Chapter 26
Do you enjoy being useless?
I slammed the doors behind me and retreated straight into the bedroom. Fully clothed, I climbed into bed and pulled the blankets over my head. A moment later, scratching sounded on the other side of the door. A soft, raspy mewl followed.
I squeezed my eyes shut and ignored it.
Again came the scratching. Again the pitiful little cry.
But I couldn't make myself move. I lay curled tightly beneath the blankets, trying to shut out the world while my body trembled uncontrollably beneath the heavy covers.
Gods, I wanted a drink.
The craving hit like a physical blow. Sweat dampened my skin even as chills wracked my body hard enough to make my teeth chatter. My stomach churned. Every nerve screamed for numbness—for the heavy warmth of wine to drown all of this out.
Weak. Coward.
I curled tighter beneath the blankets.
Rìan was right about me. Gods help me, he was right.
I'd felt almost invincible earlier when I'd managed to throw him off me. For a little while, I'd actually been proud of myself.
But in a real fight? Against someone who truly wanted me dead? I wouldn't stand a chance. The only useful thing I'd learned that morning was how to create enough space to run. Not fight. Run.
The frightened rat scurrying for cover.
Dimly, I became aware that the pillow beneath my cheek was damp.
Pathetic.
Sometime later, the apartment doors opened. Wheels rattled softly over the floor as servants rolled breakfast carts inside and quietly arranged dishes in the dining room beyond.
A gentle knock came at my bedroom door. Nadja, most likely, but I didn't answer.
Later still, I heard the servants leave the apartment altogether. By then, the kitten had stopped scratching. Nadja must have fed it. Probably let it into the courtyard.
Self-loathing washed over me so fiercely my chest ached.
How useless was I, that I couldn't even care for a half-starved kitten?
It wasn't until night had fallen, and the servants had come and gone a third time after laying out dinner, that I finally pushed myself upright.
I shuffled to the dining table and poured myself a cup of tea, ignoring the platter of grilled fish and roasted vegetables. The rich smell turned my stomach.
I pulled open the glass doors overlooking the bay, and frigid wind swept immediately into the apartments. I snatched my cloak from its hook and wrapped it tightly around my shoulders before carrying my tea outside.
I sat and watched the sea.
My tea cooled quickly. Before long, my cheeks stung from the wind, my nose ran, and my fingers had gone so numb that I set the cup aside and tucked my hands beneath my thighs, trying in vain to warm them.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the kitten slink out onto the terrace. It gave a luxurious stretch, arching its back and flashing its claws before wandering toward me.
“Hello, little monster,” I murmured.
It answered with a soft meow before hopping neatly into my lap. Absently, I began stroking it. Its fur was unbelievably soft beneath my hand, its scrawny body radiating warmth like a miniature brazier. Almost immediately, that deep, steady purr started up again.
I let out a slow breath. “I’ve had a bad day,” I told it quietly. Then I gave a hollow little laugh. “Maybe a bad life.”
The kitten stared up at me with those bright green eyes as though it genuinely cared what I had to say.
“I miss him so much,” I whispered, and my voice cracked around the words. “I know he would’ve forgiven me. He never would’ve blamed me for what happened. But how am I supposed to forgive myself?”
The kitten blinked slowly.
“Everything I touch turns to ash,” I said bitterly, staring out across the tenebrous sea.
The kitten yawned extravagantly, showing off its sharp little teeth and rough pink tongue before promptly closing its eyes. Within moments, it was asleep.
Still, I kept stroking it. The warmth of its little body in my lap, the softness of its coat beneath my fingers, the steady, repetitive motion—all of it slowly quieted the chaos inside me.
I wished Levinica were better.
She would've laughed herself breathless when I told her about my lesson—how I'd bested Rìan. Me. A useless, illiterate drunk.
I smiled into the darkness. Two of those things were no longer true. As for the last... I was working on it.
Today had been a victory, no matter how hard he'd tried to turn it into a failure afterward with that damned bow. If only Levinica were here to hear about it.
I could picture the delighted little gasp she'd make when I told her I'd sent Rìan sprawling backward the first time. And the second. And the third. Once I'd understood the trick of it, I'd figured out the rest myself. Just like reading. She would’ve loved that.
The smile slipped from my face.
Levinica.
When would she come back? What if... one day she couldn't?
If only there was something I could do to help her. If only there was—
My hand froze against the kitten's fur. Immediately, one emerald eye cracked open and it let out an annoyed little meow, demanding I continue petting it.
“Maybe…” I whispered.
The kitten lifted its head.
I shot to my feet, the kitten letting out a startled squeak as I scooped it up and tucked it securely beneath my cloak.
I stepped back into the apartment to find Nadja standing silently against the wall. I wasn't sure how long she'd been there.
“Take me to Levinica,” I said, breathless.
Her eyes widened.
“Please,” I pressed. “I need to see her. Right now.”
Immediately, she began shaking her head, launching into frantic gestures too fast for me to follow. Still, I understood enough.
Lady Levinica is not to be disturbed.
“It's important,” I insisted.
She shook her head again.
Frustration flared. Without another word, I strode across the apartment, threw open the doors, and stormed into the corridor beyond.
“Veylan!” I shouted, my voice echoing through the empty halls. “Veylan!”
“I am not to be summoned like some common servant.” The drawling voice behind me made me whirl.
Veylan stepped soundlessly from the deepest shadows of the corridor, as though he'd been part of them all along. “Especially not by the likes of you,” he added dryly.
“Oh, please,” I scoffed. “As if you weren't already lurking there.”
He pouted. “I don't lurk.”
“Take me to Levinica.”
He blinked at me, as though the request had genuinely caught him off guard. “No.” He turned, already melting back into the shadows.
“It’s important!” I blurted.
That stopped him. Slowly, he half-turned back toward me, his profile sharp against the guttering lamplight. “Important how?”
“I remembered something. Something she needs. About Dannis.” The lie curdled in my stomach, but I didn't let it reach my face.
His storm-colored eyes slitted. For one long moment, I was certain he saw straight through me. Then, at last: “Follow me.”
He turned without another word and set off down the corridor at such a brisk pace I nearly had to jog to keep up.
We wound through endless hallways and large, open chambers awash in silver-blue moonlight.
Up one staircase. Down another. Across a bridge suspended between two towers.
Through a quiet courtyard where water murmured from a cracked fountain shaped like a crescent moon embracing the sun.
The castle unfolded around me like a labyrinth.
When we finally reached a pair of enormous carved doors, Veylan didn't bother knocking. He pushed them open and strode inside.
Silk curtains hung limp while crystal lanterns suspended from the ceiling cast muted light across plush ivory carpets. Everything was washed in gold, pearl, and soft cream. A fire burned quietly in an enormous white marble hearth.
And there, seated beside the darkened windows where the bay should have been visible beyond the glass, sat Levinica. I stopped short.
She looked terrible.
Her eyes were distant, unfocused. The delicate planes of her face were hollowed by exhaustion and grief, her skin pale and almost waxen. Even her long dark hair—usually so soft and luminous—hung dull around her shoulders, despite clearly having been brushed and carefully tended.
That awful pull slowed my steps—then stopped me dead when I saw him sitting beside her.
Rìan.
He leaned toward her, murmuring, his voice a low, deep rumble that sounded almost gentle. One of Levinica's gloved hands rested loosely in his. But Levinica herself remained utterly still, her fingers limp in his grasp, as though she barely knew he was there.
Segolayne stood rigid against the wall, concern and sorrow marring her usually disdainful face as she watched her mistress in silence. A fresh stab of shame went through me as my gaze caught on the pale pink scar lancing across her face.
Rìan’s head snapped toward me. Levinica didn’t react at all.
He released her hand and rose to his full height, his expression turning lethal. “Get her out of here.”
Veylan dipped his head. “She said she has information. About Dannis.”
Rìan stilled. Slowly, his attention returned to me, his eyes flashing dangerously. “What information?”
He took a threatening step toward me. The knife at his belt caught the firelight, the eight-pointed star carved into its bone hilt unmistakable even from across the room.
My knife. The one my father had given me.
I pressed my lips together, swallowing the anger threatening to spill free. He'd stolen it from me the night I'd released him from the Veil.
His fingers rested against the hilt, the firelight casting shadows across the hawk-like angles of his face. He looked less like a prince than death itself.
Before I could say a word—the kitten exploded out from beneath my cloak.
“Shit!”
I fumbled for it instinctively, but the little monster tore free and bolted across the carpet. It skidded to a halt the moment it spotted Rìan. Every hair on its body puffed outward as it arched its back and unleashed a furious volley of hisses and spits.
Rìan stared at it. “What in gods’ names is that?”
“What does it look like?” I snapped, lunging forward to snatch the furious kitten back up.
Across the room, Segolayne had already drawn a knife.
“Put that away,” I snapped. “It’s a kitten.”
Her lip curled in disgust, pulling the scar across her face taut. Even healed, it looked angry and raw against her otherwise pretty features. At least I hadn't taken her eye... though I'd come dangerously close.
Rìan took another step closer. The kitten immediately let out a warning yowl and bunched in my arms, as though fully prepared to launch itself straight at him.
He stopped where he was. “What do you think you’re doing?”
I lifted my chin. This was a stupid idea. “I need to see her.”
“Do you have information or not?”
“Not,” I replied evenly. “I lied.”
Behind me, Veylan muttered a curse.
A low warning growl rumbled through Rìan's chest.
Absurdly, the kitten growled back. The sound was tiny and utterly ridiculous coming from such a scraggly little creature, yet it carried enough genuine menace that one of Rìan's brows lifted.
“Is that rodent feral?”
“No,” I said, fixing him with a hard glare. It just hates you. The words never left my mouth, but I knew he'd heard them anyway. “Let me see her,” I insisted again. “I’m not going to hurt her. She’s the only person in this damn castle I actually like.”
The corner of his mouth twitched. Or perhaps it was only the shifting firelight.
After a long pause, he stepped aside.
Immediately, I moved past him to Levinica. I knelt beside her chair and gently took one of her gloved hands in mine, my other arm still grappling with the writhing kitten. She didn't so much as glance at me. Her gaze remained fixed on the night beyond the windows.
“Levinica,” I murmured softly, giving her hand a gentle squeeze. “It’s me.”
Nothing.
“I have someone I’d like you to meet.”
Carefully, I began peeling the glove from her hand.
Segolayne surged forward, outrage flashing across her face—but Rìan lifted a single hand without looking at her, every ounce of his attention heavy on me. She stopped at once.
I took great care not to brush Levinica's skin. I didn't want my touch to send her spiraling further into herself. Once one glove was off, I eased the other free until both her hands lay bare in her lap. Then, silently praying I wasn’t making another catastrophic mistake—
I lowered the kitten gently onto her knees.
The creature immediately curled into a ball and began purring thunderously. Very gently, I guided Levinica's wrists downward by the soft fabric of her sleeves until her fingertips brushed against the kitten's velvet-soft coat.
I held my breath. For one terrible moment, nothing happened.
Then her fingers flexed. And curled into the ebony fur.
My breath caught. When I looked back up at her, Levinica was staring down at the little beast. A faint flicker of awareness sparked in her eyes, fragile and wavering, like someone slowly rising from deep black water.
Hope rose so sharply in my chest it almost hurt—and vanished suddenly.
I glanced up, startled. Rìan stood motionless against the wall, his face as cold and composed as ever.
I shook the feeling off and turned hastily back to Levinica. “He’s a bit of a demanding little menace,” I said softly. “But mostly sweet-hearted. Hopefully he doesn’t destroy all your beautiful things.”
Vacantly, she nodded.
Behind me, Segolayne sucked in a breath. Rìan stiffened where he stood. I realized instantly it was more response than Levinica had shown in days.
Carefully, I rubbed the kitten’s head with my thumb.
“Don’t be too naughty,” I whispered to it before dropping my voice and jerking my chin subtly toward Rìan. “Though I fully support you making his life miserable.”
From somewhere in the shadows, Veylan snorted softly.
Levinica's hand moved again, slowly stroking the kitten's fur. It answered with a deep, contented purr.
I rose quietly to my feet and turned toward the door.
Rìan stepped into my path so abruptly I nearly walked straight into him.
Slowly, I lifted my gaze to meet his. My heart stuttered at what I found there.
Where his eyes were usually shuttered and guarded, now they seemed impossibly deep, dark enough to drown in.
His lips parted as though he meant to speak, then closed again.
“I don’t care what you say.” My voice came rough and shaking. “You’re wrong about me.”
I stepped closer, closing the distance until my chest nearly brushed his.
“I am not useless,” I said, putting every scrap of steel I possessed into the words. “But I am not touching that fucking bow again.”
He held my gaze, his eyes pulling me deeper and deeper. Something tightened low in my belly. Finally, he dipped his chin once.
I released a breath and turned away, relief mingling with a small thrill of victory as I strode past him into the hallway.
For once, Veylan remained silent as he escorted me back to my rooms.
Somewhere along the way, I realized I was smiling.