2. Remorse
TWO
REMORSE
Elena
“Mom, where’s Jenna? I can’t find her anywhere!”
“Stop yelling—there’s no need for it. You’re being uncouth. Your fretting is making me and your dad anxious.” Mom eyes me. “Where’s the food?”
I dash down the hallway of my parents’ lavish upper-caste unit, calling out my sister’s name. “Jenna!” But there’s no answer, no sign of her.
Where is she?
Mom follows me but stops before she enters the hallway, choosing to remain on the threshold.
Turning to her, I see she hasn’t made a move to pack her bag.
Her dark brown hair is still wet from her shower and she’s in her fluffy yellow bathrobe.
The ticking in her jaw as she glares at me is the only indicator that she’s paying attention to what I say at all.
I’m usually okay with being ignored. Today, I’m not.
“What are you doing? We have to go!” I’m nearly delirious with panic. A wrenching pressure in my chest makes it tight, compacted, and hard to breathe. I’d just seen a guy get killed. “Where did Jenna go? I told her not to leave.”
I’d left our parents’ unit—where we were meeting before Jenna’s evening performance—to search for a store that was still selling nonperishable foods on our level.
But every store I entered had been sold out.
Even the cheap emergency rations were gone.
Stunned by how fast the supplies on The Dreadnaut were dwindling, I traveled to a lower-caste floor to look at their shops as well, only to discover they were worse.
Many of them had been boarded up or looted. Things are getting bad, fast.
And I don’t think things are going to get better on the ship. In fact, I think the situation on The Dreadnaut is getting worse by the hour.
“Oh, stop worrying. I sent her to find Mateo to come look at our generator. It’s being finicky again. The power went out briefly when I was in the shower unit. She just left.”
The ship’s ever-present hum seems to heighten in my ears as I comprehend what my mom’s telling me.
“Mom…” I grab her shoulders and squeeze them, trying not to shake her. “You need to pack so we can leave. We need to get out of here and onto the family ship before they close the Westerian Port like they’ve closed off the public ports. If we don’t go now, we could be stuck!”
She steps out of my grip and brushes me off. “Don’t be ridiculous! I told you. We’re not leaving. Get that silly thought out of your head. Supreme Commander Volp said everything is being handled.”
“I just saw a man get shot in the head!” I shout.
Mom draws back, pulling her robe tighter, an expression of alarm flitting across her face. “At the Hushed Gatherings?”
“No, down on floor ten.”
A look of shock falls across her features. “You went down to floor ten?”
“There’s no food left on the upper levels! Listen to me!”
“My goodness, don’t yell at me. It’s probably because of the holiday. I’m sure the soldiers will handle it. We just have to be patient. We have plenty of stock for now, we’ll be fine.”
“I think we’ve run out of patience…” I trail off, imagining the blood spraying out from the man’s head. Shocked, the man lifted his hand like he wasn’t sure what had happened before dropping to the floor.
Everyone started running and screaming. Caught in the fray, I ran as well. I ran all the way back to my parents’ unit on floor sixteen, thankful that the dim lights of the ship remained on the entire way despite their near-constant flickering.
“Don’t be so dramatic. Supreme Commander Volp assured us everything was being taken care of. Next time don’t go sneaking off to one of the lower caste floors, it’s unsafe. You heard him about the alien…”
“Mom,” I whisper, taking another breath to stifle my panic. “I’m going to leave. I’m going to the family ship tonight and I’m leaving. Please, please come with me.”
“And go where?” Dad cuts in, walking up behind Mom. He’s wearing a spacesuit made of blue silk. Typical evening attire for Dad.
“Before your sister’s performance?” Mom asks.
“Outside of here before things get worse. Please come with me,” I beg. “We can all get on the ship, even Mateo, and wait until things… hopefully blow over.”
Dad sighs and places his hands on his hips. “We’re not leaving, Elena. You really are overreacting. I trust in Volp, and you should too. He was made Supreme Commander of this ship for a reason.”
“We’re not leaving…”
“We’re not…”
My parents’ voices fade away as the lush green world outside fills my vision. Barely comprehending it now, much in the same way I didn’t want to acknowledge what my mom and dad were telling me, all I do is stare numbly.
I made it off The Dreadnaut. I survived. I survived because I listened to my gut and left.
But I couldn’t convince my parents to come with me. Neither could my sister upon her return.
I tried. We tried.
Unclasping the straps crisscrossed over my chest, my straining fingers stretch outward from being locked tightly for too long.
Dropping my gaze from the forest to my hands, I watch them tremble.
Clamping them into fists to subdue their movements, I reach for my buckle and unstrap my body from the ship’s pilot seat. My dad’s seat.
I try not to think about it as I face the back of the empty ship.
Past the dome front where the ship’s controls are is an open area with plush white seats.
They line the ship’s exterior walls until they reach the middle-back where the seating, bar, and kitchen area are located.
Those seats are where my sister and I sat on the rare occasion we took the family ship off The Dreadnaut.
They’re all empty.
Beyond the seats, the space widens into a lounge and bar area with a crescent moon-shaped table to the left, and the bar and kitchen on the right. Stools line the sleek, but empty, silver and white counter in front of the bar. A bar that would be covered in hors d’oeuvres if my parents were here…
At the rear is a hallway that leads to the bedrooms and bathroom.
In the middle of the floor, between the moon-shaped lounge table and the bar, is a hatch door to the ship’s maintenance room.
I stand from my chair and walk through the ship and into the hallway that’s laid out like a T.
With three bedrooms in total and a large bathroom in the middle rear, there’s a room on either side with one more—my parents’—lining the back wall to the right.
The hallway to the left leads to the ship’s hatch.
I walk past my sister’s and my rooms, which face each other at the front, and dash toward the giant mirror that hides the bathroom door.
The mirror slides into the wall at my approach and I duck inside.
Moving to the small private toilet room in the back corner, I open the door and drop to my knees.
The room lights up, casting everything in a warm golden glow.
The top of the toilet lifts and I grab its sides, leaning over it.
Hitching and shaking, tears stream down my cheeks as I try to vomit. Nothing comes out except spittle, which infuriates me. There’ll be no relief from the sour ache in my belly. I bang my head on the toilet ledge and let out a sob.
I tried, for days, to convince Mom and Dad to leave The Dreadnaut, but they refused.
They believed in Volp.
I’ve never believed in the Supreme Commander. I believed what my eyes saw over what I was told.
I even offered to fly their ship back into port to pick them up despite already having escaped to The Dreadnaut’s orbit. By then, ships were fleeing in droves. And they still refused.
I wipe my teary face on my sleeve and sit back, pressing against the cold wall at my side. Bringing my knees to my chest, I hug them tightly, unable to stop shaking.
I didn’t want to be right. I didn’t want my misgivings to be real. When things were getting bad on The Dreadnaut, I wanted to leave. I wanted to flee the moment I saw a soldier shoot a lower caste citizen in the head just for demanding the ports be reopened. He was just yelling…
I squeeze my legs tighter.
I couldn’t convince them.
I tried.
I should’ve tried harder.
But I never thought The Dreadnaut would explode.
At worst I thought there would be mass rioting, fighting, looting, death—not the destruction of the ship itself.
The Dreadnaut is—was—ancient. It’s been through riots and fights before.
Just because one of the reactors went out didn’t mean it couldn’t have a new reactor put in? Right?
I told my parents what was happening in the lower castes, but they didn’t care.
We had our own generator for our unit, so they didn’t think things were more than inconvenient.
They didn’t know the majority of the ship was without adequate power and people were panicking.
That it was more than just the rebels. My parents were oblivious to all else, happy in their ignorance, attending parties with their friends who were equally ignorant.
They didn’t find it odd that the public ports were closed as long as theirs stayed open.
Wiping the tears off my cheeks, I get to my feet to stare at my face in the mirror. My hair is a mess and my eyes are red, my face splotchy from being rubbed continuously.
The blast The Dreadnaut made nearly blinded me.
There’s no doubt that my parents are gone.
“What else was I supposed to do?” I ask my grim reflection.
My parents never paid much attention to me before things went to hell, why would they pay attention when life got more stressful?
I walk out of the bathroom. It doesn’t matter. It’s all over now.
They’re gone. And my sister is… missing. Hell, she could be gone too if Mateo’s ship didn’t make it out of the blast radius in time.
At the bar, I open one of the top drawers behind the counter and snag the key to the alcohol cabinet. A strainer and a loose tea bag catch my attention. My hand hovers over the tea bag but I decide against it, shoving the drawer closed instead.
Facing the wall of liquor, I unlock the glass case enclosing the bottles and slide it open.
Grabbing the closest one, I yank it out of its clamp and hug it to my chest. I don’t bother reading the label since it’s not the taste that I’m after.
Lunia Mule. Starken Mead. IO Nix vodka. Whatever it is, it’s all the same to me.
It’s the numbing oblivion that I seek.
I would’ve started drinking on the flight to Earth, but I’d been too concerned about the ship blowing up as it passed through Earth’s atmosphere. Others around me had. The fear of imminent death kept me frozen.
Now that I’m safely on the ground and The Dreadnaut’s gone, and my parents’ ship’s AI brought me here, of all places, I have no idea what to do next. I have no idea where to go, or who to contact.
Scratch that—I know exactly what to do.
Clasping the top of the bottle with my hand, I pop the stopper and bring the lip to my mouth.
Tipping my head back, I gulp down three heavy swallows before I let the taste hit my tongue.
I cringe as the liquor burns my throat. Hauling the bottle back against me, I glance out the floor-to-ceiling curved window.
The enormous amount of green catches my attention. It’s an unusual color for me, having spent my entire life on The Dreadnaut or other colony ships where greenery is segregated. Wild and vivid, it’s hard to take it all in. It’s chaotic, not purposely designed.
I’ve landed in a clearing at the base of a mountain. Bringing my liquor with me, I head to the front of the ship to get a better look. As I do, I lick my lips in awe and fear.
It had been a horrific rush fleeing here with the others, but now that it’s over…
I’ve seen videos, been in simulations, but I’ve never seen anything quite like this view.
Farther out to my right, the mountain vanishes into a gorge with more mountains past it.
Trees line the front of the ship, but to my left I see a series of forested hills past a meadow of flowery bushes with tiny yellow blooms. Despite the immediate trees around the front, there’s a short distance of grassy land between me and them.
It makes their tallness less claustrophobic.
Still shaking, I take a long draw from my bottle and cringe again, forcing the contents down. Feeling lightheaded already, I grip the lip tighter, thankful for the lifeline and for the numbness that is soon to come.
Setting the bottle on the control panel so I don’t accidentally tip it, I move back to the window and lean against the glass to see what’s behind the ship, seeing drifts of smoke.
Something catches my gaze in the opposite direction.
Jolting back, the branches from some of the trees shift, and I squint.
I move closer, searching the bushes for what could have caused the branches to shake.
Something dark slithers across the ground between a cluster of thick bushes. It’s gone when I blink.
I wipe the tears off my cheeks. They continue to fall despite my effort to deter them.
The branches stop rustling, and the leaves go still. Suddenly nervous, I back away from the window after snatching my bottle. I take another chug from it as I head deeper into the ship and to my room.
Before I enter it, I glance out the window once more. Gazing at the mountain, my heart thrums rapidly. Taken by its majesty, tears flood my eyes. Pressure ignites behind them and they descend down my cheeks.
I should’ve tried harder. They should be here to see how beautiful Earth is. Taking another chug, I step into my room and shut the door.
I could’ve tried harder.
What am I going to do now?
Drink. Drink until everything fades away.