Chapter 10 #2
My breath caught as the intimacy of his hold stretched around me, and I was reminded of the encounters we’d shared along my hunt.
It would be so easy to fall back into those feelings. So easy, because I didn’t want any of what came with my new life, and I desperately wished for someone to take it from me or make me forget or make me believe that it wasn’t real.
I didn’t want to wear extravagant gowns or go to betrothal balls or put potions on my food to ensure my safety or meet someone suitable so I could bear royal babies.
And I wanted to work. I wanted to return to my studies, continue my research, and once again spend my days within the Whiteolf Academic Library, then visit Ree for dinners and casual teas.
I wanted my old life, not a royal life. If given a choice, I would have chosen Gwen, Timith, Aunt Opalin, Uncle Roosep, Ree, the library, and my prior apartment. It was all so much smaller than the life of a princess, but I’d never minded small.
My heartbeat kicked up again, thrumming in my chest, because as much as I wished for that life, it didn’t matter.
That life was gone now. Forever vanished, and it was never coming back.
Oh Gods.
My chest began to shrink, my lungs closing in. The urge to flee, run, disappear had my knees bending, and—
“Close your eyes.” Kole’s mouth was at my ear, and his quiet words flowed over me.
“What?” I responded, my voice shrill.
“Close your eyes. Please.”
I straightened my legs and did as he asked. Eyes closed, I stood there, and on my next inhale, the sound of the sea increased, and the feel of Kole’s hands on my hips stole all of my attention.
“Listen to the waves. The wind. The birds.” He still stood so close, still whispered his requests into my ear.
My lips parted, and I concentrated on what he was asking.
Cawing from seabirds filled the air, stealing my attention first. I hadn’t even noticed that. And the waves made a hypnotic sound, crashing and waning, rising and falling. Over and over. Again and again.
“Smell the breeze. Smell the subtle differences in the air.” His voice was deep, quiet, soothing.
The scent of salt came to me first, then the hint of shore grass.
I kept my eyes closed, and slowly, the aching constriction in my chest eased, and the impulse to vanish dimmed.
Nothing but nature surrounded me.
Lulling waves.
Cawing birds.
Blissful scents.
My heartbeat slowed even more, and the aura from the warrior wrapped around me.
“That’s it. Take it all in. Just listen, smell, feel.” His hands tightened ever so slightly on my hips, and that thing throbbed in my chest again.
Moments ticked by. Moments in which I used the realm around me to reconnect with peace.
When I finally felt like I could breathe again, truly breathe, I opened my eyes.
Kole still stood directly behind me, still held me.
His presence was warm and steady, as though he was a beacon in a churning storm, beckoning safety.
I only had to stay near him, and he would shelter me from it all.
He’d take the brunt of the storm, wrapping his large frame around me to cocoon me within, and he would never think twice about the savage waves pounding against his back.
I didn’t know how I knew that, but I did. Despite hiding so much from me when we’d first met, Kole genuinely wanted to help me. Protect me. And even though he’d deceived me, it suddenly hit me that he’d never wanted to.
My initial impression of him had been one of trust. Somewhere deep inside me, I had felt that I could trust him completely, that I could trust in who he really was. And I had a feeling, if things were up to Kole, he never would have deceived me at all.
I turned in his arms as that enormous revelation fully hit me. I wanted to tell him how thankful I was for his help, that I wasn’t angry with him anymore as he perhaps thought I was, that—
He abruptly let go and stepped back, and in the moonlight, his eyes blazed.
I instantly missed the feel of his hands on me. But just as fast, I realized he’d only been holding me to help me de-stress from all that had happened, and he’d probably realized that since I was doing better, he no longer needed to be close.
Silently, he stood tall and strong, so achingly strong that the urge to touch him grew.
He’d been attracted to me during our hunt.
I was sure of that, just as I’d been attracted to him, but Kole kept his gaze averted, and I recalled the feel of his aura the previous day.
He’d felt guilt. Immense guilt for what he’d done.
Perhaps that guilt also extended to the likely fact that he was ethically bound to keep his distance from me, despite any attraction he might feel.
I wrapped my arms around my middle and accepted several facts as the sea air blew around us.
My life had irrevocably changed.
Kole wasn’t ill-intentioned and had likely never wanted to hurt me.
And any attraction between us would ultimately lead nowhere.
My parents’ words of an arranged marriage whispered through my consciousness again.
Quietly, I said to Kole, “Thank you. For doing that.”
He dipped his head, his mask once again firmly in place. For the briefest second, his aura pulsed, but he quickly locked it down. “It helped?”
I nodded. “Immensely. How did you know this was what I needed?”
His lips curved, just slightly, and a part of me hoped that I would see his smile again, but it never fully formed. “It’s something warriors are trained to do after a battle, to center ourselves and to keep our focus sharp. I could feel you panicking and thought this may work.”
I smiled readily, and I hoped my grin would infect his own, but his gaze only dropped to my mouth, his movements stilling.
“I missed seeing your smile.” His words came out so quietly that I almost didn’t hear them, and he cleared his throat just as fast, as if he hadn’t meant to say that out loud.
I cocked my head. “Has it been gone long?”
“Longer than I’d like.” Surprisingly, he sounded annoyed by that fact.
His growl and grumpy demeanor brought back memories of our first week together. A laugh bubbled out of me. A genuine laugh filled me for the first time in what felt like weeks yet was likely only days.
I stepped back from the warrior and raised my arms, lifting my palms to the night sky as the breeze rushed around us and the moonlight glimmered on the waves.
“Well, I’m smiling and laughing now.” Sand sank around my slippered feet, and I began to spin, getting lost in the feeling of absolute freedom. Nobody was out here. There was nobody to see as I stopped being a princess for a few minutes and returned to my old self.
A soft chuckle reached my ears, and I stilled, facing the warrior once more. Kole was staring at me, a content look on his face, and a smile finally played upon his lips.
My heart stopped. “I’ve missed seeing your smile too.”
His expression wiped clean. “You have?”
I nodded.
“You mean, you don’t . . . hate me?”
I shook my head, my voice soft when I replied, “No, I could never hate you, Kole. I know you didn’t want to take the Stone from me.”
A huge surge of energy pounded through his aura. His nostrils flared, and I didn’t know if he was simply inhaling or detecting my scent, but before I could contemplate it further, a whip of magic cascaded around his wrist.
In an instant, his body turned as stiff as a board.
My eyebrows slammed together, and I glanced toward his hand as the sea and salty air blew around us. “What’s happening when that magic flares on your wrist?”
His jaw muscle pulsed, but he didn’t reply.
I took a step closer to him, and even though he held his ground, and I was hardly something to flinch at, his entire body seemed to tighten even more. “Kole?” I gazed up at him, questioning.
“It’s a reminder.” His reply was hesitant, tentative, as if he didn’t want to tell me.
“Reminder of what?”
His throat bobbed. A moment passed, and then another. Since he didn’t appear to want to answer, I let it go, knowing I needed to respect his choices and privacy. If there was one thing I knew about Kole, it was that he struggled to share personal information readily.
I was about to turn away, but then he said, “My vows. My duty.”
My heart swelled that he’d chosen to share that with me, but just as fast, his words reminded me of the exchanges I’d heard between him and Jamie. “Your vows and duty to whom?”
“The Imperial Council.”
Of course. I paused and threaded a lock of hair behind my ear.
Kole had said something to Jamie about vows, about duty, and how he hadn’t broken them.
Yet Jamie had seemed suspicious, as if Kole had broken his vows.
But that didn’t align with the Kole I knew.
Duty seemed to be woven into his very soul.
“Magic has appeared around your wrist before.” I cocked my head again. “Many times, in fact, if I remember right.”
“It has.”
“Is that some kind of strange Council magic that causes the flares? Or is it from a Solis affinity you possess?”
“It’s the Council’s magic.”
I arched an eyebrow and was reminded of our night in the cave, when he’d chosen to share things about himself then as well.
Similar to that night, an immense feeling of satisfaction filled me, so much so that I couldn’t help my teasing smile and playful response to his short replies.
“You’re back to your loquaciousness, I see. ”
His expression didn’t change, but I could have sworn that amusement lit his eyes. “I’m a male of many words.”
I laughed. “I’ve noticed.”
He stared at me for a heartbeat, and even though I could have sworn that he was about to smile, laugh even, he looked away.
A part of me hated that he was trying to put distance between us again, but I also knew that this was how Kole was made. He wasn’t one to share or reveal. The fact that he’d shared so much with me in the little time we’d known each other made pride course through me.
But I didn’t want to push him, so I used the moment to study him, to take in the slant of his eyebrows, the blueness of his eyes, the firmness of his lips, and his shaven jaw that was strong and square. I was once again struck by how attractive he was, how masculine everything about him appeared.
A flutter in my stomach hit me anew.
His gaze cut back to mine, his aura rising. Something heated in his eyes, and he stared at me, his attention unwavering. His gaze drifted to my mouth, his eyes growing hooded.
Just as fast, a whip of magic ensnared his wrist again.
He hissed. “We should go,” he said gruffly.
He stepped closer, his hand seeking mine, but when I felt his mistphasing magic begin to rise, I yanked back and blurted, “Wait.”
He paused, studying me, and his magic evaporated.
“What is your duty to the Council that makes the magic flare around your wrist?”
His jaw tightened, just the slightest bit.
I remained silent and waited, hoping he would tell me. I didn’t know why I wanted to know so badly, needed to know, but something told me it was important.
And as I stood there, waiting to see if he would respond, I realized that I’d forgiven him entirely for taking the Stone from me and deceiving me.
I’d never been one to hold grudges anyway or not forgive.
It wasn’t in my nature to hold onto negative things, and it struck me like a clap of thunder how duty-bound Kole truly was.
In a way, the warrior was no different from me now.
We were both pawns in the game of crowns, swords, and vows.
Both of us were bound to ties that couldn’t be cut, no matter if we wanted to slice them in two, and both of us were held to a standard that most fae could never fathom.
The meal with my parents and sisters had completely shed that new light on me, and Kole was right. I was a princess now. Certain things were expected of me. Just as certain things were expected of him as an Imperial Warrior.
The breeze continued to blow around us, and eventually, Kole inhaled, then said in a low voice, “When an Imperial Warrior swears an oath to the Council, part of that oath is a promise to never compromise any job the Council requests of him. In order to do that, a warrior must remain detached, impersonal, and distant.”
I frowned, my eyebrows drawing together as the sea air filled my senses. “And that magic, when it flares around your wrist, is a reminder of that oath?”
“It is.”
“But why would it flare so much? Surely, you haven’t forgotten your duties, especially if you so easily voiced it just now?”
“No, I haven’t forgotten. I never forget.” He glanced away again, and a slight groove appeared between his eyes.
“Then why does it flare?”
His jaw ticked once, his aura rising more. “Because I’m wanting to break my vow when that occurs. When the Council’s magic senses that, it reminds me of what I promised.”
Heart pounding, I thought back to the times I’d sensed it. There had been so many times when Kole and I had been alone together, and his Council magic had flared.
My heart began to thrum in my chest, galloping more with each breath I took. “Every time I’ve felt that magic flare, you’ve been with me.”
“Yes.”
“And you seemed to have been enjoying yourself, perhaps enjoying my company?”
A low rumble filled his chest. “Yes.”
I peered up at him, and his eyes were so vivid, so churning with unsaid words that my breath sucked in. “You’ve wanted to break your vow because you wanted to do things . . . with me? You didn’t want to remain distant?”
He abruptly glanced away and took a huge step back. “We should go.”
I opened my mouth to say more, to apologize for pushing him, but his hand abruptly enclosed mine, the only point of contact he allowed himself, and then I was whisked away in a flurry of mist and shadows, air and wind, and the sea and the budding conversation that had cracked the distance between the warrior and me disappeared.