Chapter 9
CHAPTER NINE
As I walked toward what felt like my destiny—or possibly my decapitation—all movement on the beach ceased. Even the music stopped. Phyllis was up high in the bleachers, smoking like a chimney. Drogruzun, aka Mr. Rogers, Ezzanod, aka Mr. McFeely and Brolrath, aka Pee-wee Herman glared at me with fury in their eyes. It was seriously difficult to reconcile that their bodies were Demonic and their faces were sweet and adorable. It made them even more terrifying.
“Be prepared to die, repugnant plebian,” Drogruzun bellowed in a British accent, flexing his massive muscles and baring his teeth.
“That bastard just insulted you by calling you common,” Pandora hissed. “His scrawny balls are first on the chopping block. Say this—'Not if I end you first, you bloody tosser cock-up wanker.’ His pea-brain will understand it. It’s British insult slang.”
“Seriously?” I asked, speaking softly and barely moving my lips. “Won’t that piss him off?”
“Get the cotton out of your mouth. I can barely understand you.” Pandora sounded annoyed.
I sucked in a huge gulp of salty air as I resisted the urge to scream at her or, even more detrimental to my chances of winning this game, maim myself so she’d feel it. “I’m talking covertly because I don’t want them to hear me talking to you. I’m doing a ventriloquist kind of thing, Shitty Whore.”
“Oh. Okay, jackass. Makes sense. Anyway, it sounds to me like he’s already pissed off. Do not let him win a war of words. Stay on top. Shits like him respect appalling behavior and unadulterated violence. Trust me, I know. I used to be like that… I mean, I am like that,” she insisted, sounding a little discombobulated at her misstep. “Infer that he has a tiny penis.”
“Wait. What?”
“Just DO IT,” she yelled.
Having no clue what was about to come out of my mouth, I followed the directions. The only thing my rattled brain could remember from what she’d just said was to make fun of his junk. This was a life or semi-permanent death situation. I wasn’t going to mess it up. “Well, well, well,” I said with a wide and forced grin that seemed to bewilder him. “Aren’t you just a ball of sunshine whose pecker is so tiny you could screw the holes of a pasta strainer.”
Both Ezzanod’s and Brolrath’s eyes grew wide, then they roared with laughter.
Drogruzun shook his fists with rage. “Take that back. I will destroy you!”
“I’m so sorry. You’re right,” I said, sounding the opposite of contrite. “That’s not what I meant. I meant that your peepee is so minute that you could masturbate through the slits of a fork.”
“Genius,” Pandora squealed.
Ezzanod and Brolrath fell to the sand. They were cackling and wheezing, tears streaming down their faces as they rolled around.
Drogruzun was not amused. The larger-than-life Demon was fuming, smoke tendrils literally coming out of his giant ears. He was furious.
“I will make you regret those words, filthy wench,” he snarled, drawing his purple fire sword.
“Is that the best comeback he’s got?” Pandora asked, her disappointment evident. “What kind of Demons are we breeding these days?”
I ignored her and gave Drogruzun, who looked ready to murder me, my full attention. “Funny thing,” I said, raising both hands high and producing two fire swords. “I don’t believe in regret. I find it to be a waste of time. Also, I find it amusing that you would call me filthy, considering you smell like a giant butt.”
“Points for creativity!” Pandora yelled
“Oh! I almost forgot.” I pointed my sword at the Demon oaf. “Word on the street is that your gal pal took your eeny-weenie to court, and it got thrown out for lack of evidence.” He looked dumbfounded as to my meaning, so I added, “There wasn’t enough material present for a DNA test. Too small a sample.”
Drogruzun beat his hands against his chest, threw back his head and roared in fury.
“Yesssssss,” Pandora cheered. “Winning!”
The two Demons on the ground were still rolling around and squealing with laughter. The amount of sand being kicked up was substantial. I was slightly concerned Brolrath might choke to death, but there was no way I was going to save him. Mouth-to-mouth resuscitation was not on the table. Besides, if he offed himself, he would come back from it since no one stayed dead here.
Drogruzun had taken a few steps back when he saw that I had not one but two fire swords. I watched him as he considered his next move. If he attacked me, it would be his last move. Well, his last move until he came back from the dead and tried to kill me again.
I was a Goddess of the Darkness. Unsure if my authority extended to Demons in a dream state, it was worth a try. “Get up. Now,” I ordered the two rolling Demons, using my Lieutenant Dede Desiree Duke voice from Phoenix Police Academy .
It worked. Ezzanod and Brolrath were a bit confused as to how I’d gone from comedienne to commander but obeyed. Drogruzun, pride sufficiently damaged, still wanted to remove my head, but the badass tone, along with my two swords, kept the asshole in line for the time being.
“Do any of you know the rules of the obstacle course?” I asked. “I’m a little short on time and need to get this crap over with.”
“Umm, no,” Brolrath said, shaking his huge head. His voice sounded like he’d chewed up broken glass and swallowed it—nothing at all like Pee-wee Herman’s. “We thought you would know.”
“How would I know?” I asked, puzzled.
“Because you’re the girl,” Ezzanod replied as if that made perfect sense.
“Youse is barkin’ up the wrong tree,” Phyllis said from right behind me.
I screamed and almost jumped out of my skin. It wasn’t a badass or even a Lieutenant Dede Desiree Duke move, but the talking ashtray startled me. I hadn’t even seen her get off the bleachers.
I looked around at the island’s trees. All the palms in the area were filled with brightly colored red, yellow, and blue birds the size of vultures, and sporting horns and razor-sharp fangs. I really hoped that I wasn’t going to have to deal with them on any kind of one-to-one basis. I didn’t mind slicing and dicing Demons, but animals were another story—even animals who looked like they could eat me for dinner.
“Which tree should I bark up?” I questioned Phyllis tersely. Trusting the small woman was iffy. But seeing that my other option was the Demons, who didn’t like me much—well, at least one of them didn’t like me—the choice was made for me.
“Own the narrative, Cecily,” Pandora urged forcefully.
I had no idea what she meant.
“Youse have got youse a pretty smart Guardian Angel,” Phyllis commented, handing out lit cigs to everyone. I passed. The Demons didn’t. “Youse might wanna listen to her. Two minds are always better than one. And all of youse, put dem purple swords away.”
I still had no clue what either of them was talking about. Although, it was now beyond clear that Phyllis could hear Pandora. I shook my head and sighed as I retracted my magical swords. It was laughable to call the Demon squatting in my body a Guardian Angel. It was also weird watching Mr. Rodgers, Mr. McFeely and Pee-wee Herman smoke.
Showing my ignorance wasn’t going to happen. So, I laughed. It was wildly inappropriate and sounded a little hysterical. The trio and Phyllis weren’t sure how to react. Keeping them off balance would be to my advantage. Little victories would hopefully lead to a big win.
“What are you doing?” Pandora hissed.
“Not a fucking clue,” I admitted.
I assumed that Phyllis would explain the game and the rules. I was wrong. What happened next was insane. It threw me way off balance.
“Welcome to Superens !” a very familiar voice bellowed from the top of the bleachers. Excitement and relief coursed through me. I wasn’t on my own anymore. Abaddon was here. Granted, he didn’t look like he usually did, but it didn’t matter. The Demon I loved wore board shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, flip-flops, an ornate wooden necklace and a trucker hat. It was odd, but my guess was that he was fitting himself into the scene.
My man was all kinds of brilliant.
“ Superens is basically Latin for survivor,” Pandora explained.
I nodded because speaking was impossible with my heart in my throat.
I was tempted to explain to Pandora what I saw but kept quiet. Letting the others know I had an advantage wasn’t prudent.
“The games are about to begin!” Abaddon shouted as he skipped down the stairs of the bleachers and approached. “I’m Heff Brobst, and I’m your host. Are we all ready to DIE?” Abaddon laughed heartily at what I hoped was a joke. The Demons and Phyllis laughed along with him. I didn’t think it was remotely funny. My expression stayed flat as I stared hard at the person I thought I knew.
Something was really wrong here.
“What the fuck is going on?” Pandora demanded.
I crossed my arms over my chest and nonchalantly pinched the back of my upper arm to get her to zip it. I didn’t want to alert Phyllis or the gameshow host to my suspicions. Thankfully, Pandora understood.
Phyllis gave me a sideways glance. I met her gaze with my own steeled resolve. My trust in the chain-smoking guide was waning fast.
Abaddon, or rather Heff Brobst, was now standing about five feet away from me. He showed no recognition whatsoever. I wasn’t sure if that was on purpose or if he really had no idea who I was. It was unnerving and made me feel sick to my stomach.
“State your names,” he shouted, doing a little dance. It was spastic and jerky, with zero rhythm. I had to work really hard to keep the “ewwww” out of my expression. The ick-factor was high. It was uncomfortable to watch. I wondered if Heff had ants in his pants.
“Drogruzun is my name,” the Demon who wanted me headless shouted. “I shall WIN!”
“Good luck with that,” Heff Brobst told him, slapping him on the back and sending him flying.
“I’m Ezzanod,” the next Demon in line bellowed. “And I’m here… to umm… do my best!”
Heff Brobst chuckled. It was a slimy sound—nothing like Abaddon at all. “Humility. I like it!”
He walked over to Ezzanod and punched him in the stomach, causing the Demon to double over and cough up blood. This wasn’t going to end well.
I observed Brolrath as he considered the odds of introducing himself. After what we’d just seen, it was anyone’s guess how Heff would react.
With a small groan of resignation, Brolrath went for it. “I am Brolrath. I have no fucking idea why I’m here. I feel like I’ve been here before, but I’m not sure. Kinda feels like a dream. Honestly, I don’t want to be here.”
Now I felt awful. Was my dream state pulling in real people? Did Drogruzun, Ezzanod and Brolrath have real lives somewhere on a different plane? If so, that meant the munchkins were real as well and would be paying me a visit in the next millennium. I was a combination of horrified, guilt-ridden and confused.
Without fanfare, Heff Probst sliced his hand through the air. Brolrath exploded. All that was left of him was a pile of green goo. “Too much honesty isn’t good for ratings. It’s boring. Where’s the drama? Where’s the chaos?”
“What in the actual fuck just happened?” Pandora asked in a whisper.
Trying to be covert, I stepped on my foot to let her know the time wasn’t quite right for a chat. I didn’t smash it as hard as I had earlier since she’d had the smarts to whisper.
Heff Brobst’s eyes landed on me. “And you. What’s your name?”
The man standing in front of me was definitely not Abaddon. Thankfully, I could tell the difference. Heff Brobst’s eyes were soulless black pools of evil. His smile was false, and the cadence of his speech was strange—as if someone else was supplying his words. He might look like my gorgeous Demon, but he wasn’t the man who made my heart skip a beat. I knew Abaddon at a bone-deep level, and my body came alive around my soul’s desire. On the other hand, with Heff, there was no reaction at all. Not even a wisp of lust. The clone couldn’t compare to the real man on any level.
Still, this dude had taken on the visage of the love of my life. Someone was screwing with me, and I didn’t like it.
I was about to make Candy Vargo and Pandora proud. Badass, here I come. “Let’s start with this, Heff Brobst. I’m the Bitch Goddess Cecily, and if you so much as mess with a single hair on my head, I’ll end you, and I’ll enjoy it. I don’t have the time to deal with petty power games. We clear?”
Heff’s eyes narrowed to slits. “As you wish.” His tone was icy.
I had a feeling I was in more danger from him than from the three… now two Demons who were my competitors.
“I wish,” I replied flatly. “I’m here to win. If you would be so kind as to do your job and explain the shitshow we’re about to embark on, that would be awesome.”
Heff Brobst glanced at Phyllis. She just stared back at him and smoked. Was she controlling the mean bastard? Did it matter? No. It didn’t. Heff went from a scary-unhinged guy back to a corny, bad-dancer host guy. He skipped over to the obstacle course and smiled wide. It was creepy and disturbing. “As you can see, we have an obstacle course. You’re tasked with getting through it without getting killed by hidden landmines!”
“What?” Drogruzun asked, aghast.
“Hidden landmines,” Heff repeated with a thumbs up. “If you get through the netted mud box, the hot stones and the spike-filled maze with all or most of your appendages still connected, you will find a button. The button will activate the bridge. Cross the bridge. Know that in the murky waters below, the bridge is filled with sea monsters. They’re hungry and will attempt to eat you.”
“What the fuck?” Ezzanod muttered.
My sentiments exactly.
Heff ignored the comment and continued. “Most likely, none of you will survive that. However, if you do, you’ll find a combination at the end of the bridge. Use this combination to unlock the box that holds the puzzle.”
“Wait,” Brolrath shouted as he rematerialized right next to me. “I missed all that. Can you repeat it?”
I almost screamed when he appeared. Thankfully, I swallowed it. It was good information to know how fast someone regenerated after dying. If I bit it, I’d be back within five minutes. What I really wanted to do was talk to Pandora. Even though we were sworn enemies, I needed her. I’d have to hold off until I was away from the group.
“No,” Heff Brobst told Brolrath. “You’re shit out of luck.”
“I call bullshit,” I snapped. All eyes were on me. It didn’t feel good. Turning to Brolrath, I gave him a tight smile. “I’ll get you up to speed when Huffy is through.”
“It’s Heff,” the man who looked like Abaddon ground out through clenched teeth.
“My bad. Keep going, please,” I said with a wink. I wasn’t sure, but I think my insolence toward the asshole host gained me a few points with my competitors. I know it did with Brolrath. He bowed to me and smiled.
Heff Brobst wasn’t used to backtalk. Too bad. So sad. If he killed me, I’d come back. Having confirmation that I would survive a smiting if it came down to it lowered the threat level and made me braver.
“Fine,” Heff huffed. “Some of the puzzles are explosive. Some are not. If you’re fortunate enough to get to the puzzle, inside the box, you will find the directions.”
“To what?” Ezzanod asked warily.
Heff Brobst shrugged. “To whatever you’re seeking. The meaning of life. A map to all the riches in the Universe. The knowledge of the path that leads to redemption… whatever your heart desires will be in the box.”
I knew what I was searching for, and I planned to find it.
“Is that it?” Drogruzun inquired.
Heff smiled. It was terrifying. “Of course not, there’s a twist.”
Another one? Why didn’t that surprise me? Everyone waited. The tension was palpable. It made me wish I hadn’t eaten so much of the cookie house. I was ready to hurl.
Heff Brobst shook his tush, gyrating at the hips, as he skipped around in a tight circle before stopping. He leaned forward in our direction. His hands were clasped together, and his expression was maniacally gleeful. “The twist is that you are fully within your rights to kill the other contestants at any time during the challenge and in any way to stop them from completing the course. Be the first to the end and win. Lose and be stuck here until the next season begins.”
The dude was one sick mofo.
“How long before the next season?” Ezzanod asked.
“Could be a month,” Heff said. “Could be a thousand years.”
“Fuck,” Pandora whispered.
I stepped away from the group, did a few warm-up stretches and practiced my ventriloquist skills again. “We won’t really die,” I quietly reminded her.
“Maybe not,” she replied. “However, every time we die, we’ll have to start over. If we lose and get stuck in this absurd game, we might never leave the dream state.”
My mouth began to water. I was seconds away from losing my cookies. Literally. Pressing my lips together tightly, I willed myself to calm down. With confidence in my voice which was mostly bravado, I said, “Not a problem. I’ve got this.”
“You’re sure?” she asked skeptically.
“No, but I’m going with that.”
Stepping back into the group, I waited for more. There was always more…
“Are there any other rules?” Ezzanod asked.
“Rules are for wimpy-assed pussies,” Heff said with a derisive laugh while looking directly at me.
I closed my eyes. Pandora’s insult was going to haunt me forever. The fact that the vicious glare and mean words come from a doppelg?nger of the man I loved added insult to injury. Whatever. Sticks and stones and all that crap.
“Youse got fifteen minutes until the games begin. Youse best use dat time wisely,” Phyllis warned as she and Heff Brobst walked back to the bleachers. Well, Phyllis walked. Heff skipped. The talking ashtray glanced back over her shoulder and left us with one more piece of advice. “Youse never know how much time youse have left until youse are shite outta luck.”
Quickly, I moved away from the Demons and got out of their hearing range. I had my own internal Demon I needed to chat with. “Did you get all of that?” I asked Pandora.
“Yes. Pretty sure you’re fucked.”
Not what I wanted to hear. “Don’t be an asshole,” I snapped. “Heff Brobst looks identical to Abaddon.”
“Is it Abaddon?”
“No.”
“You’re sure?”
“Positive,” I told her. “What did you mean when you said to control the narrative?”
She sighed dramatically. “This is your dream state, idiot. Change it to suit you.”
“How?” My heart raced. My fingers sparked. I had only minutes before the challenge began and I had no idea how to alter the narrative.
“I don’t know,” Pandora admitted. “What I do know is that we’ve been here for a while. Getting out before we’re trapped in this hell hole for eternity is imperative.”
I agreed completely. “You know, I think the talking ashtray knows a lot more than she’s letting on.”
“I concur,” Pandora said. “The last warning she gave was for you.”
“Do you think she’s the key to getting to the Higher Power?”
“Cecily, if I fucking knew that information, I would tell you. It’s getting incredibly old not having a body. I have a fabulous body, and I want it back.”
“Got it,” I said, glancing over at the Demons. Brolrath was beckoning me over. “I’m going to the starting line. I’ll talk my way through the obstacles and puzzles so you know what’s going on.”
“Excellent… and Cecily… don’t die.”
“Watch it,” I chuckled. “Someone might think you’re warming up to me.”
“Don’t be absurd,” she snapped. “I don’t want you to die because I want to kill you myself.”
“Right,” I said with a grin. “Good luck with that, Shitty Whore.”
“I don’t need luck, imbecile,” she assured me. “I’m fabulous.”
As I made my way to the trio of Demons, I shook my head. I knew in my heart the Grim Reaper had been correct. Hope had been the gift that had been released from the box when I’d hugged Pandora. Just like the Pandora had absorbed the swarm of evils, she had now absorbed the hope. It was showing even if she denied it.
It gave me hope. Hope for Pandora. Hope for me. Hope for the future. But mostly hope for the challenge ahead.
It was time to get the party started and I planned to party hard.