Chapter 41
ALL THE WAYS TO brEAK
Maverick
I’ve gone through bouts of insomnia before, but it’s never been like this.
Every time I close my eyes, images of Clover in the cabin and Lavender when they found her at the carnival flash through my mind.
And when I fall asleep, the nightmares are brain-melting.
So it’s been nearly forty-eight hours since I slept, apart from that nap I took with Clover.
She’s just fallen asleep, and my phone is buzzing on the nightstand. It’s Lavender. I shouldn’t be surprised.
I can’t see Kody being able to keep what happened from her, and I honestly wouldn’t want him to. What happened yesterday was some crazy shit, and today he met with the coach from Philly and then flew back to New York. His head must be spinning. I know mine sure as hell is.
I roll out of bed and pad across the floor, answering the call with a whispered, “Hold on a sec.” I unlock the sliding door and step out into the warm summer air.
“Okay. Hey. What’s up?”
“Okay. Hey. What’s up?” she repeats.
“I’m taking it Kody is home.”
“Yes, Kodiak is home.” She’s silent for a moment before she asks, “Are you okay? And I don’t mean are you okay with the current state of the world.
I mean, Kodiak told me what happened, so I know you have a girlfriend, which I called, by the way, but gotta be honest, the professor angle was a bit of a shocker.
Also, the fact that her name is Clover is fitting.
But when I’m asking if you’re okay, I mean mentally and emotionally, how are you handling what happened? ”
“I’m okay?”
“I’m hanging up and calling you back on video chat.” The screen goes blank and then lights up again a second later.
I answer the call and drop down into one of the Adirondack chairs. Lavender’s face appears in the small screen. She’s sitting on a couch, cheek propped on her fist. “You look exhausted,” she says. “Are you even sleeping?”
“Right now, no.”
She purses her lips. “I mean in general. You have bags under your eyes. Big ones.”
I adjust the brim of my hat. “The whole training camp deal was stressful, and then this shit with Clover’s ex happened, so my sleep hasn’t been the most restful. But things should get better now, so you don’t need to worry about me.”
“That sounds like an awful lot of placating and bullshit.”
“Where’s Kody?”
“He’s passed out from his stress-purge pillow talk. My vagina is his truth serum. The poor guy. I don’t know how he managed to keep all that bottled up until after we had thank-God-he’s-not-going-far-away nookie.”
I cringe. “That’s way more information than I needed.”
“I know. I do it on purpose. But seriously, he filled me in on everything. I feel bad because I was over here making jokes to Mom about you and your four-week relationships, mostly as a way to get dirt on whatever’s going on with you, and all this shit was going down.
I’m really worried about you, Mav, and not because you’re dating your professor, or because you’re on the fence about training camp. ”
“What are you worried about, then?”
“What happened to your girlfriend yesterday seems a lot like an echo of what happened to me, and I don’t know that you’ve ever really dealt with the fallout of that.
I want to tell you something important. And I need you to listen to what I’m saying and know that it comes from a place of love and concern.
I know you have the tendency to take blame and hold on to it like it’s yours—kind of like Gollum and his precious.
Please don’t do that with this. You couldn’t have known her ex was going to end up being a full-blown psychopath. ”
“I actually don’t think you’re far off the mark there. He really just . . . lost his mind. And you’re right, it felt exactly like an echo of that day. Keep an eye on Kody, maybe?”
“Maybe stop trying to take care of everyone and focus on yourself, okay?”
I laugh and nod. “I’m working on that too.
And as far as holding on to the blame, I’m learning how to let it go.
I kept looking for forgiveness, and in some ways, I needed to hear it from the people I love.
But now I realize the only way to get past any of this is if I give myself the forgiveness I need.
” And as I say it, I know it’s true, and this is one step closer to that goal.
She gives me a soft smile. “I don’t know if you still need to hear it from me, but I forgive you for being a frustrated eight-year-old boy.
It’s okay that you were jealous. It’s okay that you ran ahead.
I forgave you before I realized you even wanted forgiveness.
You’re an awesome brother. You always have been. ”
“And you’re an awesome sister.”
“You have no one else to compare me to, which is good.” She sighs. “Now let’s get back to the important stuff. How is your girlfriend? Is she okay?”
“Physically, it’s all surface wounds, and she seems to be dealing okay. I think it scared the hell out of her like it did me, but, uh, it looks like she’ll be able to press charges. Doesn’t make it any less traumatic for her.”
She nods pensively. “Or you. Can you stay with Mom and Dad for a while?”
“Yeah. They’ve been awesome about the whole thing. Really supportive. I think it’s gonna take some time for Clover to get comfortable with the idea of being in her cabin again. It’s pretty secluded. But Dad’s going to have a security system installed.”
“Sounds like a dad thing to do and a good idea. How’s Mom handling the fact that you’re dating your professor?”
“She didn’t love it at first, for obvious reasons, but she seems to be coming around now.”
“That’s good. She’s had a lot thrown at her this weekend, so I’m sure coming home to find out that your girlfriend’s ex threatened to burn her cabin down was the icing on the cake.”
“What do you mean she’s had a lot thrown at her? What’s going on with you?”
“The production company offered me a full-time residency. I’m going to transfer to a program here.”
“Holy shit, you’re going to live in New York?”
“Seems that way. And with Kodiak in Philly, we’ll be able to make the distance thing manageable. He said Nashville offered you training camp but you’re not all that inclined to take it.”
“I don’t think I want to live in Dad’s shadow for the rest of my life.”
She nods, her smile knowing. “He casts a big one. Sometimes you have to forge a new path so you can find your own light.”
By the middle of July, I still haven’t made a decision about training camp. I have until mid-August to either accept or pass, and I’m taking that time to think the decision through.
In the meantime, I help Clover pack up her things in Chicago and move what she needs back to my parents’ pool house in Lake Geneva.
We’re still waiting on Gabriel’s trial, but her lawyer is confident he’ll do jail time.
It doesn’t make me happy, but there is some relief in knowing he’s on house arrest and can’t be in the same state as Clover anymore.
And the charges against him made it a lot easier to get the divorce papers signed, so Clover is legally free of him as well.
Clover has convinced me to start talking to a professional. It didn’t take much work on her part to get me to see the validity of it. Lavender was right. What happened with Gabriel unearthed more of the shit from my childhood, and if I don’t deal with it now, it’s going to make my life impossible.
I can’t be attached to Clover at the hip, and anyway, I need to find a way to manage the fear and worry without smothering her.
It isn’t logical or possible or healthy to be with her twenty-four hours a day.
So I get myself a therapist and talk through all the crap my family has been through, sorting through damage so I can be a better version of myself.
I transfer to the Pump It Up location in Lake Geneva, agreeing to also stay on at the Chicago gym for a while to train self-defense instructors once a week, since they want to keep the program running, and it’s one of the things I feel passionate about.
For a couple weeks, Clover and I stay at my parents’ place, but at the end of July, we do move into her cabin on Pearl Bay. Clover starts her position at the local library, and I start working part-time with my dad at his hockey training program.
My alarm goes off at five fifteen in the morning. I hit the snooze button and wrap my arm around Clover. I nuzzle into her hair, breathing in her cloves and citrus shampoo. She makes a little noise but doesn’t stir otherwise.
Practice skate starts early, and I have to be on the ice at seven thirty. Still, I lie here, body curved around Clover’s, until my alarm goes off again. Then I reluctantly roll away from her warmth and carefully climb out of bed.
Although Clover’s day doesn’t start until nine, she often gets up at the same time I do so we can have coffee and breakfast together.
But yesterday, the verdict for Gabriel’s trial was finally read.
In the end, he was given five years. It was an emotional day for her, and we stayed up later than we should have.
I’m glad that chapter is finally over. It means she can move on with her life.
And I feel like I’m ready to move forward with mine.