5. Henley
HENLEY
Were we making progress?
Getting off me and no longer sniffing at all the soft parts I had was definitely something.
“Good kitty.” Who was still a very big, slightly unhappy-looking kitty, so I kept petting his head as he sat down beside me. “I’m so proud of you.”
Happy voice.
Relaxed tone.
No sudden movements.
What had my mother done to keep that damned cat from eating her?
“Pretty kitty.” If he hadn’t eaten me yet, there had to be a reason. “We’re going to be special friends and you’re going to love me.”
Had his ears twitched?
God.
I couldn’t make friends with regular humans because my family was too weird.
I couldn’t make friends with monsters because my family was dangerous.
I couldn’t even date right because I was too awkward.
It seemed like the only thing I could do was be friends with a badass murder kitty.
Great.
Well, friends didn’t eat friends, right?
“You’re my special friend and you’re going to be my good helper.” It was amazing what not being eaten could do for my ability to think…and not being tied up any longer. “We’ll just have to figure out what that looks like for us.”
Yes.
All relationships were different and I didn’t need to put labels on it if I didn’t want to…
at least that was what my new online friends from the Monster Network said.
But they thought I was a Bigfoot and some kind of distant cousin of the admin guy so I didn’t know if that changed the advice or not.
For people who didn’t seem to look like people at all most of the time, the Bigfoot community were the most human-like monsters I’d met, so they’d been the easiest to imitate online. All I’d needed to do was to talk about overbearing parents and how frustrating being homeschooled could be.
Sadly, I’d been able to relate too well to both of those issues.
“To start with, I’m going to tell you again what a good boy you are for getting me out of that tree.” And not eating me…eventually I’d stop thinking about that part, but I wasn’t there yet. “You’ve been a good partner.”
He definitely wasn’t a pet.
“You’re my good boy.” Lengthening my strokes down his neck and back, I wasn’t sure when it would be safe to move, but we weren’t in any rush. “You’re going to take good care of me.”
The tension in his muscles kept easing the more I touched him, but I wasn’t sure if that was because of my touch or because of his stress level going down. Maybe he’d been anxious about deciding what to do?
Did cats get anxiety?
Ugh.
More weird questions for my list.
“I’m going to take good care of you too.” Somehow. “At the very least, we’re going to figure out a diet that won’t get you in trouble with the locals.”
What did a cat this size eat?
Was I going with cat?
Didn’t dogs eat different things?
“I’m not sure if you’re getting enough nutrition either. I watched a video online that said vitamin deficiencies could affect mood and all kinds of things.” The clearer my thinking got, the more I realized his didn’t seem clear at all. “Are you in pain, Blade?”
Was he breathing too hard? Too fast?
“We’re going to figure out if you can take baby Aspirin or something like that as soon as we figure out a way to get back to my car without being seen.” There was no way I was going to make that work. “It’s going to be fine. You’ll feel better after a nap and something to help you feel better.”
He had the same look my father did when he’d broken his foot and was laid up for weeks.
I should’ve realized that sooner.
Cranky men didn’t do well injured in any way.
“The internet should be able to give us some help.” Maybe a zoo documentary would give good advice?
Had that monster hunter podcast actually said anything productive about Blade when they’d done that episode months ago?
“I’ve got a nice big roast I was going to put in my crockpot tomorrow.
I should’ve done it today but I got distracted coming to find you.
Either way, that’s going to be a good snack for you. ”
How much food would someone of his size eat?
“I’m incredibly uneducated about creatures like you.” A cat? “We’ll figure it out, though.”
I could do anything as long as I was alive and away from my family.
“What are your thoughts on defending your partner?” I might not do a great job at defending myself but he was built different.
When he just stared at me, I decided that might not have been easy to understand.
“Okay, easier questions for the time being, but we’ll come back to that later.
I think it’s time that I start planning what happens next. ”
I needed to pick up the rope so no one hurt themselves.
I needed to figure out if he was going to eat me if I moved.
I needed to decide how we were going to get back to the state park where I’d left my truck.
Making sure to keep petting him, I slowly reached out for the rope with my other hand. He startled a bit but I could feel his muscles relaxing quickly. “That’s right. We’re both safe and I’m just going to secure this and put it in my backpack.”
Huh?
For whatever reason something made his ears twitch again. I went still as I tried to decide what I’d done, but before I could figure anything out, he huffed and stood up on all fours.
He sounded just as dramatic as Uncle Fred when he got up out of his chair.
“You might be older than I thought.” Could he actually be the original beast that had been in the papers since the fifties? “We’ll figure that out too. You might need supplements or something for your joints.”
Or for his mood because he really looked frustrated as he walked over and…son of a gun…picked up my backpack.
“What the fuck, dude?” It wasn’t the politest response, so when he dropped it at my side I tried again. “Thank you. Good boy, Blade.”
Fucking hell.
Why was that better?
The damned murder kitty purred again as he lay down beside me.
“I have so many questions.” A list of them that was growing by the second. “One thing at a time, though.”
Clean up first.
That was boring as I wound up the net so it would fit in my bag, but I got it done eventually. Blade seemed to think I’d fucked up somehow based on his huffs and the way he started to shift, but it wasn’t until he nudged at the backpack with his nose that I realized the problem. “Water.”
Yep, definitely couldn’t kill him.
It was probably a drop from all the crazy and finally feeling safe again, but that was the point where I noticed my hands were shaking as I opened the water and I felt hotter than I should have. “And my snack. Thank you for taking care of me.”
I really needed to step up on that when murder kitty did a better job.
“I think I need to reevaluate what I put in this next time I go anywhere remote.” I’d based what I thought I’d need on what my father would’ve likely said but that’d clearly been a questionable decision at best. “More ways to get myself out of difficult situations needs to go higher on my packing list.”
And the gun I probably would never use needed to go at the bottom.
Of the list.
It was currently at the bottom of the backpack and I was planning on keeping it there. If my murder kitty knew what a backpack was, he was smart enough to understand what was secured at the bottom of the pack.
That would definitely get me eaten.
“We’ll talk that out later. Okay. I’ll talk and you’ll listen while I pretend you understand all of it.” I was really good at being both people in a conversation, so it shouldn’t be hard. “We’ll come up with a good list.”
It couldn’t get any worse.
Finishing up my water, I looked at the protein bar I’d picked up the other day at the slightly sketchy gas station I’d found after getting off the interstate.
“You know, every worker in the store I bought this in looked alike. I thought they were just relatives because it seemed like a family business, but now I’m starting to question that. ”
I’d been raised to question a lot but lately I’d just tried to ignore anything weird that didn’t look immediately life-threatening.
“You and I are going to have to decide what my work goals are going forward because this whole monster hunting thing isn’t going as planned. You really should’ve just been a mindless beast but you’ve got a lot of attitude and understand way too much of what I’m saying.”
Shit.
What had I said that might’ve been actually offensive?
I wasn’t going to count the murder kitty stuff because that was factual, so it shouldn’t be offensive.
Right?
Trying to decide the answer, I opened the wrapper and frowned down at the bar. “If I offer you half this, are you going to eat my fingers?” Hmm. “Accidentally, of course.”
Wait.
Could murder kitty eat chocolate chips?
“Damn it. You need to learn to share better.” I might’ve still had all my fingers but I only had a tiny piece of my snack left and he looked very pleased with himself. “If I end up as a murder kitty too because of something weird in your saliva, I’m going to never let you forget this moment.”
He was going to be a handful based on that pleased-as-fuck grin.
Damned cats were all alike.
“Fine. I guess you burn more calories than I do no matter what you are.” We were going to need more snacks but I wasn’t sure how I was going to make that work. “I really need to figure out how to google large cats that don’t look like cats.”
There had to be more of his species and even the boring human scientists that didn’t know about half the fucking things on the planet could agree that just because we couldn’t see it didn’t mean it wasn’t out there.
“I watched a video a couple of months ago about big cats that are coming up into the US from South America.” Could South America be Australia-level weird and we just not know it?
“I’m really hoping we can figure out what you are because you’re smart enough, I’m worried you escaped from your house and someone is looking for you. ”
It wasn’t like someone could put up lost pet flyers for murder kitty.
They’d definitely end up in jail.
Okay, time to see what would happen when I stood up.
“Remember.” Picking up the backpack, I shifted forward slowly to hopefully make my intention clear.
“Standing is perfectly normal and nothing to be scared of. We’re just going to walk together and you’ll get to take care of me in a new way.
This ground is ridiculously difficult to walk on, so you can help keep me from tripping over the roots of these stupid trees. ”
How anything could grow in the stupid sandy soil was beyond me.
“Your human is going up, up, up and you’re going to take good care of your partner.
You’re going to be a good sidekick and keep me safe.
” When I managed to stand with just a few huffs from him and another dramatic sound as he stood, I decided we’d made progress in our relationship.
“Good boy. Thank you for not attacking me. Accidentally, of course.”
Those claws…yep…one startled sneeze and I was going to need an ER visit.
“We’re going to be very careful for a variety of reasons.” And not just because of the knives he had on his paws. “We also need to stay very far away from other people.”
God, I really hoped I could make that work.
“If not, I’m going to need you to ignore the startled screams we’re going to get.” How would those button ladies teach that to their cats? “Nice stranger humans. Yes. Nice stranger humans.”
More research had been necessary before I’d started out on this hunt.
“Good walking, Blade.” For whatever reason, he stuck to my side like glue and even nudged my hand if I moved it too far from his head. “Good pets. Yes. I’m glad you want pets.”
Most species wouldn’t eat something they could snuggle…right?
He wasn’t the right person to ask about that question, so I kept it to myself as we walked and I told him about my trailer and my family…leaving out the murdery bits, of course…because he didn’t need to know about that and I had enough stories to kill time as we made our way back.
Happy stories of the people I’d met made the first hour fly by, but as we got closer to the small state park, I was back to talking about family.
“I think I’ve got a cousin working in one of those weird circuses that aren’t really circuses anymore.
Family gossip made it sound like he’s good at it, but they stopped talking about him when they realized it wasn’t a cover story job and it was his real life. ”
They’d let us get away with a lot if it was for a good cover story…but actually leaving the family wasn’t something they’d forgive.
“You and I are going to have to talk about my family sooner than I was ready to deal with.” They wouldn’t forgive murder kitty either unless I could prove he was a real boring Earth kind of species.
“Our partnership is probably going to be the reason I go no contact with them, but everyone online…all three kinds of online…well, they all say animals before asshole family members. I don’t want you to take that personally and feel bad about it, though. ”
The feedback might’ve been more mixed if my family was nice, but they weren’t, so I was pretty confident about what the comments on that kind of post would be. “Oh, did I tell you about that Am I The Asshole post about the werewolves? That was so bad. Here. I’ll—”
Nothing.
I was going to do nothing but panic.
“No pets in the park.” The ranger who just seemed to have appeared like magic in the middle of the trail we’d finally reached stared at me blankly like we weren’t the weirdest thing he’d ever seen. “I don’t know what he is, but I’m going to classify him as some kind of pet.”
The South was always weirder than I expected it to be.