Chapter 8 #2
“Never let them see you sweat,” Lauren whispered, as she sighed while hunting through her center console for Kleenex. “How did life get so bad for me, Demi?”
“Stop, Lo. Just hold tight. I’m turning around now. I’m on my way.”
Forty minutes later, Demi pulled into the parking space next to hers.
He was such a man. He never walked into a room without influencing the energy, and today was no different.
The look on his face told her he was in a mood as he approached her door.
He opened the door for her, and she climbed out.
His presence relieved her. She didn’t know why.
She hated him. She hated him for what he did to their family, but somehow, he was the only person that she could lean on right now.
How was the human heart so complex? To be able to love what hurt you and to hate what loved you was an anomaly.
Life was a complicated puzzle that Lauren thought she had put together, only God had flipped the table on her.
Now, all the pieces were scattered on the floor, some missing altogether, in fact.
How was she supposed to put things back together?
They walked into the church side by side, and this time, she didn’t feel so alone. She wondered how people made it through stuff like this by themselves. She was almost sure time alone would break her. She was being held together by a tiny thread, and it was threatening to snap at any moment.
Lauren led him right back to Pastor Dean’s office door, and then she stopped.
“You know what, Demi? Fuck this church.”
Demi frowned in confusion and scratched his temple. “You called me all the way here only to change your mind?” he asked. “If you want to have the service here, I’ll make it happen.”
“I know you will,” she said. “But we shouldn’t have to beg for support. This ain’t no church. This is just a building full of judgmental-ass people. My baby deserves better. I want him to be laid to rest by someone who cares.”
“And you couldn’t come to this conclusion before I raced to your side, Lo? I put off something important because you said you needed me here,” Demi said in frustration.
Lauren pulled back in offense. “Because I did need you here, Demi, but if it’s that much of an inconvenience, then maybe you should leave. I’m not begging anybody for things that should come naturally. Not anymore. Not even you.”
She turned on her heels and stormed out of the church.
She would need to figure out how to deal with things by herself because it felt like no one else wanted the burden of helping her through it.
She couldn’t be mad at anyone for that, not even Demi.
She knew she was responsible for her own emotions.
She just had to figure out how to manage them.
Simple things like remembering to breathe, climbing out the bed to use the bathroom, or even combing her hair felt like heavy tasks these days.
Being accountable to regulate her feelings when all she felt was a daunting abyss of agony felt impossible.
She would figure it out, however. She had no choice.
“Girl, turn around. Turn your ass around,” Lauren whispered to herself. She hoped her feet would follow orders, but instead, she found herself on the front porch, pressing one hand to a queasy stomach as she contemplated ringing the doorbell.
When Nyair pulled open the door, Lauren stood there hopeless, and with nothing to offer but a shrug.
“If you ask me what I’m doing here, I won’t be able to answer because I don’t know,” she said, voice cracking as her eyes misted.
“I won’t ask,” he said. “Come here.”
He pulled her into his arms and hugged her so tightly that she couldn’t help but release the rest of her tears. It was freezing outside, and he was shirtless as the wind whipped around them, but it didn’t matter. He held her silently until she was able to look up at him.
“Can I come in?” she asked.
He stepped aside and welcomed her. He removed her coat, tossed it over the back of the couch, and then offered her a seat. “I’ll be right back.”
He walked out of the room and returned moments later fully clothed. His black joggers were now accompanied by a matching hoodie. He kept his distance. Lauren didn’t miss his hesitation to cross the room. Instead, he leaned against the wall, arms folded across his chest.
“How can I help you, Lauren?” It was in his tone. The question was genuine, not a pleasantry that he had posed mindlessly.
“I feel bad, Nyair, and I’m not talking about the type of bad that a drink can dull or that sleep can wear off.
I feel like I want to die,” Lauren paused and rolled her eyes to the ceiling to try to stop gravity from pulling tears down her cheeks.
“The reason I woke up in the morning... The reason I went so hard for everything is gone, and I can’t stop my heart from breaking.
Every time I think about it, it’s like hearing it for the first time all over again.
I’ve prayed. I’ve screamed. I’ve cursed. Nothing stops this pain.”
Nyair’s brow was low. She had his complete focus. He didn’t speak, and she was grateful because she needed to keep speaking so she wouldn’t lose her momentum.
“I know you’re a man of God. I know you have things you should refrain from doing. I know we broke so many rules by even taking it as far as we did, but I need you to come take me out of this hole. I can’t think here. It’s dark, and I’m drowning, and I need you to make it all go away.”
“I’m just a man, Lauren. I’m not God. I can’t take it away, as much as I wish I could,” he said.
“That’s all I need you to be…” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “A man. Nyair, please take this away from me. You’re the only one I can ask. The only one I want.”
Nyair crossed the room, and she stood, twisting the rings on her fingers nervously.
“I’m not clear on what you’re asking me, Lo,” Nyair said, brow dipped in confusion because she wasn’t making sense.
“Fuck me, Nyair.” It couldn’t get any blunter than that.
Lauren wasn’t lust-filled. She wasn’t unfocused.
She was broken. She was numb. She needed to feel something other than this sinking, and when she was with Nyair, he made her feel like she could fly.
She was desperate for the distraction, desperate for love, even if it was temporary and contrived.
“It doesn’t have to mean anything, Ny. I just need this. I need it with someone I can trust.”
Lauren felt like she was disappointing him.
The look he bestowed on her shrunk her a bit.
Like she had performed under his expectations, but she didn’t want to be on anyone’s pedestal.
She wanted to do what other women did when something hurt, when life ground them under its feet and snubbed them out like a lit cigarette.
She wanted to search for fulfillment in all the wrong places.
If she could smoke it away, she would. If she could drink it away, she would already be under the bottle, but she knew that this loss was mightier than all addictions combined.
Sex, however, could outweigh it all. Sex with the right man, a man that made her feel like he could love her.
Every touch felt like care, and she needed to be taken care of.
The woman that had been strong for everyone else, now needed to be weak, but that was only allowed when you knew someone else was there to make sure you came out of the other side intact.
Demi was trying to be that for her, and the part of her that still loved him wanted to choose him for this, but the part of her that mistrusted him wouldn’t dare allow it.
Nyair was a man of God. He was a lifeline.
He was someone she may have fallen for if her world hadn’t suddenly fallen apart.
He wouldn’t mishandle her. That she knew for sure.
His attention would be keen. His hands purposeful.
His dick masterful. His intentions self-less.
“Lauren, do you hear yourself?” he asked. “This ain’t you.”
He took her face into his hands, and her cheeks warmed in his hold. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not selling my soul. I’m grown. I know exactly what I want and why.”
“You’re not even in your right mind, and when I’m inside you, neither am I. I forget my responsibilities, Lo. As a man. As a leader. I’m supposed to be a man of the cloth. Ask for prayer. Ask for charity. Ask me for something I can give you without losing favor, and it’s yours.”
Rejection didn’t feel like a rejection when it was delivered by an honorable man.
Lauren leaned her head into his palm and closed her eyes as he pulled her into an embrace.
Those strong arms hugged her so tightly that she wanted to escape there forever.
The sigh she released contained anxiety that had nestled in her for days.
“I don’t have anything else to live for,” she whispered.
“It will get lighter. It’s heavy, and you’ll never fully release it, but it will get easier to carry.
” He massaged the back of her neck with one hand and pulled her in tighter with the other.
The light stroke to the small of her back as he held her caused her heart to thunder.
“You can’t hold me like this, Ny, and then say no.
” He smelled so good, and her throat felt like it was closing as she tried to swallow.
“I should let go,” he murmured in her ear as his lips grazed her shoulder.
“Okay,” she answered. Neither of them moved.
“I got to let go,” he insisted.
“Okay.”
Still, they stood there, unmoving, except for that hand. His hand moved from her lower back to her hip, and he kneaded into her flesh as she felt him rise.
“You haven’t even called me. You didn’t even check on me,” she whispered.
“I couldn’t,” he replied. “I can’t control myself with you, Lauren. I’m a disciplined man, and I have none around you.”
“That’s not a bad thing,” Lauren whispered.
“Maybe we can heal each other. Whatever’s broken in you that you’re afraid I’m going to hurt again…
Maybe this can be good for us both because this is the closest I’ve felt to non-suicidal in days.
” He was hard for her. His need pressed into her so deliciously that it made her short of breath.
Her hands caressed the back of his neck, and he tensed at her seduction.
She wasn’t even trying; her femininity just oozed from her and onto him.
He wanted it. She felt it. She smelled it.
She squirmed in his arms, desperate for contact, for these clothes to disappear so he could transport her to another dimension.
“This ain’t healing, Lauren. This is gonna make it worse,” he hissed in her ear before helping himself to a handful of her. He gripped her ass mannishly, pulling her into his girth, temptation pushing his morals aside, biblical decorum out the window.
“It can’t get any worse,” she panted as she kissed his lips. His tongue tasted like a green apple Jolly Rancher, and she sucked on it as she kissed him greedily.
“Shit’s fucked up,” he whispered.
“So fucked up,” she moaned between tastes. Her hands were everywhere, pulling his shirt over his head and slipping her hand down the waistband of his joggers. His dick pulsated in her hand as she stroked him. He caught her wrist and pulled back suddenly.
“Lauren.” The sternness in his voice brought a stop to her conquests. “This isn’t going to help.”
She pulled back from him, snatching her wrist out of his grasp.
“I’m really tired of people telling me what is and isn’t going to help,” she snapped. She snatched up her coat, and Nyair grabbed the other end of it, stopping her from walking away.
“Lauren!” he shouted. She stopped walking but refused to face him because now, on top of being horny, she was humiliated.
“I’ve been a dog about women before. I’ve lied to them, cheated on them, told them what they wanted to hear, slept with multiple at a time, gaslit them, and taken advantage of their insecurities.
I’ve weaponized sex before, trading their emotion for my satisfaction and then discarded them after I was over it.
Trust me when I tell you this won’t make shit better.
I’m not that man anymore.” He stepped up behind her and caressed her arm, running a finger down her skin, making goosebumps rise on the back of her neck.
He reached around her body with both arms, hugging her from behind, and grabbed her hands.
She held onto him for dear life as he kissed the nape of her neck.
“Pray with me, Lauren.”
Lauren broke as she bent her head in shame as Nyair whispered the softest prayer in her ear. Her sobs were so loud that she almost couldn’t make out what he was saying, but she trusted him to lead her.
“Amen,” he said when he was done. She turned and hugged him, bawling, and he held her. He held her like he loved her. At that moment, no one could convince her that he didn’t.
“I need to leave,” she whispered. “I’m so embarrassed.”
“Nah, you just need to rest.” He removed the coat from her hands and grabbed her hand, leading her to his bedroom. He pulled her down onto his bed, and she laid her head on his chest. “Close your eyes.”
“I can’t,” she said.
“You can. You won’t get to see your son in many places. You’ll always see him in your dreams. Your dreams are gifts. You deserve to rest and spend time with your son in your dreams. Sleep, Lo.”
“That’s really nice to think of it like that,” Lauren whispered.
She wrapped her arm around his torso, and he tightened his grip on her. “I don’t have a church for the service. My own pastor turned me away today. Apparently, my public divorce is too scandalous for the Christians,” she said. “What kind of mother can’t find a place to hold her child’s funeral?”
“I think I know a place,” Nyair said. The kiss he planted on her forehead ironed out the wrinkles that had settled there over the past few days.
“I can’t ask you to…”
“You didn’t ask,” he said, settling the matter. “And your pastor ain’t shit.”
“Thank you, Ny.” Lauren’s sigh of relief was reward enough for Nyair.
“Don’t mention it,” Nyair responded. “Now sleep.”
And that she did.