Chapter 16 #2
“I feel like karma is hitting me right now,” Charlie whispered.
“I broke up your marriage only for Demi to come right back to you. In the big moments of his life, he’s going to run back to you.
That’s the price I have to pay for dealing with a married-ass man in the first place.
You have the power to take him back, and now I’m pregnant and terrified to raise this baby alone. ”
“It feels great to have Demi’s support, Charlie. I won’t lie to you about that part, but he doesn’t want me, and I don’t want him. I do want him in my life, though. I do want to make sure we keep our son’s memory relevant. I don’t want him to go away like DJ never existed.”
“I don’t want that either,” Charlie whispered.
“So how do we make this work?” Lauren asked.
Charlie scoffed. “I don’t think you understand how hard it is to watch you with him. Neither of you understand. It’s like you don’t see how perfect the picture looks.”
“Charlie the picture is bullshit. It looks perfect because we practiced that shit for a lot of years!” Lauren shouted in exasperation.
Lauren knew how to pull her shit together.
She knew how to make a bitch jealous. She knew how to make the public buy a story, and how to set the table of her life so that she never looked deprived.
She put on productions for a living. She and Demi’s entire marriage had been a long public performance.
They had safeguarded it from the media for years.
Of course, they looked good together. It didn’t mean they should be together, but she understood how it appeared to the outsiders.
“Putting on a front. Never letting the media see us crack. Marriage is a business, and we handled our shit very well. I know how to operate in that space with Demi. I know how to handle our business. But the passion. The shit that takes your breath away. We never had that, and I want that. He has that with you, and you’re talking about some shit that’s hard to watch.
That is what’s hard to witness. And Demi ain’t coming up off you, so that fear of raising this baby alone?
You might as well save that one because he’s not that type of man. ”
“I just don’t know about him,” Charlie said. “I don’t like feeling like I’m measuring up behind you.”
“That sounds like a Charlie problem. Not a Demi problem,” Lauren said, shrugging.
Charlie felt like she would be sick. “This is all just too much.”
The look of sympathy Lauren gave Charlie made Charlie feel pathetic.
“Come on. It’s freezing out here. Have you eaten? You literally look green in the face.”
“I can’t stomach anything,” Charlie replied, hopelessly.
“I was like that. I’ve got a recipe that got me through my whole pregnancy. I’ll follow you home and make sure you’re settled before I leave.”
Charlie hesitated. “Why would you help me?”
Lauren shrugged and shook her head. “I handle his business,” Lauren replied. “I don’t know, Charlie. Damn, I guess…” she paused, and Charlie saw emotion in Lauren’s eyes. “You’re carrying my son’s sibling and I…”
“Don’t want to be left out,” Charlie finished for her.
The ways women related to each other even when they didn’t want to was remarkable.
Charlie could have given Lauren a taste of her own medicine, but she knew how bitter it was.
She knew how hurtful it would be. “I’d really appreciate the recipe, Lo. ”
Lauren nodded, and the pair walked back to their cars before heading back to Charlie’s house.
Nyair knocked on the office door of his mentor.
Pastor Cullian was well respected in the community.
For as far back as Nyair could remember, Pastor Cullian had been the revered figure in the city.
Everyone from the local dope boys to the city council members relied on this man for counsel.
He was their elder, and he had taught Nyair a lot about himself, about God, and about the responsibility that his position held in the city.
When Nyair had gotten lost in the past, when he had been consumed in an artificial world of money and fame, Pastor Cullian had pulled him out.
If it weren’t for him, Nyair was sure he would be dead.
“I’m in trouble, sir,” he said as soon as the pastor opened the door.
“Nothing a long conversation and the good Lord can’t straighten out, son.
Come on in,” the man said as he shook Nyair’s hand.
The firm hand and reassuring squeeze to Ny’s shoulder made Nyair feel like crying.
This man was fatherly. He came with wisdom and a soothing that only God could put inside you.
Nyair represented that for a lot of people.
It was a great privilege, to stand in their role, but Nyair couldn’t help but feel like a fraud.
“What’s going on with you, young man?” Pastor Cullian asked. Nyair would always be ‘young man’ to this elder. He had watched him grow up. He had witnessed his rise and his fall, but most importantly, he had never judged.
“I’m messing up, Pastor. I need to know if I can continue to be a vessel because it’s feeling like I’m not worthy,” Nyair admitted.
“Let’s start with what happened,” the old man replied.
“There’s a woman,” Nyair started.
“There is always a woman,” Pastor Cullian said knowingly, chuckling to himself.
“You told me a long time ago that the devil doesn’t come to you with his horns out,” Nyair said.
“I’m slipping. She’s literally a temptation that I can’t say no to.
I’ve tried. She overpowers everything I know I’m supposed to say and do.
I don’t want to be the pastor that my congregation can’t trust. I don’t want to be the one they whisper about and call a hypocrite. She’s a problem for me.”
“What is it about her that you can’t turn down? And don’t tell me it’s her looks because you’ve had your share and your pick of beautiful women. What’s bringing her to your doorstep?” the man asked.
“Her grief,” Nyair said instantly. “She’s needy. She makes me feel…”
“Like you have the power to fix it,” the man finished for him. “Fix her. What is she grieving?”
“The loss of her son,” Nyair said.
“She’s made you her God, son. You can’t become a false idol,” the man warned. “There is sin in that for the worshiper and the worshipped, and if you’re leading in lust, how can you steer her clearly.”
“I don’t know. What if it has the potential to be more than lust?” Nyair asked.
“An addict can’t have a little bit of what they crave.
Nyair heard no lies. A little bit of Lauren was worse than none.
He wanted her all the time. Sitting in this very chair his thoughts were consumed with thoughts of their rendezvous.
The way she called his name. The smell of her pussy when he put his face in it.
The taste of her clit. The way her nipples pebbled at the slightest touch.
Even the salt of her tears. Nyair couldn’t pray that pussy away.
He had tried. He wanted more and more. It was never enough.
“How do you manage your position in the church with your urges as a man without defying God?” Nyair asked.
“You make a saved woman your wife. Your rib stabilizes you, son. Laying with your wife is not a sin. It’s a privilege. It’s a gift and a duty. Bedding vulnerable women because they are desperate for healing is…”
“It’s not like that,” Nyair said. “I’m not taking advantage of her.”
“Are you sure?” the pastor asked.
Nyair wanted to say that he was, but the more questions Pastor Cullian asked, the more guilty he felt. He didn’t know if he was putting Lauren in a position to be a victim. Was he preying on her? It didn’t feel that way, but if it looked that way, maybe he was judging it from the wrong lens.
“I’m not sure of anything,” Nyair admitted.
“I would advise you to get in your Bible, son, and stay out of you know what, so you can gain some clarity and hear God clearly.”
“And what if I pull back, and it hurts her? How is that right?” Nyair asked. “Leaving a grieving mother without help.”
“The kind of help you’re offering ain’t from God, son. Ain’t nothing spiritual about that. You’re operating out of the flesh.”
Nyair left the office with more questions than answers.
Wanting a woman that he couldn’t have wasn’t a good feeling.
He had to ask himself what was driving him.
A big part was a sexual desire that Lauren had reignited, but the part that watched her sleep after putting her down in bed told him that it was something deeper.
The limitations that came with his lifestyle prevented him from so many things.
At most times in his life, it felt like his sacrifice was worth it, but where Lauren was concerned, it left him conflicted.
He needed to have a heart-to-heart with her to get her to understand that they had taken things too far, and he would have to figure out how to let her go without letting her drown.