39. Chapter 39 #3
“I broke the wardrobe because I had to get rid of every reason that would tempt me to stay. Mario was the only man I hadn’t told to his face that I was leaving him.
Just the thought of the look he’d give me.
I couldn’t bear the guilt, so I ran; we ran.
It was the easy way out, though you didn’t help at all.
I resented you for a while, the way you cried, begged to go back and constantly tried to run away every time we landed in an airport.
It was the only time in your life where you refused to behave, and it made my job so much harder. ”
“We’re never going back there, Oliver. Stop this foolishness, I’ve had enough.”
The words suddenly unlock in my mind, and it all comes back to me.
The way my mother shook me by the shoulders, the growl of anger while yelling at me for the first time, the piercing glare - as a kid, it terrified me.
Scared me straight, as they say, buried in a deeper part of my brain as protection from trauma.
It reminds me of Theo, once we realised we were leaving the UK.
He’d acted almost identically to me, protesting that he wouldn’t leave Luna behind.
We may have different fathers, but Theo was me, through and through.
Yet another reason I needed to get him back to London, tearing him away from the person he loves, means I’m not better than my mother.
It’s wrong, and I don’t think I could handle the resentment he’ll hold against me if I followed in our mother’s footsteps.
“I always knew the bond you made with Mario ran a whole lot deeper than the one you and I had. The only connection we have is that I gave you life, something I hope is enough for you one day, because it is for me,” she nods.
“I don’t know where Mario is or whether or not he is even still alive, but I do know he loved you just as much, maybe even more than he loved me.
” Mother adds in a soft tone I’m not familiar with before pushing on her knees to stand.
“Do give Theo his present when you see fit,” she suggests, as our little heart-to-heart had come to an end. She answered all three of my questions, and although this kind of conversation probably won’t ever happen again, I’ve taken what I need from it.
I led her to the door in silence and even helped her into her coat. She then looks as if…she’s going to hug me. But decides against it, tugging her brand-new Louis Vuitton purse on her shoulder and turning to leave.
“I thought you should know-” I start, as she faces me again. “Mario is alive; he still works as a carpenter, and he looks well. I’m actually flying out to see him tonight.” I reveal. Turns out I didn’t need Min-Joon’s help for this. The talk with my mother made me want to see him more.
“I have a photo if you’d like to see, just let me get my p-” I reach into my pocket, but she tugs me forward and into a surprise hug. My body turns rigid under her touch, unsure whether to hug her back or not, so I just let her take the lead.
“That won’t be necessary. I put an end to that part of my life years ago and don’t intend on going back,” she replies, patting.
“I understand,” I respond, gently leaning into the hug and wrapping my arms around her. She sighs softly during the embrace, and I feel her shut her eyes against my shoulder.
“I will never be able to love you the way you want me to. But I am proud you’re my son and thank you for always picking up where I lack,” she declares.
My eyes start to burn, but I quickly blink the feeling away.
Opening up to my feelings has made me a big softie, and I didn’t like it one bit.
Mother gives me one last gentle pat on the back and pulls away.
“Thank you for sharing what you did with me,” I thank her, and we share a nod.
“There isn’t much you took from me, Oliver, but maybe if you try to live the life you want, I can at least see a glimpse of myself in you,” she suggests, but then laughs at the way I furrow my brows.
Not because I disagree, but because it felt as though she knew I was already fighting for the life I wanted; I just… didn’t know how she knew that.
“I’ll try,” I reply simply.
We then say one last goodbye, while she opens the door and steps over the threshold. Once she does, I go to close the door, but stop when I see her turn around again.
“I don’t have a favourite. Although Theo is more like me than you are, my feelings toward either of you don’t differ,” she adds with a small smile.
A sense of understanding sets in as I nod back.
It’s like she said; she can’t love me the way she does Theo.
I’ve always known that, but I’ve finally accepted it.
Created and found my own family, and maybe that’s why I can accept that she won’t ever be part of it.
“And one last thing, if Theo is ever up for travelling with me in the future, you will let him, won’t you?” she pleads gently. My immediate instinct is to refuse, but then I remember that socially, Theo and our mother are quite alike, so I give her the best I can offer right now.
“I’ll think about it,” and with that, I close the door.