CHAPTER 4
My heart pounds like a heavy metal drummer. My skin feels like it’s shrunk, tightening uncomfortably over sinew and bones. The acrid taste of anxiety coats the back of my tongue, the icy fingers of fear wriggling like worms over the back of my neck.
I draw deep breaths, struggling to compose myself. I need to calm down. Relax. Nothing bad is going to happen, and even if it were, having a panic attack will accomplish nothing other than damaging my pride. I can do this. I know I can.
And yet, I pause on the threshold before stepping completely outside, my fingers holding onto the open door with an iron grip, as if it’s tethering me to safety.
Even though it’s morning, it’s so early that it’s still dark out, long shadows holding court until the sun rises to chase them away.
A thick blanket of fog hovers low over the ground.
Anything could be hiding behind that misty vapor. Anyone. It’s not a comforting thought.
I peer around, searching the gloom for signs of life. Listen closely, though the silence is eerily complete. Wait for the telltale prickle of eyes on my skin. But there’s nothing. Just me feeling like a chicken as I stand here, working up my nerve to enter my own yard.
“Everything okay?”
I gasp as I jump. Whirl to face Jake.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I try to return his apologetic smile as I struggle to catch my breath. Allow him to pull me to his chest, where I close my eyes, listening to the strong beat of his heart.
“Maybe you should stay home today. It’s not like you have to be there. It’s just a preliminary hearing.”
“No, I want to go.”
“Are you sure?” He leans back until he can see my face. “You could go back to bed? Get some more sleep?”
It’s a polite way of saying he’s noticed the dark circles that ring my eyes. After yesterday’s excitement, I was awake most of the night. I’ve been awake most of every night lately, to be honest, unwilling to subject myself to the nightmares that plague me.
It was bad enough finding myself back in the damp, pitch-black basement where a serial killer held me, as I often did in my darker dreams. But now, other dangers lurk in the corners of my subconscious.
I can still feel the force of the gun blast. The hot spray of blood hit my cheek. The fingers wrapped around my neck, tightening until my throat felt on the verge of collapse. Until my life started to drain away.
The bruises from my latest encounter with trouble have just faded. But given what happened last night, I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever be able to close my eyes again without fearing the memories that hide behind them.
“I’m fine,” I insist.
“Are you sure?”
Nodding, I release Jake and move out of his embrace. The lift of my chin is fueled more by stubbornness than bravery as I take the plunge and stride outside.
Jake falls into step beside me, lacing his fingers through mine. Lifts my hand to his lips.
“Don’t you need to get ready for work?” I ask.
“I’m going in late today.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m coming with you this morning.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I know. But what do you think I’d rather do? Sit in my office looking at contracts and briefs and court dockets? Or look at you?”
When I cut my eyes over to him, he winks.
“If you want me to stop being corny, you’ll have to help me find something else to do.
” He pulls me to a stop just inside the barn and turns to face me.
Backs me up until I’m pressed against one of the stalls.
Drops his head until his mouth hovers just above mine.
“I have a few ideas of my own I’d like to share with you. ”
I close my eyes as his lips lower. But they deviate before they touch mine, landing on my neck instead. His kisses send shivers through me as they whisper across my skin, moving lower. My breath quickens as his hands sneak under the hem of my shirt, palms hot against my lower back.
Arching against him, I thread my fingers through his hair. It feels like I’m melting as the tension that’s been holding my body rigid eases. The whirlwind of dark thoughts that have been swirling around inside my head fall still, silenced by the heat spreading through me. The desire.
Just as I’m about to suggest we go back inside, a thud hits one of the stall doors. I crack an eye open, groaning as Stephano frolics over. Taking the sound I made as a moan, Jake presses harder against me. Then he jerks, surprised, as tiny hooves pound against him.
“Not now, buddy,” Jake tries, even though the goat has never been known to take no for an answer before.
Baa.
“Go play.”
Baaaaa. I can’t help snickering as Stephano sticks his tongue out, waggling it through the air. This time, Jake’s the one who groans.
“Maybe if I feed him first,” he offers.
A heavy striped head swings over the door beside us at the mention of feed. Daisy stretches her neck, her upper lip curling as the zebra tries to reach my hair. There’s a flutter as Rocky appears, then an ear-splitting crow as the rooster wakes the rest of the world.
Soon, we’re surrounded by the sounds of the animals as they stir from their slumber. Jake gives me a look so hopeless that I can’t help but laugh.
“But—” he says, cut off as Stephano headbutts his knee.
“Later,” I promise.
“How much later?”
“Tonight.”
Jake sighs with disappointment. I press a kiss against his stubbled jaw, then slip from his embrace. Daisy nickers, waving her head through the air, urging me to bring her breakfast. Chip and Bagel, the pigs, oink from behind their door, not wanting to risk being forgotten at mealtime.
There’s a lightness to my step as I hurry to the tack room to grab everyone’s food while Jake gets to work freshening their waters. Would I rather be doing what I was five minutes ago than scooping grain? Definitely.
But I can’t deny that I feel better than I had earlier.
My mind is clearer, my confidence found.
I plan to use the thoughts of what I have to look forward to later to help me get through the day, and let’s face it—I need all the help I can get.
Because there’s a target on my back, and if the right person gets the chance, they’re going to hit it.