Chapter 17 Bear
I’m alone in my office, the clubhouse breathing around me like a beast half-asleep.
I spoke to Olivia earlier. I was shocked when she called, but she wanted to share her happiness with me and tell me that she’d finally told Blade part of the truth.
God, the joy in her voice was a deep pain, but also good.
I want her to be happy—no matter how it cuts out my heart.
Still, despite her being relaxed and full of happiness, I knew Blade would be here soon.
He’d be demanding that I let him tell her the truth.
I can’t allow it. I’m not worried about her letting our secrets out—despite what I keep telling him.
No, the truth is, if Olivia finds out Blade’s my little brother, it wouldn’t be good.
If she discovered he was my Vice President, it would worse.
Olivia would cut him off and probably me, too.
I can’t risk that. I’m staying sane by having her in my life. If that ends …
I can’t even think about that possibility.
So, I warned the brothers. I ordered them to give Blade a wide berth. I also told them to let us have this. I lean back in my chair, waiting. The bottle behind my desk looks at me like an old friend that always tells the truth, and the urge to drink it is stronger than it has ever been.
I think about this morning—Ayita making too strong coffee and laughing at how the sun hits the pot.
She hummed while flipping eggs. The woman was happy.
For the first time in way too long, her joy warmed me.
Now, that’s a distant memory because Blade is going to be here, and he’s going to demand information on the Feral Kings.
I have to find a way to mitigate the damage.
I can’t allow my brother to charge in half-cocked.
Ranger and I will work on bringing the Kings down.
I need my club and my brother concentrating on our future.
We need this casino to be the only priority at the moment.
I remember ending Buzzard’s life like a bad movie I can’t stop seeing.
He was the fucker who was reaming his dick into Mavis while she was snorting coke.
I’d be a rich man if I had a dollar for every fucking time that I wished I’d made the bastard suffer more.
I can’t go back, but God, the need to is almost staggering at times.
I didn’t make the asshole suffer for what he did to my woman …
I stop. For what he did to Blade’s woman.
Olivia isn’t mine. She will never be mine.
You’d think I’d get that through my head after all this time.
My jaw tightens until my molars ache with that thought. I shake my head to clear it.
The door to my office opens so forcefully that it slams hard against the wall and rattles the fucking windows.
Blade looks like a man who’s gutted from the inside.
Sadly, it’s a look I know all too well. He looks at me and I can tell that right now he wants to choke the life out of me.
If he only knew the number of times I’d welcome that.
“Why in the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he snarls, anger causing his entire body to vibrate.
“When?” I ask, flippantly. “When should I have told you? Back when I first found out? You didn’t even know who Olivia was.
You were getting ready to head off to school.
” My voice is flat, even though heat is climbing my throat.
“I never told you after I killed the fucker, because it wasn’t a club concern.
I contained it so war didn’t break out. We weren’t in any shape for a war back then.
Hell, we still aren’t. We have to think of the community and the good this casino is going to do.
Everything needs to keep smelling like roses.
We have to rise above the need to wipe the Feral Kings off the earth—at least for now. ”
“You should have told me everything,” Blade fires.
I shrug, acting like my heart isn’t involved when it comes to Olivia, just as much as his—if not more.
“It was Olivia’s story to share with you.
She had so much taken from her. I will not take the right to tell her story to others away.
It will always be her decision. What did Olivia tell you?
” I ask, though I already know the answer.
“I don’t think she gave me the whole story.
Seems to be a habit with her. I know she probably has trust issues, but I can’t lie— it’s annoying the fuck out of me.
I feel like she’s never quite telling me the entire story on anything important.
Still, I wouldn’t change anything. She gave me a gift even more important than her body last night. ”
“What do you mean?” I ask, not sure I want to know.
“Last night she told me she loved me,” he says, with a faint smile, despite his anger.
“She did?” my tongue feels numb, the words much too heavy to bear.
It takes everything I am not to reveal how those words make me feel.
My hands want to turn into fists. My chest feels like it must be bleeding because my heart has just been ripped out.
I push those feelings down, but it’s not easy.
It’s so fucking hard that for the first time in my life I want to fucking cry.
Jesus.
Olivia is not mine. She never will be. I knew he would claim what I lost. I knew it the day I realized she was mine only in a life that no longer existed.
I told myself I was okay with that because Blade is my brother.
I want his happiness more than anything.
Olivia is perfect for him. She deserves a man who can give her everything—can love her freely—without hurting another woman in the process.
I deserve to stay on the periphery and keep watch.
I did this to myself.
That doesn’t mean her saying she loves him doesn’t flay me open and make my throat seize when images of her in his bed flash through my head. I force myself to look at my brother. He keeps talking, not knowing the holes that his words leave inside me.
“I asked her about why she was so afraid—because she wasn’t a virgin—and that’s when she told me about the rape and how you took care of the asshole.” He looks at me, waiting for the rest. “She didn’t expand. She gave me the basics and that was it.”
“It’s not a pleasant conversation,” I say. “Maybe it was too hard for her to talk about.”
“Maybe,” he agrees. “But when we spoke about past relationships, she mentioned having fallen in love once before.”
“So? Hell, Blade?” I say, coughing up a laugh that isn’t funny.
“I’m old and I’ve only been in love once too.
” My heart felt dead a moment ago, but now it’s pounding in my chest with the force of a shotgun.
I know Olivia was talking about me. I don’t question it at all, and still, after all these years, the knowledge leaves me raw.
“Which one? Did you love Mavis or are you in love with Ayi?” Blade asks.
I growl. “I didn’t love Mavis. I felt responsibility. I brought her into the club and the shit we dealt in destroyed her life, Blade,” I snap.
I don’t mention Ayita. I let him draw his own conclusions—as wrong as they will be. If I utter them, they will taste like old rust on my tongue. I don’t want to lie to my brother. It’s better if he never knows. Him knowing the truth won’t help anyone at this point.
Blade nods, taking the bait like I knew he would. “I’m glad you found Ayita and you can feel what I have for Olivia. It makes life worth living, brother.”
I nod, because he’s right. If Olivia had left my life years ago like I deserved, I would have stopped trying.
“Anyway, that’s why it feels like she’s only giving me half-truths. The man she loved… he’s still in her life and here I am—once more—with no name.”
“She wouldn’t tell you who it was?” I ask, doing my best to keep my voice normal.
“No,” Blade says. “She wouldn’t. She just said it was a man that was still in her life, despite the bastard breaking her heart. The asshole started something with her knowing he had a wife at home. He kept it hidden. What kind of fucking lowlife could do that to someone like Livy?”
“Maybe he loved her too,” I suggest, each word painful.
“I just don’t understand it. How could she want someone like that in her life—let alone call him a friend?
Hell, she even said that she’s close with his wife now.
I don’t get it. I want to find the asshole and choke the life out of him for hurting her and then thank him for fucking up. Christ, I’m a damn mess.”
“Have you seen her talking to a married couple? To know who the man might be,” I blurt out. Part of me is thinking if my brother finds out the truth on his own, then I can find a way to have Olivia again. Confess to her that I will always love her …
Blade laughs, a short rough sound. “No. Honestly, the only couple I’ve ever seen her around is you and Ayita. We both know that’s not it. You’d never destroy a woman as damaged as Olivia like that fucker did. I figure it’s one of the fuck-wads she works with.”
My chest collapses inward. My mouth aches to confess, to tell Blade everything and let the truth fall like a grenade, but I don’t.
I can’t. “Blade, Olivia is damaged, you’re right.
If you love her—truly love her—give her time.
She’ll give you more of herself. It may take years, but a good woman is worth the wait. ”
Blade runs his hand through his short hair, jaw working. “I guess you’re right. I mean, you and Ayita are a prime example of what love can do. I never thought you’d ever let anyone in after what Mavis did to you.”
Guilt presses against my ribs. I stand. The next words I give him come from my heart but hurt just as much as the other ones. I feel like I’m slowly dying. “Hold onto her, brother. A good woman’s love—don’t let anything stand in your way. If you do, you’ll regret it until your dying breath.”
“She gave me her heart, Bear. She told me she loves me. I’m not about to let her go,” his voice cracks with a kind of rawness that nearly finishes me off. “It may take time, but I’ll get her to accept my life in the club. We’ll make it work.”
Hearing him say it, knowing how he’ll fight for her, the pain curdles into something almost like acceptance.
Blade and Olivia—my brother and the woman who owns the now empty and numb space in my chest. They come before anything.
They always have and they always will. Blade and I hug, the kind of hug brothers give each other that says everything and nothing all at the same time.
When he leaves, I don’t move for a long time. I open the whiskey and take a slug that burns away the edges. The door opens and Ranger slips in, face creased with worry.
“You alright, Bear?” he asks.
“Just saying goodbye to the past,” I say and take another drink.
“You see Blade leave?”
I nod. “He’s claimed Olivia as his old lady.”
Ranger’s face darkens. “Does he know she’s Eyeball’s sister? That’s going to cause a war, Bear. Besides, I heard she’s been promised to Demon. Demon’s talking like he’s going to make her his old lady and turn her into the club’s chew toy.”
Something cold slides across me. “Where’d you hear that?”
Ranger shifts. “I was at Ricky’s Roadhouse with a buddy on leave. Demon came in and was bragging to some other idiot he was with. He said Eyeball promised him his sister. Said he was going to take Olivia and show her what it means to be an old lady in the Feral Kings.”
My hand tightens on the bottle until glass kisses skin. “Eyeball and Demon need to be put down like the rabid dogs they are,” I growl. There’s no question in it—only a promise. “We’ve got too much shit going on, but they need to go.”
“How we goin’ to do that?” Ranger asks. “Eyeball’s got heavy hitters backing him. They’ve got numbers.”
“We do it small,” I say. “Keep tabs. Find when Eyeball and Demon are out. Me and you, working together like we did in the early days. We swoop in and take them out. Quiet. No war. If they’re gone, Lucky steps up—he doesn’t have interest in us.
Word is he’s got his sights on taking out the Savage Brothers in Kentucky.
That means he’d push elsewhere and give us room to breathe.
Lucky has always been the brains of that club anyway.
Eyeball and Demon are nothing more than figureheads Lucky easily controls. ”
Ranger’s face goes from disgust to slow comprehension. “What makes you say Lucky’s the brains?”
“It’s just apparent. Hell, most of the clubs we deal with are always laughing at Eyeball and Demon for being dumbasses. If we take out those idiots, the rest fall in different directions. It’s about leverage and numbers.”
Ranger nods. “Alright. I’ll keep my ear to the ground.”
“Does that mean you’re in?” I ask.
He smiles grimly. “I’d be pissed if you tried without me.”
“Good.” I set the bottle down and we shake hands. Solid, old-man club handshake—no bullshit. Ranger asks, quietly, “You ever look back and regret choices you’ve made?”
I close my eyes. The past is a feral animal that scrapes at the edges of the present. “Yeah,” I admit. “But you can’t go back. You play the cards in your hand. That’s all you can do.”
“That’s the damn truth,” he says, before leaving.
I sit, eyes shut, whiskey numbing the sharpest parts.
I wish like hell I could go back and do it all differently.
The only thing I can do now is protect what I have left.
Keep Olivia safe—give her a life where she doesn’t have to look over her shoulder.
Even if that life means she lives it with my brother. Even if it kills me slow.
I pour another swallow and for a second the world tilts and all I can hear is Olivia’s laughter and her smile after we kissed.
I want to crawl back into that day and stay forever.
But men like me don’t get do-overs. We get whiskey, plans, and the weight of the path we’ve chosen.
I lift the bottle to my lips and drink for the past, the future, and for the woman who once laid her head on my chest and made me believe I could be anything but the man I am.
The woman I let down. The woman who loves my brother.