Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Everything was green. The sky was green. The sun was green. The road and all the buildings were green. The Snozians that we passed as we walked to the Palace wore green from head to toe. I wanted desperately to describe the scene to Pandora, but there were too many people around. The Cheshire Cat, the White Rabbit and the Mad Hatter flanked Shaun Cassidy and let no one come near him.
As we walked, the people of the capital of Snoz dropped to their knees and sang the chorus of “Are You Afraid of Me”—one of Shaun Cassidy’s songs. It was surreal, hilarious and disturbing, especially when they got to the part about being with him forever.
“Something feels incredibly off,” Pandora said.
Using my crappy ventriloquist skills and keeping my voice low, I answered. “Agreed. I find it strange that Shaun Cassidy can’t hear you.”
“Don’t be so sure he can’t. The Higher Power isn’t the Higher Power for no reason. It’s wily and dangerous. Do not underestimate It.”
“Okay.” I was so glad she was with me. Of course, I wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t with me, but still… “I’m going to corner him in the throne room.”
“It will be interesting to see if he goes behind the curtain.”
“Why? What curtain?” I asked.
Pandora grunted her displeasure with my lack of knowledge. “Don’t you remember, idiot?”
“Obviously, I don’t, or I wouldn’t have asked, Shitty Whore.”
“Fine. The Wizard of Oz was just a loser from some small, rinky-dink, redneck town. He projected a big scary face onto the wall and fucked with everyone. Dorothy’s dog discovered the asshole, self-proclaimed Wizard, who wasn’t a Wizard at all, behind the curtain and exposed him. Dorothy gave that jackhole a piece of her mind then beat the shit out of him.”
My nose scrunched, and my forehead creased. “I really don’t remember Dorothy beating the shit out of the Wizard.”
“Maybe I made that up,” Pandora admitted with no shame at all. “However, if she didn’t, she should have.”
“Right,” I said. “We’re here.”
“Be the badass, Cecily. You have to be the badass.”
She was correct. I just wasn’t sure how.
The castle was basically what I recalled from the movie. We were definitely in a twisted mashup of Alice in Wonderland and The Wizard of Oz . I was happy I hadn’t mentioned any other movies back at my house. This was confusing enough.
“Come this way!” Shaun Cassidy squealed, leading the group to two intricately carved wooden doors that were several stories high. “We’re about to enter the throne room!”
The Cat, the Hat, and the Rabbit grew wary and looked around nervously as if searching for an escape route. Their behavior raised my anxiety level, but I kept a bland and pleasant expression plastered on my face.
The doors opened, and Shaun Cassidy raced inside the room. His posse followed morosely.
“Wow,” I said, looking around. Someone had some money in Snoz. The cavernous room was kind of like the room from the movie and kind of not. In this version, the floors were a shiny lime-green marble. Enormous celery-green chandeliers hung from a high ceiling painted with frescos of Shaun Cassidy himself. It was gaudy and weird. There was a screen behind the massive kelly-green throne. It went from the marble floor all the way to the alarmingly painted ceiling.
“Is it tacky?” Pandora demanded.
I kept my voice at a whisper. “With a capital T.” Next to the throne platform was a tall chartreuse curtain that reminded me of the color pee got after eating too much asparagus. Gross, but perfect for hiding a secret room. “Bingo,” I said quietly. “Screen is there. Curtain is there.”
“I think the Higher Power will take his spot behind the curtain,” Pandora said, getting excited. “My money is on Shaun Cassidy excusing himself from the room and then slipping behind the curtain to fuck with everybody.”
“My money is on you,” I told her.
“Of course, it is,” she replied giddily. “I’m brilliant!”
“Shall we chat with big me?” Shaun Cassidy asked, hopping up and down like a child.
I just nodded. It was hard to reconcile that he was the Higher Power. He seemed like he was stupid. But Pandora had said It was wily. If Shaun was playing a game, he was an excellent player.
I gasped as the enormous head of Shaun Cassidy appeared on the screen. The White Rabbit began to cry. The Cheshire Cat looked like he was going to hurl. The Mad Hatter laughed. And Shaun Cassidy, who was not behind the curtain, clapped his hands with glee.
“Am I not handsome?” he asked.
“Umm… very handsome,” I replied, lying through my teeth. His enormous face projected onto the screen showed every single pore and imperfection the man had.
“Wait,” Pandora said. “Isn’t he behind the curtain?”
“No.”
“Fuck,” she muttered.
“Good afternoon,” the giant Shaun face bellowed, shaking the foundation of the building.
The voice was warped. It didn’t sound like the man in the dress I was standing next to. It sounded odd, as if it was going through some kind of machine. I wondered if it was a recording.
“Why are you here?” Big Shaun demanded in an ugly tone.
“To see me!” Shaun Cassidy shouted back at his face. “I’m so handsome!”
“Cat!” Big Shaun growled.
“Yes?” the Cheshire Cat answered, shaking like a leaf.
“You are not welcome here. Off with your head.”
It wasn’t a recording.
On cue, green-clad guards marched into the room and dragged the screaming Cat to his death.
“Umm… this is really fucked up,” Pandora said.
“Word,” I agreed under my breath.
“Rabbit and the stupid-looking one with the Hat,” Big Shaun ground out. “You have thirty seconds to leave this room, or youse will meet the same fate as the Cat. AM I CLEAR?”
“As a heart attack,” the White Rabbit shrieked as he grabbed the Mad Hatter and busted ass out of the room.
“So exciting!” Shaun Cassidy sang as he hugged himself tight. “I’m just so powerful!”
And I was just so done. Shaun Cassidy wasn’t the Higher Power. Whoever was behind the curtain was the Higher Power, and, because of a slip of the tongue, I had a very good idea who that might be.
“Hey, Shaun,” I said with a smile. “I heard you were performing a rock concert in the town square. You know, singing all your hits.”
“You did?” he asked, confused but intrigued.
“Yep. It’s sold out.”
“When does it start,” he asked.
I glanced at my watch, then looked up at him. My face was full of concern and alarm. I was acting. “Umm… five minutes ago.”
“Oh NO!” he shouted. “I must sing for my fans. Please, excuse me, Bitch Goddess Cecily. I’m late. I’m late.” He tapped a watch that appeared on his wrist. “For a very important date.”
On that note, the dude who definitely wasn’t the Higher Power sprinted from the room. It was now just me, Pandora, the grotesque big face of Shaun and the puppet master behind the curtain.
“Get your ass out here, Phyllis. I’m onto youse ,” I called out.
“Get out of town,” Pandora shouted. “The talking fucking ashtray is the Higher Power?”
Phyllis’ cackle came before her entrance. In a trail of cigarette smoke, she came out from behind the curtain. “Took youse a while,” she said, grinning like a fool.
I just shrugged. “You owe me.”
She shook her head. “Nope. I don’t owe youse nothin’.”
Technically she was right. However, she did owe someone and that someone was here.
“Take it, Shitty Whore. It’s your turn,” I said.
“With pleasure,” she purred. “You screwed me over, Phyllis.”
Phyllis chuckled and lit up a ciggie. “Youse are the one who opened the box, Pandora. Not me.”
“You never told me what was in it,” she hissed.
“Not my problem,” the pontificating ashtray snapped. “I told youse not to open it. Do the crime. Pay the time.”
Pandora was at a loss for words.
I was not.
“Listen to me, you crunchy-haired shit,” I ground out. “No, Pandora shouldn’t have opened the damned box. But you shouldn’t have gifted something that would destroy lives. That’s an asshole move. Someone who has no compassion would do that. No morals. Nothing. You have nothing. You’re lower than any being I’ve ever come across.” I began to pace I was so pissed. “I have no clue why everyone thinks you’re so great. I think you’re a dick. Only a heartless piece of stinky crap would have set people up to fail like this. You failed Lilith. You failed Pandora. You failed the fucking world.”
The Higher Power’s eyes were wide, and she watched me with an expression I couldn’t decipher. I couldn’t tell if she wanted to kill me or worse. I didn’t care.
“Here’s the deal,” I snarled.
“You go, guuurl,” Pandora shouted.
“I will,” I assured her. “You’ve already caused more harm than good. The end will come if there aren’t two Goddesses of the Darkness—a rule you freaking made. Right now, I’m both of them. That’s not going to work. You’re going to let Pandora out, and we’re leaving.”
“Am I?” Phyllis inquired, taking a long, painfully slow drag on her butt until the entire stick turned cherry red.
“You are,” Pandora shouted. “Bitch Goddess Cecily doesn’t deserve this. I might but she doesn’t. Let me out of her so she can live her life, you bitch.”
“Hang on,” I told Pandora. “Pandora doesn’t deserve this either. Finally, after trillions of years, the hope was released from the box. Pandora absorbed it. She should be given a chance to live a life of happiness and goodness.”
“I’m not sure I’d go that far,” Pandora commented.
“Shut up, Stinky Whore,” I snapped. “Let me handle this.”
“So,” Phyllis said, lighting up yet another cigarette. “Youse two are gettin’ along now? Youse can work together? Youse can rule the Darkness without killin’ each other? Is dat what I’m seein’ here?”
I was stunned to silence. Had this been some kind of fucking test? Pandora seemed at a loss for words as well. That was rare for her.
“Answer my question,” Phyllis said with her eyes narrowed to slits.
“Yes,” Pandora finally said. “We can work together in harmony after I take my punishment for killing Lilith.”
“And youse are gonna do that without no protest?” Phyllis pressed.
“I am,” Pandora said.
“And youse,” she said, pointing at me. “Youse got a real shitty mouth on youse. Youse gonna work on that?”
The theme of Alice in Wonderland roared to the front of my brain. Embrace your true self. If that was the lesson to be learned, then the Higher Power had put that lesson in place. I knew my answer. She wasn’t going to like it, but I was going to embrace and own who I was.
“No,” I said flatly. “I’m not going to watch my language. I am who I am. I’m a good person. I have compassion. I don’t screw with people’s lives like you do. I am fair and I care. So, no. I will not watch my mouth.”
The Higher Power threw her head back and laughed. “Fine. You want her out then she can come out.”
With a wave of her hand, Pandora left my body. The feeling of her exit left me empty and sad. However, the voice inside my mind was now the woman standing next to me. We stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. She was truly stunning on the outside, and I was pretty sure Lilith had lied about Pandora being bald. If she hadn’t, Pandora had one hell of a wig. But the best part of all was that the hope was shining through. It was in her eyes. She’d fight it, but it would win.
“Cecily,” Pandora said with a small smile pulling at her lips.
“Pandora,” I replied, smiling back.
She extended her hand. I reached out and took it in mine.
“Well, ain’t dat sweet,” Phyllis said sarcastically. “Youse know there’s a catch. Ain’t nothin; that can happen in the Immortal world without a catch.”
“What’s the catch?” Pandora demanded.
Phyllis smiled. It wasn’t pretty, but neither was she. “Only one of youse can leave.”
I wanted to attack her. The need to end the Higher Power was intense. Pandora held my hand tight and kept me from going at her. There was no way Pandora was staying here. This was my dream state. There was a good chance I could get out of it myself. There was no way she could leave it without aid. The decision was easy.
“She can leave,” I said at the same time Pandora said the exact words about me.
My gazed jerked to hers in shock. “No,” I insisted. “You go. I can get back on my own.”
She shook her head. “No, Cecily. You will leave. It’s the right thing to do. You have an entire life to go back to. I have nothing. I can serve my time here. Maybe once that’s done, I’ll be able to come back. You should go.”
“I’m not leaving without you,” I told her. “Period.” My attention turned to the Higher Power. “We’re leaving together. You made the rule that there had to be two Goddesses of the Darkness. If you don’t let us leave, Armageddon will come, and you will be the cause.” I smiled at her. It was icy and didn’t reach my eyes. “And just so you know, if you don’t play it my way, I’ll do everything in my power to make sure the entire Immortal Universe knows that you’re the harbinger of the end. It’s all on you, Phyllis.”
“Are youse threatenin’ me?” she asked.
Pandora laughed. “I believe she is.” She squeezed my hand. “I shall not be revoking your Demon card after all. That was very badass of you, Bitch Goddess Cecily.”
“Thank you, Goddess Pandora.”
“Fine,” Phyllis said, not happy at all. “But ders only one way for both of youse to leave at the same time.”
“I don’t care what it is,” I told her. “Just do what you have to do.”
The Higher Power grinned. It was terrifying.
The icy-white sword, as big as she was, appeared in her hands. The blood-red veins still pulsed through it, making it seem alive.
“Well, shit,” Pandora muttered. “Figures.”
Getting here had been quick and painless. Leaving… not so much. Without any pomp or circumstance, the insane talking ashtray raised the terrifying sword over her head.
And then… the crazy bitch decapitated both of us.