3. Henley
HENLEY
“Nice murder kitty. Nice murder kitty.” The only thing my incredibly unhelpful brain could come up with was that stupid Soft Kitty song from TV but that was because the large animal standing over me was actually very soft…
and he didn’t even smell that funky. “Soft murder kitty. Pretty murder kitty.”
God.
He drooled on me.
Wow, he had big teeth when he growled.
“If I manage to get out of this alive, I’m going to put a Swiss army knife in my pocket and never take it out.
” Why hadn’t he eaten me yet just to shut me up?
Everyone thought I was annoying. “Oh, and I’m never going to use magically spelled rope ever again no matter how helpful weird magic men are. ”
I’d met the strangest people and now I’d officially met the weirdest monster ever.
“What are you?” And why hadn’t he eaten me would’ve been a good question too but I was a little afraid to put that out in the universe. “I have questions, but God above, you’re big and I’m afraid to piss you off even more because I’m pretty sure one of your paws on my chest would break it.”
So far he was straddling me on the ground where I was still trapped in the stupid net, but his feet were the size of my plates and I was pretty sure he weighed enough to squish me.
His entire body radiated strength and it was kind of like that one time I’d dated that weight lifter that’d turned out to be a shifter.
He’d been huge too.
Shit.
Stay on track, stupid.
“I appreciate that you haven’t killed me yet. I’m very certain I’d taste bitter. My diet is terrible. All processed foods and salt. I’m one hamburger away from a heart attack.” Or one monster attack away. “If I survive this, I promise to eat more fruits just in case.”
At the very least, the next time this happened I should taste better.
“I’m going to taste like sand too. It’s everywhere. It was somehow in my pants from just the hike out here, but I have no idea how that happened and now I’m gritty everywhere.” Why did people like this part of the world, much less this part of the state?
Somehow they had grass growing in sand but that didn’t keep the sand on the ground. “I was holding out for a shower later tonight at the campground but that plan seems kind of shot because the whole eating me thing.”
I really was sandy and starting to itch.
Was it possible to be allergic to sand?
“But since you haven’t eaten me yet, I’m going to say thank you for getting me out of the tree.” Manners couldn’t hurt. “You’ve been very helpful and you saved me.”
Wait.
Why had he stopped growling?
Did he actually seem less pissed?
Could animals have praise kinks too?
“You came when I was alone and trapped.” What else had he done right? I was pretty sure I had to sound at least slightly sincere for this to work. “You got me out of the tree even though the rope is weird and magical.”
Something else…I needed something else.
“You haven’t eaten me yet even though I’m sure instincts are hard to fight.
” No matter what he was, all creatures had instincts, so I couldn’t be wrong about that.
“Now you’re…you’re keeping me company until you know that I’m safe and…
and not going to do anything stupid to get myself trapped again. ”
Hopefully?
“I promise to be more careful?” Fucking Hell. He moved back. “Thank you, pretty kitty.”
It couldn’t hurt to play up to his ego, as long as he had one.
Every man I’d ever met had one, so murder kitty probably did too.
Ugh.
All men were idiots…me included because he moved again but I wasn’t nearly scared enough anymore.
I wasn’t in the clear, but instead of his teeth being parked over my face his muzzle was now over my chest. Was that the right word? Oh. Had things gotten worse? Did his species go quiet before they had dinner?
Well, lunch.
“My first step to being careful is going to be working on the knot at the top of the net and then I’m going to get my bag and drink some water.
” And eventually I’d figure out that dehydration timeline but better safe than sorry.
“Once I’m free, I’m going to eat the protein bar I put in my backpack because this has to be affecting my blood sugar. ”
Did he want me to have more sugar before he ate me?
Murder kitty climbed off me.
What the fuck was going on?
He wasn’t moving far but he wasn’t standing over me anymore and he actually looked at my backpack.
Please don’t let me scare him into attacking just because I thought he was smart.
“I’m going to move my hands and reach above my head.
I’m not sure if you understand me at all but you’re safe and I’m safe and nothing is dangerous.
” Or stupid because as soon as I got free, I was going to find a less dangerous monster to hunt.
“You’re going to be safe and I’m going to be safe.
No sudden movements. Nothing scary besides those impressive teeth and claws and muscles. ”
Ego.
Yes.
Slowly reaching above my head, I did my best not to make any sudden movements as I tried to find the knot. My new friend didn’t care for that at all, but growling aside, he didn’t move any closer. “Good murder kitty. You’re so patient and you know I’ve learned my lesson.”
About a lot of things.
Maybe I wasn’t cut out for monster hunting of any sort?
“I’m going to look into a new line of work and just go no contact with my family.
I was trying to find a compromise but they’re kind of insane.
Family.” Everyone said you shouldn’t kill them but I wasn’t sure my relatives had gotten the memo.
“I’ve got a few cousins that were chased off when I was a teenager, so I might be able to find them.
I’m actually really good on computers, so maybe I can make a living that way? ”
Found it.
God above I was sitting on it.
He was going to end up killing me because I fucking wiggled too much.
“It’s okay, murder kitty. I’m just stupid. Not dangerous.” Eventually I’d be dangerous. Hopefully? “I’m going to just wiggle a little bit.”
Fuck.
Stupid magic ropes were getting tighter.
Had he spelled them to do this or was I just spectacularly unlucky?
Ugh.
“Nice murder kitty.” Why was he getting closer again? “I’m sorry. I’m not dangerous.”
Not like this, anyway.
Yep, he was getting closer.
“You’re a curious murder kitty, aren’t you?” He was just curious. Cats and dogs were both very curious, so no matter what he was the idea would make sense. “Pretty murder kitty is smart and curious.”
Pretty might’ve been stretching it since he was a mess of different features, like someone had asked a kid to draw a cat but it’d turned out really insane. He was growing on me, though, as long as I focused on the cat-like ones.
“Remember, we decided I wasn’t edible.” I really hoped that was getting through because he was nearly on top of me again and…and smelling me? “Good smells, murder kitty.”
That had to be better than eating me or accidentally stabbing me with his claws because I scared the fuck out of him. Every time he stretched his paws out his claws seemed to get longer and I couldn’t decide if that was real or my imagination fucking with me.
Either way, with the track my life had been on lately, he’d end up scratching a major artery and I’d bleed out in seconds while he had no idea what happened.
Then he’d eat me.
“I’m almost done, so please don’t get scared when I start moving again.
” Thankfully, I’d practiced with this particular design enough that I really could undo it with my hands behind my back while a monster was sizing me up for a snack.
“I’ve got the knot released and I’m going to slowly start opening the net. ”
Slowly.
Very slowly.
He was still smelling me with his huge mouth entirely too close to delicate areas as he dragged his nose over me. The way he was breathing and huffing reminded me of a dog we had when I was a kid, so the sound itself wasn’t scary, but I wasn’t sure how that would change when I started moving.
Hadn’t I watched a video where someone had said smelling was a good thing? It’d been something about engaging their brain and that seemed to mean they’d make better decisions.
Maybe?
“Good murder kitty. You helped me get free.” Had his ears perked? Had I somehow found the monster version of Lassie? “Let’s get this rope off me.”
Slowly easing the ropes lower didn’t freak him out but it also didn’t make him move away from me either. I was at the point where I was ready to ask him why he hadn’t turned me into a mid-morning snack, but I knew I shouldn’t test the universe.
My father had a friend who’d always said God had to be British because he had a very dry sense of humor, but it felt like I was living in a Monty Python skit, so I wasn’t sure dry was how I would’ve explained it.
“Good murder kitty.” Especially when the rope brushed over his nose and made him sneeze.
His glare said he thought that was a personal afront, but I wasn’t going to take the blame for that when his nose was pressed against my belly button.
“We’re not scared of sneezes. Everybody sneezes.
It’s like that kids’ book Everybody Poops. ”
Wasn’t that a book?
I’d heard people make fun of it before, but I’d never actually seen it.
No.
Stay on point, moron.
“Let’s get this off me and then you can help me get water because you like helping stupid people.” Hopefully. Not eating me could be considered helpful. “Then I’m going to get clean because I wasn’t kidding about that sand problem.”
Wiggling on the sandy ground hadn’t helped that situation.
I now had sand in my crack and I wasn’t into that kind of sensation.
“We’re not close enough to the ocean for this to be a problem, but it seems like no one told Mother Nature that.” North Carolina was so weird. It seemed to have every climate and every type of weird creature imaginable. “I don’t know how they have grass here because the beach doesn’t have grass.”
Maybe I just hadn’t taken enough science classes growing up?