11. Bitter Sweet Deadly Symphony
Dragging my girl from the lake was not on my fucking bingo card for today. Fuck. She’s so cold. Her lips are blue, with no life in sight. This cannot be happening. I didn’t give her fucking permission to leave me. Seeing her floating face down in the water has my black, cold heart completely stopped. I was a statue for a second before Spade came into vision and I knew I had to move. He can’t fucking swim and there was no way I was losing the both of them at the same time. NO, not on my watch. If anyone is to die first, it’s me. I protect. I save.
I press my hand to her heart and nothing
“I-I can’t feel her heart.” I stutter as I press on her chest, hoping for a little flutter. Something, anything. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. “I-I need to see if she will b-bleed, if she can bleed, then there is hope.” I stammer, taking out my knife and slicing slowly down the outside of her arm. I want to scream when there is nothing. Please God, Devil. Anyone please help my girl.
“No blood. There’s no fucking blood! No, no, no, s-she can’t be gone. I won’t fucking accept it! Help m-me, Reid. I don’t know what the fuck to do.” I yell.
They take over and I sit there, rubbing her arms to bring warmth into her slowly. There’s so many things left unsaid. Please come back to me. I’m sorry for pushing you, I’m so fucking sorry my light. Please come back. I can’t live in a world without you in it. I will not survive this. I can’t. Not without you. I have no other reason to live. You gave me life, you made me want to be better. You showed me how to love again. Please. Just breathe baby. Please.
I watch as my brothers continue CPR on the girl I love most in the world, but she’s gone, and it’s all my fault. I unleashed her monster, thinking she would heal mine, but all it did was destroy her from the inside out. She killed herself. Why? Why would she leave me? There’s no other explanation of why she would willingly go into the ice-cold lake. What did The Pakhan do to her? Is this because of her father? Still, so many things left unsaid. So many questions with no answers.
“Check her pulse.” Someone says and I do. But nothing, I take my knife and slice down her shoulder but no blood. Still no fucking blood. Placing my knife down, I hear the gravel crunch around us, but I don’t look up to see who it is. I really don’t fucking care. I just want my girl to breathe. I need her to breathe. We were far from finished. This is not how it ends. It can’t be. I don’t know what else to do. Dario has her in his arms and he’s whispering in her ear. She’s so fucking cold and pale. My girl is dead and I’m the only one to blame because everything I love dies and everything I touch dies. It should be me laying on the ground, not her. Her pulse no longer beats for me. I’ll never see gorgeous green eyes again. There will never be stolen moments, movie nights, dancing in the blood of our enemy’s. It’s all fucking gone. She’s gone. She’s fucking gone. I can’t fucking breathe. The rage in me is seconds away from being unleashed. Carver 5.0 is about to rear its ugly head and I’ll fucking slaughter everyone in sight. I look down at her stiff, lifeless body. Why couldn’t it have been me? She could have had a long happy life with my brothers, as long as she was still breathing. I’m so stuck in my head that I don’t feel the knife sink into my chest until my eyes collide with Spades. A tear falls from my face and he smirks.
“This is your fault. You broke my heart and now I’ll take yours. If she’s dead, then so are you.” I grab the hand holding the knife in my chest, letting the blood pour over our fingers. Squeezing his hand tightly around the handle, I rasp.
“You’re right brother, maybe if my heart stops beating.” I sink the knife deeper into my chest, feeling the wind being knocked from me. I gasp, stuttering. “Maybe hers will beat again.” His eyes widen as I twist our hands on the handle of the knife, causing tears to stream down my face.
“I deserve it, all of it, for all the pain I’ve caused to the ones I love.” I gasp, trying to take a breath.
“Put down the monster, brother.” I stutter as darkness seeps into my vision, but staring back at me is glowing eyes of the monster in his true form. Me!
“Everyone was right! I truly am the monster.”
…TO BE CONTINUED IN BEDLAM.