13. River
RIVER
For all that I don’t want to be at Pandora’s place for Christmas, I’d want to be at my own home even less.
My own house.
It’s not a home, and it never has been.
It never will be again.
Rachel and I had always spent the day after Christmas at Pandora’s house to escape our own families, and despite how terrifying the Pavones are, they’d never been less than welcoming.
I don’t know how much Pandora told them about our home lives, but the fact that we found solace in the company of Giulio Pavone and his comrades told them a lot.
This year is different because Samantha and I are both here on Christmas Day. I’m not sure how her Christmases have been—probably a lot of church—but mine have never been anything worth mentioning.
Unless, of course, I wanted to mention something shitty, and I hadn’t.
“I don’t want to be here,” I mutter to Samantha.
“Neither do I,” she murmurs back.
I glance up at the tree, which the entire family had decorated together, and it’s one more thing I’ve never had. It makes a lump form in my throat, and I want to go upstairs and get away from all of this.
Giulio Pavone looks like an average father at Christmas with his Santa hat and ridiculous Christmas sweater, though the Argentine tegu sitting on his shoulder is… different.
Pandora’s mother Vanessa, her daddy Damien Rossi, and her Uncle Slayer are dressed in Christmas-themed outfits too. Her sister Mel is dressed in an elaborate, dark purple dress with lacy accents all over, and Pandora is wearing a red knitted dress.
Samantha and I would look out of place in our casual clothing if it hadn’t been for Ares and Kratos also wearing regular jeans and sweaters.
I feel out of place anyway.
“Can we eat first?” Kratos asks, typing on his phone.
“Nope!” Giulio bends down to pick up a present. “Presents first. Weren’t you up all night, listening for Santa’s reindeer on the roof?”
Ares laughs. “The only thing I heard was ooh, more! Harder!”
Pandora grins. “Santa was getting very naughty last night, huh?”
“Santa is always naughty in this house,” Kratos says without looking up from his phone. “And so are his elves. Duh.”
The casual banter and camaraderie are typical for the Pavone household, and once, I’d found I liked it.
Now I feel like an outsider.
I'd had to listen to music so I didn't overhear the Pavone parents going at it one floor below. How Pandora can sit there with a straight face, joking about her parents having sex… I'd wished for spontaneous combustion when I'd heard that first loud moan.
I’ve never heard my parents having sex. Only yelling and items being thrown.
“Hey, hey, no disrespecting Santa,” Giulio admonishes, before he smiles widely. “The elves outdid themselves last night, though. Mrs. Clause was very satisfied.”
Damien’s expression doesn’t change at all, but Slayer laughs along with Ares, Kratos, and Pandora.
Samantha seems even more mortified than I am. “Excuse me,” she says, and without waiting for a response, she flees the living room.
I consider going after her, but I’m already on thin enough ice with the Pavones.
“Giulio!” Vanessa says, her cheeks flushing crimson. “We have guests.”
“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Giulio says. “Pandora, you go get her. Tell Samantha you kids will behave and stop trying to embarrass Mama in front of everyone.”
“You mostly embarrass yourselves,” Ares says, but he shuts up after a glare from Vanessa.
“Okay. You can start without us,” Pandora says. She gives me a quick kiss on my cheek. “They don’t bite,” she whispers, before she goes off to find Samantha again.
They might not bite, but they do chop off fingers.
I don’t think Vanessa would let this turn into a bloody Christmas, but there’s always the day after.
Giulio and Damien start handing out gifts. The pile isn’t as big as I expected. I’d assumed the Pavone children would all be spoiled rotten, but they must have rules about how many presents everyone gets.
Of course, it’s still a lot of people distributing gifts. Vanessa helps too, and soon paper and packaging is getting ripped open while everyone coos over what they receive and thanks the gifter.
I sit on my corner of the couch and try not to let envy eat into me. I don’t even care about receiving gifts, but watching everybody have such a good time, seeing them enjoying the simple act of exchanging wrapped boxes, reminds me again of what I’ve never had.
What I still don’t have.
What I’ll never have.
I don’t expect to receive anything here. I’m staying with them for free, and that should be enough.
I scoot closer to Mel to see what she got.
It’s a new dress, this one in a dark red but still with all the usual lace and fancy trim she always wears. It’s the one Pandora had bought for her during our shopping trip, mostly because she’d been shocked that Harmony even had a goth clothing store.
“Thanks, Mama,” Mel says, holding the dress up.
Vanessa shakes her head. “That’s not from me. I only wrapped it for you since your sister is hopeless with wrapping paper.”
I can’t help but smile at that, because it’s true. I’ve seen Pandora try to wrap presents before, and she’s a lost cause.
“Oh,” Mel says, looking at the dress with renewed scrutiny. “It’s pretty.” She bites her bottom lip. “I hope she likes what I got her this much.”
“I’m sure she will,” Vanessa says, her voice encouraging. “Here. This one’s from me and Papa.”
It’s a box that has a pair of boots that perfectly match the dress, and Mel touches the leather. “Thank you,” she says. “I’ll wear this to the—”
Vanessa looks startled, a reaction she quickly masks, but both Mel and I have caught it. “I’m so glad you have somewhere you want to wear it,” Vanessa says.
I’m surprised. From what Pandora has told me, Mel doesn’t leave the house much.
Before Vanessa can ask her about it, Pandora and Samantha return.
Pandora spots the dress immediately, and she beelines over to us. “Ooh, what do you think, Melly? I saw it in the store and immediately thought of you.”
“It’s really pretty,” Mel replies. “Thank you, Pandora.” Her mismatched eyes find Pandora’s, and she says much more softly, “I hope you like your gift, too.”
“I’m sure I will!” Pandora says with cheer.
It’s so simple. So easy for her.
Before I can wallow about the presents I almost never received, Damien shoves a box into my hands. “For you.”
I blink up at him in confusion. “What?” I ask dumbly, only for my brain to catch up a moment later.
“Sorry, I’m just—” I cut myself off again.
“Thank you.” I unwrap it with care, opening the box to find a thick, soft scarf.
I recognize the brand at once, and I know it’s far out of my price range.
It may be somewhat generic, but it’s also thoughtful and practical all at once.
“Thank you,” I say, taking it out and wrapping it around my neck.
I’d ask Pandora what she thinks of how it looks, but I feel awkward enough already, and her parents would probably think I’m fishing for compliments.
“I hope you like it,” Vanessa says, reaching out to straighten it. “And don’t worry. No one’s going to try to strangle you with it.”
That… is less reassuring than she thinks it is. I hadn’t even considered strangulation until she’d brought it up.
“Here, Samantha! You get a present too,” Pandora says, handing a similar looking box to her.
Samantha is more wary as she opens it, but it’s a beanie-and-glove set. “Thank you,” she says quietly, but her voice wavers and I can see her eyes shimmering.
I wonder if her family got her gifts for Christmas.
“Merry Christmas,” Vanessa says, looking between us. “And you’re both welcome next year.”
She doesn’t understand how big that is to me.
I haven’t even told Pandora about my mother going missing, so she couldn’t have told Vanessa. Maybe Vanessa thinks I’ve atoned enough.
I really don’t know. I glance in Giulio’s direction, unsure of what to make of Vanessa’s invitation. He’s holding the tegu out to Slayer, though, who recoils comically, so he’s clearly not paying attention to what’s going on over here.
“Mama is just glad that you’re not the kind of guests to start a feud over breakfast,” Pandora says, nudging my arm. “Speaking of, Kratos, stop diddling your phone and pay attention to family things!”
Kratos flips her off, but Ares takes the opportunity to steal the phone from his hands.
“Oooh, are we texting Stasya? Yeah, Christmas is so boring,” Ares reads out loud. “Oh look, a new text. Is Ares still single? I’m thinking of asking him out.”
“She did not say that, you fucking loser,” Kratos snarls at him. “She’d never go out with you.”
She’d have to be insane to go out with either of the twins, but I have the good sense and self-preservation skills not to say so.
Kratos grabs for his phone, but Ares holds it out of his reach.
“Give that back!” Kratos demands.
Ares shakes his head and skips back a few steps. “Let’s see… How about…” He types, or pretends to type. “My sister brought this girl Samantha home. She’s really hot. I’m going to ask her out.”
Samantha goes stiff next to me, and Pandora scowls.
“Leave Samantha out of this, you dickwads,” Pandora says, getting up.
“Yes, that’s enough of that,” Vanessa intervenes, plucking the phone out of Ares’s hands. “It’s time for breakfast. All of you can behave that long, at least. You can have your phone back after we eat. Go help set the table, both of you.”
Kratos protests, but Vanessa levels a look at him that has him sighing. “Yes, Mama.” He stalks off, with Ares following behind him.
“He doesn’t mean anything by it,” Mel tells Samantha once Kratos is gone. Her voice is quiet, but Samantha looks at her and nods.
“I know,” she says.
Does she? Or does she think the Pavone twins are like the men who abducted and abused her?
“All right, all of you,” Vanessa says. “We’re going to have breakfast as a family, then you’re free of your obligations.”
“There is no freedom from family obligations!” Giulio declares immediately. “But you can be free of naughty parents.” He walks over to us and hands Pandora a small box. “Open it later, Frog.”
Pandora gives him a strange smile. “Really? You don’t want to see my reaction and document it for all future generations?”
“Nah.” Giulio turns to me. “I told your father you’re here, and that if he wants to keep working as a manager at my clubs, he should be a real fucking father and provide for his son—including tuition. Merry Christmas.”
Then he follows the twins out of the room, still holding the tegu in his arms.
I stare after him in shock.
Vanessa squeezes my shoulder, then leaves the room with the others.
“Did he really…” I trail off, and I realize my eyes are stinging with unshed tears. “Fuck. Pandora, what the hell did you tell your papa?”
“Uh, that you got kicked out and that your dad is a dick?” Pandora shrugs. “See, he’s not a bad guy.”
I very carefully don’t scoff at that.
“Let’s go,” Mel tells Samantha. “Let these two have their moment.”
Samantha hesitates, but out of everyone, she seems to have warmed up to Mel the most. They might be three years apart, but I wonder if they could be friends. “Okay,” she agrees.
When it’s just me and Pandora left in the room, I kiss her. “Thank you. You really didn’t have to do that. Fuck, I didn’t even tell you the worst part.”
I don’t know that I want to tell her.
But I have to tell someone, and who else am I going to talk to?
Pandora squeezes my hand. “The worst part? Not more missing fingers, I hope.”
“My mom’s gone,” I say bluntly.
I watch her reaction, wondering if it’s going to be like it was when Franklin had died, with her not seeming to understand the significance. But then, is it really all that significant when I’ve never actually had a good relationship with my mom?
Her mouth parts, and I wait for words to follow.
Finally, she lowers her gaze. “Gone, like… dead? Or gone, like missing?”
“I don’t know,” I tell her. “My dad says she up and left, but it’s not like he’s reliable. Her phone is out of service, her stuff is gone, but who the fuck knows?”
Telling her makes it feel even fresher, like the wound is reopening—or maybe like the wound is opening to begin with, because I hadn’t even felt this strongly about it when I’d been at home with my dad.
“I don’t know why she wouldn’t have warned me. It’s not like I’d have snitched to him,” I say.
And I wouldn’t have.
Pandora doesn’t say anything for the longest time, fiddling instead with the wrapped box Giulio had given her.
“My grandmother disappeared,” she finally says. “Papa’s mother. Before he even met Mama. That’s why there’s a picture of granddad’s mutilated corpse on the tree.”
I did not know there was a picture like that on the tree, but somehow it doesn’t surprise me either.
“I guess your papa thinks he was responsible for her disappearance then,” I say, keeping my voice low.
This is probably not something Giulio Pavone wants us talking about, least of all on Christmas.
On the other hand, if he wanted it to be completely hushed up, he wouldn’t have a picture like that on the tree.
“Well, it’s not a secret that Emilio Pavone was kind of a dickbag. To put it mildly.” Pandora gets closer and rests her head on my shoulder. “Do you want help finding her? Uncle Slayer still has resources. He could do it for you.”
I hesitate.
If she did bail on me without telling me, I’m not sure I’ll want to talk to her.
But if she didn’t bail and my father is responsible…
“Yeah,” I say, speaking before I even fully make the decision. “At the very least, I want to make sure she’s okay.”
And if she’s not? I don’t know what I’ll do, but I can add my dad to our ever-growing revenge list.
“Okay!” Pandora squeezes my hand. “If she’s alive, Uncle Slayer will find her. Hell, he’ll probably enjoy the work. He’s always moaning about how bored he gets with me off at college and Ares and Kratos too busy to go hunting with him.”
“I’ll be sure to thank him,” I say, even though the idea of having to speak that closely to Slayer is nerve-wracking. “Anyway, your parents are probably going to get pissed if they have to come find us. We should go eat with everyone.”
I feel lighter for having told her about my mother, despite the uncertainty.
I have hope now.
That’s more than I had yesterday.