Chapter 34 #2
She was quiet, and I worried the awkwardness might have crept in again, but then she was in the cupboards, getting out cutlery and bowls. Our domestic simplicity. As if nothing had changed.
“Maybe we should talk first.”
I nodded, trying to swallow down my fear. “After dinner?”
“Okay.”
We never sat at the dining table. We would watch awful reality TV or documentaries while eating and critiquing. But Fia placed her plate next to the papers Marnie had left behind, looking them over. “You’ve learned a lot. I was stunned by your letter. I’ve never seen you write in English.”
I tried not to look embarrassed or chuffed as I sat beside her. “I wanted you to know how much I’ve been trying.”
“Is this kale?” she said, lifting her loaded fork.
“Yeah. Yours. From the garden.”
“You’ve looked after them?” she asked, voice high with surprise.
“Of course. Your vegetables survived the frost with a bit of pruning.” Nagyi taught me that word.
Fia ate her mouthful, moaning at the taste. “Frost actually makes kale sweeter.”
Maybe she learned that from Nagyi, too.
She wolfed the food down — I was surprised she hadn’t started on one of her hangry rants.
Watching her, I almost forgot about mine until she was done and sighed, satisfied. “That was so good.”
I smiled and took another bite.
She waited patiently, looking around the room. Nothing had changed since she was last there. I couldn’t allow it. I pushed my nearly-full bowl away.
My heart may be hammering, worried about how our ‘talk’ was going to go, but it was in the way of our future, together or not.
And I owed her the ability to move on, with or without me.
“Ask me.”
She turned in the wooden chair, resting her feet on the beam between the chair legs so that her knees nearly skimmed my thighs. “I have a few questions.”
I nodded for her to continue.
“You genuinely didn’t know?” She lifted a hand, stopping me before I got started. “I’m not asking because I don’t know. I’m asking because I have to hear it.”
“I didn’t know,” I said, voice clear and firm. “I wouldn’t have raced if I knew I could hurt someone. I would never have let you translate a fraudulent report. I couldn’t do that to you.”
She nodded. “Okay. Yeah. But… Benedek? You know he kept this all from you, right?”
“Yeah,” I said, rolling my shoulders. “Yeah, we’ve spoken about it.”
Her brows shot up in question.
“I can and can’t understand why he did it. He feels guilty. He feels awful. I don’t think he realised the extent of the problem and… I forgive him for what he did to me. I don’t forgive him for what he did to you or the potential impact on the other racers.”
“He’s your brother,” she said simply. “You were deemed incompetent to understand your medical situation. He took over for you. I’ve got it in writing.”
What would she do with that writing? A hearing was coming up for my conduct, and I was already out of the game. There was no returning for me.
My brother shouldn’t be able to.
She picked at her nails, her hands resting on her knees. “I need to ask you some hard things, too. Some things I need to be sure of before anything else.”
I squeezed her hand briefly, her fingers curling around mine. But I let go.
“Are you okay? Like really. Nix told me it’s not terminal and it’s manageable.”
I wished I’d kept hold of her hand.
“It is manageable. I have some great doctors. I’m assessed every other week, not because there’s anything to worry about, but because I want to know when I can drive again and how best to look after myself.
I’m on new medicine, which has helped with the headrush.
I have a new therapist who specialises in traumatic experiences. I promise you I’m okay.”
Since the live stream, I’d started to come to terms that I may have to live life without Fia. And I had to force myself to believe that would be okay. That it was what I deserved.
That hope in me was awakening, and the excitement was soured by worry.
“I’m so glad.” She shuffled in her seat. “I’m sorry, there’s more. What do you value more — me or our relationship?”
“You,” I said without thinking. “Always you.”
“So, if it was best for me to leave… You would let me go?”
“If you wanted to go. I just… I wanted you to know the truth before. I wanted you to know the truth, and I couldn’t cope thinking you might hate me and think I could ever—”
“I know,” she said, taking my face in her hands. “I know, Zoltán.”
“How?” I croaked. I’d waited months. I’d thought the worst.
“I looked at the original reports in Hungarian. Some things still didn’t align. I’ve sent my findings to Livie and Dr. Sannier. I should have done it sooner.”
She looked up at the ceiling, trying to stop her tears.
“Do you hate me?” Her question was high, a single tear falling from her eye. “I should have stayed by you. I should have heard you. I should have believed you. You lost everything and my loyalty—”
“I don’t think I’ve lost everything. Any form of relationship with you is something I would cherish, Fia.” I rested my forehead against hers. “I could never hate you.”
“I missed you so badly. So badly, Zoltán.”
We seemed to open our eyes at the same time, still resting against each other, and I lost myself in her dark eyes. I could kiss her; every fibre of my being wanted to. It would be the most natural thing to do.
Her breath hitched, and I felt it on my lips.
But this couldn’t be solved by kisses and sex.
I pressed my lips to her forehead.
She pulled back and wiped her tears away. “Wow. I have had a few tears today.” She brushed under my eyes at mine. “As have you.”
We laughed, voices thick with emotion.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to stay in the guest room.”
“Of course.”
I walked her upstairs and, in the landing, gave her some of my comfy clothes to wear. With a smile, she requested the jumper on my back. When I whipped it off, her eyes caught on my chest, my abs, and she exhaled deeply. “You need to leave before we make a mistake.”
“I hear you,” I said, but we stood there, looking at each other as she clutched my jumper to her chest.
“I love you,” she countered. “I never stopped. I never will.”
I brushed her hair back from her face. “We’ll get through this frost, Fia.”
She avoided my gaze, nodded, and followed Vincent into the guest bedroom.