Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Keeping the lines from blurring is turning out to be a lot harder than I expected.
The moment I decided to stop fighting back and to try to be his friend was the moment life on this ship became tolerable, like when the tumblers in a lock fall into place, and a door opens.
I still avoid him as much as possible, but it is easier to exist in the same space when we aren’t at each other’s throats.
Whenever it is necessary to interact, we do, and it is…
fine. Which is confusing, and I have to repeat the mantra that this is all part of the game constantly in my head.
But now that I am not trying to sneak away, and he is not trying to keep me under tight control, we can move in the same orbit and I don’t have a constant feeling of hatred clouding my every move and word.
Otherwise, I spend my time elsewhere, running my shifts, playing with Fin, talking with the girls.
I still feel like there are eyes on me constantly, watching my every move and hopefully deeming me trustworthy, but the days here have become so normal, so familiar, that it is hard to vilify the people I’m spending all this time with.
One night after dinner, Auralie and I decide to pull out some games and activities in the lounge to break up the monotony. She had taught us a card game she played growing up that can easily include all of us, so we move the cushions around and spread out on the floor to play.
Eirlik, Veck, and Ryum lounge in the chairs off to the side, passing a bottle between them and talking quietly, while laughter and noise softly echoes through other parts of the ship. Fin lies on the floor next to me, looking at a stack of picture books that appeared on the ship after he arrived.
It feels so comfortable and ordinary, it’s almost…enjoyable.
I never thought I would actually feel any positive emotions on this ship, and it’s pleasant and terrifying at the same time.
Sig flips a card over and Auralie groans, passing one from her hand across the circle to me.
I smile and shuffle my cards around when a door closes behind me and multiple sets of footsteps approach from down the hall.
I glance over my shoulder, my eyes falling on Weston as he walks toward us, Jorn following closely behind, their bodies strapped down with weapons.
Something that feels too much like worry fills my stomach. Weston never leaves, and I’ve never seen him this armed before.
Did something happen that we should know about? Was there another Voyager who found the waters?
Before I can stop myself, words are spewing from my mouth, betraying my feelings of unease.
“Where are you going?” I ask, the question making them stop just in front of the stairs.
Weston stands facing us, his hand resting on the hilt of his sword, and I focus on his face, fighting the urge to run my eyes over the rest of him.
Don’t get comfortable. This is part of the game. This is part of the game.
“Out on my shift,” he says, directly to me, as if no one else in the room exists.
Of course, Lennox, because you’re the one who asked.
“Bye mister Weston!” Fin yells, as he jumps up, running to wrap his arms around Weston’s legs and squeezing them tightly.
Weston finally pulls his gaze away, his chin dipping to look down at Fin as he rustles his hair.
My chest tightens at the movement, and I take a deep breath to clear it before Fin is sprinting back to my side, plopping back down with his books.
I set my cards down in front of me and spin so I’m facing him.
“You’ve never had a shift before.” It’s not a question, but he answers what he knows I’m asking.
“Veck took over for me,” he says, nodding toward where Veck sits across the room.
“But now he’s back!” Jorn cheers, shaking Weston by both his shoulders. He lets out a loud crow, then steps around him, closing the space between him and Sig, and dropping down to plant a quick kiss on her lips.
“Let’s go!” he yells, before turning and running up the stairs.
Weston plants his boot on the first step, but pauses. His eyes catch mine and one corner of his lips turns up.
“Don’t wait up for me, princess.”
My skin is on fire as I hold his gaze for a moment too long; long enough for his smirk to deepen and laughter to sparkle in his eyes. He turns away and jogs up the steps, leaving me staring after him.
What was that?
Was Weston joking with me? Does he know I suspect he stays awake every night when I’m out on shift, pretending to be asleep and only relaxing as soon as I am locked back in the room? And why were his words laced with challenge?
I’m still staring at the now empty space where he just stood when Stassia breaks my daze.
“Whew! I need to go up to the main deck to cool off because that was hot.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I mutter, spinning back around and picking up my cards. I stare down at them, hoping my face doesn’t give away the fire that is still smoldering under the surface. Shuffling the cards in my hand, I wait for Auralie to take her turn.
“That eye contact,” Stassia says, fanning herself with her cards. “What I wouldn’t give to have a man look at me like that.”
“There was no look. You must be seeing things,” I say as Auralie sets down one of her cards with a giggle. Stassia stares at me, eyes wide and mouth open in an exaggerated look of disbelief.
“I can see your hand, Stass,” I say, as she slams her mouth shut, pulling her cards to her chest.
I smile down at my hand. This is the first time I’ve rendered Stass speechless, and it feels better than winning a spar in the ring back home.
Movement catches my eye, and I look over to see Sig smiling at me.
I assume I’m going to have to defend myself again about whatever that was, when I realize that’s not why she’s smiling.
I used Stassia’s nickname without thinking, and it felt normal.
Easy.
Shaking my head, I try to push away the guilt I have actually been happy amongst everyone here, and focus on the game.
We play a few more rounds until most of us are yawning, and Fin lies sprawled out across the floor at my side, softly snoring.
Sig and I wake him just enough to walk him to his bed and get him tucked in, since Weston isn’t here to do it before everyone disperses for the night.
Once I’m back in the room, it’s as if all of my drowsiness disappears and restlessness takes its place.
The room feels…empty.
I haven’t slept alone since they let me out of the brig, and while I should be overjoyed that Weston is gone, it doesn’t feel right, even though I know I shouldn’t care.
I shouldn’t be thinking about being alone here. I shouldn’t be thinking about falling asleep without his steady breathing on the other side of the bed.
It shouldn’t feel like this.
My sigh comes out more like a huff, and I walk to my side of the bed, changing quickly before sliding between the sheets.
The desire to glance over to his empty space pricks at me, so I stare at the wooden ceiling as the flames in the sconces dim around me, casting the room into darkness, ready for sleep.
But sleep doesn’t come. My mind won’t stop cycling through, trying to decipher everything that has happened tonight.
You’re just pretending to be close to them, Lennox. You aren’t actually close.
I repeat the words in my head as I stare at the dark ceiling, listening to the lap of the water against the ship, but the more they cycle through my mind, the more it feels like I’m not only lying to all of them.
I worry that I’m lying to myself.
What feels like hours pass as I lie awake, tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable because of the constant reel of thoughts flying through my mind.
I sit up with a groan, shoving the lush pillows behind me and propping myself against the headboard.
This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t be lying awake like this. There is absolutely no reason I should be worried about Weston on his shift. He’s the captain. He will return when he returns.
Staring out over the room, I’m contemplating getting dressed again and going to see if anyone is still awake when I hear a small thump beside me. I turn toward my normally empty bedside table to find a book and a small candle.
Reaching over, I pick it up and run my fingers over the worn leather cover.
The Maiden’s Moonlight Venture.
I’ve read this book before. It’s one of my favorites from Tila’s shelf, about a woman who gets caught up in a quest, and meets a handsome prince along the way. I smile up at the ceiling and thank the island for giving me this small form of comfort.
A flame flickers, lighting the candle and casting my space in a soft glow.
I open the cover and immediately relax as my fingers brush the thick pages.
It feels like ages since I’ve read. The last time I opened a book was with Dane in the library, and it isn’t until this moment that I realize how much I miss it.
I turn to the beginning and gobble up the text, turning page after page as my mind plummets into the familiarity of the story. Sinking down into the pillows, I ignore the world around me: the empty room, the emotions, the conversations, and immerse myself into one of my beloved stories.