35. Chapter 35 #3
Worst of all, I always had my reservations about Oliver from the very beginning, yet I took the job and chose to sleep with him. I was the problem here.
“I want you to be honest with me,” I whisper.
“Honest about what?” Oliver sighs again, doing whatever he can to end this conversation.
“Did all of this really mean nothing to you, because I wouldn’t sign a piece of paper?
Was it just an opportunity for you to have childcare and get your dick wet at the same time?
Because I tortured myself with worry earlier, and you made it clear that I’m forbidden to ask you things that aren’t in my job description.
” I state, glaring coldly at him with unshed tears and just like I did on the day we first met, I refuse to break eye contact first.
“Though I’d also like to point out that trying to contact you tonight was a part of my job because you broke your promise to your little brother. Before you turn that on me, too.” I add while Oliver clenches his teeth as well as his fists.
“I can’t do this right now. You know how I feel, so can we just resume this in the mor-” he stumbles after taking a shallow breath in and out.
“No, Oliver. I have no idea how you feel because you avoid any form of verbal declaration, so tell me now where I stand.”
“You aren’t a calendar girl, and you will never be a calendar girl. That should be declaration enough. You’ve never asked for a label before; we both agreed to just explore this and see where it goes, so why-”
“-and whilst exploring it, I have to put up with your dick-ish behaviour?” he furrows his brows at my interruption.
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about you treating me like I’m just the nanny, when you don’t want to talk about things,” I point out, still glaring at him.
“I haven’t-”
“You have. For the last week and a half, you’ve been giving me the cold shoulder, shutting me down when I’ve tried to ask you what’s wrong; you won’t touch me, avoid me like the plague, Y-you left yesterday…without saying goodbye to me.” I choke out, clearing the lump in my throat.
I’m at my limit.
“Just tell me, so I can move on because I can’t keep doing this.” I recite as my chest slowly rises and falls in defeat.
“This all started when your mother showed up, and I haven’t pressed you about it because clearly you and her have some unresolved issues b-” my words are cut by belted aggression, loud enough to alert the neighbours, but thankfully doesn’t wake Theo.
“SHUT UP,” Oliver roars, with his chest heaving and fists shaking.
“You don’t know a fucking thing about me, and you think after sleeping with me a few times, you have the right to bury your nose into my life.
I know what your problem is now: you think because you’ve bonded with my boy and seen me naked, you have the right to demand what I can and can’t tell you? ”
He growls, towering over me.
“But let’s get one thing straight, shall we? Your only job is to make the school run and watch my child until I get home. We may have crossed a line, but you don’t have permission to pry, so unless you want to go back to dead-end part-time jobs, you hold your tongue.”
My tear ducts choose to burst; although my face remains stern, I’m no longer able to tame the hot liquid rolling down my cheeks.
The worst part is, I knew his words were being fuelled by the alcohol, coming from a place of hurt; he refuses to help me mend.
We just keep going in circles, and if I have any respect for myself left, it’s time to wave the white flag.
I care deeply for a man who isn’t capable of reciprocating that same care.
He is unable to share the vulnerability that comes with having a partner.
Oliver really was a man of his word. His say was final, and though I chose to linger in the pool of delusion these last few days, I had his answer all along.
“Understood.” I nod, tasting my tears as they reach my lips. With that, I turn away and head out of the kitchen.
Our conversation has met its ugly end, and my aim now is to retire to my bedroom,
“…Luna, you know what I meant.” His murmurs are low, reaching for my arm, his grip loose enough that I can escape it.
“I do, and I now know where I stand from here on out. I apologise for crossing a boundary. It’ll never happen again.” I recite professionally, despite the tear-stained face. I re-attempt to go back to my room, but his bulk of a body blocks the stairway.
“Look, this is exactly why I didn’t want to talk about this right now, but you kept pushing and pushing, I-” he pleads, trying to mend things, but the damage is done.
“I know. I’m done pushing, now if you’ll excuse me.” I prompt politely, trying to get past him.
Oliver doesn’t budge.
“I may not be perfect, but I’ve dealt with most of my demons and have learnt that other people’s issues and shortcomings are not mine to fix.” Oliver looks at me, confused as ever. While I swat my fresh tears away and try to step around him, but he still stands his ground.
“Oliver.” I sigh deeply. “I’ve been awake since six am, I’m exhausted and need to be up early tomorrow, so I’d like to go to bed. Please move,” I add blankly.
I had no more emotions to give.
Oliver reaches for my chin, and I turn away, but he still makes me look at him. It hurts to look at him. I bore my gaze into his like he wants.
“Fine, but I’m not done talking about this, so we’re going to talk properly tomorrow, when you get home.
” He states, and in return, I do something he taught me how to do.
Keep my walls up, stare with no expression.
Either way, it’s become clear that sober or not, Oliver will always do what suits him best. His way or the highway.
The only upside to that is I don’t have to live that way, not if I don’t want to anymore.
Without giving him a response, he caves. I reject his grip on my chin and barge past him. Jogging my way up the stairs, down the hall and reaching my bedroom in time to lock the door shut as his ostrich-length legs catch up and softly rap on the door.
Ignoring it, along with the jiggle of the door to check if it’s locked. I watch him stand in front of my door, his shadow still under the door until eventually it disappears, and I crumble to the floor. Wailing gently into the carpet, without a care if he can hear me or not.
The pain, the panic, the fear of death and the exhaustion of falling in love with my boss are laid bare and vibrate through my body. I did this to myself; I signed a contract, I gave consent to sleep with him and fell knowing I couldn’t handle the brutally casual setting - now I’m paying the price.
Unsure of how long I remained here on my hands and knees. Clinging to the carpet, soaked with my tears. But the early rise of morning peeks through the window, and I peel myself off the floor, rid myself of my sweat-stained clothing and let the scorching water burn my skin awake.
As I step out of the shower and stare at my gloomy expression in the mirror, my stomach cramps anxiously at the thought of continuing the toxicity of this job.
Could I continue to do this, just because I cared deeply for the child in my care?
I love Theo with all my heart, but after last night.
I don’t think I have the strength to continue the push and pull that came with his older brother.
My body screamed for rest, but the thought of resting, sleeping in this house, sent bile up my throat.
So, instead, I dressed myself in a pastel sweatpants set and pulled my suitcase out from under the bed.
Deciding to get out while I could still think rationally and before either of the Walters brothers was able to reel me back in.
It’s sad, but an hour later, everything I owned was hauled into LJ’s car, which just made me feel stupid for having a moving company haul the same amount of stuff into a large moving van when the stuff that summed up my sad life easily fit in the back of my brother’s Honda Civic.
I was so convinced my life was on to bigger and better things when I first moved into the Walters residence - now I was leaving with no more than I came with.
The thought of never seeing Theo again was enough to cause one of my heartstrings to pop, but my attachment to that perfect little boy can’t be the reason I stay here - words I told myself as I closed my bedroom door and slipped into his to whisper a goodbye.
I burn the memory of him sleeping peacefully in my mind and lean down to gently kiss his forehead. After last night, I knew he’d be out for longer, so would his drunk brother.
Which is why leaving is now or never.
“I’ll see you soon, sweetie,” I whisper, knowing my statement wasn’t exactly true as I made my way downstairs, placed my key on its hook with my house slippers in hand.
Opening the door, my heart punching my ribcage, I looked down at LJ waiting in the car, battling the exhaustion that came with having a newborn, yet he came through for me, the kind of brother who picked up the call in the early hours of the morning and came to get me without question asked.
Now standing in the doorway, I waited.
Hoping there would be something, one last sign that would tell me not to leave, maybe I was hoping for Oliver to bolt down the stairs and stop me, but when nothing came, I closed the door.
Knowing I’d probably never walk back into this house again. I said goodbye.
Goodbye to Theo, goodbye to the memories I made in this house and goodbye to Oliver.
LJ starts up the car, and from that moment, I no longer see the house through the back window. I let the necessary tears fall as it was time to start letting go.