Luna put me first. She has no idea what was going on in my head or why I was desperate to leave, but she read the involuntary sign I’d held out and helped me escape. It made my heart beat in a whole new way, a dangerous one.
One that can’t be tolerated.
Despite the looming thoughts of needing to thank Luna for helping me leave her happy family environment, the sting of guilt for taking that time away from her loved ones and, worst of all, without my lack of upbringing, tonight could have been much more enjoyable had I not been bred to be incapable of feeling things like love.
So I let regret hold me by the throat; I chose to hide behind denial as we pulled up at home, and after Luna had hauled sleeping Theo out of the car, with hers and his bag hanging from one arm, I told her I had somewhere to go and shamefully drove away before she could respond, only catching a glimpse of her defeated look in the rear-view mirror.
She may never understand why I had to leave, but I knew why I had to.
It was either I leave or…Or I really would end up down a one-way street with her being the final destination.