Chapter 31 #2
He laughed incredulously, as if he expected it all to be swept under the Christmas tree skirt with all the cheer and oh-so-jolly family celebrations.
“You two together were wrong. Mum and Imre deserved better. And your health was fine. You say it like you wouldn’t have been devastated to know you couldn’t race. ”
“I am devastated!”
“You’d rather die on the track than rot on the sidelines.”
A few years ago, when I first crashed, that might have been true.
But I had so much to live for. Or, I had.
I wasn’t devastated over the loss of my bike or driving license. I was devastated over what else I’d lost.
“There is no cure for this, Benedek. I will never race again. In any capacity. I’m not even cleared to drive a car yet. My whole life not only stopped, but I also look like I don’t care about the lives of other racers. It looks like Fia doesn’t either!”
“You were a god on two wheels, Zoltán. You were our grandfather. A Farkas. I gave you a future instead of it being stripped away from you—”
“And nearly gave me a death sentence!” I shouted, standing even as Nagyi held the seam of my jumper, trying to keep me grounded.
“Every time the room spun, every time my knees buckled and my vision blackened, I had no idea what was happening to me. You told me it was normal. You went so far to cover your tracks and put her right in the middle of all this.” I looked at my family.
Her father. “Why aren’t you furious about this?
Why aren’t you screaming? She’s your daughter! ”
“And nothing can change what has already happened,” Imre tried to reason. “Fia has a new life now. She’s back in her placement. She’ll be fine.”
No. That wasn’t good enough. She would carry this forever.
“She deserves more than ‘fine,’” I snapped. She deserves more than me. “You ruined me. You ruined her.”
“I didn’t realise— I didn’t expect anyone to—”
“Find out?” I laughed. “You’re the one who told Yvonne!”
Benedek’s face screwed up in disgust and confusion. “What? No. I didn’t. Why would I do that?”
“Because I fired you!”
“That would have lasted a day,” he said, shaking his head. “It wasn’t me. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
“I think we all need to take a minute—” Mum started.
“You didn’t?” I asked. “You actually didn’t?”
“No,” Benedek sighed, slumped back in his chair, and threw his fork into his soup. “I’ve been trying to find out who it was for the last two months, but I’m obviously not allowed to see any of the records.”
I sat opposite him, the frown unfortunately not powering my thoughts to race any faster. I stared at the candle we lit to remember my grandfather.
Despite everything, I believed him. I hated it.
“Nora?”
He shook his head, brows low. “She wouldn’t have known. Even when she was around after the crash, she wasn’t listening to your results. She was crying for the reporters. And how was she going to get the original report? She thinks she has connections, but she doesn’t.”
He looked at Mum, who was tearing up, and then he tried to blink away his own tears.
“I gave her that photo to scare you. The video was already deleted. I wouldn’t hurt you on purpose, you’ve got to believe it,” he pleaded. “I wanted you to have the life you deserve.”
Even if it was a short life.
“I was ignorant. I don’t think I quite realised how bad things were and… I wanted our lives to go back on track. I never meant for Fia to get caught up in this. I’ve already told the inquiry you didn’t know.”
“How are they going to believe that? I’ve been seeing doctors for the last three years! How has no one told me?”
Benedek closed his eyes tightly. “You’ll recognise that the names in both reports are different. I got new doctors in— ones who thought like me.”
My heart hammered against my ribcage. I wasn’t insane. I hadn’t been imagining it.
“And have you told the inquiry this? That you purposely paid people to make the problem ‘go away’?”
“They made it seem… I kidded myself… I…” There were tears in his eyes as he swallowed. “I swear to you, I never intended… if I knew… I just thought they were being dramatic. I wanted you to have the life you deserved. I love you.”
Mum stood, tears streaming down her face. She pulled the napkin from her lap and sniffed. “Benedek, I think you should go. I can’t—I can’t force Zoltán to sit here with you.”
He went to speak, his bottom lip wobbled, and then he grabbed his coat from the bannister.
Mum was blinking tears, and I reached over to stroke her arm, but she waved me off. “I hate this. I hate it all. I just want us to be back to how we were.”
I stared at the flickering candle to remember our father. I could forgive Benedek for me, but I could never forgive him for Fia.
And I couldn’t allow him to spend Christmas alone.
“You can stay,” I said, voice tight.
He froze, halfway through putting his coat on.
“Don’t argue. Don’t make me reconsider. Don’t take this as forgiveness. It isn’t. But I would like you to stay. For him.” I waved my hand at the candle, and the flame returned my sentiment by growing taller.
“Just eat your fucking sprouts,” Nagyi said and loaded another spoonful on my plate.