Chapter 31
I slid the key into the lock, turned it, and pressed down on the handle before pushing the door open.
I flipped on the light, revealing the biggest office I had ever seen.
The back wall was nothing but windows. His desk was large, dark, and quite imposing—as far as furniture went.
Broad, built-in bookshelves flanked a small bar against the far wall.
The carpet was dark blue and the chairs that sat opposite the desk were black leather wingbacks.
Maddox was right about the masculinity of it; I would be remodeling this office. A large leather couch sat to the left of the door, the same color as the chairs. The entire room was ominous. Not a single thing in this room made me think of my grandfather.
I walked around the desk and sat down in the chair, where he used to sit.
There was a photograph on the desk of Charlotte and me—we were about eight.
He had taken us camping and he took this picture right after we made s’mores.
Our faces were covered with marshmallow and chocolate; we were laughing, still holding most of the treat in our hands.
I miss Charlotte and my grandpa. I miss my mom. My aunt. I felt like I started a new life and just left everyone behind. I knew they had their own lives, but mine felt busy lately—too busy. I wanted to see my mom after I saw this Xavier thing through.
I wanted to take Maddox with me. Who am I kidding? Like he would let me go without him? At least if he is my boyfriend, I don’t feel the need to explain why I have a bodyguard. Hell, did my mom know any of this? Did he ever tell her anything—her or my aunt?
“Joslyn.” I looked up from the photo and Ronan was standing in the doorway. “I see ye found your office.”
“I did. It doesn’t really feel like Ray. I mean except for this picture of me and my cousin. This office seems cold. That’s not the man that I knew.” A tear ran down my cheek and Ronan took a few steps closer.
“I’m sorry, Joslyn. His ‘eart didn’t live ‘ere though; it was in Michigan wit ye and Charlotte and ‘is daughters. Dis was where he worked; dis was a job.”
I stood up from the chair and went around the desk. My tears started to fall quicker as I attempted to wipe them away.
“I wanted to know this side of him too. That man would be able to teach me about this world and maybe I wouldn’t feel so weak and stupid all the time.”
Ronan closed the gap between us and put his hands on my shoulders. “He didn’t want to expose ye to dis before ye needed to be. He thought he ‘ad more time. It might not feel like it, but I think he wanted to protect ye.”
“He ended up doing exactly the opposite, and it’s a great disservice to everyone now.” I felt like a burden, not a leader.
I missed him, and all of this made me feel alone.
I know I had Maddox and Ronan—his people, the ones I inherited.
Could I just please be in a room with someone who has loved and been with me my whole life?
Tell me they would recognize me, that I am the same person. Did I have to live a double life too?
“Ye are grieving and all de feelings that are running through yer ‘ead are valid. You can cry, Joslyn. Dis is more than any normal person would be able to cope wit. You ‘ave lost so much, and things will get worse before dey get better.”
“I have to be strong; I am in charge and people are looking to me for answers if not guidance and I don’t know shit about fuck!
” I started shaking and turned away from the open door, trying to calm down.
I heard the door close behind me, and I turned to see that Ronan had shut it and was standing in front of it.
“Let it out, Joslyn, no one can see ye. It’s just me and ye here. Ye’re safe.”
I sat on the edge of the desk and took a deep breath.
I started to sob uncontrollably. Overwhelmed by everything that had been swirling around me.
The uncertainty. The secrets. The danger.
The death. Nothing was slowing down. I cried and cried.
Ronan stood guard at the door, making sure no one entered.
When I regained my composure, I stood up and straightened my shorts, grabbing a tissue from a box on the desk.
“Thank you, Ronan,” I said as I dabbed at my face and blew my nose. I tossed the tissue into the trash can next to the desk. Ronan approached from his place in front of the door and stood in front of me.
“Anytime ye need me, I am ‘ere.” Just as he got the words out, my office door opened. Maddox was standing in the doorway.
“What the fuck could she possibly need you for, Ronan?”
“Do you know how to knock?” Ronan asked, attempting to bait Maddox.
“Why would I knock? She has no meetings, and she is my girlfriend,” he said indignantly.
“Maybe she just needed someone to be wit her de first time she came in ‘ere—but Maddox knows best. Right?” Ronan said sarcastically.
“I’m here now—get the fuck out.”
“Better late dan never.”
Ronan walked toward the door. As he passed Maddox, the vampire forcefully put his hand in the middle of his chest and leaned sideways slightly, so Ronan wouldn’t miss a word.
“The next time I find you behind closed doors with Joslyn, it better be work related. Or I will show you exactly why I am the one in charge of protecting her. Stick to your job, Ronan. You know you can’t just be her friend.”
“Fuck ye, dude. Ye wouldn’t be able to just be her friend. I care about her feelings more dan my own.” He slapped Maddox’s hand away and walked out of the office. Maddox shut the door behind him and immediately came to my side.
“If you didn’t want to be alone, you should have told me.
I wanted you to have privacy and be free to cry or scream and not hold it together for me or anyone else.
I would have been here if you had said you didn’t want to do it alone.
I am so sorry.” He cradled my face, kissed me gently, and brought my head to his chest, wrapping his arms around me.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t expect to have that reaction. Ronan walked in as I started crying so he shut the door and let me cry, while he stood by the door.”
“He didn’t try to console you?” He pulled his eyebrows together in confusion.
“No!” I shoved him away from me. “You don’t have anything to worry about, Maddox.”
“Joslyn, stop. That’s not why I asked that question. If any woman that I care about is standing in front of me sobbing, I am going to hug her. I am going to hold her and let her cry. He just stood there and watched you?” Maddox pulled me back to him and wrapped me up tighter.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here, baby.”
It started all over again and dawned on me that crying now felt easier than it had five minutes ago. Even when you know that physical touch will make someone cry harder, sometimes it’s needed.
I sobbed into his chest, and he picked me up and walked to the couch. He sat down while still holding me. I lay in his arms and just let go. He held me, stroking my hair and occasionally kissing my head. My ability to cope had run out, and I let it take me. For now.